Is it normal for sibling not to tell you they are having a baby?

[Anonymous]

My thought is it was an unwanted pregnancy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:so many gullible people on this website this is clearly a troll.

TBH the OP's post is more believable than all the trolls who swear they wouldn't care if this happened to them!

No one said they wouldn’t care. People said they wouldn’t be hurt or blow up their relationship over this. Not everyone thinks they’re the center of every story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:so many gullible people on this website this is clearly a troll.

TBH the OP's post is more believable than all the trolls who swear they wouldn't care if this happened to them!

No one said they wouldn’t care. People said they wouldn’t be hurt or blow up their relationship over this. Not everyone thinks they’re the center of every story.

And I call bull on that (also it's contradictory to your first sentence anyway). And nowhere did OP indicate they intended to blow up the relationship or make themselves the center of the story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:so many gullible people on this website this is clearly a troll.

TBH the OP's post is more believable than all the trolls who swear they wouldn't care if this happened to them!

No one said they wouldn’t care. People said they wouldn’t be hurt or blow up their relationship over this. Not everyone thinks they’re the center of every story.

And I call bull on that (also it's contradictory to your first sentence anyway). And nowhere did OP indicate they intended to blow up the relationship or make themselves the center of the story.

There are a lot of feelings people can have when they care that aren’t being hurt. They can be surprised. They can be excited. They can be confused. They can be worried or concerned (which is probably where I would land, because I would assume this was related to a very endangered pregnancy or previous loss). But making your primary emotion hurt makes a happy event in someone else else’s life primarily about how it made you feel. That’s very juvenile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:so many gullible people on this website this is clearly a troll.

TBH the OP's post is more believable than all the trolls who swear they wouldn't care if this happened to them!

No one said they wouldn’t care. People said they wouldn’t be hurt or blow up their relationship over this. Not everyone thinks they’re the center of every story.

And I call bull on that (also it's contradictory to your first sentence anyway). And nowhere did OP indicate they intended to blow up the relationship or make themselves the center of the story.

Dp

We call bull on you calling bull.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:so many gullible people on this website this is clearly a troll.

TBH the OP's post is more believable than all the trolls who swear they wouldn't care if this happened to them!

No one said they wouldn’t care. People said they wouldn’t be hurt or blow up their relationship over this. Not everyone thinks they’re the center of every story.

And I call bull on that (also it's contradictory to your first sentence anyway). And nowhere did OP indicate they intended to blow up the relationship or make themselves the center of the story.

There are a lot of feelings people can have when they care that aren’t being hurt. They can be surprised. They can be excited. They can be confused. They can be worried or concerned (which is probably where I would land, because I would assume this was related to a very endangered pregnancy or previous loss). But making your primary emotion hurt makes a happy event in someone else else’s life primarily about how it made you feel. That’s very juvenile.

Very well said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happened when you asked, “Hey so how come you didn’t tell us that you were pregnant?”

Don’t ask her that! her reasons are not your business. She obviously didn’t feel safe and supported and now she is doing better.

This isn’t some co-worker or neighbor. It’s a sibling!!! There is nothing wrong with simply asking the question. And where do you get off assuming the sister “didn’t feel safe or supported?” That is mighty presumptuous on your part, PP.

DP Why is it your business? It isn’t. It isn’t your business. If you need to know, you will be informed.

One more time: it’s family. Family supports one another. If I found out one of my siblings, with whom I’m not estranged, did this, I would genuinely want to know what is going on and what led to not disclosing a pregnancy. It is NOT normal behavior.

No, it’s none of my business if it’s a co-worker or neighbor. But it is my business if it’s family.

+1

It’s family so it hurts more if you are not told until after the baby is born. It means they don’t feel close enough to you to share it.

This is a choice.

You can examine why you feel “hurt” by how another adult chooses to manage their medical information, you can work on the relationship to build the closeness that you feel was missing, or you can center yourself in someone else’s story which may have nothing to do with you.

But it’s not just another ‘adult.’ Sounds like you don’t know what it’s like to have siblings whom you are close to. That’s your loss and there’s no way to make you understand in that case.

The “another adult” isn’t intended to suggest a lack of closeness, but rather an equality. Do you make all of your decisions about your medical care based on how they would make your sibling feel? Is how your sibling would feel more important than any other value you have? Do you expect your siblings to make painful choices just to make sure you are protected from hurt feelings?

I’m extremely close to my sibling. They suffered a traumatic loss a few years ago. If they called me and said come meet your new niece/nephew i wouldn’t waste a second feeling hurt.

+1 This is simply normal well-adjusted behavior.

Imagine explaining to a niece/nephew "I will have no relationship with you or your mother. Because your mother hurt my feelings by not telling me about her pregnancy when I decided she should. We are no contact."

Going no contact is very extreme. I think a more typical reaction would be to withdraw from sharing major life events with your sibling (as they have with you) and perhaps only mention them after they have already occurred.

In other words, distance yourself emotionally by not sharing personal information with them regarding life decisions. No need to go no contact though. You can still have a civil relationship!

I don't know if it's typical but that's not much better than the people who are urging NC. It is unusual for a sibling not to tell another sibling with whom they text every day that a baby is on the way. People have theorized surrogacy, adoption, prior loss, and any of those might be reasons. I can think of some others. It seems to me that the appropriate response is to be happy for your sibling and express that, arrange a visit as soon as they are welcoming visitors, and a few months later when people are likely to be sleeping more, have a conversation. "Sibling, I am so happy for you and already love nibling so much. It was an amazing surprise when nibling was born, but I wanted to ask if I'd done anything to hurt you or make you feel like I wouldn't care to know. If I did anything I'm sorry and I'd like to make it right"

So, I wouldn't assume they want OP to visit- I'd offer it up of course, but generally new parents only want people very close to them to visit. Not telling them until the baby is born does not indicate closeness to me. Definitely offer, but be prepared and respectful of a no thank you.

Dozens of people have explained why this decision could have nothing to do with closeness.
If you are a sibling who texts the new mom regularly, you are close enough to offer to visit. Of course you accept a no - that is true of any visit by or to anyone - but the assumption that early knowledge = closeness is just not correct.

[Anonymous]

Is it weird if you're a man and don't tell your coworkers you're having a baby until they're finally born?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:so many gullible people on this website this is clearly a troll.

TBH the OP's post is more believable than all the trolls who swear they wouldn't care if this happened to them!

No one said they wouldn’t care. People said they wouldn’t be hurt or blow up their relationship over this. Not everyone thinks they’re the center of every story.

And I call bull on that (also it's contradictory to your first sentence anyway). And nowhere did OP indicate they intended to blow up the relationship or make themselves the center of the story.

There are a lot of feelings people can have when they care that aren’t being hurt. They can be surprised. They can be excited. They can be confused. They can be worried or concerned (which is probably where I would land, because I would assume this was related to a very endangered pregnancy or previous loss). But making your primary emotion hurt makes a happy event in someone else else’s life primarily about how it made you feel. That’s very juvenile.

NP. I haven’t seen OP say they are hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happened when you asked, “Hey so how come you didn’t tell us that you were pregnant?”

Don’t ask her that! her reasons are not your business. She obviously didn’t feel safe and supported and now she is doing better.

This isn’t some co-worker or neighbor. It’s a sibling!!! There is nothing wrong with simply asking the question. And where do you get off assuming the sister “didn’t feel safe or supported?” That is mighty presumptuous on your part, PP.

DP Why is it your business? It isn’t. It isn’t your business. If you need to know, you will be informed.

One more time: it’s family. Family supports one another. If I found out one of my siblings, with whom I’m not estranged, did this, I would genuinely want to know what is going on and what led to not disclosing a pregnancy. It is NOT normal behavior.

No, it’s none of my business if it’s a co-worker or neighbor. But it is my business if it’s family.

+1

It’s family so it hurts more if you are not told until after the baby is born. It means they don’t feel close enough to you to share it.

This is a choice.

You can examine why you feel “hurt” by how another adult chooses to manage their medical information, you can work on the relationship to build the closeness that you feel was missing, or you can center yourself in someone else’s story which may have nothing to do with you.

But it’s not just another ‘adult.’ Sounds like you don’t know what it’s like to have siblings whom you are close to. That’s your loss and there’s no way to make you understand in that case.

The “another adult” isn’t intended to suggest a lack of closeness, but rather an equality. Do you make all of your decisions about your medical care based on how they would make your sibling feel? Is how your sibling would feel more important than any other value you have? Do you expect your siblings to make painful choices just to make sure you are protected from hurt feelings?

I’m extremely close to my sibling. They suffered a traumatic loss a few years ago. If they called me and said come meet your new niece/nephew i wouldn’t waste a second feeling hurt.

+1 This is simply normal well-adjusted behavior.

Imagine explaining to a niece/nephew "I will have no relationship with you or your mother. Because your mother hurt my feelings by not telling me about her pregnancy when I decided she should. We are no contact."

Going no contact is very extreme. I think a more typical reaction would be to withdraw from sharing major life events with your sibling (as they have with you) and perhaps only mention them after they have already occurred.

In other words, distance yourself emotionally by not sharing personal information with them regarding life decisions. No need to go no contact though. You can still have a civil relationship!

I don't know if it's typical but that's not much better than the people who are urging NC. It is unusual for a sibling not to tell another sibling with whom they text every day that a baby is on the way. People have theorized surrogacy, adoption, prior loss, and any of those might be reasons. I can think of some others. It seems to me that the appropriate response is to be happy for your sibling and express that, arrange a visit as soon as they are welcoming visitors, and a few months later when people are likely to be sleeping more, have a conversation. "Sibling, I am so happy for you and already love nibling so much. It was an amazing surprise when nibling was born, but I wanted to ask if I'd done anything to hurt you or make you feel like I wouldn't care to know. If I did anything I'm sorry and I'd like to make it right"

So, I wouldn't assume they want OP to visit- I'd offer it up of course, but generally new parents only want people very close to them to visit. Not telling them until the baby is born does not indicate closeness to me. Definitely offer, but be prepared and respectful of a no thank you.

Dozens of people have explained why this decision could have nothing to do with closeness.
If you are a sibling who texts the new mom regularly, you are close enough to offer to visit. Of course you accept a no - that is true of any visit by or to anyone - but the assumption that early knowledge = closeness is just not correct.

Why would that OP offer to visit? Clearly the new mom doesn’t trust OP or want her involved. Seems almost aggressive ( or the very least passive aggressive) to suggest a visit at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happened when you asked, “Hey so how come you didn’t tell us that you were pregnant?”

Don’t ask her that! her reasons are not your business. She obviously didn’t feel safe and supported and now she is doing better.

This isn’t some co-worker or neighbor. It’s a sibling!!! There is nothing wrong with simply asking the question. And where do you get off assuming the sister “didn’t feel safe or supported?” That is mighty presumptuous on your part, PP.

DP Why is it your business? It isn’t. It isn’t your business. If you need to know, you will be informed.

One more time: it’s family. Family supports one another. If I found out one of my siblings, with whom I’m not estranged, did this, I would genuinely want to know what is going on and what led to not disclosing a pregnancy. It is NOT normal behavior.

No, it’s none of my business if it’s a co-worker or neighbor. But it is my business if it’s family.

+1

It’s family so it hurts more if you are not told until after the baby is born. It means they don’t feel close enough to you to share it.

This is a choice.

You can examine why you feel “hurt” by how another adult chooses to manage their medical information, you can work on the relationship to build the closeness that you feel was missing, or you can center yourself in someone else’s story which may have nothing to do with you.

But it’s not just another ‘adult.’ Sounds like you don’t know what it’s like to have siblings whom you are close to. That’s your loss and there’s no way to make you understand in that case.

The “another adult” isn’t intended to suggest a lack of closeness, but rather an equality. Do you make all of your decisions about your medical care based on how they would make your sibling feel? Is how your sibling would feel more important than any other value you have? Do you expect your siblings to make painful choices just to make sure you are protected from hurt feelings?

I’m extremely close to my sibling. They suffered a traumatic loss a few years ago. If they called me and said come meet your new niece/nephew i wouldn’t waste a second feeling hurt.

+1 This is simply normal well-adjusted behavior.

Imagine explaining to a niece/nephew "I will have no relationship with you or your mother. Because your mother hurt my feelings by not telling me about her pregnancy when I decided she should. We are no contact."

Going no contact is very extreme. I think a more typical reaction would be to withdraw from sharing major life events with your sibling (as they have with you) and perhaps only mention them after they have already occurred.

In other words, distance yourself emotionally by not sharing personal information with them regarding life decisions. No need to go no contact though. You can still have a civil relationship!

I don't know if it's typical but that's not much better than the people who are urging NC. It is unusual for a sibling not to tell another sibling with whom they text every day that a baby is on the way. People have theorized surrogacy, adoption, prior loss, and any of those might be reasons. I can think of some others. It seems to me that the appropriate response is to be happy for your sibling and express that, arrange a visit as soon as they are welcoming visitors, and a few months later when people are likely to be sleeping more, have a conversation. "Sibling, I am so happy for you and already love nibling so much. It was an amazing surprise when nibling was born, but I wanted to ask if I'd done anything to hurt you or make you feel like I wouldn't care to know. If I did anything I'm sorry and I'd like to make it right"

So, I wouldn't assume they want OP to visit- I'd offer it up of course, but generally new parents only want people very close to them to visit. Not telling them until the baby is born does not indicate closeness to me. Definitely offer, but be prepared and respectful of a no thank you.

Dozens of people have explained why this decision could have nothing to do with closeness.
If you are a sibling who texts the new mom regularly, you are close enough to offer to visit. Of course you accept a no - that is true of any visit by or to anyone - but the assumption that early knowledge = closeness is just not correct.

Why would that OP offer to visit? Clearly the new mom doesn’t trust OP or want her involved. Seems almost aggressive ( or the very least passive aggressive) to suggest a visit at this point.

This is so weird. You can’t be “involved“ with an unborn child. OP‘s sibling now has a baby with whom she can be involved if that is what the parents wish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happened when you asked, “Hey so how come you didn’t tell us that you were pregnant?”

Don’t ask her that! her reasons are not your business. She obviously didn’t feel safe and supported and now she is doing better.

This isn’t some co-worker or neighbor. It’s a sibling!!! There is nothing wrong with simply asking the question. And where do you get off assuming the sister “didn’t feel safe or supported?” That is mighty presumptuous on your part, PP.

DP Why is it your business? It isn’t. It isn’t your business. If you need to know, you will be informed.

One more time: it’s family. Family supports one another. If I found out one of my siblings, with whom I’m not estranged, did this, I would genuinely want to know what is going on and what led to not disclosing a pregnancy. It is NOT normal behavior.

No, it’s none of my business if it’s a co-worker or neighbor. But it is my business if it’s family.

+1

It’s family so it hurts more if you are not told until after the baby is born. It means they don’t feel close enough to you to share it.

This is a choice.

You can examine why you feel “hurt” by how another adult chooses to manage their medical information, you can work on the relationship to build the closeness that you feel was missing, or you can center yourself in someone else’s story which may have nothing to do with you.

But it’s not just another ‘adult.’ Sounds like you don’t know what it’s like to have siblings whom you are close to. That’s your loss and there’s no way to make you understand in that case.

The “another adult” isn’t intended to suggest a lack of closeness, but rather an equality. Do you make all of your decisions about your medical care based on how they would make your sibling feel? Is how your sibling would feel more important than any other value you have? Do you expect your siblings to make painful choices just to make sure you are protected from hurt feelings?

I’m extremely close to my sibling. They suffered a traumatic loss a few years ago. If they called me and said come meet your new niece/nephew i wouldn’t waste a second feeling hurt.

+1 This is simply normal well-adjusted behavior.

Imagine explaining to a niece/nephew "I will have no relationship with you or your mother. Because your mother hurt my feelings by not telling me about her pregnancy when I decided she should. We are no contact."

Going no contact is very extreme. I think a more typical reaction would be to withdraw from sharing major life events with your sibling (as they have with you) and perhaps only mention them after they have already occurred.

In other words, distance yourself emotionally by not sharing personal information with them regarding life decisions. No need to go no contact though. You can still have a civil relationship!

I don't know if it's typical but that's not much better than the people who are urging NC. It is unusual for a sibling not to tell another sibling with whom they text every day that a baby is on the way. People have theorized surrogacy, adoption, prior loss, and any of those might be reasons. I can think of some others. It seems to me that the appropriate response is to be happy for your sibling and express that, arrange a visit as soon as they are welcoming visitors, and a few months later when people are likely to be sleeping more, have a conversation. "Sibling, I am so happy for you and already love nibling so much. It was an amazing surprise when nibling was born, but I wanted to ask if I'd done anything to hurt you or make you feel like I wouldn't care to know. If I did anything I'm sorry and I'd like to make it right"

So, I wouldn't assume they want OP to visit- I'd offer it up of course, but generally new parents only want people very close to them to visit. Not telling them until the baby is born does not indicate closeness to me. Definitely offer, but be prepared and respectful of a no thank you.

Dozens of people have explained why this decision could have nothing to do with closeness.
If you are a sibling who texts the new mom regularly, you are close enough to offer to visit. Of course you accept a no - that is true of any visit by or to anyone - but the assumption that early knowledge = closeness is just not correct.

Why would that OP offer to visit? Clearly the new mom doesn’t trust OP or want her involved. Seems almost aggressive ( or the very least passive aggressive) to suggest a visit at this point.

Seven pages and you still don't get it.

[Anonymous]

Here’s normal behavior -
“Hey sis who I text weekly, I’m expecting a baby in four months. We kept it quiet in the first trimester and I’m still kind of spooked so I’m not really up for discussing medical stuff and mom war stories, and we’re not talking about it on social media. Hope you understand”. Sibling: “Congratulations! Can’t wait to meet the baby. I’m here if you need anything”. Sibling keeps mouth shut.

That’s not revealing “medical information”. It’s normal family interaction. If the relationship was bad, wouldn’t have been regular texts. It is insulting to the sibling not to tell about the baby until after the birth, although pregnant person does not owe anyone the blast on
“I’m in labor now!” That can wait until the baby arrives.

I continue to be astonished at how many people were seemingly raised by wolves and have their heads up their behinds about how they are the only people in the universe and everyone else is just a supporting character in their personal drama.

Coworker not saying anything is a little weird, but it’s fine.

[Anonymous]

The odd thing here is being in regular contact, at least texting all these months. I have a sibling I text twice a year and sometimes go a year without calling. It would not surprise me if they didn't mention a baby until after the arrival.

But someone you are in regular contact with, texting to ask gift ideas for grandpa's birthday, asking what is in a family recipe, telling about the latest vacation - that seems to indicate a normal relationship and it would be really strange to find out they had a baby last month.

It would make me rethink how close we really are and I would probably take a few steps back. I understand people's reasons for medical privacy or dealing with toxic relationships, but a sibling or good friend where everything has seemed normal for decades? Not mentioning a new baby is just ODD.

It would be the same if a supposedly close sibling or friend announced - oh, I got a new job and moved to Ohio last November. What?!? So all these months while we are texting HBD and Merry Christmas, and Larlo made the swim team - they couldn't squeeze in how busy they are packing or how they hope the new job works out or that they found a great house to buy?

This is not normal close family or friend behavior and it calls for a reevaluation of the relationship. Not "no contact", but certainly no longer considering this person a close go-to support person in your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here’s normal behavior -
“Hey sis who I text weekly, I’m expecting a baby in four months. We kept it quiet in the first trimester and I’m still kind of spooked so I’m not really up for discussing medical stuff and mom war stories, and we’re not talking about it on social media. Hope you understand”. Sibling: “Congratulations! Can’t wait to meet the baby. I’m here if you need anything”. Sibling keeps mouth shut.

That’s not revealing “medical information”. It’s normal family interaction. If the relationship was bad, wouldn’t have been regular texts. It is insulting to the sibling not to tell about the baby until after the birth, although pregnant person does not owe anyone the blast on
“I’m in labor now!” That can wait until the baby arrives.

I continue to be astonished at how many people were seemingly raised by wolves and have their heads up their behinds about how they are the only people in the universe and everyone else is just a supporting character in their personal drama.

Coworker not saying anything is a little weird, but it’s fine.

Describe why you would be insulted. Explain how this is insulting to you personally.