Stay at home mom

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend (32) and I (30) just ended our relationship. I’m really heartbroken. We had been together for a year and were even discussing getting engaged and married. We talked about having kids too. We both want to have kids (2 and maybe 3).
I don’t want to put my kids in daycare. I want to be a stay-at-home mom until they start school.
He doesn’t agree with this plan. We both have jobs and earn about the same amount. I believe we could manage on one income.
After two months of arguing about this, we decided to break up.
This isn’t the first time I’ve ended a relationship because the guy wasn’t okay with the idea of me being a SAHM.

There are a lot of SAHM on this board. I really need your advice. How did you persuade your husband to let you stay home?
A friend told me to not bring it up while dating because it will scare men. She recommended waiting until after I’m married and have kids. She said that they will be open up to it once they have children. Is that the right approach

Are there still guys out there in the dating world who are okay with that?
Where do I find them?

[Anonymous]

It’s not unreasonable for a man to want a working wife. I would also not go into marriage planning to pull a bait and switch unless you’re okay with the idea of working if he doesn’t agree. If this is truly a dealbreaker for you then you need to keep looking for high earners.

[Anonymous]

Look for MAGA who want tradwives.

[Anonymous]

There are men who want this but they might not be attractive to you in other ways.

Men are generally turned off by laziness. It’s a lot to take on the sole breadwinner role in this economy.

[Anonymous]

He’s worried that you’ll be a SAHM forever. Unless one spouse is making a really high income or you have family money it’s going to be tight to run a household with 3 kids.

[Anonymous]

Show him all the money you have saved up for the occasion since you started working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not unreasonable for a man to want a working wife. I would also not go into marriage planning to pull a bait and switch unless you’re okay with the idea of working if he doesn’t agree. If this is truly a dealbreaker for you then you need to keep looking for high earners.

OP here.
Is it unreasonable for a woman to want to be a SAHM? This is only during the kids early years. Why don’t men find it mutually beneficial?
Should I just give up on that wish?
Where did all SAHM here find men who didn’t find it unreasonable?

[Anonymous]

If you have three kids two years apart you will be out of the workforce for 9-10 years depending when their birthdays fall. More if the spacing is not quite so aggressive. That is a long time. Sole breadwinner is not going to be for everyone just as being a stay at home parent won't. You don't say what the salaries are, but this would make a difference too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are men who want this but they might not be attractive to you in other ways.

Men are generally turned off by laziness. It’s a lot to take on the sole breadwinner role in this economy.

.

Trolling to call it laziness, but I agree it is stressful to be a sole breadwinner.

[Anonymous]

Just lie, and stay home when their born.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just lie, and stay home when their born.

This is the move, OP. Why make a problem so soon before something happens?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s worried that you’ll be a SAHM forever. Unless one spouse is making a really high income or you have family money it’s going to be tight to run a household with 3 kids.

OP here.
My mom was a SAHM. My dad was just middle class. They made it work.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry for your heartbreak. I think it’s for the best. I sympathize with your sentiment but I think it’s very hard for most people to realize just how much parenthood changes their lives. there might be room for compromise too- what if you went part time and had a part time nanny? You might actually prefer that and it’s a safer option in one way as sahms can get screwed if they leave the workplace entirely and struggle if forced to re-enter. We chose this route but it meant we bought a house on one salary and with 20% down to give ourselves the wiggle room. That meant a modest house in an exurb. Make sure you are willing to sacrifice the ‘dream house in north bethesda’ scenario and see if he’s willing to. Good luck. Also, I met my spouse at 35 and we have three kids so you still have a chance.

[Anonymous]

You seem very focused on "this benefits the kids and it's what I want". But you need to actually address his concerns.

It may be that what you think is "enough" is not what they think is "enough". If you're really going to be persuasive you need to think through retirement savings for both of you and the possibility of extra expenses due to kids having special or medical needs, plus family of origin stuff. Plus goals such as owning a home or early retirement. You might not think college funds are important but what if he does? Stuff like that. And the pressure of being the sole breadwinner and knowing that his options to change jobs or earn less in a job he likes better are very, very limited because you've damaged your earning capacity.

He may worry that you'll become really boring (I'm not saying SAHMs are boring, I'm saying he might think that) and you'll live your lives basically separately because he'll have to work so much to afford it.

This arrangement *can* be mutually beneficial, or not, depending on how it goes. If you're not conscientious and organized, he'll have the loss of income plus a messy household and the kids won't get the level of care they'd get in a quality daycare. It may be that he just doesn't think you'd make a good SAHM, maybe he doesn't agree with your approach to parenting or you wouldn't cook or keep the house in a way that he likes.

Also consider that many people, including SAHMs, think their child benefits from a quality part-time preschool before starting Kindergarten. Which costs money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s worried that you’ll be a SAHM forever. Unless one spouse is making a really high income or you have family money it’s going to be tight to run a household with 3 kids.

OP here.
My mom was a SAHM. My dad was just middle class. They made it work.

Maybe he doesn't want that lifestyle. Not everyone wants to be middle class and "make it work" aka deny yourselves and your children various things and feel financial pressure.

You need to understand that times have changed.