Crazy paternity leave situation

[Anonymous]

Dh had 12 weeks paid. He planned on taking 8 weeks and then 4 weeks after I went back. I had everything under control, baby slept really well and the house was immaculate. I was also EBF so he couldnt even feed the baby. Anyways he went back 6 hours a day at 3 weeks instead. He loves his job and knew he’d come back to a disaster if he took 12 weeks straight (I personally did come back to a disaster that took almost a year to dig out from). Dh did end up taking off 2 weeks to over lap mine (we went on vacation together) and then took 4 weeks off once I went back to work.

I mean the OPs friends’ husband sounds like an ahole. But sometimes babies are super easy and there’s not much for dads to do. My dh lined up extensive renovation projects for our 2nd and 3rd babies who were also easy.

[Anonymous]

A man lying about how much paternity leave he has is terrible. But I sincerely doubt this paternity leave question is the reason they divorced. The lying is just another item on the “this guy is not good a partner” list.

Many men don’t take their paternity leave. I think many of them (but not all) are obnoxious for not doing so. I encourage the men who work for me to take it. One man is currently on his second six weeks. He took the first six weeks, came back and now is taking six weeks as his wife goes back to work.

But really, many, many women stay married to men who don’t take all their paternity leave. And it doesn’t always make sense for them to take it. Just like I was supposed to take 12 weeks when I got my knee replaced but I went back at 8 weeks due to work obligations. My knee reminds me of this mistake every day. But my career trajectory specifically linked to going back early outweighs my not so great knee.

Honestly, I don’t think you need to “validate” this. Sure, you can agree with your friend that this lie is just another example of why she is better off without him. But, I also wouldn’t dig in on helping my friend ruminate about what is likely a small detail in her divorce journey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend came to me with the saddest mid-divorce reveal I’ve ever heard. When her only child was born, her DH only had 2 weeks of paternity leave. He didn’t take all of it and went back 2 days early. It was really hard on her and sometimes we still look back on those days pretty ruefully. The worst part was he worked for a Fortune 500 company that changed paternity-specific leave to parental leave that year and gave everyone with a new child 12 weeks, paid. He ended up covering leave for half his team while they still had their own tiny baby at home.

As part of some kind of mediation session during divorce, she found out that he actually had 6 weeks leave and just never took it. Which explained why when she asked him to petition to HR to be grandfathered in or get some kind of additional leave when they changed the policy, he said it was impossible.

I’ve never heard anything quite so specific and awful that wasn’t an affair. She’s asking me if she’s crazy. Am I ok in validating that this was a supremely messed up act of deception? Why would a father do that?

We are supposed to believe that this is a big issue for her now? Years later? During a divorce?

First off, the family courts won’t care.

Second off, you are saying he lied about it? Surely he lies all the time to look or feel better so this is just one example of many.

Next, yes white collared jobs with clients do a mix of things for taking actual leave or not. Up to the couple to take it when over the first 12 mos of when eligible. Some do a week or two right away, or after the grandparents guests leave.c or after the wife’s 12 weeks fml, or before the new nanny shows up, or whatever or only 1 or 2 weeks. Same with women.

[Anonymous]

If that's the worst he ever did, it doesn't seem that bad.

[Anonymous]

My guess is this was part of a larger pattern of him dumping childcare on her or lying about things.

If you can't show up when your wife is physically recovering from giving birth to your child, when exactly are you going to show up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend came to me with the saddest mid-divorce reveal I’ve ever heard. When her only child was born, her DH only had 2 weeks of paternity leave. He didn’t take all of it and went back 2 days early. It was really hard on her and sometimes we still look back on those days pretty ruefully. The worst part was he worked for a Fortune 500 company that changed paternity-specific leave to parental leave that year and gave everyone with a new child 12 weeks, paid. He ended up covering leave for half his team while they still had their own tiny baby at home.

As part of some kind of mediation session during divorce, she found out that he actually had 6 weeks leave and just never took it. Which explained why when she asked him to petition to HR to be grandfathered in or get some kind of additional leave when they changed the policy, he said it was impossible.

I’ve never heard anything quite so specific and awful that wasn’t an affair. She’s asking me if she’s crazy. Am I ok in validating that this was a supremely messed up act of deception? Why would a father do that?

I don't think this is the big deal you make it out to be.

[Anonymous]

Some of you people are so pampered. I am older than you, had 2 children 17 months apart and my DH had no paternity leave. He took a week of vacation. If your friend’s experience was the saddest thing you ever heard, you have lived a charmed life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of you people are so pampered. I am older than you, had 2 children 17 months apart and my DH had no paternity leave. He took a week of vacation. If your friend’s experience was the saddest thing you ever heard, you have lived a charmed life.

You're ignoring that he lied. If your husband had lied to you and left you alone with the kids for no reason, how would you feel?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Taking care of a newborn is HARD. Many men are not cut out for doing hard things.

This is the correct answer to this thread. Expectations must be kept extremely low. That was Op's friends issue with her husband .

[Anonymous]

The lying is an issue. I’m guessing this is just one more bullet in a very long list.

The skipping paternity leave is meh. Sometimes job retention requires billable hours or utilization. While new parents are given months of leave at my company, at the end of the year if you don’t have xx% of the year’s hours charged to the client (regardless of the reason), you’re potentially on the chopping block.

But it definitely should have been discussed between both spouses and not unilaterally decided.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Taking care of a newborn is HARD. Many men are not cut out for doing hard things.

This is the correct answer to this thread. Expectations must be kept extremely low. That was Op's friends issue with her husband .

I can't tell if this is sarcasm but I live out in an ordinary suburban neighborhood with plenty of involved Dads.

Millennial Dads are way more involved than their parents were.

https://theeverymom.com/millennial-dads/

My husband took paternity leave for a month after I went back to work so we could keep our sons out of daycare longer. He and I pretty evenly split childcare.

And I know someone's going to say "Oh that's going to kill his career". Nope, my spouse even works in a traditionally very male engineering field and has done extremely well.

[Anonymous]

Is your friend a SAHM?

While there may be a policy if leave it would be frowned upon the higher you get in your career to take that level of time off. Women who have birthed are also on medical leave to recover. Its like companies that offer unlimited pto. Take unlimited time at risk to your career progression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you people are so pampered. I am older than you, had 2 children 17 months apart and my DH had no paternity leave. He took a week of vacation. If your friend’s experience was the saddest thing you ever heard, you have lived a charmed life.

You're ignoring that he lied. If your husband had lied to you and left you alone with the kids for no reason, how would you feel?

They are mid divorce, who cares? What's done is done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you people are so pampered. I am older than you, had 2 children 17 months apart and my DH had no paternity leave. He took a week of vacation. If your friend’s experience was the saddest thing you ever heard, you have lived a charmed life.

You're ignoring that he lied. If your husband had lied to you and left you alone with the kids for no reason, how would you feel?

They are mid divorce, who cares? What's done is done.

It's likely just another brick in the wall for her. A realization that the behaviors that led to their divorce had been going on for a long time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh had 12 weeks paid. He planned on taking 8 weeks and then 4 weeks after I went back. I had everything under control, baby slept really well and the house was immaculate. I was also EBF so he couldnt even feed the baby. Anyways he went back 6 hours a day at 3 weeks instead. He loves his job and knew he’d come back to a disaster if he took 12 weeks straight (I personally did come back to a disaster that took almost a year to dig out from). Dh did end up taking off 2 weeks to over lap mine (we went on vacation together) and then took 4 weeks off once I went back to work.

I mean the OPs friends’ husband sounds like an ahole. But sometimes babies are super easy and there’s not much for dads to do. My dh lined up extensive renovation projects for our 2nd and 3rd babies who were also easy.

And your situation has zero to do with the one OP described.