Crazy paternity leave situation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dude, this is a weird question. I'm a mom of three, and have never taken a full maternrity leave, have done hybrid work as was in high-powered roles where it would have been impossible to take a full leave. My DH also in a high power role and maybe took a few days of leave. Yes, each of us were entitled to more, but we took less, because we are invested in career future and monetization of our talents as well as newborn care.

Wow so high powered yet you cannot read.

Did either you or your DH lie about not having leave to your spouse?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend came to me with the saddest mid-divorce reveal I’ve ever heard. When her only child was born, her DH only had 2 weeks of paternity leave. He didn’t take all of it and went back 2 days early. It was really hard on her and sometimes we still look back on those days pretty ruefully. The worst part was he worked for a Fortune 500 company that changed paternity-specific leave to parental leave that year and gave everyone with a new child 12 weeks, paid. He ended up covering leave for half his team while they still had their own tiny baby at home.

As part of some kind of mediation session during divorce, she found out that he actually had 6 weeks leave and just never took it. Which explained why when she asked him to petition to HR to be grandfathered in or get some kind of additional leave when they changed the policy, he said it was impossible.

I’ve never heard anything quite so specific and awful that wasn’t an affair. She’s asking me if she’s crazy. Am I ok in validating that this was a supremely messed up act of deception? Why would a father do that?

We are supposed to believe that this is a big issue for her now? Years later? During a divorce?

First off, the family courts won’t care.

Second off, you are saying he lied about it? Surely he lies all the time to look or feel better so this is just one example of many.

Next, yes white collared jobs with clients do a mix of things for taking actual leave or not. Up to the couple to take it when over the first 12 mos of when eligible. Some do a week or two right away, or after the grandparents guests leave.c or after the wife’s 12 weeks fml, or before the new nanny shows up, or whatever or only 1 or 2 weeks. Same with women.

Oh I think a family court might care if a dad lied to cut short his paternity leave. It’s probably part of a pattern of him avoiding caregiving duties. Although I stuck it out with my ex for several more years, I would have had an airtight case for getting much more than 50% physical custody based on his complete disinterest in being an active parent to a baby. He was actively avoiding it by claiming to “work late.”

R u nuts?

Why are they even going to court and not mediating?

And no, divorce court doesn’t care if someone never used up their vacation days or benefits or leave long ago or even last year.

You barely have a point OP. And you clearly aren’t old enough to observe how it plays out in real jobs at real employers post covid.

I’m a PP not OP. And yes in allocating physical custody a court will absolutely consider which parent has been the active parent. Dads who did everything they could to avoid parenting (including lying about their leave) will have a hard time showing they are entitled to 50-50 especially for small kids. And again someone millions of moms figure out how to hold down jobs and parent.

Not sure what state you are in it 50/50 is the default for anything unless physically abusing the child, not other spouse.

Lying or forgetting about unused paternity leave ain’t a needle mover.

Hope your lawyer helps you or if they’re milking you hope you run out of money fast.

That’s not true. If a dad has not been actively involved in parenting (to the extent he lied about paternity leave) then this is good evidence that the best interests of the child are to stay with the mom more than 50% of the time.

You know of cases where custody was determined by looking back at how many days of paternity were taken and used? Really?

I know that there are cases where the dad’s history of uninvolvement impacts custody time - and this is expressly a factor for the DC courts to consider. Obviously using deception to evade paternity leave would be something a judge would likely take note of.

So no, you don't. If you have to reach that far back to try to make this case you have nothing.

Are you really trying to say that just because I can’t show you a case where a dude specifically faked not having paternity leave in order to evade parenting responsibilities, that it can never be a fact used in a custody determination?

Yes. Because OPs kids sound much older and fixating on "paternity leave evasion" to try to make this case sounds like a lot of crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dude, this is a weird question. I'm a mom of three, and have never taken a full maternrity leave, have done hybrid work as was in high-powered roles where it would have been impossible to take a full leave. My DH also in a high power role and maybe took a few days of leave. Yes, each of us were entitled to more, but we took less, because we are invested in career future and monetization of our talents as well as newborn care.

Wow so high powered yet you cannot read.

Did either you or your DH lie about not having leave to your spouse?

So now the goal posts are moving to "lying to your spouse" to establish custody?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend came to me with the saddest mid-divorce reveal I’ve ever heard. When her only child was born, her DH only had 2 weeks of paternity leave. He didn’t take all of it and went back 2 days early. It was really hard on her and sometimes we still look back on those days pretty ruefully. The worst part was he worked for a Fortune 500 company that changed paternity-specific leave to parental leave that year and gave everyone with a new child 12 weeks, paid. He ended up covering leave for half his team while they still had their own tiny baby at home.

As part of some kind of mediation session during divorce, she found out that he actually had 6 weeks leave and just never took it. Which explained why when she asked him to petition to HR to be grandfathered in or get some kind of additional leave when they changed the policy, he said it was impossible.

I’ve never heard anything quite so specific and awful that wasn’t an affair. She’s asking me if she’s crazy. Am I ok in validating that this was a supremely messed up act of deception? Why would a father do that?

We are supposed to believe that this is a big issue for her now? Years later? During a divorce?

First off, the family courts won’t care.

Second off, you are saying he lied about it? Surely he lies all the time to look or feel better so this is just one example of many.

Next, yes white collared jobs with clients do a mix of things for taking actual leave or not. Up to the couple to take it when over the first 12 mos of when eligible. Some do a week or two right away, or after the grandparents guests leave.c or after the wife’s 12 weeks fml, or before the new nanny shows up, or whatever or only 1 or 2 weeks. Same with women.

Oh I think a family court might care if a dad lied to cut short his paternity leave. It’s probably part of a pattern of him avoiding caregiving duties. Although I stuck it out with my ex for several more years, I would have had an airtight case for getting much more than 50% physical custody based on his complete disinterest in being an active parent to a baby. He was actively avoiding it by claiming to “work late.”

This is totally irrelevant.
-Divorced (from an attorney)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend came to me with the saddest mid-divorce reveal I’ve ever heard. When her only child was born, her DH only had 2 weeks of paternity leave. He didn’t take all of it and went back 2 days early. It was really hard on her and sometimes we still look back on those days pretty ruefully. The worst part was he worked for a Fortune 500 company that changed paternity-specific leave to parental leave that year and gave everyone with a new child 12 weeks, paid. He ended up covering leave for half his team while they still had their own tiny baby at home.

As part of some kind of mediation session during divorce, she found out that he actually had 6 weeks leave and just never took it. Which explained why when she asked him to petition to HR to be grandfathered in or get some kind of additional leave when they changed the policy, he said it was impossible.

I’ve never heard anything quite so specific and awful that wasn’t an affair. She’s asking me if she’s crazy. Am I ok in validating that this was a supremely messed up act of deception? Why would a father do that?

We are supposed to believe that this is a big issue for her now? Years later? During a divorce?

First off, the family courts won’t care.

Second off, you are saying he lied about it? Surely he lies all the time to look or feel better so this is just one example of many.

Next, yes white collared jobs with clients do a mix of things for taking actual leave or not. Up to the couple to take it when over the first 12 mos of when eligible. Some do a week or two right away, or after the grandparents guests leave.c or after the wife’s 12 weeks fml, or before the new nanny shows up, or whatever or only 1 or 2 weeks. Same with women.

Oh I think a family court might care if a dad lied to cut short his paternity leave. It’s probably part of a pattern of him avoiding caregiving duties. Although I stuck it out with my ex for several more years, I would have had an airtight case for getting much more than 50% physical custody based on his complete disinterest in being an active parent to a baby. He was actively avoiding it by claiming to “work late.”

R u nuts?

Why are they even going to court and not mediating?

And no, divorce court doesn’t care if someone never used up their vacation days or benefits or leave long ago or even last year.

You barely have a point OP. And you clearly aren’t old enough to observe how it plays out in real jobs at real employers post covid.

I’m a PP not OP. And yes in allocating physical custody a court will absolutely consider which parent has been the active parent. Dads who did everything they could to avoid parenting (including lying about their leave) will have a hard time showing they are entitled to 50-50 especially for small kids. And again someone millions of moms figure out how to hold down jobs and parent.

Not sure what state you are in it 50/50 is the default for anything unless physically abusing the child, not other spouse.

Lying or forgetting about unused paternity leave ain’t a needle mover.

Hope your lawyer helps you or if they’re milking you hope you run out of money fast.

+1

this post is irrelevant in a divorce and ridiculous

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dude, this is a weird question. I'm a mom of three, and have never taken a full maternrity leave, have done hybrid work as was in high-powered roles where it would have been impossible to take a full leave. My DH also in a high power role and maybe took a few days of leave. Yes, each of us were entitled to more, but we took less, because we are invested in career future and monetization of our talents as well as newborn care.

Wow so high powered yet you cannot read.

Did either you or your DH lie about not having leave to your spouse?

So now the goal posts are moving to "lying to your spouse" to establish custody?

Another one that can’t read

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend came to me with the saddest mid-divorce reveal I’ve ever heard. When her only child was born, her DH only had 2 weeks of paternity leave. He didn’t take all of it and went back 2 days early. It was really hard on her and sometimes we still look back on those days pretty ruefully. The worst part was he worked for a Fortune 500 company that changed paternity-specific leave to parental leave that year and gave everyone with a new child 12 weeks, paid. He ended up covering leave for half his team while they still had their own tiny baby at home.

As part of some kind of mediation session during divorce, she found out that he actually had 6 weeks leave and just never took it. Which explained why when she asked him to petition to HR to be grandfathered in or get some kind of additional leave when they changed the policy, he said it was impossible.

I’ve never heard anything quite so specific and awful that wasn’t an affair. She’s asking me if she’s crazy. Am I ok in validating that this was a supremely messed up act of deception? Why would a father do that?

We are supposed to believe that this is a big issue for her now? Years later? During a divorce?

First off, the family courts won’t care.

Second off, you are saying he lied about it? Surely he lies all the time to look or feel better so this is just one example of many.

Next, yes white collared jobs with clients do a mix of things for taking actual leave or not. Up to the couple to take it when over the first 12 mos of when eligible. Some do a week or two right away, or after the grandparents guests leave.c or after the wife’s 12 weeks fml, or before the new nanny shows up, or whatever or only 1 or 2 weeks. Same with women.

Oh I think a family court might care if a dad lied to cut short his paternity leave. It’s probably part of a pattern of him avoiding caregiving duties. Although I stuck it out with my ex for several more years, I would have had an airtight case for getting much more than 50% physical custody based on his complete disinterest in being an active parent to a baby. He was actively avoiding it by claiming to “work late.”

This is totally irrelevant.
-Divorced (from an attorney)

Again please read the actual law - all DMV jurisdictions take into account the prior history of parenting involvement. I never said one single incident is enough but certainly this could be part of a pattern. And I strongly suspect that a guy who would lie to escape paternity leave was not a very involved father.

[Anonymous]

It’s a big deal. He put his comfort (easier to work than deal with a baby) ahead of hers. And lied about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend came to me with the saddest mid-divorce reveal I’ve ever heard. When her only child was born, her DH only had 2 weeks of paternity leave. He didn’t take all of it and went back 2 days early. It was really hard on her and sometimes we still look back on those days pretty ruefully. The worst part was he worked for a Fortune 500 company that changed paternity-specific leave to parental leave that year and gave everyone with a new child 12 weeks, paid. He ended up covering leave for half his team while they still had their own tiny baby at home.

As part of some kind of mediation session during divorce, she found out that he actually had 6 weeks leave and just never took it. Which explained why when she asked him to petition to HR to be grandfathered in or get some kind of additional leave when they changed the policy, he said it was impossible.

I’ve never heard anything quite so specific and awful that wasn’t an affair. She’s asking me if she’s crazy. Am I ok in validating that this was a supremely messed up act of deception? Why would a father do that?

I would MYOB and not comment too much. They would still be divorcing whether he took his full 6 weeks of paternity leave or not.

I don’t agree with you that this is the worst thing short of an affair that can happen in a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Even if a job offers it, often men cannot take it or they will be penalized. My husband took a few days. He got little leave. It sucked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even if a job offers it, often men cannot take it or they will be penalized. My husband took a few days. He got little leave. It sucked.

Did he lie to you about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even if a job offers it, often men cannot take it or they will be penalized. My husband took a few days. He got little leave. It sucked.

He was denied? Or he was scared to challenge the status quo?

It’s, legally speaking, sex discrimination to penalize men for taking bonding leave that women regularly take.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if a job offers it, often men cannot take it or they will be penalized. My husband took a few days. He got little leave. It sucked.

He was denied? Or he was scared to challenge the status quo?

It’s, legally speaking, sex discrimination to penalize men for taking bonding leave that women regularly take.

Correct. And while women just suck it up men often refuse to confront it. or more likely they believe consciously or not that they are entitled to not change their lives while their wife shoulders the burden even if she has her own job. It is insidious and should be nipped in the bud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if a job offers it, often men cannot take it or they will be penalized. My husband took a few days. He got little leave. It sucked.

He was denied? Or he was scared to challenge the status quo?

It’s, legally speaking, sex discrimination to penalize men for taking bonding leave that women regularly take.

Correct. And while women just suck it up men often refuse to confront it. or more likely they believe consciously or not that they are entitled to not change their lives while their wife shoulders the burden even if she has her own job. It is insidious and should be nipped in the bud.

Yes, this is why I shame men at work for taking less than the full available parental leave. As far as I can tell, it’s working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend came to me with the saddest mid-divorce reveal I’ve ever heard. When her only child was born, her DH only had 2 weeks of paternity leave. He didn’t take all of it and went back 2 days early. It was really hard on her and sometimes we still look back on those days pretty ruefully. The worst part was he worked for a Fortune 500 company that changed paternity-specific leave to parental leave that year and gave everyone with a new child 12 weeks, paid. He ended up covering leave for half his team while they still had their own tiny baby at home.

As part of some kind of mediation session during divorce, she found out that he actually had 6 weeks leave and just never took it. Which explained why when she asked him to petition to HR to be grandfathered in or get some kind of additional leave when they changed the policy, he said it was impossible.

I’ve never heard anything quite so specific and awful that wasn’t an affair. She’s asking me if she’s crazy. Am I ok in validating that this was a supremely messed up act of deception? Why would a father do that?

sooo sooo crazy.

Your friend is divorcing some jerk who allegedly hid that he legally could have taken more days off of work!!?

what a bastard.

I bet he’ll lose everything in the divorce with that unprovable suggestion.

Cray cray