Crazy paternity leave situation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dude, this is a weird question. I'm a mom of three, and have never taken a full maternrity leave, have done hybrid work as was in high-powered roles where it would have been impossible to take a full leave. My DH also in a high power role and maybe took a few days of leave. Yes, each of us were entitled to more, but we took less, because we are invested in career future and monetization of our talents as well as newborn care.

Wow so high powered yet you cannot read.

Did either you or your DH lie about not having leave to your spouse?

How can you prove what he said or supposedly lied about?

Won’t he just said he can’t remember or he never said that?

And the more you turn your divorce into a petty He said/ She said, the more likely it will remain at 50/50 custody. Until something very horrible happens- ie child is injured due to neglect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s a big deal. He put his comfort (easier to work than deal with a baby) ahead of hers. And lied about it.

Such a big big deal. Yesh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dude, this is a weird question. I'm a mom of three, and have never taken a full maternrity leave, have done hybrid work as was in high-powered roles where it would have been impossible to take a full leave. My DH also in a high power role and maybe took a few days of leave. Yes, each of us were entitled to more, but we took less, because we are invested in career future and monetization of our talents as well as newborn care.

Wow so high powered yet you cannot read.

Did either you or your DH lie about not having leave to your spouse?

So now the goal posts are moving to "lying to your spouse" to establish custody?

Another one that can’t read

No need to read your drivel. You're talking out your ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if a job offers it, often men cannot take it or they will be penalized. My husband took a few days. He got little leave. It sucked.

Did he lie to you about it?

No, he did not lie but most people cannot take off six weeks without risking their job. He lied as she wouldn’t listen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend came to me with the saddest mid-divorce reveal I’ve ever heard. When her only child was born, her DH only had 2 weeks of paternity leave. He didn’t take all of it and went back 2 days early. It was really hard on her and sometimes we still look back on those days pretty ruefully. The worst part was he worked for a Fortune 500 company that changed paternity-specific leave to parental leave that year and gave everyone with a new child 12 weeks, paid. He ended up covering leave for half his team while they still had their own tiny baby at home.

As part of some kind of mediation session during divorce, she found out that he actually had 6 weeks leave and just never took it. Which explained why when she asked him to petition to HR to be grandfathered in or get some kind of additional leave when they changed the policy, he said it was impossible.

I’ve never heard anything quite so specific and awful that wasn’t an affair. She’s asking me if she’s crazy. Am I ok in validating that this was a supremely messed up act of deception? Why would a father do that?

We are supposed to believe that this is a big issue for her now? Years later? During a divorce?

First off, the family courts won’t care.

Second off, you are saying he lied about it? Surely he lies all the time to look or feel better so this is just one example of many.

Next, yes white collared jobs with clients do a mix of things for taking actual leave or not. Up to the couple to take it when over the first 12 mos of when eligible. Some do a week or two right away, or after the grandparents guests leave.c or after the wife’s 12 weeks fml, or before the new nanny shows up, or whatever or only 1 or 2 weeks. Same with women.

Oh I think a family court might care if a dad lied to cut short his paternity leave. It’s probably part of a pattern of him avoiding caregiving duties. Although I stuck it out with my ex for several more years, I would have had an airtight case for getting much more than 50% physical custody based on his complete disinterest in being an active parent to a baby. He was actively avoiding it by claiming to “work late.”

This is totally irrelevant.
-Divorced (from an attorney)

Again please read the actual law - all DMV jurisdictions take into account the prior history of parenting involvement. I never said one single incident is enough but certainly this could be part of a pattern. And I strongly suspect that a guy who would lie to escape paternity leave was not a very involved father.

He was providing financially which is part of parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of you people are so pampered. I am older than you, had 2 children 17 months apart and my DH had no paternity leave. He took a week of vacation. If your friend’s experience was the saddest thing you ever heard, you have lived a charmed life.

Oh fk off this isn't the trauma olympics. No one takes women's health postpartum seriously and then we wonder why birth rates are in a nosedive. Your attitude is atrocious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you people are so pampered. I am older than you, had 2 children 17 months apart and my DH had no paternity leave. He took a week of vacation. If your friend’s experience was the saddest thing you ever heard, you have lived a charmed life.

Oh fk off this isn't the trauma olympics. No one takes women's health postpartum seriously and then we wonder why birth rates are in a nosedive. Your attitude is atrocious.

No, it’s reality for most.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if a job offers it, often men cannot take it or they will be penalized. My husband took a few days. He got little leave. It sucked.

Did he lie to you about it?

No, he did not lie but most people cannot take off six weeks without risking their job. He lied as she wouldn’t listen.

That’s what I m thinking. Op’s friend is too emotional to have a rational conversation. Lying is not okay, but op’s friend probably played a role in her dh lying

[Anonymous]

I thought the bad thing he did was going to be taking the weeks of leave and pretending to go to work but just golfing instead

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if a job offers it, often men cannot take it or they will be penalized. My husband took a few days. He got little leave. It sucked.

Did he lie to you about it?

No, he did not lie but most people cannot take off six weeks without risking their job. He lied as she wouldn’t listen.

No one anywhere will care if he denied, lied or omitted his paternity leave terms years ago.

Plus he’ll just say he doesn’t remember. Doesn’t remember what they were nor what he said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend came to me with the saddest mid-divorce reveal I’ve ever heard. When her only child was born, her DH only had 2 weeks of paternity leave. He didn’t take all of it and went back 2 days early. It was really hard on her and sometimes we still look back on those days pretty ruefully. The worst part was he worked for a Fortune 500 company that changed paternity-specific leave to parental leave that year and gave everyone with a new child 12 weeks, paid. He ended up covering leave for half his team while they still had their own tiny baby at home.

As part of some kind of mediation session during divorce, she found out that he actually had 6 weeks leave and just never took it. Which explained why when she asked him to petition to HR to be grandfathered in or get some kind of additional leave when they changed the policy, he said it was impossible.

I’ve never heard anything quite so specific and awful that wasn’t an affair. She’s asking me if she’s crazy. Am I ok in validating that this was a supremely messed up act of deception? Why would a father do that?

We are supposed to believe that this is a big issue for her now? Years later? During a divorce?

First off, the family courts won’t care.

Second off, you are saying he lied about it? Surely he lies all the time to look or feel better so this is just one example of many.

Next, yes white collared jobs with clients do a mix of things for taking actual leave or not. Up to the couple to take it when over the first 12 mos of when eligible. Some do a week or two right away, or after the grandparents guests leave.c or after the wife’s 12 weeks fml, or before the new nanny shows up, or whatever or only 1 or 2 weeks. Same with women.

Oh I think a family court might care if a dad lied to cut short his paternity leave. It’s probably part of a pattern of him avoiding caregiving duties. Although I stuck it out with my ex for several more years, I would have had an airtight case for getting much more than 50% physical custody based on his complete disinterest in being an active parent to a baby. He was actively avoiding it by claiming to “work late.”

This is totally irrelevant.
-Divorced (from an attorney)

Again please read the actual law - all DMV jurisdictions take into account the prior history of parenting involvement. I never said one single incident is enough but certainly this could be part of a pattern. And I strongly suspect that a guy who would lie to escape paternity leave was not a very involved father.

He was providing financially which is part of parenting.

How so? How big a part?
What does it entail?? What does “providing financially” exactly have to do with parenting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you people are so pampered. I am older than you, had 2 children 17 months apart and my DH had no paternity leave. He took a week of vacation. If your friend’s experience was the saddest thing you ever heard, you have lived a charmed life.

Oh fk off this isn't the trauma olympics. No one takes women's health postpartum seriously and then we wonder why birth rates are in a nosedive. Your attitude is atrocious.

No, it’s reality for most.

It’s not reality for most. Each parent in DC now gets 12 weeks paid leave. Same is coming soon for Virginia. Paternity leave isn’t rare anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dude, this is a weird question. I'm a mom of three, and have never taken a full maternrity leave, have done hybrid work as was in high-powered roles where it would have been impossible to take a full leave. My DH also in a high power role and maybe took a few days of leave. Yes, each of us were entitled to more, but we took less, because we are invested in career future and monetization of our talents as well as newborn care.

Wow so high powered yet you cannot read.

Did either you or your DH lie about not having leave to your spouse?

How can you prove what he said or supposedly lied about?

Won’t he just said he can’t remember or he never said that?

And the more you turn your divorce into a petty He said/ She said, the more likely it will remain at 50/50 custody. Until something very horrible happens- ie child is injured due to neglect.

Look, I am not going to go around in circles any more about this. But men who consistently evade their parenting responsibilities (which can start at birth) should be on notice that a judge in a custody case may not find them very convincing when they suddenly claim to want to be a full parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if a job offers it, often men cannot take it or they will be penalized. My husband took a few days. He got little leave. It sucked.

Did he lie to you about it?

No, he did not lie but most people cannot take off six weeks without risking their job. He lied as she wouldn’t listen.

Women take off more than six weeks ALL THE TIME.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend came to me with the saddest mid-divorce reveal I’ve ever heard. When her only child was born, her DH only had 2 weeks of paternity leave. He didn’t take all of it and went back 2 days early. It was really hard on her and sometimes we still look back on those days pretty ruefully. The worst part was he worked for a Fortune 500 company that changed paternity-specific leave to parental leave that year and gave everyone with a new child 12 weeks, paid. He ended up covering leave for half his team while they still had their own tiny baby at home.

As part of some kind of mediation session during divorce, she found out that he actually had 6 weeks leave and just never took it. Which explained why when she asked him to petition to HR to be grandfathered in or get some kind of additional leave when they changed the policy, he said it was impossible.

I’ve never heard anything quite so specific and awful that wasn’t an affair. She’s asking me if she’s crazy. Am I ok in validating that this was a supremely messed up act of deception? Why would a father do that?

We are supposed to believe that this is a big issue for her now? Years later? During a divorce?

First off, the family courts won’t care.

Second off, you are saying he lied about it? Surely he lies all the time to look or feel better so this is just one example of many.

Next, yes white collared jobs with clients do a mix of things for taking actual leave or not. Up to the couple to take it when over the first 12 mos of when eligible. Some do a week or two right away, or after the grandparents guests leave.c or after the wife’s 12 weeks fml, or before the new nanny shows up, or whatever or only 1 or 2 weeks. Same with women.

Oh I think a family court might care if a dad lied to cut short his paternity leave. It’s probably part of a pattern of him avoiding caregiving duties. Although I stuck it out with my ex for several more years, I would have had an airtight case for getting much more than 50% physical custody based on his complete disinterest in being an active parent to a baby. He was actively avoiding it by claiming to “work late.”

This is totally irrelevant.
-Divorced (from an attorney)

Again please read the actual law - all DMV jurisdictions take into account the prior history of parenting involvement. I never said one single incident is enough but certainly this could be part of a pattern. And I strongly suspect that a guy who would lie to escape paternity leave was not a very involved father.

He was providing financially which is part of parenting.

How so? How big a part?
What does it entail?? What does “providing financially” exactly have to do with parenting?

Newborns sleep most of the day. Should that factor in? If he was present during awake time does that count towards co-parenting? If OP's friend wants to play that game it might blow up on her.