Stay at home mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Save up as much as you can now. Your future potential husband may not realize how much it would cost to go back to work and send the infant to daycare($3k-$4k). Also, the minute the kid is around other kids, the fun begins with constant colds. The first 2 years of my kiddos lives I have saved on every possible thing. I breastfed my children so I havent spent a penny on formula. I also co slept. The clothes were given to me by my friends. I only bought carseat and a stroller.The first real bed - when my son was 2. Oh and diapers of course. Infants travel for free, so we took advantage of that and flew often in off season times.
With that being said, I was not a SAHM. I was an adult college student, then I began working PT with a nanny (she ate all my earnings.)

With the second - I stayed home for a year, brestfed him, co slept, clothes from my first one, etc. When he turned 1, I went back to work and had a combo of nannies, home daycares, friends helping out.

Motherhood is not easy in US. I dont know how women leave the newborns in daycares. Its so sad. You need a village to raise a kid. If your family is around, ask them for help. I am planning on helping my future grandkids as much as possible.

To have a village, you need to also be a very helpful and selfless villager first. I want to laugh out loud when some women cry "Where is my village?". LOL, Beetch, you cannot roast a turkey without calling the suicide hotline on Thanksgiving - you want a village?

I will help with my future grandkids...and that only happens that at least 1 or 2 generation is on board with the planning...
- we have always lived below our means while having high HHI.
- we have raised our kids well and they have married good people with same values
- our kids can plan ahead and know the benefits as well as expectations of being part of the village.
- we have made short term sacrifices for long term gains.

[Anonymous]

Here’s my experience. When dating, I had no plans to SAHM. My husband to be knew I didn’t want to SAHM and even with that he explicitly told me, a lawyer, that he would never want me to be a SAHM. He’s a physician and he said that SAHMs had poor mental health issues and he would want me to be have a job, any job, when we had kids even if it was something low earning. Fast forward to us having our first child and my husband realizes how utterly exhausting it is to have two working parents who both had to pull the weight when it came to the baby and without any prompting he told me that he would support me staying at home if I wanted to. I told him that I didn’t want to SAHM. He brought it up a few times more and let it rest. Apparently my mental health was no longer such a priority when he had to share the getting up in the middle of the night responsibilities.

So, take it for what it is. Many men who espouse they don’t ever want a SAHM has no idea how hard raising a family can be. Especially if they have a wife who will expect equitable contribution to the hands on child raising part.

Good luck to you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are men who want this but they might not be attractive to you in other ways.

Men are generally turned off by laziness. It’s a lot to take on the sole breadwinner role in this economy.

Being a stay at home mom is not lazy. It’s a tough job, tougher than a 9-5 in many ways.

Sorry but no.

Many of us work AND raise kids. We do both. So don’t tell those of us who have ample experience in both that one is harder than the other 🙄.

It’s really not that hard to throw a load of laundry in, give your kid some rice puffs, and pay your bills on your phone with one tap (assuming bills aren’t on autopay).

Working while raising children is really difficult. No one should question that.

Different choices work for different families. There are type A sahms as well as type A career moms. I detest the mommy wars. Do what makes you happy. The kids really do turn out all right in the end whatever choice you make.

Some sahms are keeping immaculate homes, doing gardening, house repairs, making their own baby food, etc. They do a lot of early childhood educational enrichment. They have the time to prioritize healthy food, exercise, and sleep schedules for their families. Homemaking, like any job, is just as much work ad you make it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM. My youngest is a senior. DH has been mostly supportive. I do not regret being home but I have been unable to break back into the workforce. I tried a few years ago and didn’t land more than a handful of interviews and wound up very underemployed. Eventually, I quit. So make sure you understand the risks! Nowadays, it can be scary to depend on a man. I hope DD will keep working when she becomes a parent for her own security. I love DH but I would be in trouble if he walked out.

How did I get DH to support the idea? I didn’t set out to be a SAHM when we dated. My own mom worked. But I did always think it sounded like it could be nice so we bought our first home on one income so we’d have the option. When I did actually get pregnant, we realized how expensive a nanny would be relative to my salary, so we started to seriously consider my quitting. To reassure DH we could get by, we put all my salary in savings to see what life was like on one paycheck. It went well so we figured I’d stay home until K. It wasn’t without sacrifices. No fancy cars or trips. No shows or concerts. But we didn’t mind. However, the timeline reset with each child. DH really valued my contributions and how it made everyone’s life less stressful so it worked out. But in recent years with an uncertain economy and inflation, he has become understandably nervous. We are financially stable with college covered and reasonable retirement savings (though far from our goal). I think it’s a lot of stress for the sole earner. I admit I wouldn’t want my sons to be in that boat.

I’m always amazed by women on here and irl whose earning potential equals the one of a nanny. It’s almost fascinating how many low income women there are on this board. I’m glad you’re all finding husbands to support you, because otherwise it would be tough for you out there.

But it also shows that men prefer to marry women like that. Low paid, subservant, easy to control . Even at expense of him becoming a sole breadwinner under high jobless stress whole life

Yeah, none of this is true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s worried that you’ll be a SAHM forever. Unless one spouse is making a really high income or you have family money it’s going to be tight to run a household with 3 kids.

OP here.
My mom was a SAHM. My dad was just middle class. They made it work.

Wake up and smell the coffee. We’re not in the 70s or 80s.

+1

The economics and risks are entirely different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend (32) and I (30) just ended our relationship. I’m really heartbroken. We had been together for a year and were even discussing getting engaged and married. We talked about having kids too. We both want to have kids (2 and maybe 3).
I don’t want to put my kids in daycare. I want to be a stay-at-home mom until they start school.
He doesn’t agree with this plan. We both have jobs and earn about the same amount. I believe we could manage on one income.
After two months of arguing about this, we decided to break up.
This isn’t the first time I’ve ended a relationship because the guy wasn’t okay with the idea of me being a SAHM.

There are a lot of SAHM on this board. I really need your advice. How did you persuade your husband to let you stay home?
A friend told me to not bring it up while dating because it will scare men. She recommended waiting until after I’m married and have kids. She said that they will be open up to it once they have children. Is that the right approach

Are there still guys out there in the dating world who are okay with that?
Where do I find them?

Never be a stay at home mother

Ever

Why in the world would you do this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM. My youngest is a senior. DH has been mostly supportive. I do not regret being home but I have been unable to break back into the workforce. I tried a few years ago and didn’t land more than a handful of interviews and wound up very underemployed. Eventually, I quit. So make sure you understand the risks! Nowadays, it can be scary to depend on a man. I hope DD will keep working when she becomes a parent for her own security. I love DH but I would be in trouble if he walked out.

How did I get DH to support the idea? I didn’t set out to be a SAHM when we dated. My own mom worked. But I did always think it sounded like it could be nice so we bought our first home on one income so we’d have the option. When I did actually get pregnant, we realized how expensive a nanny would be relative to my salary, so we started to seriously consider my quitting. To reassure DH we could get by, we put all my salary in savings to see what life was like on one paycheck. It went well so we figured I’d stay home until K. It wasn’t without sacrifices. No fancy cars or trips. No shows or concerts. But we didn’t mind. However, the timeline reset with each child. DH really valued my contributions and how it made everyone’s life less stressful so it worked out. But in recent years with an uncertain economy and inflation, he has become understandably nervous. We are financially stable with college covered and reasonable retirement savings (though far from our goal). I think it’s a lot of stress for the sole earner. I admit I wouldn’t want my sons to be in that boat.

I’m always amazed by women on here and irl whose earning potential equals the one of a nanny. It’s almost fascinating how many low income women there are on this board. I’m glad you’re all finding husbands to support you, because otherwise it would be tough for you out there.

You make some weird assumptions. I wasn’t low income but nannies aren’t cheap and you need to pay payroll taxes on top of salary. You do that out of your post-tax income. In addition, my job involved other expenses like monthly parking and wardrobe. I would have still brought in income but it didn’t feel like enough to be worth being away from my baby 40 hours a week once all was said and done. For some people, it would have been and that’s fine too. Everybody has their own equation.

It’s like the marshmallow test. Nobody is saying nannies aren’t a huge expense. But the expense is time limited. When you look into the future, control for savings, future earning potential, etc, unless you don’t have career prospects, it is usually better (financially) to stay working. I always wonder at people who make calculations based on today’s take home pay. That being said, there are a ton of non purely financial reasons that someone could choose to be a stay at home parent.

Most people -- men and women both -- don't have "career prospects", they have jobs. And they don't necessarily have the money at the time when they would need it for full-time child care. One way to handle this is to postpone having kids, but that means you're choosing a different set of risks and expenses, not necessarily a better one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How to become a SAHM within a year (know maybe tons of cases off the top of my head and have personal experience):

-

- Put on makeup, do your hair wear a dress and dress "trad"

-Go to mass at the right place: St Rita's, St Mary's in OT, Immaculate Conception, St Charles in Arlington

-Go to the coffee hour after for young adults

-Find the group of guys with the beards (they're probably making mid six figures working tech or some STEM field)

-Explain you're new to this community and want to learn more about the Saints and are looking to meet new people

-Go on a few coffee dates after mass with one of the guys (if it doesn't work find new guys, there will be a ton and you'll have your pick of the litter)

-Signal from the start you are looking to be a good wife and take the kids to mass and adoration and raise a good Catholic household and you're interested in the sacrament of matrimony

-He or someone else in the parish will propose in a few months if you signal it and be intentional of going to mass and the young adult events.

-Become married and leave your job

DO NOT DO THIS IF YOU ARE NOT SERIOUS. YOU WILL REGRET EVERY SINGLE THING. PLEASE DO THIS FOR THE RIGHT REASONS AND BEING SERIOUS ABOUT YOUR FAITH. THIS IS CRUCIAL!!

*This* disclaimer at the end of *this* post is 🤌

Never change, DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here’s my experience. When dating, I had no plans to SAHM. My husband to be knew I didn’t want to SAHM and even with that he explicitly told me, a lawyer, that he would never want me to be a SAHM. He’s a physician and he said that SAHMs had poor mental health issues and he would want me to be have a job, any job, when we had kids even if it was something low earning. Fast forward to us having our first child and my husband realizes how utterly exhausting it is to have two working parents who both had to pull the weight when it came to the baby and without any prompting he told me that he would support me staying at home if I wanted to. I told him that I didn’t want to SAHM. He brought it up a few times more and let it rest. Apparently my mental health was no longer such a priority when he had to share the getting up in the middle of the night responsibilities.

So, take it for what it is. Many men who espouse they don’t ever want a SAHM has no idea how hard raising a family can be. Especially if they have a wife who will expect equitable contribution to the hands on child raising part.

Good luck to you!

Yep. Men want to “support you” in having a fluff job and still doing 99% of the caregiving and housekeeping and emotional labor. Just make sure any man goes in eyes wide open that he will be doing 50% of everything, no matter how much money he makes or how much money you make.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t realize I wanted to be a sahm mom until I had my first. Husband totally not ok with it. 3 years later and an extreme amount of stress later we came to an agreement, and he also saw how stupid his original reaction was.

Truth is there is a cost no matter which road you pick. A person who is a hard worker and does their best is going to help the family thrive whether a sahm or full time working and traveling. Having kids is A LOT. If both spouses have FT demanding jobs they will need help. The degree to which they have help will be in direct proportion to their quality of life.

Anyway, lots to say about this but I would seek a spouse who was open to a real discussion and actually talking out what the variables are. Stay at home or work is just surface stuff, and even this is on a huge spectrum. It’s the underlying why’s and values that matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s worried that you’ll be a SAHM forever. Unless one spouse is making a really high income or you have family money it’s going to be tight to run a household with 3 kids.

OP here.
My mom was a SAHM. My dad was just middle class. They made it work.

Wake up and smell the coffee. We’re not in the 70s or 80s.

+1

The economics and risks are entirely different.

But the reality of raising kids you only see 1.5hrs/day isn’t any different.

[Anonymous]

I have four kids between the ages of 3 and 11 and
I currently work part-time at a low key job, but I have done everything from working full time with kids in daycare, to a stressful but well-paying part-time to job, to not working at all, to my current set up.

When we were dating, my DH stated that he would not want me to SAH and I agreed. However, I also made it clear that I was not very career-oriented and wanted to focus on jobs with work/life balance instead of maximizing income. I worked full-time (at one flexible job and then at one stressful job) until I was pregnant with my third, when we decided it made sense for me to stay at home and eventually go to part time work.

Through the early years of the marriage, we lived a modest, frugal lifestyle in order to pay off student loans and save aggressively for retirement. We continue to lead a simpler life than we could if we were dual income. DH came around to supporting me staying home after we had kids and decided to have a larger than average family. I have no doubt he would have broken up with me if I had demanded that he guarantee that I could quit my job after having our first baby.

I have a lot of mom friends who currently stay at home or work very part time. The vast majority of them continued working full-time after having their first child in order to reach financial goals before quitting. Most of them also plan to go back to work when the kids are older due to the financial realities of our world today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM. My youngest is a senior. DH has been mostly supportive. I do not regret being home but I have been unable to break back into the workforce. I tried a few years ago and didn’t land more than a handful of interviews and wound up very underemployed. Eventually, I quit. So make sure you understand the risks! Nowadays, it can be scary to depend on a man. I hope DD will keep working when she becomes a parent for her own security. I love DH but I would be in trouble if he walked out.

How did I get DH to support the idea? I didn’t set out to be a SAHM when we dated. My own mom worked. But I did always think it sounded like it could be nice so we bought our first home on one income so we’d have the option. When I did actually get pregnant, we realized how expensive a nanny would be relative to my salary, so we started to seriously consider my quitting. To reassure DH we could get by, we put all my salary in savings to see what life was like on one paycheck. It went well so we figured I’d stay home until K. It wasn’t without sacrifices. No fancy cars or trips. No shows or concerts. But we didn’t mind. However, the timeline reset with each child. DH really valued my contributions and how it made everyone’s life less stressful so it worked out. But in recent years with an uncertain economy and inflation, he has become understandably nervous. We are financially stable with college covered and reasonable retirement savings (though far from our goal). I think it’s a lot of stress for the sole earner. I admit I wouldn’t want my sons to be in that boat.

I’m always amazed by women on here and irl whose earning potential equals the one of a nanny. It’s almost fascinating how many low income women there are on this board. I’m glad you’re all finding husbands to support you, because otherwise it would be tough for you out there.

You make some weird assumptions. I wasn’t low income but nannies aren’t cheap and you need to pay payroll taxes on top of salary. You do that out of your post-tax income. In addition, my job involved other expenses like monthly parking and wardrobe. I would have still brought in income but it didn’t feel like enough to be worth being away from my baby 40 hours a week once all was said and done. For some people, it would have been and that’s fine too. Everybody has their own equation.

It’s like the marshmallow test. Nobody is saying nannies aren’t a huge expense. But the expense is time limited. When you look into the future, control for savings, future earning potential, etc, unless you don’t have career prospects, it is usually better (financially) to stay working. I always wonder at people who make calculations based on today’s take home pay. That being said, there are a ton of non purely financial reasons that someone could choose to be a stay at home parent.

Most people -- men and women both -- don't have "career prospects", they have jobs. And they don't necessarily have the money at the time when they would need it for full-time child care. One way to handle this is to postpone having kids, but that means you're choosing a different set of risks and expenses, not necessarily a better one.

DP. This is the reason why I think people in the SAH vs working debate so often talk past each other. Most of the SAHMs I know are doing it for a few years because they are not in love with their jobs, so a set back to their careers isn't the end of the world. Sure there is a financial risk, but most of them are able to find *jobs* when they are ready to return to work, as long as they don't spend decades out of the workforce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have four kids between the ages of 3 and 11 and
I currently work part-time at a low key job, but I have done everything from working full time with kids in daycare, to a stressful but well-paying part-time to job, to not working at all, to my current set up.

When we were dating, my DH stated that he would not want me to SAH and I agreed. However, I also made it clear that I was not very career-oriented and wanted to focus on jobs with work/life balance instead of maximizing income. I worked full-time (at one flexible job and then at one stressful job) until I was pregnant with my third, when we decided it made sense for me to stay at home and eventually go to part time work.

Through the early years of the marriage, we lived a modest, frugal lifestyle in order to pay off student loans and save aggressively for retirement. We continue to lead a simpler life than we could if we were dual income. DH came around to supporting me staying home after we had kids and decided to have a larger than average family. I have no doubt he would have broken up with me if I had demanded that he guarantee that I could quit my job after having our first baby.

I have a lot of mom friends who currently stay at home or work very part time. The vast majority of them continued working full-time after having their first child in order to reach financial goals before quitting. Most of them also plan to go back to work when the kids are older due to the financial realities of our world today.

+1 After having kid 3 was when some of the women I know scaled back or stopped working. At that point, the logistics are super difficult to make work with two people working full time, unless you're getting a lot of family or paid help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Long time ivy educated SAHM here - so, not stupid.

OP, this is a values issue. As you date moving forward, you can try and find a man who values family and parenting and when you are getting more serious tell him you envision parenting your children yourself, at least when they are little. I hope you find a guy who is aligned with your vision of how you want to raise kids.

Being a mom full time is the hardest, most rewarding thing I have ever done. I am not going to be on my death bed wishing I had spent most of my time away from my kids.

Bravo!