Reply to Is it normal for sibling not to tell you they are having a baby?

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Reply to "Is it normal for sibling not to tell you they are having a baby?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]What happened when you asked, “Hey so how come you didn’t tell us that you were pregnant?”[/quote]

Don’t ask her that! her reasons are not your business. She obviously didn’t feel safe and supported and now she is doing better. [/quote]

This isn’t some co-worker or neighbor. It’s a sibling!!! There is nothing wrong with simply asking the question. And where do you get off assuming the sister “didn’t feel safe or supported?” That is mighty presumptuous on your part, PP. [/quote]

DP Why is it your business? It isn’t. It isn’t your business. If you need to know, you will be informed. [/quote]

One more time: it’s family. Family supports one another. If I found out one of my siblings, with whom I’m not estranged, did this, I would genuinely want to know what is going on and what led to not disclosing a pregnancy. It is NOT normal behavior.

No, it’s none of my business if it’s a co-worker or neighbor. But it is my business if it’s family. [/quote]

It’s family so [b]it hurts more[/b] if you are not told until after the baby is born. It means they don’t feel close enough to you to share it. 
[/quote]

This is a choice.

You can examine why you feel “hurt” by how [b]another adult[/b] chooses to manage their medical information, you can work on the relationship to build the closeness that you feel was missing, or you can center yourself in someone else’s story which may have nothing to do with you.[/quote]

But it’s not just another ‘adult.’ Sounds like you don’t know what it’s like to have siblings whom you are close to. That’s your loss and there’s no way to make you understand in that case. [/quote]

The “another adult” isn’t intended to suggest a lack of closeness, but rather an equality. Do you make all of your decisions about your medical care based on how they would make your sibling feel? Is how your sibling would feel more important than any other value you have? Do you expect your siblings to make painful choices just to make sure you are protected from hurt feelings?

I’m extremely close to my sibling. They suffered a traumatic loss a few years ago. [b]If they called me and said come meet your new niece/nephew i wouldn’t waste a  second feeling hurt.[/b][/quote]

+1 This is simply normal well-adjusted behavior.

Imagine explaining to a niece/nephew "I will have no relationship with you or your mother. Because your mother hurt my feelings by not telling me about her pregnancy when I decided she should. We are no contact."[/quote]

Going no contact is very extreme. I think  a more typical reaction would be to withdraw from sharing major life events with your sibling (as they have with you) and perhaps only mention them after they have already occurred.

In other words, distance yourself emotionally by not sharing personal information with them regarding life decisions. No need to go no contact though. You can still have a civil relationship![/quote]
I don't know if it's typical but that's not much better than the people who are urging NC. It is unusual for a sibling not to tell another sibling with whom they text every day that a baby is on the way. People have theorized surrogacy, adoption, prior loss, and any of those might be reasons. I can think of some others. It seems to me that the appropriate response is to be happy for your sibling and express that, [b]arrange a visit as soon as they are welcoming visitors[/b], and a few months later when people are likely to be sleeping more, have a conversation. "Sibling, I am so happy for you and already love nibling so much. It was an amazing surprise when nibling was born, but I wanted to ask if I'd done anything to hurt you or make you feel like I wouldn't care to know. If I did anything I'm sorry and I'd like to make it right"[/quote]

So, I wouldn't assume they want OP to visit- I'd offer it up of course, but generally new parents only want people very close to them to visit.  [b]Not telling them until the baby is born does not indicate closeness to me[/b].  Definitely offer, but be prepared and respectful of a no thank you.[/quote]

Dozens of people have explained why this decision could have nothing to do with closeness. 
If you are a sibling who texts the new mom regularly, you are close enough to offer to visit. Of course you accept a no - that is true of any visit by or to anyone - but the assumption that early knowledge = closeness is just not correct. [/quote]

Why would that OP offer to visit?  Clearly the new mom doesn’t trust OP or want her involved.  Seems almost aggressive ( or the very least passive aggressive) to suggest a visit at this point.  [/quote]

This is so weird. You can’t be “involved“ with an unborn child. OP‘s sibling now has a baby with whom she can be involved if that is what the parents wish.[/quote]

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