Stay at home mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some friends' childcare costs were about equal to their salaries. However, it was an investment in future job opportunities. Not mommy tracking allowed maximizing long term income potential. These women wanted careers.

If you think about childcare coming out of family income, not just the mother's income, it sometimes gives a different perspective.

+1000 just like any other household expense like a mortgage etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I let my DH know on our second date. He was thrilled because he wanted a SAHM wife but women here tend to be so career-oriented he was afraid to scare them off. Ultimately, you are choosing a more traditional marriage (and someone with similar traditional views) than an egalitarian one. There’s pros and cons to both, but similar views lead to a happier, more stable marriage. I would encourage you to make your views known early on in a new relationship.

I have a traditional and a very egalitarian marriage. But, DH and I are from a different culture than the majority US culture. Family is a priority. We both saved a lot before I became a SAHM. So, we did not get into this with our eyes closed.

Today, we are saving for our DD and DIL. When our adult children choose to have children, we will move near them and support them. Our aim is to provide childcare (also employ a nanny to help) and other kinds of support so that the families can thrive and our grandkids can have a good foundation.

I think you mean “if.”

No. I mean "when".

They are high earners and sensible. They have found good partners from similar families who also want children. The normal stressors of today's youth - student debt, lack of good jobs, unaffordability of housing, issues with childcare, burden of eldercare, money problems - these have been removed or mitigated to a large extent.

My kids are not going to struggle with all of this and they are not on their own. We are not from the "self-centered" culture.

Oh, I see. You’re one of those posters who claim your children “weren’t interested in sex” in high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Understanding that men and women are different, with different strengths they use to better their family, is part of sharing the same values. If you believe that men and women are equally called to nurture small children, then staying at home isn’t for you.

I wonder how many people advocating against being a SAHM even for a few years when the kids are little, honestly would feel comfortable with their children having a male pre k or kindergarten teacher.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:He’s worried that you’ll be a SAHM forever. Unless one spouse is making a really high income or you have family money it’s going to be tight to run a household with 3 kids.

OP here.
My mom was a SAHM. My dad was just middle class. They made it work.

Wake up and smell the coffee. We’re not in the 70s or 80s.

+1

The economics and risks are entirely different.

But the reality of raising kids you only see 1.5hrs/day isn’t any different.

The kids will be at school all day in a few years, unless you take the nuclear nutjob route and homeschool them. There’s a reason the umbilical cord is cut at birth. It’s good for kids and parents to have space from each other.

[Anonymous]

Have financial protection for your and your kid's future - home, prenup, assets, insurance - before you become a SAHM. If the guy is trustworthy, he will put these in place before you quit.

You need trust and team work.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM. My youngest is a senior. DH has been mostly supportive. I do not regret being home but I have been unable to break back into the workforce. I tried a few years ago and didn’t land more than a handful of interviews and wound up very underemployed. Eventually, I quit. So make sure you understand the risks! Nowadays, it can be scary to depend on a man. I hope DD will keep working when she becomes a parent for her own security. I love DH but I would be in trouble if he walked out.

How did I get DH to support the idea? I didn’t set out to be a SAHM when we dated. My own mom worked. But I did always think it sounded like it could be nice so we bought our first home on one income so we’d have the option. When I did actually get pregnant, we realized how expensive a nanny would be relative to my salary, so we started to seriously consider my quitting. To reassure DH we could get by, we put all my salary in savings to see what life was like on one paycheck. It went well so we figured I’d stay home until K. It wasn’t without sacrifices. No fancy cars or trips. No shows or concerts. But we didn’t mind. However, the timeline reset with each child. DH really valued my contributions and how it made everyone’s life less stressful so it worked out. But in recent years with an uncertain economy and inflation, he has become understandably nervous. We are financially stable with college covered and reasonable retirement savings (though far from our goal). I think it’s a lot of stress for the sole earner. I admit I wouldn’t want my sons to be in that boat.

I’m always amazed by women on here and irl whose earning potential equals the one of a nanny. It’s almost fascinating how many low income women there are on this board. I’m glad you’re all finding husbands to support you, because otherwise it would be tough for you out there.

With overtime our nanny was averaging around $85,000 a year for our 3 kids, for the 8 years she worked with us. We offered benefits too. It’s nothing to sneeze at.

But the point is not how much you spend on nanny. The point is nanny’s salary was your own earning potential. If you were making $200k yourself you would have questioned the decision to stay home

You're omitting a few things: After tax cost of nanny is not the same as after tax marginal revenue from a second job esp. of it puts the family in higher state and federal brackets; frictional costs; you don't get to raise your own children which I guess suits some people just fine; and most importantly, your nanny probably isn't anything like Julie Andrews, and if she is, you're probably setting yourself up to be divorced once your husband falls in love with a woman who is actually raising his kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM. My youngest is a senior. DH has been mostly supportive. I do not regret being home but I have been unable to break back into the workforce. I tried a few years ago and didn’t land more than a handful of interviews and wound up very underemployed. Eventually, I quit. So make sure you understand the risks! Nowadays, it can be scary to depend on a man. I hope DD will keep working when she becomes a parent for her own security. I love DH but I would be in trouble if he walked out.

How did I get DH to support the idea? I didn’t set out to be a SAHM when we dated. My own mom worked. But I did always think it sounded like it could be nice so we bought our first home on one income so we’d have the option. When I did actually get pregnant, we realized how expensive a nanny would be relative to my salary, so we started to seriously consider my quitting. To reassure DH we could get by, we put all my salary in savings to see what life was like on one paycheck. It went well so we figured I’d stay home until K. It wasn’t without sacrifices. No fancy cars or trips. No shows or concerts. But we didn’t mind. However, the timeline reset with each child. DH really valued my contributions and how it made everyone’s life less stressful so it worked out. But in recent years with an uncertain economy and inflation, he has become understandably nervous. We are financially stable with college covered and reasonable retirement savings (though far from our goal). I think it’s a lot of stress for the sole earner. I admit I wouldn’t want my sons to be in that boat.

I’m always amazed by women on here and irl whose earning potential equals the one of a nanny. It’s almost fascinating how many low income women there are on this board. I’m glad you’re all finding husbands to support you, because otherwise it would be tough for you out there.

With overtime our nanny was averaging around $85,000 a year for our 3 kids, for the 8 years she worked with us. We offered benefits too. It’s nothing to sneeze at.

But the point is not how much you spend on nanny. The point is nanny’s salary was your own earning potential. If you were making $200k yourself you would have questioned the decision to stay home

You're omitting a few things: After tax cost of nanny is not the same as after tax marginal revenue from a second job esp. of it puts the family in higher state and federal brackets; frictional costs; you don't get to raise your own children which I guess suits some people just fine; and most importantly, your nanny probably isn't anything like Julie Andrews, and if she is, you're probably setting yourself up to be divorced once your husband falls in love with a woman who is actually raising his kids

You are omitting 20 years of women’s future income and pension savings with accrued income. No wonder you are SAH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are men who want this but they might not be attractive to you in other ways.

Men are generally turned off by laziness. It’s a lot to take on the sole breadwinner role in this economy.

Being a stay at home mom is not lazy. It’s a tough job, tougher than a 9-5 in many ways.

Sorry but no.

Many of us work AND raise kids. We do both. So don’t tell those of us who have ample experience in both that one is harder than the other 🙄.

It’s really not that hard to throw a load of laundry in, give your kid some rice puffs, and pay your bills on your phone with one tap (assuming bills aren’t on autopay).

When you are at work, for most of this group of high paid professionals, that's at least 8 hours a day M-F minimum. That's at least half if your waking hours. At most youre only half raising your kids. You really can't be two places at once. I'm talking about younger kids not school age so please no straw men.

[Anonymous]

You did the right thing. My ex husband would not let me stay home. We almost broke up dating. I said no kids then and he agreed. Guess what? He "changed his mind" and forced a pregnancy. And would not let me stay home. I eventually divorced him. He ruined my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just lie, and stay home when their born.

This does not work.

[Anonymous]

For OP, here’s a good idea: date men who live their mothers who stayed at home and get your personal finances in order.

My mother always worked and I wasn’t focussed on having children like you are but enjoyed travelling and working. Then, the biological clock started ticking and we decided to try for babies. Once I was pregnant, the not great childcare options for an infant and the lack of flexibility in my job made me loathe to go back to work. My husband surprised me and said I SHOULD stay at home. His mom had and he loved his childhood, whereas mine was fairly chaotic.

I had just made the last payment on my student loans and we had climbed out of credit card debt. So I stayed at home until the youngest was in first grade and then started working part time and eventually got back to full time.

You can do it, but see the first paragraph.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately the standard is now that you work FT and handle all logistics, planning etc.

I don’t recommend having kids unless you go in with eyes wide open about this.

Even if your husband is supportive of you staying home, it’s a terrible move because it places you in a precarious position.

This. They all want women to act like SAHM AND work full time. I don't recommend having kids. I would not agree to this dynamic and I was forced into it anyway (despite an agreement of not having kids). I knew it would suck and I did not want to sign up for it. I did not sign up for it, but once I was married, he did what he wanted to get his desired result (kids with me doing everything and working full time).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Understanding that men and women are different, with different strengths they use to better their family, is part of sharing the same values. If you believe that men and women are equally called to nurture small children, then staying at home isn’t for you.

I wonder how many people advocating against being a SAHM even for a few years when the kids are little, honestly would feel comfortable with their children having a male pre k or kindergarten teacher.

What does that have to do with anything? My daughter has male pre-k and my son male k teacher. Both were amazing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM. My youngest is a senior. DH has been mostly supportive. I do not regret being home but I have been unable to break back into the workforce. I tried a few years ago and didn’t land more than a handful of interviews and wound up very underemployed. Eventually, I quit. So make sure you understand the risks! Nowadays, it can be scary to depend on a man. I hope DD will keep working when she becomes a parent for her own security. I love DH but I would be in trouble if he walked out.

How did I get DH to support the idea? I didn’t set out to be a SAHM when we dated. My own mom worked. But I did always think it sounded like it could be nice so we bought our first home on one income so we’d have the option. When I did actually get pregnant, we realized how expensive a nanny would be relative to my salary, so we started to seriously consider my quitting. To reassure DH we could get by, we put all my salary in savings to see what life was like on one paycheck. It went well so we figured I’d stay home until K. It wasn’t without sacrifices. No fancy cars or trips. No shows or concerts. But we didn’t mind. However, the timeline reset with each child. DH really valued my contributions and how it made everyone’s life less stressful so it worked out. But in recent years with an uncertain economy and inflation, he has become understandably nervous. We are financially stable with college covered and reasonable retirement savings (though far from our goal). I think it’s a lot of stress for the sole earner. I admit I wouldn’t want my sons to be in that boat.

I’m always amazed by women on here and irl whose earning potential equals the one of a nanny. It’s almost fascinating how many low income women there are on this board. I’m glad you’re all finding husbands to support you, because otherwise it would be tough for you out there.

With overtime our nanny was averaging around $85,000 a year for our 3 kids, for the 8 years she worked with us. We offered benefits too. It’s nothing to sneeze at.

But the point is not how much you spend on nanny. The point is nanny’s salary was your own earning potential. If you were making $200k yourself you would have questioned the decision to stay home

You're omitting a few things: After tax cost of nanny is not the same as after tax marginal revenue from a second job esp. of it puts the family in higher state and federal brackets; frictional costs; you don't get to raise your own children which I guess suits some people just fine; and most importantly, your nanny probably isn't anything like Julie Andrews, and if she is, you're probably setting yourself up to be divorced once your husband falls in love with a woman who is actually raising his kids

You are omitting 20 years of women’s future income and pension savings with accrued income. No wonder you are SAH

I don't think even OP herself is advocating for hard-line to be SAHM permanently. Why are you assuming a SAHM for a few years who them goes back to the workforce is losing 20 years of torture income? Dumb take.

[Anonymous]

This entire thread is off the rails. These are such polarizing posts. Most women fall in between the extremes presented here. Some want to be home but can’t afford it. Some can afford it and want to be home but worry about lost wages over the long term. Some want to be home and can afford it so they choose that path for a few years. Some women hate being home even when they think they’d enjoy it. Some women hate working and wish they could be home. Some women find it is necessary to be home longer than planned (or when they don’t wish to be) because their children have disabilities requiring a lot of appointments during the workday. Some women are married to men who support their wishes to stay home. Some are married to men who resent it. Some believe they are safe in their marriage only to be left with nothing. Some end up being lucky and having a great long marriage. In the real world, I know women from every path and fortunately they respect that the path they have chosen doesn’t always work for someone else’s family or make someone else happy. They are respectful. They don’t judge SAHMs as lazy. They don’t judge working moms as neglectful. I think some of the people posting here just like the stir the pot.