Stay at home mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM. My youngest is a senior. DH has been mostly supportive. I do not regret being home but I have been unable to break back into the workforce. I tried a few years ago and didn’t land more than a handful of interviews and wound up very underemployed. Eventually, I quit. So make sure you understand the risks! Nowadays, it can be scary to depend on a man. I hope DD will keep working when she becomes a parent for her own security. I love DH but I would be in trouble if he walked out.

How did I get DH to support the idea? I didn’t set out to be a SAHM when we dated. My own mom worked. But I did always think it sounded like it could be nice so we bought our first home on one income so we’d have the option. When I did actually get pregnant, we realized how expensive a nanny would be relative to my salary, so we started to seriously consider my quitting. To reassure DH we could get by, we put all my salary in savings to see what life was like on one paycheck. It went well so we figured I’d stay home until K. It wasn’t without sacrifices. No fancy cars or trips. No shows or concerts. But we didn’t mind. However, the timeline reset with each child. DH really valued my contributions and how it made everyone’s life less stressful so it worked out. But in recent years with an uncertain economy and inflation, he has become understandably nervous. We are financially stable with college covered and reasonable retirement savings (though far from our goal). I think it’s a lot of stress for the sole earner. I admit I wouldn’t want my sons to be in that boat.

I’m always amazed by women on here and irl whose earning potential equals the one of a nanny. It’s almost fascinating how many low income women there are on this board. I’m glad you’re all finding husbands to support you, because otherwise it would be tough for you out there.

But it also shows that men prefer to marry women like that. Low paid, subservant, easy to control . Even at expense of him becoming a sole breadwinner under high jobless stress whole life

[Anonymous]

I don’t know many men in this economy who want this stress and anxiety. There’s a reason men die so much sooner than women. OP, you are essentially telling him you don’t care about his health and stress levels. No wonder he broke up with you.

[Anonymous]

Some friends' childcare costs were about equal to their salaries. However, it was an investment in future job opportunities. Not mommy tracking allowed maximizing long term income potential. These women wanted careers.

If you think about childcare coming out of family income, not just the mother's income, it sometimes gives a different perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM. My youngest is a senior. DH has been mostly supportive. I do not regret being home but I have been unable to break back into the workforce. I tried a few years ago and didn’t land more than a handful of interviews and wound up very underemployed. Eventually, I quit. So make sure you understand the risks! Nowadays, it can be scary to depend on a man. I hope DD will keep working when she becomes a parent for her own security. I love DH but I would be in trouble if he walked out.

How did I get DH to support the idea? I didn’t set out to be a SAHM when we dated. My own mom worked. But I did always think it sounded like it could be nice so we bought our first home on one income so we’d have the option. When I did actually get pregnant, we realized how expensive a nanny would be relative to my salary, so we started to seriously consider my quitting. To reassure DH we could get by, we put all my salary in savings to see what life was like on one paycheck. It went well so we figured I’d stay home until K. It wasn’t without sacrifices. No fancy cars or trips. No shows or concerts. But we didn’t mind. However, the timeline reset with each child. DH really valued my contributions and how it made everyone’s life less stressful so it worked out. But in recent years with an uncertain economy and inflation, he has become understandably nervous. We are financially stable with college covered and reasonable retirement savings (though far from our goal). I think it’s a lot of stress for the sole earner. I admit I wouldn’t want my sons to be in that boat.

I’m always amazed by women on here and irl whose earning potential equals the one of a nanny. It’s almost fascinating how many low income women there are on this board. I’m glad you’re all finding husbands to support you, because otherwise it would be tough for you out there.

You make some weird assumptions. I wasn’t low income but nannies aren’t cheap and you need to pay payroll taxes on top of salary. You do that out of your post-tax income. In addition, my job involved other expenses like monthly parking and wardrobe. I would have still brought in income but it didn’t feel like enough to be worth being away from my baby 40 hours a week once all was said and done. For some people, it would have been and that’s fine too. Everybody has their own equation.

It’s like the marshmallow test. Nobody is saying nannies aren’t a huge expense. But the expense is time limited. When you look into the future, control for savings, future earning potential, etc, unless you don’t have career prospects, it is usually better (financially) to stay working. I always wonder at people who make calculations based on today’s take home pay. That being said, there are a ton of non purely financial reasons that someone could choose to be a stay at home parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should date likeminded people and be honest about your vision of a family life.

This.

For better or worse, almost everyone I know where the wife doesn’t work involves at least one (often several) of the following factors:

Heavily involved in religious community
Military families
4 or more kids
Wife with family money

Honestly 99% of the time it’s: religious, rich, or military.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend (32) and I (30) just ended our relationship. I’m really heartbroken. We had been together for a year and were even discussing getting engaged and married. We talked about having kids too. We both want to have kids (2 and maybe 3).
I don’t want to put my kids in daycare. I want to be a stay-at-home mom until they start school.
He doesn’t agree with this plan. We both have jobs and earn about the same amount. I believe we could manage on one income.
After two months of arguing about this, we decided to break up.
This isn’t the first time I’ve ended a relationship because the guy wasn’t okay with the idea of me being a SAHM.

There are a lot of SAHM on this board. I really need your advice. How did you persuade your husband to let you stay home?
A friend told me to not bring it up while dating because it will scare men. She recommended waiting until after I’m married and have kids. She said that they will be open up to it once they have children. Is that the right approach

Are there still guys out there in the dating world who are okay with that?
Where do I find them?

Why would any man want that? It's a ton of pressure.

You don't want to be a true wife, you just want someone to finance your scheme.

😬

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM. My youngest is a senior. DH has been mostly supportive. I do not regret being home but I have been unable to break back into the workforce. I tried a few years ago and didn’t land more than a handful of interviews and wound up very underemployed. Eventually, I quit. So make sure you understand the risks! Nowadays, it can be scary to depend on a man. I hope DD will keep working when she becomes a parent for her own security. I love DH but I would be in trouble if he walked out.

How did I get DH to support the idea? I didn’t set out to be a SAHM when we dated. My own mom worked. But I did always think it sounded like it could be nice so we bought our first home on one income so we’d have the option. When I did actually get pregnant, we realized how expensive a nanny would be relative to my salary, so we started to seriously consider my quitting. To reassure DH we could get by, we put all my salary in savings to see what life was like on one paycheck. It went well so we figured I’d stay home until K. It wasn’t without sacrifices. No fancy cars or trips. No shows or concerts. But we didn’t mind. However, the timeline reset with each child. DH really valued my contributions and how it made everyone’s life less stressful so it worked out. But in recent years with an uncertain economy and inflation, he has become understandably nervous. We are financially stable with college covered and reasonable retirement savings (though far from our goal). I think it’s a lot of stress for the sole earner. I admit I wouldn’t want my sons to be in that boat.

I’m always amazed by women on here and irl whose earning potential equals the one of a nanny. It’s almost fascinating how many low income women there are on this board. I’m glad you’re all finding husbands to support you, because otherwise it would be tough for you out there.

You make some weird assumptions. I wasn’t low income but nannies aren’t cheap and you need to pay payroll taxes on top of salary. You do that out of your post-tax income. In addition, my job involved other expenses like monthly parking and wardrobe. I would have still brought in income but it didn’t feel like enough to be worth being away from my baby 40 hours a week once all was said and done. For some people, it would have been and that’s fine too. Everybody has their own equation.

It’s like the marshmallow test. Nobody is saying nannies aren’t a huge expense. But the expense is time limited. When you look into the future, control for savings, future earning potential, etc, unless you don’t have career prospects, it is usually better (financially) to stay working. I always wonder at people who make calculations based on today’s take home pay. That being said, there are a ton of non purely financial reasons that someone could choose to be a stay at home parent.

It's a lifestyle choice some couples just can't afford. Some can only if they make financial sacrifices. Even when finances aren't an issue, you aren't a mainstream family. AI says 73.9% mothers of kids under 18 work at least part, and of those 79% work full time. Those numbers may not be completely accurate but give a big picture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I let my DH know on our second date. He was thrilled because he wanted a SAHM wife but women here tend to be so career-oriented he was afraid to scare them off. Ultimately, you are choosing a more traditional marriage (and someone with similar traditional views) than an egalitarian one. There’s pros and cons to both, but similar views lead to a happier, more stable marriage. I would encourage you to make your views known early on in a new relationship.

I have a traditional and a very egalitarian marriage. But, DH and I are from a different culture than the majority US culture. Family is a priority. We both saved a lot before I became a SAHM. So, we did not get into this with our eyes closed.

Today, we are saving for our DD and DIL. When our adult children choose to have children, we will move near them and support them. Our aim is to provide childcare (also employ a nanny to help) and other kinds of support so that the families can thrive and our grandkids can have a good foundation.

I think you mean “if.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I worked FT before kids, was a SAHM when my kids were little and went back to work when the youngest started school. But I would not advise anyone to just be a SAHM, unless you have a trust fund or significant savings of your own before any kids arrive.

Think ahead to your mid-40’s, when some men have a mid-life crisis, have an affair, dump their wife out of the blue and run off to be single and free again. The wife has multiple small children and has been out of the workforce for a while, has no money or means of support. It won’t be easy to start over at this point — just read some of the posts here on DCUM. So while it’s great for the kids to have a SAHM, it really leaves you in a very vulnerable position.

This is me. My marriage is lousy, no affairs just garden variety we bring out the worst in each other and I find it exhausting. I’m not sure whether it is better or worse for my children so I stay. But, after being out of the workforce for 16 years it would be very hard to re-start my career. And I would need to lean in at a time when my kids still need me for rides (rural state so they really do need me to drive them around).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my husband proposed and asked me relocate with him for a professional program, he told me after his degree we would prioritize whatever I wanted to do and if I wouldn't move, he was staying put. My response was I'd support him through the degree and then wanted to stay home with three children. That's what happened. He understood and valued what I saw as my vocation. Would have been equally supportive of me having a career. Married 45 years. Exactly the life i wanted.

Some thoughts: you need to find someone who values you more than money. I don't know how. Others may have suggestions.
You need to have the ability to work if necessary. As with everything, it helps if you have family money/future inheritance.

We were downwardly mobile for 20 years, but were never worried because my family would have been delighted to employ us in a family business. They even made a counter offer to my husband when interviewing for first post grad job.

Didn't buy a house till I got an inheritance. Shared one compact car for decades.

OP, do you come with built in family support so your future husband never has to worry about losing his job?

Also this. Clearly family money backstopping them.

[Anonymous]

How to become a SAHM within a year (know maybe tons of cases off the top of my head and have personal experience):

-

- Put on makeup, do your hair wear a dress and dress "trad"

-Go to mass at the right place: St Rita's, St Mary's in OT, Immaculate Conception, St Charles in Arlington

-Go to the coffee hour after for young adults

-Find the group of guys with the beards (they're probably making mid six figures working tech or some STEM field)

-Explain you're new to this community and want to learn more about the Saints and are looking to meet new people

-Go on a few coffee dates after mass with one of the guys (if it doesn't work find new guys, there will be a ton and you'll have your pick of the litter)

-Signal from the start you are looking to be a good wife and take the kids to mass and adoration and raise a good Catholic household and you're interested in the sacrament of matrimony

-He or someone else in the parish will propose in a few months if you signal it and be intentional of going to mass and the young adult events.

-Become married and leave your job

DO NOT DO THIS IF YOU ARE NOT SERIOUS. YOU WILL REGRET EVERY SINGLE THING. PLEASE DO THIS FOR THE RIGHT REASONS AND BEING SERIOUS ABOUT YOUR FAITH. THIS IS CRUCIAL!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM. My youngest is a senior. DH has been mostly supportive. I do not regret being home but I have been unable to break back into the workforce. I tried a few years ago and didn’t land more than a handful of interviews and wound up very underemployed. Eventually, I quit. So make sure you understand the risks! Nowadays, it can be scary to depend on a man. I hope DD will keep working when she becomes a parent for her own security. I love DH but I would be in trouble if he walked out.

How did I get DH to support the idea? I didn’t set out to be a SAHM when we dated. My own mom worked. But I did always think it sounded like it could be nice so we bought our first home on one income so we’d have the option. When I did actually get pregnant, we realized how expensive a nanny would be relative to my salary, so we started to seriously consider my quitting. To reassure DH we could get by, we put all my salary in savings to see what life was like on one paycheck. It went well so we figured I’d stay home until K. It wasn’t without sacrifices. No fancy cars or trips. No shows or concerts. But we didn’t mind. However, the timeline reset with each child. DH really valued my contributions and how it made everyone’s life less stressful so it worked out. But in recent years with an uncertain economy and inflation, he has become understandably nervous. We are financially stable with college covered and reasonable retirement savings (though far from our goal). I think it’s a lot of stress for the sole earner. I admit I wouldn’t want my sons to be in that boat.

I’m always amazed by women on here and irl whose earning potential equals the one of a nanny. It’s almost fascinating how many low income women there are on this board. I’m glad you’re all finding husbands to support you, because otherwise it would be tough for you out there.

You make some weird assumptions. I wasn’t low income but nannies aren’t cheap and you need to pay payroll taxes on top of salary. You do that out of your post-tax income. In addition, my job involved other expenses like monthly parking and wardrobe. I would have still brought in income but it didn’t feel like enough to be worth being away from my baby 40 hours a week once all was said and done. For some people, it would have been and that’s fine too. Everybody has their own equation.

It’s like the marshmallow test. Nobody is saying nannies aren’t a huge expense. But the expense is time limited. When you look into the future, control for savings, future earning potential, etc, unless you don’t have career prospects, it is usually better (financially) to stay working. I always wonder at people who make calculations based on today’s take home pay. That being said, there are a ton of non purely financial reasons that someone could choose to be a stay at home parent.

Do you now the marshmallow test was found false? Poor people who have more risk will choose the “marshmallow” today because in their life experience it is not guaranteed tomorrow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are men who want this but they might not be attractive to you in other ways.

Men are generally turned off by laziness. It’s a lot to take on the sole breadwinner role in this economy.

Being a stay at home mom is not lazy. It’s a tough job, tougher than a 9-5 in many ways.

Sorry but no.

Many of us work AND raise kids. We do both. So don’t tell those of us who have ample experience in both that one is harder than the other 🙄.

It’s really not that hard to throw a load of laundry in, give your kid some rice puffs, and pay your bills on your phone with one tap (assuming bills aren’t on autopay).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I let my DH know on our second date. He was thrilled because he wanted a SAHM wife but women here tend to be so career-oriented he was afraid to scare them off. Ultimately, you are choosing a more traditional marriage (and someone with similar traditional views) than an egalitarian one. There’s pros and cons to both, but similar views lead to a happier, more stable marriage. I would encourage you to make your views known early on in a new relationship.

I have a traditional and a very egalitarian marriage. But, DH and I are from a different culture than the majority US culture. Family is a priority. We both saved a lot before I became a SAHM. So, we did not get into this with our eyes closed.

Today, we are saving for our DD and DIL. When our adult children choose to have children, we will move near them and support them. Our aim is to provide childcare (also employ a nanny to help) and other kinds of support so that the families can thrive and our grandkids can have a good foundation.

I think you mean “if.”

No. I mean "when".

They are high earners and sensible. They have found good partners from similar families who also want children. The normal stressors of today's youth - student debt, lack of good jobs, unaffordability of housing, issues with childcare, burden of eldercare, money problems - these have been removed or mitigated to a large extent.

My kids are not going to struggle with all of this and they are not on their own. We are not from the "self-centered" culture.

[Anonymous]

I think it's sort of short sighted, OP. I says that as someone who got married to someone who wanted a SAHM wife. However, turns out my husband started to resent me, and I got bored with the lack of mental stimulation after a few years. I went back to work in a part time capacity and that seems to work for everyone plus takes some pressure off my husband to provide.