Crazy paternity leave situation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend came to me with the saddest mid-divorce reveal I’ve ever heard. When her only child was born, her DH only had 2 weeks of paternity leave. He didn’t take all of it and went back 2 days early. It was really hard on her and sometimes we still look back on those days pretty ruefully. The worst part was he worked for a Fortune 500 company that changed paternity-specific leave to parental leave that year and gave everyone with a new child 12 weeks, paid. He ended up covering leave for half his team while they still had their own tiny baby at home.

As part of some kind of mediation session during divorce, she found out that he actually had 6 weeks leave and just never took it. Which explained why when she asked him to petition to HR to be grandfathered in or get some kind of additional leave when they changed the policy, he said it was impossible.

I’ve never heard anything quite so specific and awful that wasn’t an affair. She’s asking me if she’s crazy. Am I ok in validating that this was a supremely messed up act of deception? Why would a father do that?

We are supposed to believe that this is a big issue for her now? Years later? During a divorce?

First off, the family courts won’t care.

Second off, you are saying he lied about it? Surely he lies all the time to look or feel better so this is just one example of many.

Next, yes white collared jobs with clients do a mix of things for taking actual leave or not. Up to the couple to take it when over the first 12 mos of when eligible. Some do a week or two right away, or after the grandparents guests leave.c or after the wife’s 12 weeks fml, or before the new nanny shows up, or whatever or only 1 or 2 weeks. Same with women.

Oh I think a family court might care if a dad lied to cut short his paternity leave. It’s probably part of a pattern of him avoiding caregiving duties. Although I stuck it out with my ex for several more years, I would have had an airtight case for getting much more than 50% physical custody based on his complete disinterest in being an active parent to a baby. He was actively avoiding it by claiming to “work late.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you people are so pampered. I am older than you, had 2 children 17 months apart and my DH had no paternity leave. He took a week of vacation. If your friend’s experience was the saddest thing you ever heard, you have lived a charmed life.

You're ignoring that he lied. If your husband had lied to you and left you alone with the kids for no reason, how would you feel?

They are mid divorce, who cares? What's done is done.

It's likely just another brick in the wall for her. A realization that the behaviors that led to their divorce had been going on for a long time.

But again, it's in the past. Can't fix it or change it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend came to me with the saddest mid-divorce reveal I’ve ever heard. When her only child was born, her DH only had 2 weeks of paternity leave. He didn’t take all of it and went back 2 days early. It was really hard on her and sometimes we still look back on those days pretty ruefully. The worst part was he worked for a Fortune 500 company that changed paternity-specific leave to parental leave that year and gave everyone with a new child 12 weeks, paid. He ended up covering leave for half his team while they still had their own tiny baby at home.

As part of some kind of mediation session during divorce, she found out that he actually had 6 weeks leave and just never took it. Which explained why when she asked him to petition to HR to be grandfathered in or get some kind of additional leave when they changed the policy, he said it was impossible.

I’ve never heard anything quite so specific and awful that wasn’t an affair. She’s asking me if she’s crazy. Am I ok in validating that this was a supremely messed up act of deception? Why would a father do that?

That’s not even close to the “saddest mid divorce reveal.”

Get a grip OP.

Not even sure how you trolled this lame of a non point up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend came to me with the saddest mid-divorce reveal I’ve ever heard. When her only child was born, her DH only had 2 weeks of paternity leave. He didn’t take all of it and went back 2 days early. It was really hard on her and sometimes we still look back on those days pretty ruefully. The worst part was he worked for a Fortune 500 company that changed paternity-specific leave to parental leave that year and gave everyone with a new child 12 weeks, paid. He ended up covering leave for half his team while they still had their own tiny baby at home.

As part of some kind of mediation session during divorce, she found out that he actually had 6 weeks leave and just never took it. Which explained why when she asked him to petition to HR to be grandfathered in or get some kind of additional leave when they changed the policy, he said it was impossible.

I’ve never heard anything quite so specific and awful that wasn’t an affair. She’s asking me if she’s crazy. Am I ok in validating that this was a supremely messed up act of deception? Why would a father do that?

We are supposed to believe that this is a big issue for her now? Years later? During a divorce?

First off, the family courts won’t care.

Second off, you are saying he lied about it? Surely he lies all the time to look or feel better so this is just one example of many.

Next, yes white collared jobs with clients do a mix of things for taking actual leave or not. Up to the couple to take it when over the first 12 mos of when eligible. Some do a week or two right away, or after the grandparents guests leave.c or after the wife’s 12 weeks fml, or before the new nanny shows up, or whatever or only 1 or 2 weeks. Same with women.

Oh I think a family court might care if a dad lied to cut short his paternity leave. It’s probably part of a pattern of him avoiding caregiving duties. Although I stuck it out with my ex for several more years, I would have had an airtight case for getting much more than 50% physical custody based on his complete disinterest in being an active parent to a baby. He was actively avoiding it by claiming to “work late.”

R u nuts?

Why are they even going to court and not mediating?

And no, divorce court doesn’t care if someone never used up their vacation days or benefits or leave long ago or even last year.

You barely have a point OP. And you clearly aren’t old enough to observe how it plays out in real jobs at real employers post covid.

[Anonymous]

Not crazy.

How long ago did this happen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend came to me with the saddest mid-divorce reveal I’ve ever heard. When her only child was born, her DH only had 2 weeks of paternity leave. He didn’t take all of it and went back 2 days early. It was really hard on her and sometimes we still look back on those days pretty ruefully. The worst part was he worked for a Fortune 500 company that changed paternity-specific leave to parental leave that year and gave everyone with a new child 12 weeks, paid. He ended up covering leave for half his team while they still had their own tiny baby at home.

As part of some kind of mediation session during divorce, she found out that he actually had 6 weeks leave and just never took it. Which explained why when she asked him to petition to HR to be grandfathered in or get some kind of additional leave when they changed the policy, he said it was impossible.

I’ve never heard anything quite so specific and awful that wasn’t an affair. She’s asking me if she’s crazy. Am I ok in validating that this was a supremely messed up act of deception? Why would a father do that?

We are supposed to believe that this is a big issue for her now? Years later? During a divorce?

First off, the family courts won’t care.

Second off, you are saying he lied about it? Surely he lies all the time to look or feel better so this is just one example of many.

Next, yes white collared jobs with clients do a mix of things for taking actual leave or not. Up to the couple to take it when over the first 12 mos of when eligible. Some do a week or two right away, or after the grandparents guests leave.c or after the wife’s 12 weeks fml, or before the new nanny shows up, or whatever or only 1 or 2 weeks. Same with women.

Oh I think a family court might care if a dad lied to cut short his paternity leave. It’s probably part of a pattern of him avoiding caregiving duties. Although I stuck it out with my ex for several more years, I would have had an airtight case for getting much more than 50% physical custody based on his complete disinterest in being an active parent to a baby. He was actively avoiding it by claiming to “work late.”

R u nuts?

Why are they even going to court and not mediating?

And no, divorce court doesn’t care if someone never used up their vacation days or benefits or leave long ago or even last year.

You barely have a point OP. And you clearly aren’t old enough to observe how it plays out in real jobs at real employers post covid.

I’m a PP not OP. And yes in allocating physical custody a court will absolutely consider which parent has been the active parent. Dads who did everything they could to avoid parenting (including lying about their leave) will have a hard time showing they are entitled to 50-50 especially for small kids. And again someone millions of moms figure out how to hold down jobs and parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend came to me with the saddest mid-divorce reveal I’ve ever heard. When her only child was born, her DH only had 2 weeks of paternity leave. He didn’t take all of it and went back 2 days early. It was really hard on her and sometimes we still look back on those days pretty ruefully. The worst part was he worked for a Fortune 500 company that changed paternity-specific leave to parental leave that year and gave everyone with a new child 12 weeks, paid. He ended up covering leave for half his team while they still had their own tiny baby at home.

As part of some kind of mediation session during divorce, she found out that he actually had 6 weeks leave and just never took it. Which explained why when she asked him to petition to HR to be grandfathered in or get some kind of additional leave when they changed the policy, he said it was impossible.

I’ve never heard anything quite so specific and awful that wasn’t an affair. She’s asking me if she’s crazy. Am I ok in validating that this was a supremely messed up act of deception? Why would a father do that?

That’s not even close to the “saddest mid divorce reveal.”

Get a grip OP.

Not even sure how you trolled this lame of a non point up.

It’s sad because it shows he had no interest in his infant and was willing to lie to be able to not be a parent (and support his wife when she was in a really vulnerable period of his life). If you have never experienced this, count yourself lucky. My ex all but abandoned us when our child was a newborn - 3 years old. One year did not even show up for his birthday. It was extremely hard on me and so upsetting I had a hard time even telling other people about it. I bet this is part of the overall dynamic with OP’s friend.

And before you ask - no, my ex did not have to work those hours, he chose to. And I went back to work after 3 months and out earned him most of that time - even making considerable jumps in salary while balancing being a mom.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure why this person is getting a pass. It's scummy. Lying. And most of all, so incredibly disappointing and representative of his views on his wife and his child. He's a loser.

[Anonymous]

Yes, this is a pretty big betrayal.

Sounds like the divorce was a long time coming and more than justified.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not everyone has coverage for their work. Leaving for more than a couple of weeks isn’t always realistic.

I think this attitude is a load of crock. If the company offers paternity leave as a benefit, it’s available to everyone there, from the CEO all the way down to the entry level folks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not everyone has coverage for their work. Leaving for more than a couple of weeks isn’t always realistic.

I think this attitude is a load of crock. If the company offers paternity leave as a benefit, it’s available to everyone there, from the CEO all the way down to the entry level folks.

Somehow it is realistic for women …

[Anonymous]

That’s really sad.

[Anonymous]

I mean….yes. It’s bad. And it sounds like one of the many reasons the marriage ended.

But what’s your end game or question? Are you just trying to support your friend (yes do this) or add this as a strategic bullet point in her custody case (in which case that’s her attorney’s job)?

The marriage is over. Validating that her ex sucks doesn’t seem like something that needs to be crowd sourced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you people are so pampered. I am older than you, had 2 children 17 months apart and my DH had no paternity leave. He took a week of vacation. If your friend’s experience was the saddest thing you ever heard, you have lived a charmed life.

You're ignoring that he lied. If your husband had lied to you and left you alone with the kids for no reason, how would you feel?

Who cares. She is already divorcing that useless idiot. What difference does it make? She should focus on the future, not the past.

[Anonymous]

If you think that's bad, you must have lived a very sheltered life, my dear.