Partner and I can't agree on a surname after marriage and now I'm wondering if marrying him is even worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him you’re keeping your own name and the kids that come out of your body will also have your name. (This is very normal these days.) He’s welcome to join if he wants consistency.

I already told him that and he didn't like it. He found the proposal offensive.

Red flag. Not someone I would marry.

I kept my name and don't see this a red flag on his part, unless you also consider it a red flag on OP's.

It's one thing for each partner to keep their birth names, it's another for one partner to demand that they use their ln for hypothetical kids or make up a new name. That's an ultimatum, not really a discussion. What would you say if the roles were reversed?

Actually, it’s the husband who is doing the demanding and giving an ultimatum. The default in the hospital when the spouses have different last names is that the new baby is called by mom’s name “Baby Smith”. If they want something different on the birth certificate then they need to specify that.

This is such a reach. There was no angst at either hospital when naming my two children, who have different last names from me.

I hate these flimsy arguments. OP just needs to have an actual conversation to express her feelings on the matter. Her ultimatum was: kids shall not have your name and I'm not discussing it. That may very well be her opinion, but don't expect anyone to react well to that -- no matter the topic.

This explains why posters here are having a hard time with any situation that isn't the traditional woman-takes-husband's name. Many of them barely know how to read.

DH was a bit taken aback when I told him that I wanted to keep my name. I was gentle, yet firm, about it because I loved him. I gave him a moment to come around and didn't browbeat him as a way to solve for my own discomfort in disappointing him.

These things happen in a marriage. If you want to make a go of it, conversation and empathy go a long way. A couple of weeks later it was a non-issue and now nearly 30 years later...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:not taking the last name seems like red flag they aren't committed and are ready to pull the divorce trigger

Which is why he should take her name, just to be safe.

no it doesnt work that way its the other way around, think of the children

That's exactly how it works. The whole family will have the same name. What's the problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him you’re keeping your own name and the kids that come out of your body will also have your name. (This is very normal these days.) He’s welcome to join if he wants consistency.

I already told him that and he didn't like it. He found the proposal offensive.

Red flag. Not someone I would marry.

I kept my name and don't see this a red flag on his part, unless you also consider it a red flag on OP's.

It's one thing for each partner to keep their birth names, it's another for one partner to demand that they use their ln for hypothetical kids or make up a new name. That's an ultimatum, not really a discussion. What would you say if the roles were reversed?

Actually, it’s the husband who is doing the demanding and giving an ultimatum. The default in the hospital when the spouses have different last names is that the new baby is called by mom’s name “Baby Smith”. If they want something different on the birth certificate then they need to specify that.

This is such a reach. There was no angst at either hospital when naming my two children, who have different last names from me.

I hate these flimsy arguments. OP just needs to have an actual conversation to express her feelings on the matter. Her ultimatum was: kids shall not have your name and I'm not discussing it. That may very well be her opinion, but don't expect anyone to react well to that -- no matter the topic.

This explains why posters here are having a hard time with any situation that isn't the traditional woman-takes-husband's name. Many of them barely know how to read.

DH was a bit taken aback when I told him that I wanted to keep my name. I was gentle, yet firm, about it because I loved him. I gave him a moment to come around and didn't browbeat him as a way to solve for my own discomfort in disappointing him.

These things happen in a marriage. If you want to make a go of it, conversation and empathy go a long way. A couple of weeks later it was a non-issue and now nearly 30 years later...

OP's boyfriend wasn't "a bit taken aback".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:not taking the last name seems like red flag they aren't committed and are ready to pull the divorce trigger

Which is why he should take her name, just to be safe.

no it doesnt work that way its the other way around, think of the children

That's exactly how it works. The whole family will have the same name. What's the problem?

we dont do that in america

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:not taking the last name seems like red flag they aren't committed and are ready to pull the divorce trigger

Which is why he should take her name, just to be safe.

no it doesnt work that way its the other way around, think of the children

That's exactly how it works. The whole family will have the same name. What's the problem?

we dont do that in america

Who is "we," darling? People do pretty much everything in America.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him you’re keeping your own name and the kids that come out of your body will also have your name. (This is very normal these days.) He’s welcome to join if he wants consistency.

I already told him that and he didn't like it. He found the proposal offensive.

Red flag. Not someone I would marry.

I kept my name and don't see this a red flag on his part, unless you also consider it a red flag on OP's.

It's one thing for each partner to keep their birth names, it's another for one partner to demand that they use their ln for hypothetical kids or make up a new name. That's an ultimatum, not really a discussion. What would you say if the roles were reversed?

Actually, it’s the husband who is doing the demanding and giving an ultimatum. The default in the hospital when the spouses have different last names is that the new baby is called by mom’s name “Baby Smith”. If they want something different on the birth certificate then they need to specify that.

This is such a reach. There was no angst at either hospital when naming my two children, who have different last names from me.

I hate these flimsy arguments. OP just needs to have an actual conversation to express her feelings on the matter. Her ultimatum was: kids shall not have your name and I'm not discussing it. That may very well be her opinion, but don't expect anyone to react well to that -- no matter the topic.

This explains why posters here are having a hard time with any situation that isn't the traditional woman-takes-husband's name. Many of them barely know how to read.

DH was a bit taken aback when I told him that I wanted to keep my name. I was gentle, yet firm, about it because I loved him. I gave him a moment to come around and didn't browbeat him as a way to solve for my own discomfort in disappointing him.

These things happen in a marriage. If you want to make a go of it, conversation and empathy go a long way. A couple of weeks later it was a non-issue and now nearly 30 years later...

OP's boyfriend wasn't "a bit taken aback".

She said he "assumed." Which is exactly how my DH was in the moment, he assumed.

I can guarantee OP and I went about it differently. I didn't think my DH was an @sshole or anti-women, which is what OP just suddenly assumes.

They both made assumptions and now they're both offended. I agree that based on their communication style, their marriage will likely fail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:not taking the last name seems like red flag they aren't committed and are ready to pull the divorce trigger

Which is why he should take her name, just to be safe.

no it doesnt work that way its the other way around, think of the children

That's exactly how it works. The whole family will have the same name. What's the problem?

we dont do that in america

Who is "we," darling? People do pretty much everything in America.

DP that PP has to be a troll. Granted on topics like this you never know.

[Anonymous]

I have been married for 25+ years and regret changing my name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he was surprised by the conversation, his first reaction may not have been the best reaction. Don’t blow this out of proportion.

Double barrel names aren’t common outside of certain cultures and they can be a burden.

This is a good chance to use communication skills that will serve you both well in marriage. Good luck!

Long live the patriarchy, right?

OP has a man's name either way. Either her husband's or her father's. Why is she so attached to her father's?

I knew this argument would pop up. My Dad and brother are never questioned on whether their name belongs to them, only women are.

Your name becomes your name when you spell it in preschool or wear it on your jersey, or get it yelled at you across a school hall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I knew this child with a hyphenated name. I assumed his mom was a single mother. Not sure why women are okay being seen this way. It's bad for the child.

That's a a stupid assumption.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he was surprised by the conversation, his first reaction may not have been the best reaction. Don’t blow this out of proportion.

Double barrel names aren’t common outside of certain cultures and they can be a burden.

This is a good chance to use communication skills that will serve you both well in marriage. Good luck!

Long live the patriarchy, right?

OP has a man's name either way. Either her husband's or her father's. Why is she so attached to her father's?

This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever read on dcum, and that’s saying a lot.

Hint: it’s not “her father’s name”, it’s HER OWN name. The same one she’s had her entire life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he was surprised by the conversation, his first reaction may not have been the best reaction. Don’t blow this out of proportion.

Double barrel names aren’t common outside of certain cultures and they can be a burden.

This is a good chance to use communication skills that will serve you both well in marriage. Good luck!

Long live the patriarchy, right?

OP has a man's name either way. Either her husband's or her father's. Why is she so attached to her father's?

This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever read on dcum, and that’s saying a lot.

Hint: it’s not “her father’s name”, it’s HER OWN name. The same one she’s had her entire life.

Exactly. No one ever goes "that's not really your name" to a man even if they acquire their names the same way. It's the dumbest and worst argument people trot out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he was surprised by the conversation, his first reaction may not have been the best reaction. Don’t blow this out of proportion.

Double barrel names aren’t common outside of certain cultures and they can be a burden.

This is a good chance to use communication skills that will serve you both well in marriage. Good luck!

Long live the patriarchy, right?

OP has a man's name either way. Either her husband's or her father's. Why is she so attached to her father's?

This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever read on dcum, and that’s saying a lot.

Hint: it’s not “her father’s name”, it’s HER OWN name. The same one she’s had her entire life.

DP. It's a fair point. Dad's name became her own name. If she takes DH's name that will also become her own name. Both names were passed down under this patriarchal tradition. Even if you change to your mom's maiden name (I had considered doing this when my parents got divorced), that's still your grandfather's name, and so on. Unless you make up an entirely new last name, whatever you pick was a man's name first. So keep your maiden name or don't, but women who choose to take their husband's name aren't promoting patriarchy anymore than women who keep their maiden name from their father or grandfather.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he was surprised by the conversation, his first reaction may not have been the best reaction. Don’t blow this out of proportion.

Double barrel names aren’t common outside of certain cultures and they can be a burden.

This is a good chance to use communication skills that will serve you both well in marriage. Good luck!

Long live the patriarchy, right?

OP has a man's name either way. Either her husband's or her father's. Why is she so attached to her father's?

This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever read on dcum, and that’s saying a lot.

Hint: it’s not “her father’s name”, it’s HER OWN name. The same one she’s had her entire life.

DP. It's a fair point. Dad's name became her own name. If she takes DH's name that will also become her own name. Both names were passed down under this patriarchal tradition. Even if you change to your mom's maiden name (I had considered doing this when my parents got divorced), that's still your grandfather's name, and so on. Unless you make up an entirely new last name, whatever you pick was a man's name first. So keep your maiden name or don't, but women who choose to take their husband's name aren't promoting patriarchy anymore than women who keep their maiden name from their father or grandfather.

Except one is a choice and the other is not. See the difference. You have agency in one and zero in the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he was surprised by the conversation, his first reaction may not have been the best reaction. Don’t blow this out of proportion.

Double barrel names aren’t common outside of certain cultures and they can be a burden.

This is a good chance to use communication skills that will serve you both well in marriage. Good luck!

Long live the patriarchy, right?

OP has a man's name either way. Either her husband's or her father's. Why is she so attached to her father's?

This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever read on dcum, and that’s saying a lot.

Hint: it’s not “her father’s name”, it’s HER OWN name. The same one she’s had her entire life.

DP. It's a fair point. Dad's name became her own name. If she takes DH's name that will also become her own name. Both names were passed down under this patriarchal tradition. Even if you change to your mom's maiden name (I had considered doing this when my parents got divorced), that's still your grandfather's name, and so on. Unless you make up an entirely new last name, whatever you pick was a man's name first. So keep your maiden name or don't, but women who choose to take their husband's name aren't promoting patriarchy anymore than women who keep their maiden name from their father or grandfather.

DP As a practical matter, changing the name on your birth certificate is more difficult than not changing it on your marriage certificate. Also, your birth certificate name selected for you by your parents is not the same as your married name selected (hopefully) by you.