Why do so many people think it's okay to flake last minute?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This is why I say no to most invitations- I know I won’t want to go once it’s actually time to go. But DCUMs complain about that too - “she never accepts my invitations to go out.” You can’t win.

Who complains about someone constantly turning them down? Most people stop inviting after 1 or 2 unaccepted invitations. The vast majority can read the writing on the wall.

Yeah, I don't complain about that, I just stop inviting you, because I can take the hint that someone doesn't want to be friends.

Maybe. Or maybe they do want to be friends, but their other issues (e.g. social anxiety) take over.

Maybe. But then it's on them to demonstrate interest in some way. I'm not going to keep asking someone who always says no. Why would I?

Because you care about them? When my friend was going through an awful divorce she often wouldn’t attend things for various reasons but she said it meant so much that everyone continued to invite her. Just feeling like she hadn’t lost that group of friends while she was losing her husband (he cheated and surprised her with a divorce) really helped.

I’ve blacklisted a couple after six years of continued rudeness in bailing on events. The final straw was a catered sit-down dinner (I had previously only invited them to larger group things so their last-minute absence wasn’t a big thing). They’re no longer on my invite list even for larger events now. I have a lot of sympathy for people going through things but also sometimes people are just rude and once I figure out you are, I’m over it.

The vast majority of people aren't going through tough times. They admit it themselves they just "don't feel like it" the day of. We can all tell the difference between a real excuse and a fake one and a lot of people are offering up fake excuses to get out of a commitment.

How old are you?

Of my closest 10 friends right now we have:
- recent death of mother
- recurrence of breast cancer requiring surgery and radiation
- recurrence of colon cancer requiring surgery and chemo
- divorce
- dying parent
- moving
- depression/anxiety ramping up due to work stress

So yeah, most of my friends right now are going through something. But again, if you want to be mad at people instead of being sympathetic or understanding, go ahead.

Been through several of those things. I just rsvp no.

But then according to posters here, do that twice and youre off the list forever.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This is why I say no to most invitations- I know I won’t want to go once it’s actually time to go. But DCUMs complain about that too - “she never accepts my invitations to go out.” You can’t win.

Who complains about someone constantly turning them down? Most people stop inviting after 1 or 2 unaccepted invitations. The vast majority can read the writing on the wall.

Yeah, I don't complain about that, I just stop inviting you, because I can take the hint that someone doesn't want to be friends.

Maybe. Or maybe they do want to be friends, but their other issues (e.g. social anxiety) take over.

Maybe. But then it's on them to demonstrate interest in some way. I'm not going to keep asking someone who always says no. Why would I?

Because you care about them? When my friend was going through an awful divorce she often wouldn’t attend things for various reasons but she said it meant so much that everyone continued to invite her. Just feeling like she hadn’t lost that group of friends while she was losing her husband (he cheated and surprised her with a divorce) really helped.

I’ve blacklisted a couple after six years of continued rudeness in bailing on events. The final straw was a catered sit-down dinner (I had previously only invited them to larger group things so their last-minute absence wasn’t a big thing). They’re no longer on my invite list even for larger events now. I have a lot of sympathy for people going through things but also sometimes people are just rude and once I figure out you are, I’m over it.

The vast majority of people aren't going through tough times. They admit it themselves they just "don't feel like it" the day of. We can all tell the difference between a real excuse and a fake one and a lot of people are offering up fake excuses to get out of a commitment.

How old are you?

Of my closest 10 friends right now we have:
- recent death of mother
- recurrence of breast cancer requiring surgery and radiation
- recurrence of colon cancer requiring surgery and chemo
- divorce
- dying parent
- moving
- depression/anxiety ramping up due to work stress

So yeah, most of my friends right now are going through something. But again, if you want to be mad at people instead of being sympathetic or understanding, go ahead.

Been through several of those things. I just rsvp no.

But then according to posters here, do that twice and youre off the list forever.

People are being willfully stupid. If you're a good friend and know you're going through cancer treatments or whatnot, you're not "off the list forever" if you decline. Because when things pick up for you, if we are actually friends, you will reach out and let me know and maybe invite me to do something. Actual, real friendship has that kind of give and take.

But if I invite you a couple times and you always decline and you never try to initiate anything, I'm going to figure out that you aren't interested in being friends and stop asking you. You can't just say no, or flake all the time, and expect people to keep inviting you. At some point, it's on you to reach out and initiate something, or people are going to stop inviting you. You think the hosts should be sympathetic and understanding, but it goes both ways. If it's just you deciding whether you can be bothered to spend time with someone, you're not friends.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I say no to most invitations- I know I won’t want to go once it’s actually time to go. But DCUMs complain about that too - “she never accepts my invitations to go out.” You can’t win.

Who complains about someone constantly turning them down? Most people stop inviting after 1 or 2 unaccepted invitations. The vast majority can read the writing on the wall.

Yeah, I don't complain about that, I just stop inviting you, because I can take the hint that someone doesn't want to be friends.

Maybe. Or maybe they do want to be friends, but their other issues (e.g. social anxiety) take over.

Maybe. But then it's on them to demonstrate interest in some way. I'm not going to keep asking someone who always says no. Why would I?

Because you care about them? When my friend was going through an awful divorce she often wouldn’t attend things for various reasons but she said it meant so much that everyone continued to invite her. Just feeling like she hadn’t lost that group of friends while she was losing her husband (he cheated and surprised her with a divorce) really helped.

I’ve blacklisted a couple after six years of continued rudeness in bailing on events. The final straw was a catered sit-down dinner (I had previously only invited them to larger group things so their last-minute absence wasn’t a big thing). They’re no longer on my invite list even for larger events now. I have a lot of sympathy for people going through things but also sometimes people are just rude and once I figure out you are, I’m over it.

The vast majority of people aren't going through tough times. They admit it themselves they just "don't feel like it" the day of. We can all tell the difference between a real excuse and a fake one and a lot of people are offering up fake excuses to get out of a commitment.

How old are you?

Of my closest 10 friends right now we have:
- recent death of mother
- recurrence of breast cancer requiring surgery and radiation
- recurrence of colon cancer requiring surgery and chemo
- divorce
- dying parent
- moving
- depression/anxiety ramping up due to work stress

So yeah, most of my friends right now are going through something. But again, if you want to be mad at people instead of being sympathetic or understanding, go ahead.

Been through several of those things. I just rsvp no.

But then according to posters here, do that twice and youre off the list forever.

Keep up. My friends knew what I was going through. It wasn't just social anxiety acting up making me watch Netflix instead.

[Anonymous]

Find your people, love them hard.
Some of these folks AINT YOUR PEOPLE and that's ok. Invite them, let it go if it doesn't work out. It's not that deep.

[Anonymous]

That's upsetting about the party! I honestly think that people say yes to everything sort of automatically, and then realize their calendar gets swamped, and they just don't have the bandwidth once certain things pop up for them to do that day. Like I could see myself RSVPing to a get together 3 weeks from now, and then as the date gets closer, that week has also added on an emergency dental appt for one of the kids, a new work deadline, a two make up baseball games for rain outs the week before, and my teenager breaking up with her boyfriend and needing me to be a listening ear all evening. Suddenly the happy hour I'd been looking forward to seems more like an obligation I want to get out of. It happens, because we are all stretched so thin in this ridiculous society of travel sports and 2 weeks PTO and keeping up with the joneses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's upsetting about the party! I honestly think that people say yes to everything sort of automatically, and then realize their calendar gets swamped, and they just don't have the bandwidth once certain things pop up for them to do that day. Like I could see myself RSVPing to a get together 3 weeks from now, and then as the date gets closer, that week has also added on an emergency dental appt for one of the kids, a new work deadline, a two make up baseball games for rain outs the week before, and my teenager breaking up with her boyfriend and needing me to be a listening ear all evening. Suddenly the happy hour I'd been looking forward to seems more like an obligation I want to get out of. It happens, because we are all stretched so thin in this ridiculous society of travel sports and 2 weeks PTO and keeping up with the joneses.

🙄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people have more things going on in their lives than you realize/know. Issues with spouse, health / career / financial issues that you may be unaware of, etc.

This is very true.

But also people nowadays are more inclined to flake just because they'd rather stay home and watch Netflix in their sweatpants. There's a guise of doing it to take care of their mental health but sometimes it's just selfish and inconsiderate. And ultimately defeats the purpose since a big part of mental health is positive interactions with other humans.

True, but no one ever has time to relax anymore. It's go go go go go. Working "just" 9-5 isn't enough. Having your kids play "just" rec sports isn't enough. Having "just" one vacation a year isn't enough. Blame society making us think that it's normal to feel the need to crash out in sweats and watch TV in the evening isntead of enjoy time with a friend, because we've been going 110mph since our alarm went off at 630am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's upsetting about the party! I honestly think that people say yes to everything sort of automatically, and then realize their calendar gets swamped, and they just don't have the bandwidth once certain things pop up for them to do that day. Like I could see myself RSVPing to a get together 3 weeks from now, and then as the date gets closer, that week has also added on an emergency dental appt for one of the kids, a new work deadline, a two make up baseball games for rain outs the week before, and my teenager breaking up with her boyfriend and needing me to be a listening ear all evening. Suddenly the happy hour I'd been looking forward to seems more like an obligation I want to get out of. It happens, because we are all stretched so thin in this ridiculous society of travel sports and 2 weeks PTO and keeping up with the joneses.

🙄

which part are you rolling your eyes at? people being busier than they realize? are you new here?

[Anonymous]

I agree with you OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people have more things going on in their lives than you realize/know. Issues with spouse, health / career / financial issues that you may be unaware of, etc.

This is me. I am barely hanging on. There are times when I can’t make commitments and rather than killing myself just to not appear rude, I cancel. I’ve come to accept this is my life. It is what it is.

No one knows about what's going on in my life.

Give people a break op. You have no idea what people are surviving right now.

And what do you think people "are surviving" right now that is unique?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's upsetting about the party! I honestly think that people say yes to everything sort of automatically, and then realize their calendar gets swamped, and they just don't have the bandwidth once certain things pop up for them to do that day. Like I could see myself RSVPing to a get together 3 weeks from now, and then as the date gets closer, that week has also added on an emergency dental appt for one of the kids, a new work deadline, a two make up baseball games for rain outs the week before, and my teenager breaking up with her boyfriend and needing me to be a listening ear all evening. Suddenly the happy hour I'd been looking forward to seems more like an obligation I want to get out of. It happens, because we are all stretched so thin in this ridiculous society of travel sports and 2 weeks PTO and keeping up with the joneses.

Then it sounds like you should RSVP no to things.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Once people show they are a flake, believe them. I don’t have time for that.

+1
Someone flakes more than once, I never invite them to do anything where it matters if they show up. A big party or a hang out somewhere I'm happy to be anyway? Sure (assuming I enjoy their company). A dinner party or anything that requires ticketing? Nope.

They ain't flaking on the Obamas, if you catch my drift. They are literally telling at you they don't value you and frankly don't give a s*** about you. Actions speak far louder than phony texts and chit-chat when you see them.

+1. You don't matter to them, CLEARLY. I don't know why people continue to bend over backwards for "friends" who make it CLEAR you are a nobody to them. Spare me the anxiety crap, you're a grown man or woman. And as PP said, if this was an invite by someone extremely influential and high status, they'd NEVER in a million years flake. But you all keep befriending "friends" who do this over and over and over? Cut them out of your life and focus on people who actually value you.

Yep. I tried to have a mom get together and ONE person showed up. The others all said they would come and bailed an hour before they were supposed to come for various lame reasons.
High status mom at the school threw one the same month and you’ll be shocked to hear that every single mom in the grade was there. No one got “sick” or “wasn’t feeling it!” It was a miracle.

+1. I've seen this as well. It's honestly pathetic that people keep trying to befriend and socialize with people who treat them like a doormat. Have some dignity and self-respect. I assume the people who keep flaking on you are in a mean mom group chat mocking your repeated attempts to orbit them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's upsetting about the party! I honestly think that people say yes to everything sort of automatically, and then realize their calendar gets swamped, and they just don't have the bandwidth once certain things pop up for them to do that day. Like I could see myself RSVPing to a get together 3 weeks from now, and then as the date gets closer, that week has also added on an emergency dental appt for one of the kids, a new work deadline, a two make up baseball games for rain outs the week before, and my teenager breaking up with her boyfriend and needing me to be a listening ear all evening. Suddenly the happy hour I'd been looking forward to seems more like an obligation I want to get out of. It happens, because we are all stretched so thin in this ridiculous society of travel sports and 2 weeks PTO and keeping up with the joneses.

Then it sounds like you should RSVP no to things.

DP. You have reading comprehension problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've noticed this more and more lately. I had a party earlier this year, and of the 30 people who said they could attend, 10 cancelled within the 24 hours leading up to the party. I had so much extra food and frankly it was a bit hurtful 'friends' couldn't bother to show up, as the reasons for cancellation were largely BS. Yesterday, I went to a dinner and was annoyed that 2 of the 3 people I knew attending the event cancelled last minute. When I did show up, the host told me that a third of the attendees had also backed out.

Can we start calling this out as the rude behavior that it is? I've stopped making an effort with many of the people who do this regularly. People talk about how difficult it is to make friends in this area but pull this type of thing.

How old are you and the other attendees?

TBH I think there’s a season of life for dinner parties, and in the thick of careers, kids, and against parents isn’t it. Things happen with work and kids, and a party that requires dressing up, hiring sitters, coordination with others, showing up at a specific time and staying for several hours, just isn’t feasible for many people. I loved dinner parties in my 20s, and I expect I’ll love them again in my 50s/60s, but right now they’re more of a source of stress than fun.

You’d probably have better luck with more chill hangouts. I like getting together for coffee, either at a shop or at someone’s house - low pressure, I can bring the kids, I don’t have to dress up, I can leave after an hour. And if someone cancels, it’s not that big of a deal.

Also, where I live, parties are more low key. Kids are always invited and they usually set up activities for the kids to do. Food is mostly snacky/appetizer type food, nothing too intense. Tons of people are invited and everyone can come and go as they please, bring guests, etc. TV is on for people who don’t want to socialize as much. This is pretty much the perfect setup for me to attend a party - I don’t need a sitter, don’t need to change clothes, don’t need to be on time, my kids and I get fed, low pressure to socialize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've noticed this more and more lately. I had a party earlier this year, and of the 30 people who said they could attend, 10 cancelled within the 24 hours leading up to the party. I had so much extra food and frankly it was a bit hurtful 'friends' couldn't bother to show up, as the reasons for cancellation were largely BS. Yesterday, I went to a dinner and was annoyed that 2 of the 3 people I knew attending the event cancelled last minute. When I did show up, the host told me that a third of the attendees had also backed out.

Can we start calling this out as the rude behavior that it is? I've stopped making an effort with many of the people who do this regularly. People talk about how difficult it is to make friends in this area but pull this type of thing.

How old are you and the other attendees?

TBH I think there’s a season of life for dinner parties, and in the thick of careers, kids, and against parents isn’t it. Things happen with work and kids, and a party that requires dressing up, hiring sitters, coordination with others, showing up at a specific time and staying for several hours, just isn’t feasible for many people. I loved dinner parties in my 20s, and I expect I’ll love them again in my 50s/60s, but right now they’re more of a source of stress than fun.

You’d probably have better luck with more chill hangouts. I like getting together for coffee, either at a shop or at someone’s house - low pressure, I can bring the kids, I don’t have to dress up, I can leave after an hour. And if someone cancels, it’s not that big of a deal.

Also, where I live, parties are more low key. Kids are always invited and they usually set up activities for the kids to do. Food is mostly snacky/appetizer type food, nothing too intense. Tons of people are invited and everyone can come and go as they please, bring guests, etc. TV is on for people who don’t want to socialize as much. This is pretty much the perfect setup for me to attend a party - I don’t need a sitter, don’t need to change clothes, don’t need to be on time, my kids and I get fed, low pressure to socialize.

Should say in the thick of careers, kids, and AGING parents. DYAC.