Why do so many people think it's okay to flake last minute?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had this mom friend for a while who would do that. I'd invite her and then instead of saying no she would say yes but then show up very late (like an hour + to a sit down dinner) or cancel last minute. We interacted a lot beyond that due to kids so it felt perpetually hot and cold. At some point I had enough, but I think on some twisted level she DID want to be invited and then treat me carelessly like some sort of power play to show me where I stood.

And you affirmed her stature by repeatedly inviting her to things and remaining cordial with her. Why? Why were you so hard up to "befriend" her? Because you lack self-worth or you were trying to use her to social climb?

Can we not do this weird DCUM rhetorical move where we somehow try to flip it that the normal person behaving typically is somehow the problem?

Washington and by extension this forum is full of creepy and clingy strivers super thirsty to social climb. I guaran-freaking-tee the woman PP was serial inviting to things wasn't some pisspoor apartment dweller mom from her kid's school. What do you wanna bet it was from PP's point of view a high status mom?

I have no idea what any of you think when it comes to this stuff because I’m a normal person who just thinks hey, I should invite that family we know to the thing we’re hosting. I’m a teacher and my husband is some business guy, I have zero aspirations of making connections or attaining some kind of status when I am grilling burgers and ask do you want to join us. And when the guy above you bails last second saying “I can’t come I have diarrhea” I don’t think “I’m not in his sphere of status 😓😓” I think “Dave has diarrhea so we need 4 fewer burgers on the grill I guess.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had this mom friend for a while who would do that. I'd invite her and then instead of saying no she would say yes but then show up very late (like an hour + to a sit down dinner) or cancel last minute. We interacted a lot beyond that due to kids so it felt perpetually hot and cold. At some point I had enough, but I think on some twisted level she DID want to be invited and then treat me carelessly like some sort of power play to show me where I stood.

And you affirmed her stature by repeatedly inviting her to things and remaining cordial with her. Why? Why were you so hard up to "befriend" her? Because you lack self-worth or you were trying to use her to social climb?

Can we not do this weird DCUM rhetorical move where we somehow try to flip it that the normal person behaving typically is somehow the problem?

Thank you! I love that inviting my kids friends moms into my home automatically translates to being a “orbiter” and “FYI they’re all group chatting about how pathetic you are.” People actually think this way?

Being pushy and trying to befriend random parents when you're middle aged typically comes across as a bit off and desperate. Sorry to be the bearer of that reality. Normal, successful, socially-skilled middle aged parents have enough friends.

May we never cross paths. I bet you’re a horrible friend. Who even thinks that way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had this mom friend for a while who would do that. I'd invite her and then instead of saying no she would say yes but then show up very late (like an hour + to a sit down dinner) or cancel last minute. We interacted a lot beyond that due to kids so it felt perpetually hot and cold. At some point I had enough, but I think on some twisted level she DID want to be invited and then treat me carelessly like some sort of power play to show me where I stood.

And you affirmed her stature by repeatedly inviting her to things and remaining cordial with her. Why? Why were you so hard up to "befriend" her? Because you lack self-worth or you were trying to use her to social climb?

Can we not do this weird DCUM rhetorical move where we somehow try to flip it that the normal person behaving typically is somehow the problem?

Washington and by extension this forum is full of creepy and clingy strivers super thirsty to social climb. I guaran-freaking-tee the woman PP was serial inviting to things wasn't some pisspoor apartment dweller mom from her kid's school. What do you wanna bet it was from PP's point of view a high status mom?

I have no idea what any of you think when it comes to this stuff because I’m a normal person who just thinks hey, I should invite that family we know to the thing we’re hosting. I’m a teacher and my husband is some business guy, I have zero aspirations of making connections or attaining some kind of status when I am grilling burgers and ask do you want to join us. And when the guy above you bails last second saying “I can’t come I have diarrhea” I don’t think “I’m not in his sphere of status 😓😓” I think “Dave has diarrhea so we need 4 fewer burgers on the grill I guess.”

Same here. Although I'd also think, "wow, Dave is an oversharer."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had this mom friend for a while who would do that. I'd invite her and then instead of saying no she would say yes but then show up very late (like an hour + to a sit down dinner) or cancel last minute. We interacted a lot beyond that due to kids so it felt perpetually hot and cold. At some point I had enough, but I think on some twisted level she DID want to be invited and then treat me carelessly like some sort of power play to show me where I stood.

And you affirmed her stature by repeatedly inviting her to things and remaining cordial with her. Why? Why were you so hard up to "befriend" her? Because you lack self-worth or you were trying to use her to social climb?

Can we not do this weird DCUM rhetorical move where we somehow try to flip it that the normal person behaving typically is somehow the problem?

Washington and by extension this forum is full of creepy and clingy strivers super thirsty to social climb. I guaran-freaking-tee the woman PP was serial inviting to things wasn't some pisspoor apartment dweller mom from her kid's school. What do you wanna bet it was from PP's point of view a high status mom?

I have no idea what any of you think when it comes to this stuff because I’m a normal person who just thinks hey, I should invite that family we know to the thing we’re hosting. I’m a teacher and my husband is some business guy, I have zero aspirations of making connections or attaining some kind of status when I am grilling burgers and ask do you want to join us. And when the guy above you bails last second saying “I can’t come I have diarrhea” I don’t think “I’m not in his sphere of status 😓😓” I think “Dave has diarrhea so we need 4 fewer burgers on the grill I guess.”

I’m not thirsty for friends and social climbing… I’m totally chill. I’m normal. Like, so normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had this mom friend for a while who would do that. I'd invite her and then instead of saying no she would say yes but then show up very late (like an hour + to a sit down dinner) or cancel last minute. We interacted a lot beyond that due to kids so it felt perpetually hot and cold. At some point I had enough, but I think on some twisted level she DID want to be invited and then treat me carelessly like some sort of power play to show me where I stood.

And you affirmed her stature by repeatedly inviting her to things and remaining cordial with her. Why? Why were you so hard up to "befriend" her? Because you lack self-worth or you were trying to use her to social climb?

Can we not do this weird DCUM rhetorical move where we somehow try to flip it that the normal person behaving typically is somehow the problem?

Thank you! I love that inviting my kids friends moms into my home automatically translates to being a “orbiter” and “FYI they’re all group chatting about how pathetic you are.” People actually think this way?

Being pushy and trying to befriend random parents when you're middle aged typically comes across as a bit off and desperate. Sorry to be the bearer of that reality. Normal, successful, socially-skilled middle aged parents have enough friends.

May we never cross paths. I bet you’re a horrible friend. Who even thinks that way?

Truth hurts. This thread and the other about neighbors being disinterested in socializing are one and the same. Lonely pushy strivers who can’t take a hint and think you’re entitled to becoming friends with parents who live near you, or have kids to your kids’ school, or work with you. You’re not entitled to anyone’s time or friendship. That’s not mean. That’s life. Random small talk or brief pleasantries doesn’t mean we’re new besties or that people want you in their home or vice versa. Not needing or wanting new friends doesn’t make the person cold or rude, it means they’re normal middle aged parents who are content with their family and decades-long friend group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've noticed this more and more lately. I had a party earlier this year, and of the 30 people who said they could attend, 10 cancelled within the 24 hours leading up to the party. I had so much extra food and frankly it was a bit hurtful 'friends' couldn't bother to show up, as the reasons for cancellation were largely BS. Yesterday, I went to a dinner and was annoyed that 2 of the 3 people I knew attending the event cancelled last minute. When I did show up, the host told me that a third of the attendees had also backed out.

Can we start calling this out as the rude behavior that it is? I've stopped making an effort with many of the people who do this regularly. People talk about how difficult it is to make friends in this area but pull this type of thing.

What age group?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had this mom friend for a while who would do that. I'd invite her and then instead of saying no she would say yes but then show up very late (like an hour + to a sit down dinner) or cancel last minute. We interacted a lot beyond that due to kids so it felt perpetually hot and cold. At some point I had enough, but I think on some twisted level she DID want to be invited and then treat me carelessly like some sort of power play to show me where I stood.

And you affirmed her stature by repeatedly inviting her to things and remaining cordial with her. Why? Why were you so hard up to "befriend" her? Because you lack self-worth or you were trying to use her to social climb?

Can we not do this weird DCUM rhetorical move where we somehow try to flip it that the normal person behaving typically is somehow the problem?

Washington and by extension this forum is full of creepy and clingy strivers super thirsty to social climb. I guaran-freaking-tee the woman PP was serial inviting to things wasn't some pisspoor apartment dweller mom from her kid's school. What do you wanna bet it was from PP's point of view a high status mom?

I have no idea what any of you think when it comes to this stuff because I’m a normal person who just thinks hey, I should invite that family we know to the thing we’re hosting. I’m a teacher and my husband is some business guy, I have zero aspirations of making connections or attaining some kind of status when I am grilling burgers and ask do you want to join us. And when the guy above you bails last second saying “I can’t come I have diarrhea” I don’t think “I’m not in his sphere of status 😓😓” I think “Dave has diarrhea so we need 4 fewer burgers on the grill I guess.”

I’m not thirsty for friends and social climbing… I’m totally chill. I’m normal. Like, so normal.

Said normal one time in the whole comment btw. You guys are psychos. Look at your vocabulary … “thirsty social climbing” is how you describe just having friends and acquaintances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had this mom friend for a while who would do that. I'd invite her and then instead of saying no she would say yes but then show up very late (like an hour + to a sit down dinner) or cancel last minute. We interacted a lot beyond that due to kids so it felt perpetually hot and cold. At some point I had enough, but I think on some twisted level she DID want to be invited and then treat me carelessly like some sort of power play to show me where I stood.

And you affirmed her stature by repeatedly inviting her to things and remaining cordial with her. Why? Why were you so hard up to "befriend" her? Because you lack self-worth or you were trying to use her to social climb?

Can we not do this weird DCUM rhetorical move where we somehow try to flip it that the normal person behaving typically is somehow the problem?

Thank you! I love that inviting my kids friends moms into my home automatically translates to being a “orbiter” and “FYI they’re all group chatting about how pathetic you are.” People actually think this way?

Being pushy and trying to befriend random parents when you're middle aged typically comes across as a bit off and desperate. Sorry to be the bearer of that reality. Normal, successful, socially-skilled middle aged parents have enough friends.

Wow, so if someone moves to this area in mid-life they should just give up any hope of making friends because everyone automatically thinks they're desperate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had this mom friend for a while who would do that. I'd invite her and then instead of saying no she would say yes but then show up very late (like an hour + to a sit down dinner) or cancel last minute. We interacted a lot beyond that due to kids so it felt perpetually hot and cold. At some point I had enough, but I think on some twisted level she DID want to be invited and then treat me carelessly like some sort of power play to show me where I stood.

And you affirmed her stature by repeatedly inviting her to things and remaining cordial with her. Why? Why were you so hard up to "befriend" her? Because you lack self-worth or you were trying to use her to social climb?

Can we not do this weird DCUM rhetorical move where we somehow try to flip it that the normal person behaving typically is somehow the problem?

Washington and by extension this forum is full of creepy and clingy strivers super thirsty to social climb. I guaran-freaking-tee the woman PP was serial inviting to things wasn't some pisspoor apartment dweller mom from her kid's school. What do you wanna bet it was from PP's point of view a high status mom?

I have no idea what any of you think when it comes to this stuff because I’m a normal person who just thinks hey, I should invite that family we know to the thing we’re hosting. I’m a teacher and my husband is some business guy, I have zero aspirations of making connections or attaining some kind of status when I am grilling burgers and ask do you want to join us. And when the guy above you bails last second saying “I can’t come I have diarrhea” I don’t think “I’m not in his sphere of status 😓😓” I think “Dave has diarrhea so we need 4 fewer burgers on the grill I guess.”

I’m not thirsty for friends and social climbing… I’m totally chill. I’m normal. Like, so normal.

Said normal one time in the whole comment btw. You guys are psychos. Look at your vocabulary … “thirsty social climbing” is how you describe just having friends and acquaintances.

Weird how that PP thinks being nasty with this thought pattern on top of being rude by not knowing how to handle an RSVP gives them some kind of social clout. Just zero self awareness. This is not a high functioning socially adept person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had this mom friend for a while who would do that. I'd invite her and then instead of saying no she would say yes but then show up very late (like an hour + to a sit down dinner) or cancel last minute. We interacted a lot beyond that due to kids so it felt perpetually hot and cold. At some point I had enough, but I think on some twisted level she DID want to be invited and then treat me carelessly like some sort of power play to show me where I stood.

And you affirmed her stature by repeatedly inviting her to things and remaining cordial with her. Why? Why were you so hard up to "befriend" her? Because you lack self-worth or you were trying to use her to social climb?

Can we not do this weird DCUM rhetorical move where we somehow try to flip it that the normal person behaving typically is somehow the problem?

Thank you! I love that inviting my kids friends moms into my home automatically translates to being a “orbiter” and “FYI they’re all group chatting about how pathetic you are.” People actually think this way?

Being pushy and trying to befriend random parents when you're middle aged typically comes across as a bit off and desperate. Sorry to be the bearer of that reality. Normal, successful, socially-skilled middle aged parents have enough friends.

Wow, so if someone moves to this area in mid-life they should just give up any hope of making friends because everyone automatically thinks they're desperate?

Yes. Inviting people you know to parties Nd events is thirsty social climbing. If they flake last minute, you’re actually the problem for wanting to “orbit” them because of their super special social status. If their excuse seems legit and you’re not bothered by them bailing so you invite them to something again in the future, you’re a pathetic doormat. Remember, above all, being friendly in any way makes you a chud striving loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had this mom friend for a while who would do that. I'd invite her and then instead of saying no she would say yes but then show up very late (like an hour + to a sit down dinner) or cancel last minute. We interacted a lot beyond that due to kids so it felt perpetually hot and cold. At some point I had enough, but I think on some twisted level she DID want to be invited and then treat me carelessly like some sort of power play to show me where I stood.

And you affirmed her stature by repeatedly inviting her to things and remaining cordial with her. Why? Why were you so hard up to "befriend" her? Because you lack self-worth or you were trying to use her to social climb?

Can we not do this weird DCUM rhetorical move where we somehow try to flip it that the normal person behaving typically is somehow the problem?

Thank you! I love that inviting my kids friends moms into my home automatically translates to being a “orbiter” and “FYI they’re all group chatting about how pathetic you are.” People actually think this way?

Being pushy and trying to befriend random parents when you're middle aged typically comes across as a bit off and desperate. Sorry to be the bearer of that reality. Normal, successful, socially-skilled middle aged parents have enough friends.

Wow, so if someone moves to this area in mid-life they should just give up any hope of making friends because everyone automatically thinks they're desperate?

+1. Not to mention, so many things can shift over time. I had a really great friends group when I moved to the DMV in my late 20s, but this area is so tranisent and expensive to live and slowly friends started leaving altogether or moving further out so that it's hard to see them on a regular basis. This idea that you shouldn't make new friends once you reach a certain age is rubbish. But it is hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Repeatedly trying to orbit people who perpetually blow you off is deeply creepy. Take a freaking hint.

Put another way: A guy repeatedly asks out a gal. Over and over and over she’s “nice” to his face but then flakes. You’d all tell the guy to stop being so weird, creepy and stalkerish because the gal is CLEARLY not interested in him. That’s literally what you’re all doing repeatedly trying to befriend and orbit people who don’t give a s*** about you.

No one is doing this. Most people on here say they stop inviting people who don't show. And then are accused of being insensitive to others' mental health or whatever.

This. They say nobody understands the crisis they are experiencing. It's not "but you are beneath me dahling...." Pick a lane.

It's not remotely as deep as you're trying to make it. If certain people have a tendency to flake, stop inviting them to your events if it bothers you, or just make arrangements so that it won't bother you. The solution is to be way less bothered than you are. This is not a huge deal and there are plenty of ways to work around it. I can count one experience in the last 8 years since we've lived in this house (which we built with a focus towards hosting) that someone flaked in a way that caused an issue and it was for an expensively catered party and I was left with two uneaten meals, which we then ate later. I would have preferred to save the hundreds of dollars if I had known they weren't coming, so I just don't invite them to things anymore. (They had previously flaked but it had never really mattered, once it did, I was done). It's really not a tough thing to negotiate. If people are constantly not showing up to your events, then you ought to think about who you're inviting and why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s really embarrassing to host a small get together and then have 4 of the 6 people flake a few hours before. This just happened to me, and it made me feel like such a loser. I had beautiful food prepared, had already straightened up, and then had to explain to my 2 guests that it was just us with a giant amount of food. Incredibly rude.

You have pretty shitty friends then, sorry. To flake on such a small event is incredibly rude, but it seems like these people aren't as close as you thought they were.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Repeatedly trying to orbit people who perpetually blow you off is deeply creepy. Take a freaking hint.

Put another way: A guy repeatedly asks out a gal. Over and over and over she’s “nice” to his face but then flakes. You’d all tell the guy to stop being so weird, creepy and stalkerish because the gal is CLEARLY not interested in him. That’s literally what you’re all doing repeatedly trying to befriend and orbit people who don’t give a s*** about you.

No one is doing this. Most people on here say they stop inviting people who don't show. And then are accused of being insensitive to others' mental health or whatever.

No one said this. People are saying that people don't show up to things for valid reasons, but no one is saying that it is big concern for anyone if you choose not to invite these people to anything again. If you don't want to invite them, don't. Not a problem.

+1

The PP you replied to is also misconstruing posts and reality. The suggestion to consider that people may be struggling with something was one to try to help you get over the fact that people didn't show up. Like if someone cuts me off while driving I can either be mad about it and think they're so rude and get angry or I can say hmm maybe they're rushing to the hospital because something bad happened and then wish them well. Your responses are choices, so you can either be mad at the people who flake and then let it ruin your party or you can say hmm they must have something bigger going on and I hope they're ok. Your choice. No one is berating you for not considering people's mental health struggles - it was merely a suggestion so you can chill the eff out about people skipping your party.

Also, DCUM isn't real life. I'm not sure if you're aware of that. I do have people I don't invite to things anymore because they have flaked in the past. If they asked me why they weren't invited to something, I'd tell them. Why is it so hard to have honest conversations with people? And if they're talking about me behind my back and being mad that I don't invite them to things? Ok then. Why would that bother me? I don't know if it's social media or DCUM or something else, but so many of you seem to live in this world where people are judging you or "accusing you" of things. Literally no one is. You've created these fake people who are doing these things, and even if they exist in your actual real life, who cares? If someone is mad at me because I stopped inviting them because they flaked multiple times, I couldn't be less bothered. So give that a whirl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Here is my take... I really try to be a good friend and not flake at all, so I would not do this, but I have come close through brain fog and I find myself turning down many more offers than i used to because i am too afraid of cancelling at the last minute.

My theory....we all were already running on almost empty before Covid shutdown hit. Then we all were running on more than empty. Then between job insanity, inflation, world events and life events we are all just trying not to have a nervous breakdown. For me all that is mentioned sent me over the edge and combine that with elderly emergencies over the course of years and family drama from that and I was afraid if I walked on a bridge, I'd be tempted to jump off to escape it all. It's not a matter of...do I want to make it to this party or just chill at home. It's like sometimes you are so overloaded you forget things you would never have forgotten in the past and sometimes you or I should say I am at the point where I realize true mental insanity is closer than it has ever been, I am exhausted and if I don't bail on some things I may need a strait jacket.

I am so sorry you dealt with that OP and it's why I stopped entertaining besides the fact I have no time and no patience left these days. I say no all the time to avoid having to cancel last minute and I hate turning down friends, but the rest and time to take care of myself has kept from that bridge scenario. I can fill the glass just enough to appreciate life and my family. It would break my heart to know you put in so much effort and I had to bail.

I say this gently, because I understand that Covid was hard and I've dealt with two parents dying after prolonged illnesses in the last five years - please get some help. You can't change everything about your life but you shouldn't have to live in the state you're in. Whether it's therapy to discuss some strategies for coping or medication to ease some of the anxiety, I hope you can find a way to get some peace. Life is too short to be lived on edge. And I hear you on the bridge thing - that's what made your post stand out to me. Please consider getting some help. I hope you feel better.