Why do so many people think it's okay to flake last minute?

[Anonymous]

But then according to posters here, do that twice and youre off the list forever.

So, what are YOU initiating? once the worst of the (whatever) has passed?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This is why I say no to most invitations- I know I won’t want to go once it’s actually time to go. But DCUMs complain about that too - “she never accepts my invitations to go out.” You can’t win.

Who complains about someone constantly turning them down? Most people stop inviting after 1 or 2 unaccepted invitations. The vast majority can read the writing on the wall.

Yeah, I don't complain about that, I just stop inviting you, because I can take the hint that someone doesn't want to be friends.

Maybe. Or maybe they do want to be friends, but their other issues (e.g. social anxiety) take over.

Maybe. But then it's on them to demonstrate interest in some way. I'm not going to keep asking someone who always says no. Why would I?

Because you care about them? When my friend was going through an awful divorce she often wouldn’t attend things for various reasons but she said it meant so much that everyone continued to invite her. Just feeling like she hadn’t lost that group of friends while she was losing her husband (he cheated and surprised her with a divorce) really helped.

I’ve blacklisted a couple after six years of continued rudeness in bailing on events. The final straw was a catered sit-down dinner (I had previously only invited them to larger group things so their last-minute absence wasn’t a big thing). They’re no longer on my invite list even for larger events now. I have a lot of sympathy for people going through things but also sometimes people are just rude and once I figure out you are, I’m over it.

The vast majority of people aren't going through tough times. They admit it themselves they just "don't feel like it" the day of. We can all tell the difference between a real excuse and a fake one and a lot of people are offering up fake excuses to get out of a commitment.

How old are you?

Of my closest 10 friends right now we have:
- recent death of mother
- recurrence of breast cancer requiring surgery and radiation
- recurrence of colon cancer requiring surgery and chemo
- divorce
- dying parent
- moving
- depression/anxiety ramping up due to work stress

So yeah, most of my friends right now are going through something. But again, if you want to be mad at people instead of being sympathetic or understanding, go ahead.

These people aren’t the ones RSVPing yes then flaking. Also, if they’re good friends, the host is aware of things going on in their lives.

Sigh. Actually, they are. Some of them have been overwhelmed and have flaked at the last minute.

If you have a ton of friends who are constantly flaking for what you determine to be no good reason, then clearly they don't really care about spending time with you. I feel like that's the root cause here - no one wants to acknowledge that that's the case so they'd rather diss those people as flakes. Stop inviting them and you'll stop having the problem. It's not that hard.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This is why I say no to most invitations- I know I won’t want to go once it’s actually time to go. But DCUMs complain about that too - “she never accepts my invitations to go out.” You can’t win.

Who complains about someone constantly turning them down? Most people stop inviting after 1 or 2 unaccepted invitations. The vast majority can read the writing on the wall.

Yeah, I don't complain about that, I just stop inviting you, because I can take the hint that someone doesn't want to be friends.

Maybe. Or maybe they do want to be friends, but their other issues (e.g. social anxiety) take over.

Maybe. But then it's on them to demonstrate interest in some way. I'm not going to keep asking someone who always says no. Why would I?

Because you care about them? When my friend was going through an awful divorce she often wouldn’t attend things for various reasons but she said it meant so much that everyone continued to invite her. Just feeling like she hadn’t lost that group of friends while she was losing her husband (he cheated and surprised her with a divorce) really helped.

I’ve blacklisted a couple after six years of continued rudeness in bailing on events. The final straw was a catered sit-down dinner (I had previously only invited them to larger group things so their last-minute absence wasn’t a big thing). They’re no longer on my invite list even for larger events now. I have a lot of sympathy for people going through things but also sometimes people are just rude and once I figure out you are, I’m over it.

It’s different when you cancel and say, “I so appreciate your invitation, but I’m not feeling like I can mingle today. The grief feels like a tidal wave. Thanks for your support and enjoy!”

But, most people don’t decline in that way. Even DH complains that his friends will respond to an invitation saying, “Out of town that day.” Never a bummer, or thanks, or let’s try again.

Then maybe they don't like him that much? I have a few groups of girlfriends and we're all (separately) trying to plan some weekends away. It's been hard to find times that work for everyone but we keep trying. If someone just peaced out I'd take it as a sign that they didn't care about getting together.

I think 80% would go to his funeral and say they missed him, so not sure about that. He likes to entertain and go out and is just the initiator. I am too, and I think we're both finally over it. People just don't want to hang out lately, for whatever reason.

Because they aren't prioritizing spending time with you. I haven't had any problem getting my friends to hang out, whether for part of a day or for a long weekend trip. We're all busy, we all have stuff going on, but we make it work because we want to.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This is why I say no to most invitations- I know I won’t want to go once it’s actually time to go. But DCUMs complain about that too - “she never accepts my invitations to go out.” You can’t win.

Who complains about someone constantly turning them down? Most people stop inviting after 1 or 2 unaccepted invitations. The vast majority can read the writing on the wall.

Yeah, I don't complain about that, I just stop inviting you, because I can take the hint that someone doesn't want to be friends.

Maybe. Or maybe they do want to be friends, but their other issues (e.g. social anxiety) take over.

Maybe. But then it's on them to demonstrate interest in some way. I'm not going to keep asking someone who always says no. Why would I?

Because you care about them? When my friend was going through an awful divorce she often wouldn’t attend things for various reasons but she said it meant so much that everyone continued to invite her. Just feeling like she hadn’t lost that group of friends while she was losing her husband (he cheated and surprised her with a divorce) really helped.

I’ve blacklisted a couple after six years of continued rudeness in bailing on events. The final straw was a catered sit-down dinner (I had previously only invited them to larger group things so their last-minute absence wasn’t a big thing). They’re no longer on my invite list even for larger events now. I have a lot of sympathy for people going through things but also sometimes people are just rude and once I figure out you are, I’m over it.

The vast majority of people aren't going through tough times. They admit it themselves they just "don't feel like it" the day of. We can all tell the difference between a real excuse and a fake one and a lot of people are offering up fake excuses to get out of a commitment.

How old are you?

Of my closest 10 friends right now we have:
- recent death of mother
- recurrence of breast cancer requiring surgery and radiation
- recurrence of colon cancer requiring surgery and chemo
- divorce
- dying parent
- moving
- depression/anxiety ramping up due to work stress

So yeah, most of my friends right now are going through something. But again, if you want to be mad at people instead of being sympathetic or understanding, go ahead.

These people aren’t the ones RSVPing yes then flaking. Also, if they’re good friends, the host is aware of things going on in their lives.

Sigh. Actually, they are. Some of them have been overwhelmed and have flaked at the last minute.

If you have a ton of friends who are constantly flaking for what you determine to be no good reason, then clearly they don't really care about spending time with you. I feel like that's the root cause here - no one wants to acknowledge that that's the case so they'd rather diss those people as flakes. Stop inviting them and you'll stop having the problem. It's not that hard.

I don't think those things are mutually exclusive. If you say yes to someone you don't actually want to spend time with and then blow it off at the last minute, you are still flaking, and it is still rude. And most people here are saying that they DO stop inviting people like this.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This is why I say no to most invitations- I know I won’t want to go once it’s actually time to go. But DCUMs complain about that too - “she never accepts my invitations to go out.” You can’t win.

Who complains about someone constantly turning them down? Most people stop inviting after 1 or 2 unaccepted invitations. The vast majority can read the writing on the wall.

Yeah, I don't complain about that, I just stop inviting you, because I can take the hint that someone doesn't want to be friends.

Maybe. Or maybe they do want to be friends, but their other issues (e.g. social anxiety) take over.

Maybe. But then it's on them to demonstrate interest in some way. I'm not going to keep asking someone who always says no. Why would I?

Because you care about them? When my friend was going through an awful divorce she often wouldn’t attend things for various reasons but she said it meant so much that everyone continued to invite her. Just feeling like she hadn’t lost that group of friends while she was losing her husband (he cheated and surprised her with a divorce) really helped.

I’ve blacklisted a couple after six years of continued rudeness in bailing on events. The final straw was a catered sit-down dinner (I had previously only invited them to larger group things so their last-minute absence wasn’t a big thing). They’re no longer on my invite list even for larger events now. I have a lot of sympathy for people going through things but also sometimes people are just rude and once I figure out you are, I’m over it.

The vast majority of people aren't going through tough times. They admit it themselves they just "don't feel like it" the day of. We can all tell the difference between a real excuse and a fake one and a lot of people are offering up fake excuses to get out of a commitment.

How old are you?

Of my closest 10 friends right now we have:
- recent death of mother
- recurrence of breast cancer requiring surgery and radiation
- recurrence of colon cancer requiring surgery and chemo
- divorce
- dying parent
- moving
- depression/anxiety ramping up due to work stress

So yeah, most of my friends right now are going through something. But again, if you want to be mad at people instead of being sympathetic or understanding, go ahead.

These people aren’t the ones RSVPing yes then flaking. Also, if they’re good friends, the host is aware of things going on in their lives.

Sigh. Actually, they are. Some of them have been overwhelmed and have flaked at the last minute.

If you have a ton of friends who are constantly flaking for what you determine to be no good reason, then clearly they don't really care about spending time with you. I feel like that's the root cause here - no one wants to acknowledge that that's the case so they'd rather diss those people as flakes. Stop inviting them and you'll stop having the problem. It's not that hard.

Well they aren't flaking on me because do that to me once or twice and we won't ever be making plans again.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This is why I say no to most invitations- I know I won’t want to go once it’s actually time to go. But DCUMs complain about that too - “she never accepts my invitations to go out.” You can’t win.

Who complains about someone constantly turning them down? Most people stop inviting after 1 or 2 unaccepted invitations. The vast majority can read the writing on the wall.

Yeah, I don't complain about that, I just stop inviting you, because I can take the hint that someone doesn't want to be friends.

Maybe. Or maybe they do want to be friends, but their other issues (e.g. social anxiety) take over.

Maybe. But then it's on them to demonstrate interest in some way. I'm not going to keep asking someone who always says no. Why would I?

Because you care about them? When my friend was going through an awful divorce she often wouldn’t attend things for various reasons but she said it meant so much that everyone continued to invite her. Just feeling like she hadn’t lost that group of friends while she was losing her husband (he cheated and surprised her with a divorce) really helped.

I’ve blacklisted a couple after six years of continued rudeness in bailing on events. The final straw was a catered sit-down dinner (I had previously only invited them to larger group things so their last-minute absence wasn’t a big thing). They’re no longer on my invite list even for larger events now. I have a lot of sympathy for people going through things but also sometimes people are just rude and once I figure out you are, I’m over it.

The vast majority of people aren't going through tough times. They admit it themselves they just "don't feel like it" the day of. We can all tell the difference between a real excuse and a fake one and a lot of people are offering up fake excuses to get out of a commitment.

How old are you?

Of my closest 10 friends right now we have:
- recent death of mother
- recurrence of breast cancer requiring surgery and radiation
- recurrence of colon cancer requiring surgery and chemo
- divorce
- dying parent
- moving
- depression/anxiety ramping up due to work stress

So yeah, most of my friends right now are going through something. But again, if you want to be mad at people instead of being sympathetic or understanding, go ahead.

These people aren’t the ones RSVPing yes then flaking. Also, if they’re good friends, the host is aware of things going on in their lives.

Sigh. Actually, they are. Some of them have been overwhelmed and have flaked at the last minute.

If you have a ton of friends who are constantly flaking for what you determine to be no good reason, then clearly they don't really care about spending time with you. I feel like that's the root cause here - no one wants to acknowledge that that's the case so they'd rather diss those people as flakes. Stop inviting them and you'll stop having the problem. It's not that hard.

I don't think those things are mutually exclusive. If you say yes to someone you don't actually want to spend time with and then blow it off at the last minute, you are still flaking, and it is still rude. And most people here are saying that they DO stop inviting people like this.

Of course it's rude. I would just get over it so quickly I wouldn't bother to post on DCUM about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Come on we all know this has gotten way worse since Covid. I had plans with a friend to take our kids on a fun outing on a day off school and she canceled on me WHILE I was driving there because “I’m super behind on laundry and the house is a mess so I need to just get this done today.” She’s a SAHM.

This. Incredible rudeness has been normalized. The key is to not invite flakers to future events.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This is why I say no to most invitations- I know I won’t want to go once it’s actually time to go. But DCUMs complain about that too - “she never accepts my invitations to go out.” You can’t win.

Who complains about someone constantly turning them down? Most people stop inviting after 1 or 2 unaccepted invitations. The vast majority can read the writing on the wall.

Yeah, I don't complain about that, I just stop inviting you, because I can take the hint that someone doesn't want to be friends.

Maybe. Or maybe they do want to be friends, but their other issues (e.g. social anxiety) take over.

Maybe. But then it's on them to demonstrate interest in some way. I'm not going to keep asking someone who always says no. Why would I?

Because you care about them? When my friend was going through an awful divorce she often wouldn’t attend things for various reasons but she said it meant so much that everyone continued to invite her. Just feeling like she hadn’t lost that group of friends while she was losing her husband (he cheated and surprised her with a divorce) really helped.

I’ve blacklisted a couple after six years of continued rudeness in bailing on events. The final straw was a catered sit-down dinner (I had previously only invited them to larger group things so their last-minute absence wasn’t a big thing). They’re no longer on my invite list even for larger events now. I have a lot of sympathy for people going through things but also sometimes people are just rude and once I figure out you are, I’m over it.

The vast majority of people aren't going through tough times. They admit it themselves they just "don't feel like it" the day of. We can all tell the difference between a real excuse and a fake one and a lot of people are offering up fake excuses to get out of a commitment.

How old are you?

Of my closest 10 friends right now we have:
- recent death of mother
- recurrence of breast cancer requiring surgery and radiation
- recurrence of colon cancer requiring surgery and chemo
- divorce
- dying parent
- moving
- depression/anxiety ramping up due to work stress

So yeah, most of my friends right now are going through something. But again, if you want to be mad at people instead of being sympathetic or understanding, go ahead.

These people aren’t the ones RSVPing yes then flaking. Also, if they’re good friends, the host is aware of things going on in their lives.

Sigh. Actually, they are. Some of them have been overwhelmed and have flaked at the last minute.

If you have a ton of friends who are constantly flaking for what you determine to be no good reason, then clearly they don't really care about spending time with you. I feel like that's the root cause here - no one wants to acknowledge that that's the case so they'd rather diss those people as flakes. Stop inviting them and you'll stop having the problem. It's not that hard.

I don't think those things are mutually exclusive. If you say yes to someone you don't actually want to spend time with and then blow it off at the last minute, you are still flaking, and it is still rude. And most people here are saying that they DO stop inviting people like this.

Of course it's rude. I would just get over it so quickly I wouldn't bother to post on DCUM about it.

Good for you. But it does happen, and people do learn their lesson. Nobody is saying that this has happened 24 times in a row. So why don't you get over this quickly and move along?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Once people show they are a flake, believe them. I don’t have time for that.

+1
Someone flakes more than once, I never invite them to do anything where it matters if they show up. A big party or a hang out somewhere I'm happy to be anyway? Sure (assuming I enjoy their company). A dinner party or anything that requires ticketing? Nope.

They ain't flaking on the Obamas, if you catch my drift. They are literally telling at you they don't value you and frankly don't give a s*** about you. Actions speak far louder than phony texts and chit-chat when you see them.

+1. You don't matter to them, CLEARLY. I don't know why people continue to bend over backwards for "friends" who make it CLEAR you are a nobody to them. Spare me the anxiety crap, you're a grown man or woman. And as PP said, if this was an invite by someone extremely influential and high status, they'd NEVER in a million years flake. But you all keep befriending "friends" who do this over and over and over? Cut them out of your life and focus on people who actually value you.

Yep. I tried to have a mom get together and ONE person showed up. The others all said they would come and bailed an hour before they were supposed to come for various lame reasons.
High status mom at the school threw one the same month and you’ll be shocked to hear that every single mom in the grade was there. No one got “sick” or “wasn’t feeling it!” It was a miracle.

+1. I've seen this as well. It's honestly pathetic that people keep trying to befriend and socialize with people who treat them like a doormat. Have some dignity and self-respect. I assume the people who keep flaking on you are in a mean mom group chat mocking your repeated attempts to orbit them.

Thank you for the pep talk. I’m not trying to “orbit” anyone. In general the advice given when one is trying to make friends is to invite others. I am not picky or only inviting high status women. But I would like to have ONE mom friend at the school who I could sit by at mass when the kids are singing. After 4 years at this school it still hasn’t happened. Clearly a me problem.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think it’s a you problem. People are busy and it can also take a while to meet your people.

And, unfortunately, I do think lots of people RSVP yes to give themselves options - and likely because they think their future self will really want to go. And then the future arrives and they aren’t as ambitious as they thought. People are just notoriously bad at making good decisions for their future self. (It’s the same reason so many people can’t save money for their future self.) Combine poor decision making with modern society’s overly hectic schedule and increased focus on self and it’s a perfect storm that explains why this happens more now. I don’t actually think it’s anything personal about you. But agree it’s sort of a sad statement about the state of society. I think many people have adjusted by simply hosting less, which leads to fewer events and more loneliness. Hence the loneliness crisis. But don’t make matters worse by blaming yourself for any of these societal trends.

[Anonymous]

OP, you've just been given a a gift, the gift of insight re: these few. Continue to fine-tune your radar on which personalities around you are a match. You'll start to recognize higher quality individuals, better matches for you. Start with one-on-one friendships. Build from there.

[Anonymous]

When people show you who they are, believe them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

But then according to posters here, do that twice and youre off the list forever.

So, what are YOU initiating? once the worst of the (whatever) has passed?

A. We aren’t talking about people who have cancer diagnoses or whose parents died or whose kids are in the hospital. That’s different. They don’t “flake.” We’re talking about people who just say the day of “sorry, can’t make it!”

B. For them, they need to RSVP more wisely. Don’t say you can come if you know your “mental health” won’t let you attend. Don’t say you can come without looking at your calendar and checking your other plans. If you say you’ll come, actually make an effort to come - don’t bail when you commit to other stuff later or because you woke up tired or had a bad hair day.

It isn’t that hard to be a person who follows through. It really isn’t.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:A lot of people have more things going on in their lives than you realize/know. Issues with spouse, health / career / financial issues that you may be unaware of, etc.

This is very true.

But also people nowadays are more inclined to flake just because they'd rather stay home and watch Netflix in their sweatpants. There's a guise of doing it to take care of their mental health but sometimes it's just selfish and inconsiderate. And ultimately defeats the purpose since a big part of mental health is positive interactions with other humans.

OP here and I agree. I'm introverted and have some social anxiety. TBH, I wanted to flake on the dinner last night because I was nervous about not knowing many people! But I went, generally enjoyed it, and felt better about myself afterwards for making an effort.

NP and I totally get it- we had a party earlier this year and the same thing happened. There were eeven a couple families bringing EXTRA people- (e.g., parents in town) so it ended up being a lot of people we planned for that didn't show last minute. It was really annoying. And Imm very similar to you as an introvert with some social anxiety and it takes a lot of effort for me follow RSVPs through sometimes. But once I say yes to something I try hard to actually go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

But then according to posters here, do that twice and youre off the list forever.

So, what are YOU initiating? once the worst of the (whatever) has passed?

A. We aren’t talking about people who have cancer diagnoses or whose parents died or whose kids are in the hospital. That’s different. They don’t “flake.” We’re talking about people who just say the day of “sorry, can’t make it!”

B. For them, they need to RSVP more wisely. Don’t say you can come if you know your “mental health” won’t let you attend. Don’t say you can come without looking at your calendar and checking your other plans. If you say you’ll come, actually make an effort to come - don’t bail when you commit to other stuff later or because you woke up tired or had a bad hair day.

It isn’t that hard to be a person who follows through. It really isn’t.

I think it is hard, sometimes, at the time, to make yourself go. But it's an effort worth making. Following through on commitments is important. It's basic courtesy and indicates conscientiousness and integrity.

I think lately more people have been avoiding things that feel hard.