Stay at home mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are men who want this but they might not be attractive to you in other ways.

Men are generally turned off by laziness. It’s a lot to take on the sole breadwinner role in this economy.

Being a stay at home mom is not lazy. It’s a tough job, tougher than a 9-5 in many ways.

Only with multiple pre-K kids. Anything other than that is much easier. My mother was stay-at-home and by the time we were in school every day was basically retirement for her. She really got to keep up on her soap operas though.

[Anonymous]

He probably thinks you are laying the groundwork to never have a real job again. If you quit after your 3 months benefits with the first kid and you don't go back until your second or third kid is 5 or nearly 6, that's like 8-12 years of earning zero. Not appealing to anyone with financial sense unless he's already earning a lot.

You don't realize the quality of life issues and risk level of what you are proposing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s worried that you’ll be a SAHM forever. Unless one spouse is making a really high income or you have family money it’s going to be tight to run a household with 3 kids.

OP here.
My mom was a SAHM. My dad was just middle class. They made it work.

But back then the SAHM also did the cooking and cleaning and so there was a benefit to the man. Now he needs to come home and cook dinner and do housework all evening, run the kids to activities, do bedtime routines, do homework, go out and get groceries, etc. There isn't a benefit anymore for the man and financial contributions aren't seen as really contributing at all to the family.

[Anonymous]

Long time SAHM here. Youngest a high school senior. I worked until 40. Then became a SAHM. I think I just lucked out. Married my man at 26, now married for three decades. He is my best friend. He works outside the home, I take care of everything in the home. I have a great life. I don't think you should have this SAHM conversation until you are engaged, OP. But of uou want it, it is possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s worried that you’ll be a SAHM forever. Unless one spouse is making a really high income or you have family money it’s going to be tight to run a household with 3 kids.

OP here.
My mom was a SAHM. My dad was just middle class. They made it work.

You sound really clueless saying stuff like that. How much did your parents spend to buy their house? What’s the average house price where you live? What did they spend on groceries? College? Do you know what all that costs today?

[Anonymous]

Op, don't listen to all the women here who were sold a bill of goods by radical feminism and want you to repeat their mistake of not taking care of their own children by being SAHMs during the children's early years. You need to ask for what you want. You did. Very clearly. Your guy was incompatible. Because he's been brainwashed too. It's better for the kids by far for the mom to SAHM at least for the early years and maybe longer. Yes that means your husband has more pressure and you might not have money for everything you would like to have during those years. So be it it's very strange that these weird women claim to be feminists. Except when another woman wants to make a life choice that causes them to feel the regret that they want and need to stay buried deep to avoid massive congitive dissonance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, don't listen to all the women here who were sold a bill of goods by radical feminism and want you to repeat their mistake of not taking care of their own children by being SAHMs during the children's early years. You need to ask for what you want. You did. Very clearly. Your guy was incompatible. Because he's been brainwashed too. It's better for the kids by far for the mom to SAHM at least for the early years and maybe longer. Yes that means your husband has more pressure and you might not have money for everything you would like to have during those years. So be it it's very strange that these weird women claim to be feminists. Except when another woman wants to make a life choice that causes them to feel the regret that they want and need to stay buried deep to avoid massive congitive dissonance.

Oh FFS. OP has gotten plenty of good advice here. Advice like "Learn math" and "Make a rational argument that addresses the man's concerns". Oh these awful feminists, they're such meanies for saying these things!

[Anonymous]

When dating, within the first couple months I said, "just so you know, I don't know if I will settle into a career I'm passionate about or if I want to stay home once I have children. A partner would have to be ok with either choice I make."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When dating, within the first couple months I said, "just so you know, I don't know if I will settle into a career I'm passionate about or if I want to stay home once I have children. A partner would have to be ok with either choice I make."

So lie?

[Anonymous]

Why don't you find a man who wants to be a SAHD and you can be the breadwinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, don't listen to all the women here who were sold a bill of goods by radical feminism and want you to repeat their mistake of not taking care of their own children by being SAHMs during the children's early years. You need to ask for what you want. You did. Very clearly. Your guy was incompatible. Because he's been brainwashed too. It's better for the kids by far for the mom to SAHM at least for the early years and maybe longer. Yes that means your husband has more pressure and you might not have money for everything you would like to have during those years. So be it it's very strange that these weird women claim to be feminists. Except when another woman wants to make a life choice that causes them to feel the regret that they want and need to stay buried deep to avoid massive congitive dissonance.

Oh FFS. OP has gotten plenty of good advice here. Advice like "Learn math" and "Make a rational argument that addresses the man's concerns". Oh these awful feminists, they're such meanies for saying these things!

+1. It doesn't matter whether other women here think it's a good idea or not, she's having trouble finding a man who wants this, and she doesn't understand why.

[Anonymous]

I worked FT before kids, was a SAHM when my kids were little and went back to work when the youngest started school. But I would not advise anyone to just be a SAHM, unless you have a trust fund or significant savings of your own before any kids arrive.

Think ahead to your mid-40’s, when some men have a mid-life crisis, have an affair, dump their wife out of the blue and run off to be single and free again. The wife has multiple small children and has been out of the workforce for a while, has no money or means of support. It won’t be easy to start over at this point — just read some of the posts here on DCUM. So while it’s great for the kids to have a SAHM, it really leaves you in a very vulnerable position.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, don't listen to all the women here who were sold a bill of goods by radical feminism and want you to repeat their mistake of not taking care of their own children by being SAHMs during the children's early years. You need to ask for what you want. You did. Very clearly. Your guy was incompatible. Because he's been brainwashed too. It's better for the kids by far for the mom to SAHM at least for the early years and maybe longer. Yes that means your husband has more pressure and you might not have money for everything you would like to have during those years. So be it it's very strange that these weird women claim to be feminists. Except when another woman wants to make a life choice that causes them to feel the regret that they want and need to stay buried deep to avoid massive congitive dissonance.

With which of the substantive arguments do you disagree?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, don't listen to all the women here who were sold a bill of goods by radical feminism and want you to repeat their mistake of not taking care of their own children by being SAHMs during the children's early years. You need to ask for what you want. You did. Very clearly. Your guy was incompatible. Because he's been brainwashed too. It's better for the kids by far for the mom to SAHM at least for the early years and maybe longer. Yes that means your husband has more pressure and you might not have money for everything you would like to have during those years. So be it it's very strange that these weird women claim to be feminists. Except when another woman wants to make a life choice that causes them to feel the regret that they want and need to stay buried deep to avoid massive congitive dissonance.

Oh FFS. OP has gotten plenty of good advice here. Advice like "Learn math" and "Make a rational argument that addresses the man's concerns". Oh these awful feminists, they're such meanies for saying these things!

+1. It doesn't matter whether other women here think it's a good idea or not, she's having trouble finding a man who wants this, and she doesn't understand why.

Easy one, because she's stupid

[Anonymous]

Life used to be more stable. Lots of men worked 20 plus years for the same employer and never seriously worried about being laid off. Maybe OP's dad was one.

Now, lots of people change jobs every few years. Worse, they lose their jobs. Federal civil servants who thought they had a good life time job have been fired by DOGE. Lots of government contractors lost their jobs. You can read a thread on this about a midcareer USAID contractor who lost his job over a year ago and hasn't gotten a single job interview. https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1324785.page

In such an environment, I don't think it's unreasonable for a man to be wary of a woman who wants to be a SAHM. Job loss isn't rare these days. Having a spouse who is also employed helps spread the risk. It's easier to cut your expenses by half than it is to live on savings alone.