My daughter is really disappointed

[Anonymous]

So my daughter’s favorite schools were Yale and Stanford, though even those weren’t perfect in her eyes. She really didn’t like Cornell, Northwestern, Dartmouth, or Vanderbilt for a bunch of different reasons. She did like UVA and Duke (kind of), but didn’t get into those either.

What’s been hardest is getting waitlisted at Harvard, Yale, and UPenn—it hurts a lot because it feels like she *could* have gotten in, just got unlucky. So now she’s taking it as that she’s a stupid failure, even though that’s not really fair. -OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
When you apply to top schools as a top student:

EXPECT REJECTION.

This is the category of applicants most likely to get a rejection even when they check all the boxes. Not because they're unqualified. Because there aren't enough seats.

OP, this was on YOU to reiterate to your child that applying to such schools was probably going to lead to nothing. Statistically, this is what happens. So your child had the statistically realistic outcome. None of this should come as a surprise. Again, not because she's a bad candidate. Just because there is extremely little chance of being accepted at any of these schools.

Parents really need to understand this!

You're a jerk.

Understanding the low odds and expecting the worst outcome does not actually innoculate everyone from disappointment.

Here's an example:

What are the odds of winning an olympic medal?? Very low!! But if you're in the top 10% of contenders for medalling in your sport and you fall short, what happens?

Both things - logically, you know that the odds of you winning were very, very low. Even though you're an absolute superstar in your sport. So you can console yourself with those facts - you knew going in that you were not likely to medal. The numbers were never in your favor.

AND even so, you are likely to feel crushing disappointment. In part because of how much you invested in the process and how much you genuinely wanted to reach your goal. And in part because you're so very exhausted by the process that got you there in the first place. There's a huge release of emotions - relief that the process is over, but also HUGE disappointment and sadness and maybe even some dark feelings of regret about having invested so much hard work only to fall short.

Those are big, powerful, and REAL feelings - EVEN THOUGH YOU KNEW ALL ALONG HOW SMALL THE ODDS ACTUALLY WERE.

Statistics are real. And logic is very helpful in interpreting situations.

But feelings are feelings. They'e real, too. And we all have them - whether or not they seem logical or "preventable," and whether or not we're aware of them at the time.

Cheers to you if you think that assuming the worst outcome will innoculate you from disappointment in life. If that works for you, great!!

Personally, that does not work for me at all. In order to marshall all my inner resources (drive, ambition, advocacy), I often need to focus on the BEST outcome - to motivate myself to invest everything I possibly can to achieve an ambitious and low-odds goal. Sometimes it works, and I'm exhausted but overjoyed. Other times it does not, and I'm exhausted and disappointed.

Either way, I feel my feelings and keep on living my life. I know OP's DD will do the same. But yes, the disappointment is real. Hugs to you, OP.

PP you replied to. Again. One of my children has a chronic disease that causes her pain and suffering. We have felt far more sadness, anxiety and depression over her health than the college disappointment my other child experienced - because he knows what's important in life, and it's not about which college admits you. He worked really hard and was rejected from his reaches. He got over it rapidly: the degree of effort you put in does not entitle you to a college.

Perspective is what you need. Unfortunately most humans need to experience pain before they develop perspective.

I'm so sorry about your child's chronic disease and the pain and suffering that ALL of you are experienced. No doubt your child - and your family - has a very different perspective on this topic than the rest of us.

AND your pain and suffering does not negate other people's pain and suffering.

I understand that you think OP's problem is minimal - even a joke - compared to your family's problems. Given how you feel, my advice would be to opt out of responding further to this posts or to posts like this.

As you said, perspective comes from first-hand experience. Sharing your contempt does not help anyone else develop perspective. It just causes them further pain.

Hugs and blessings to you and your family. I know you're suffering. I wish you all the best.

DP

But the OP is so contemptible.

[Anonymous]

I have no patience for Op's nonsense

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my daughter’s favorite schools were Yale and Stanford, though even those weren’t perfect in her eyes. She really didn’t like Cornell, Northwestern, Dartmouth, or Vanderbilt for a bunch of different reasons. She did like UVA and Duke (kind of), but didn’t get into those either.

What’s been hardest is getting waitlisted at Harvard, Yale, and UPenn—it hurts a lot because it feels like she *could* have gotten in, just got unlucky. So now she’s taking it as that she’s a stupid failure, even though that’s not really fair. -OP

I think she should take a gap year and apply to HYP next year. Don't attend a lesser Ivy if you think you deserve better.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know if this is really a troll. DD goes to school with many 2nd generation kids who have been told since birth that they have to go ivy. These kids work so hard, are competitive in ways that can alienate potential friends, have high gpas, and are crushed bc they got into CMU or Rice or JHU and not the ivy their parents wanted. The parents can make it really difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter’s really feeling down right now. She’s been waitlisted or rejected her top-choice schools, and it hurts. She feels angry and like a failure who worked so hard for nothing and is worried her future won’t look the same. She’s been sad, worried, and crying a lot. We’re not sure how to help her through this or what to do next.

Which schools was she waitlisted from? Some of them move. Work with your school-based counselor to develop a strategy for the best opportunity and let that school know in no uncertain terms that you will enroll if offered a spot. Hang in there!

She doesn’t feel very hopeful. She was waitlisted at JHU, Duke, UVA, Harvard, Yale, and UPenn.

Wow, being WL at any one of these schools is a sign that your DD was extremely competitive among the applicant pool. What is at the top of the ones where she was accepted?

Cornell
Northwestern
Dartmouth
Umich
Brown
Vanderbilt & more

Ok. Thanks for telling us you are a troll.

I’m not a troll. I posted yesterday about Vanderbilt. My daughter is so upset, and is having a hard time. She feels very dissatisfied.

Where does she actually want to go? Harvard and Yale are crapshoots no matter how amazing you are. I don’t see any of her WL schools as being that much of an improvement over the schools she actually got into.

I think people see the handful of kids that sweep the ivies and think their kids can too because they are the brightest shining stars they know.

80%+ of those kids that sweep the ivies were URM pre SFFA. It is extremely rare these days.

[Anonymous]

Can you share a story from your own background about something you didn't get and how you dealt with it as her parent? How it all worked out in the end? How life is a series of forks in the road and sometimes you're put on a different road and you might not understand it at the time but it will all make sense later, looking back? You'll think: I'm glad it turned out this way. Sometimes in the midst of disappointment we can't see how rejection can be protection, or steer us toward our real purpose. It's only later in life we look back and see how one little turn in the road changed our path -- for the better. We wouldn't be who we are now if not for that loss, and we thank God for it, because it brought us so much good later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my daughter’s favorite schools were Yale and Stanford, though even those weren’t perfect in her eyes. She really didn’t like Cornell, Northwestern, Dartmouth, or Vanderbilt for a bunch of different reasons. She did like UVA and Duke (kind of), but didn’t get into those either.

What’s been hardest is getting waitlisted at Harvard, Yale, and UPenn—it hurts a lot because it feels like she *could* have gotten in, just got unlucky. So now she’s taking it as that she’s a stupid failure, even though that’s not really fair. -OP

Well, there’s a failure in there somewhere if this is her attitude. My goodness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my daughter’s favorite schools were Yale and Stanford, though even those weren’t perfect in her eyes. She really didn’t like Cornell, Northwestern, Dartmouth, or Vanderbilt for a bunch of different reasons. She did like UVA and Duke (kind of), but didn’t get into those either.

What’s been hardest is getting waitlisted at Harvard, Yale, and UPenn—it hurts a lot because it feels like she *could* have gotten in, just got unlucky. So now she’s taking it as that she’s a stupid failure, even though that’s not really fair. -OP

Why did she apply to schools she really didn’t like? Especially reach schools she really didn’t like?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter’s really feeling down right now. She’s been waitlisted or rejected her top-choice schools, and it hurts. She feels angry and like a failure who worked so hard for nothing and is worried her future won’t look the same. She’s been sad, worried, and crying a lot. We’re not sure how to help her through this or what to do next.

Which schools was she waitlisted from? Some of them move. Work with your school-based counselor to develop a strategy for the best opportunity and let that school know in no uncertain terms that you will enroll if offered a spot. Hang in there!

She doesn’t feel very hopeful. She was waitlisted at JHU, Duke, UVA, Harvard, Yale, and UPenn.

Wow, being WL at any one of these schools is a sign that your DD was extremely competitive among the applicant pool. What is at the top of the ones where she was accepted?

Cornell
Northwestern
Dartmouth
Umich
Brown
Vanderbilt & more

Ok. Thanks for telling us you are a troll.

I’m not a troll. I posted yesterday about Vanderbilt. My daughter is so upset, and is having a hard time. She feels very dissatisfied.

Your daughter is going to need better coping mechanisms in life. Almost all extremely high end careers involve a significant amount of disappointment and the ability to recover quickly and professionally.

[Anonymous]

It's an ego blow. She will be fine and do amazing wherever she goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know if this is really a troll. DD goes to school with many 2nd generation kids who have been told since birth that they have to go ivy. These kids work so hard, are competitive in ways that can alienate potential friends, have high gpas, and are crushed bc they got into CMU or Rice or JHU and not the ivy their parents wanted. The parents can make it really difficult.

I think you mean 1st gen kids. 2nd gen usually have more realistic views on things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my daughter’s favorite schools were Yale and Stanford, though even those weren’t perfect in her eyes. She really didn’t like Cornell, Northwestern, Dartmouth, or Vanderbilt for a bunch of different reasons. She did like UVA and Duke (kind of), but didn’t get into those either.

What’s been hardest is getting waitlisted at Harvard, Yale, and UPenn—it hurts a lot because it feels like she *could* have gotten in, just got unlucky. So now she’s taking it as that she’s a stupid failure, even though that’s not really fair. -OP

What’s wrong with Brown? That’s a dream school for many kids.

What are her career goals?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my daughter’s favorite schools were Yale and Stanford, though even those weren’t perfect in her eyes. She really didn’t like Cornell, Northwestern, Dartmouth, or Vanderbilt for a bunch of different reasons. She did like UVA and Duke (kind of), but didn’t get into those either.

What’s been hardest is getting waitlisted at Harvard, Yale, and UPenn—it hurts a lot because it feels like she *could* have gotten in, just got unlucky. So now she’s taking it as that she’s a stupid failure, even though that’s not really fair. -OP

Is this satire? If so, masterfully done.

[Anonymous]

None of this will matter a year from now. It will all seem so silly to you and your daughter.