My daughter is really disappointed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my daughter’s favorite schools were Yale and Stanford, though even those weren’t perfect in her eyes. She really didn’t like Cornell, Northwestern, Dartmouth, or Vanderbilt for a bunch of different reasons. She did like UVA and Duke (kind of), but didn’t get into those either.

What’s been hardest is getting waitlisted at Harvard, Yale, and UPenn—it hurts a lot because it feels like she *could* have gotten in, just got unlucky. So now she’s taking it as that she’s a stupid failure, even though that’s not really fair. -OP

Clearly, she was qualified for ALL the schools she applied to. Yes, she "could" have gotten in to any of them!

But she's interpreting her results wrong.

The fact that she wa waitlisted at those schools means that she was in the Top 10% of applicants. That's wonderful and an achievement in itself.

But to be clear, she wasn't "unlucky". Those schools waitlisted her because - for whatever reason - they were looking for something slightly different than her this year.

True, this is not something she could know in advance or control. But it's not in any way about "luck". It's about whether or not she was enough of a match to be top 4% (or whatever their acceptance rate was) at a particular school.

The T20 schools are not all the same. They're reviewing the same pool of applicants. But they're each looking for something slightly different on the margins any given year.

Here's the hard truth to share with her:

(1) SHE got to control the first half of the process - which schools to apply to, her own qualifications (GPA, test scores, ECs) and how she handled her applications, including all the supplements she wrote. And she did a truly GREAT job given the overall results!

(2) The SCHOOLS then control the second half of the process - which applicants to choose and why. Period.

The powerlessness that comes with that second part can be very hard for high-achieving kids to accept. But it's true.

Not being chosen by a particular school is a disappointment. But it's not a failure.

This is just a mismatch in how they view each other. She ranked them in her top 5% of schools (top choices) but they ranked her in their top 10% (WL). The same is true in the opposite direction. She will turn down all but one of those schools that chose her (admitted her). She liked them enough to apply to them. But not enough to choose them. It was close, but ultimately a mismatch.

Of course, she's disappointed. She can feel awful AND at the same time move forward by choosing 2-3 schools to consider more carefully and choose between.

She controls the criteria she uses. Whatever she wants! Go strictly by USNWR rankings? Ok. Choose among the Ivy League options? Ok. Financial considerations, if any? Ok. Distance from home? Ok.

You both know these are all excellent choices. She needs to move forward with a few - and then one - while also feeling and processing her (understandable) disappointment.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP: Are YOU disappointed too, or just your daughter? I’m asking because you seem to normalize her drama. Has nobody learned from those tragedies following Ivy Days in the past?

[Anonymous]

The last few pages of this thread are a bunch of insufferable F*cktards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know if this is really a troll. DD goes to school with many 2nd generation kids who have been told since birth that they have to go ivy. These kids work so hard, are competitive in ways that can alienate potential friends, have high gpas, and are crushed bc they got into CMU or Rice or JHU and not the ivy their parents wanted. The parents can make it really difficult.

I agree. If this is true for OP, she should have her kid choose among the Ivy League schools that accepted her. Makes it easy, actually.

[Anonymous]

If I hadn't have realized I was on the wrong career path in my early 20s and lost a job I hated and decided to apply to grad school almost as as a Hail Mary and then accepted the offer I did -- and my spouse hadn't accepted the offer to the same school amid many choices as a very sought-after candidate by top schools -- I wouldn't have met him more than 30 years ago and married him. That one decision born from loss, rejection, sadness, fear, and disappointment (losing that job in my early 20s, knowing I was in the wrong field of work, and looking at my available options) totally changed the trajectory of my life. Both our lives. He could have gone to an Ivy but came to the state flagship instead because of the amazing, top-rated program in his field. We have lived in a handful of great places, traveled internationally a number of times. I would never have experienced ANY of this otherwise, I would have stayed the path where I was originally from and hated my life. I've had a very rich and full life, interesting work, and we have happy adult kids. Looking back at almost 60, I am SO happy my early career basically rejected me and told me to get lost! That's how I found myself, my purpose. My life would have been completely different had I had everything going for me, work wise, in my 20s. It didn't make sense at the time, but now it does. Life is a series of nudges until you're on your way. Where one door closes a window opens, and all that. It's true!

[Anonymous]

She seems well prepared to inevitably graduate, maybe got a job in whatever field she chooses and then be constantly passed over for promotions and benefits to folks that went to Penn State, Lehigh and Miami of Ohio.

No one is going to give a sh*t where she went to college within about a year of graduation. But, it seems that she (and the OP) has the mental toughness of a weak child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know if this is really a troll. DD goes to school with many 2nd generation kids who have been told since birth that they have to go ivy. These kids work so hard, are competitive in ways that can alienate potential friends, have high gpas, and are crushed bc they got into CMU or Rice or JHU and not the ivy their parents wanted. The parents can make it really difficult.

I agree. If this is true for OP, she should have her kid choose among the Ivy League schools that accepted her. Makes it easy, actually.

Or figure out what was missing in her application, take a gap year to address that, and then re-apply next year.

[Anonymous]

People have to realize these 5% or similar admission rates are real. If you’re a top applicant you’re still not a high percentage shooter. Kids who do everything right still get nothing guaranteed, and a hardworking kid is still only getting a chance at a reward. It’s tough.

[Anonymous]

OP, so were her top schools reaches or targets?

[Anonymous]

OP, I would not pay $400,000 for my kid to attend a school they weren't excited about. If she's going to be unhappy regardless, tell her to go to the least expensive school that admitted her, or attend community college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So my daughter’s favorite schools were Yale and Stanford, though even those weren’t perfect in her eyes. She really didn’t like Cornell, Northwestern, Dartmouth, or Vanderbilt for a bunch of different reasons. She did like UVA and Duke (kind of), but didn’t get into those either.

What’s been hardest is getting waitlisted at Harvard, Yale, and UPenn—it hurts a lot because it feels like she *could* have gotten in, just got unlucky. So now she’s taking it as that she’s a stupid failure, even though that’s not really fair. -OP

Why did she apply to schools she really didn’t like? Especially reach schools she really didn’t like?

She applied to 34 schools. All of the top30 plus a few safeties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know if this is really a troll. DD goes to school with many 2nd generation kids who have been told since birth that they have to go ivy. These kids work so hard, are competitive in ways that can alienate potential friends, have high gpas, and are crushed bc they got into CMU or Rice or JHU and not the ivy their parents wanted. The parents can make it really difficult.

I agree. If this is true for OP, she should have her kid choose among the Ivy League schools that accepted her. Makes it easy, actually.

Or figure out what was missing in her application, take a gap year to address that, and then re-apply next year.

She got into Dartmouth, Brown, I can’t even remember the rest, and you suggest declining that, a gap year, and trying again??? She’s not going to get into Penn or Yale next year either, and then what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my daughter’s favorite schools were Yale and Stanford, though even those weren’t perfect in her eyes. She really didn’t like Cornell, Northwestern, Dartmouth, or Vanderbilt for a bunch of different reasons. She did like UVA and Duke (kind of), but didn’t get into those either.

What’s been hardest is getting waitlisted at Harvard, Yale, and UPenn—it hurts a lot because it feels like she *could* have gotten in, just got unlucky. So now she’s taking it as that she’s a stupid failure, even though that’s not really fair. -OP

My high achiever was waitlist at six schools. Only one rejection but six waitlists! It’s not uncommon for hugh achievers and highly rejective schools. He went to a school that admitted him and has loved it and done very well with a great plan after graduation this spring.

The number of schools your child applied to even when she didn’t like them is a red flag. Instead of being happy about so many acceptances she finds fault with everything points to a big issue. Your child seems to have a lot of emotional and mental issues that will persist way past the beginning of college. Plan accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know if this is really a troll. DD goes to school with many 2nd generation kids who have been told since birth that they have to go ivy. These kids work so hard, are competitive in ways that can alienate potential friends, have high gpas, and are crushed bc they got into CMU or Rice or JHU and not the ivy their parents wanted. The parents can make it really difficult.

I agree. If this is true for OP, she should have her kid choose among the Ivy League schools that accepted her. Makes it easy, actually.

Or figure out what was missing in her application, take a gap year to address that, and then re-apply next year.

She got into Dartmouth, Brown, I can’t even remember the rest, and you suggest declining that, a gap year, and trying again??? She’s not going to get into Penn or Yale next year either, and then what?

Yep, I think if OP's daughter would b unhappy at Brown or Dartmouth, she shouldn't go. Take a year, go to a boarding school finishing school, learn another language or instrument, and then shoot your shot for the school you deem worthy of you. Don't pay 1/2 a mil for a school you feel you're settling for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know if this is really a troll. DD goes to school with many 2nd generation kids who have been told since birth that they have to go ivy. These kids work so hard, are competitive in ways that can alienate potential friends, have high gpas, and are crushed bc they got into CMU or Rice or JHU and not the ivy their parents wanted. The parents can make it really difficult.

I agree. If this is true for OP, she should have her kid choose among the Ivy League schools that accepted her. Makes it easy, actually.

Or figure out what was missing in her application, take a gap year to address that, and then re-apply next year.

Oh dear lord, no.

Based on what OP has shared about their DD, that seems like a mental health disaster waiting to happen.

Pick a school and bloom where you're planted.