Moving - how harmful?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I got a good job there and they would obviously go to an international school so I don't quite see the problem. She will make new friends and after she graduates she can do whatever she wants and live wherever she wants. My husband and I are so done with her attitude because she's insulting us and yelling at us and sleeping over at friends houses on school nights without even asking us. We just don't engage with her anymore.

This won't traumatize her right? I mean people move all the time and adjust.
Just don't know how we will get her on a plane...

That’s really cold, op. I suspect part of her acting out is how dismissive you are about her feelings here. She’s at a rough age for a move. Many military families try very hard to avoid moves when kids are this age, and will even sometimes send the military member on their own to avoid moving a high-school aged kid.

It’s a big deal, and some empathy for her feelings would be appropriate.

I said that back toward the beginning. The issue is OP’s kid has a right to be upset and OP, the parent, is “at her wits end” managing appropriate emotions that her decisions created. She just wants the kid to shut up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I got a good job there and they would obviously go to an international school so I don't quite see the problem. She will make new friends and after she graduates she can do whatever she wants and live wherever she wants. My husband and I are so done with her attitude because she's insulting us and yelling at us and sleeping over at friends houses on school nights without even asking us. We just don't engage with her anymore.

This won't traumatize her right? I mean people move all the time and adjust.
Just don't know how we will get her on a plane...

I know it's what you don't want to hear, but it might. This is a sensitive time for kids. I know of several for whom this kind of move was devastating and life changing. I also know of kids who did this and were fine, but their initial reactions were not like those you are describing. If this was a possibility, you should have been working towards setting expectations and building skills and connections for years beforehand. Springing this on her now was poor planning.

Yeah I understand but it's too late now. What do we do? We are at our wits end with her.

Keep your job here/get a different job here. What happened to your old job?

nothing happened to the old job. New job is just better paying.

No way is a job better paying in Spain. OP is selfish and likely a liar too.

[Anonymous]

I attended 10 different school and my last move was in the middle of my junior year of high school. I had been in the top of my class at my first high school. When I moved I wasn’t even in the top 10% because the new school was far less rigorous and the grades were weighted.

I can tell from reading through this thread which people have experience moving as kids. Those that do say it should be avoided.

[Anonymous]

Im the poster who thinks this an amazing opportunity, not a tragedy. I’m basing this on the assumption that your children will be attending an international school. These schools are used to students coming and going, they prioritize building community and helping new students feel settled.
Those of you that were traumatized by a move in high school - I’m guessing you moved domestically, to another school where everyone attended together since kindergarten. It’s really not like that in international schools, or at least the many international schools around the world
that I have moved my own children in and out of. Yes, it is hard to start over, but they are not the only ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My family (7th grade son and 9th grade daughter) are moving to Spain as soon as the school year ends. My husband and I are both from there and our kids have been there before and speak Spanish so its familiar.

My son is honestly fine with moving, he's not happy but not sad either so he's pretty neutral. My 15 year old daughter on the other hand is completely devastated. She yells at my husband and I saying we are the worst parents ever and she slams doors and doesn't come out of her room anymore unless its for dinner. She's not budging and she's known that we are moving for about 2 weeks now. She won't tell her friends or talk to relatives and doesn't really believe that we are actually moving (she keeps repeating "we aren't moving" or "I am not going" over and over again.)

My question is; will she get over this? How harmful is this for her development and feelings as we move and process this?

My parents moved after my 10th grade year. It changed the trajectory of my life and I never forgave them. I am now 56. I would never do this to my kid.

Same, explain I'm 50. We only moved 15 min away but I had to change high-school.

[Anonymous]

Troll fail

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Military kids get moved every 3-4 years and turn out normally. She is upset but also over-reacting.

🙄

And many of them hated it. I know someone in her late 40s who still hasn’t gotten over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I got a good job there and they would obviously go to an international school so I don't quite see the problem. She will make new friends and after she graduates she can do whatever she wants and live wherever she wants. My husband and I are so done with her attitude because she's insulting us and yelling at us and sleeping over at friends houses on school nights without even asking us. We just don't engage with her anymore.

This won't traumatize her right? I mean people move all the time and adjust.
Just don't know how we will get her on a plane...

I know it's what you don't want to hear, but it might. This is a sensitive time for kids. I know of several for whom this kind of move was devastating and life changing. I also know of kids who did this and were fine, but their initial reactions were not like those you are describing. If this was a possibility, you should have been working towards setting expectations and building skills and connections for years beforehand. Springing this on her now was poor planning.

Yeah I understand but it's too late now. What do we do? We are at our wits end with her.

Keep your job here/get a different job here. What happened to your old job?

nothing happened to the old job. New job is just better paying.

No way is a job better paying in Spain. OP is selfish and likely a liar too.

Completely agree. Especially with taxes in Spain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I got a good job there and they would obviously go to an international school so I don't quite see the problem. She will make new friends and after she graduates she can do whatever she wants and live wherever she wants. My husband and I are so done with her attitude because she's insulting us and yelling at us and sleeping over at friends houses on school nights without even asking us. We just don't engage with her anymore.

This won't traumatize her right? I mean people move all the time and adjust.
Just don't know how we will get her on a plane...

I know it's what you don't want to hear, but it might. This is a sensitive time for kids. I know of several for whom this kind of move was devastating and life changing. I also know of kids who did this and were fine, but their initial reactions were not like those you are describing. If this was a possibility, you should have been working towards setting expectations and building skills and connections for years beforehand. Springing this on her now was poor planning.

Yeah I understand but it's too late now. What do we do? We are at our wits end with her.

Keep your job here/get a different job here. What happened to your old job?

nothing happened to the old job. New job is just better paying.

No way is a job better paying in Spain. OP is selfish and likely a liar too.

Reasonable people will jump at the opportunity to move their families to Europe and get off this sinking ship that is the US.

OP’s teen is understandably upset this the best thing for her in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I got a good job there and they would obviously go to an international school so I don't quite see the problem. She will make new friends and after she graduates she can do whatever she wants and live wherever she wants. My husband and I are so done with her attitude because she's insulting us and yelling at us and sleeping over at friends houses on school nights without even asking us. We just don't engage with her anymore.

This won't traumatize her right? I mean people move all the time and adjust.
Just don't know how we will get her on a plane...

I know it's what you don't want to hear, but it might. This is a sensitive time for kids. I know of several for whom this kind of move was devastating and life changing. I also know of kids who did this and were fine, but their initial reactions were not like those you are describing. If this was a possibility, you should have been working towards setting expectations and building skills and connections for years beforehand. Springing this on her now was poor planning.

Yeah I understand but it's too late now. What do we do? We are at our wits end with her.

Keep your job here/get a different job here. What happened to your old job?

nothing happened to the old job. New job is just better paying.

No way is a job better paying in Spain. OP is selfish and likely a liar too.

Completely agree. Especially with taxes in Spain.

Please show us your cost of living calculations between the DC area and all of Spain. This should be a hoot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My family (7th grade son and 9th grade daughter) are moving to Spain as soon as the school year ends. My husband and I are both from there and our kids have been there before and speak Spanish so its familiar.

My son is honestly fine with moving, he's not happy but not sad either so he's pretty neutral. My 15 year old daughter on the other hand is completely devastated. She yells at my husband and I saying we are the worst parents ever and she slams doors and doesn't come out of her room anymore unless its for dinner. She's not budging and she's known that we are moving for about 2 weeks now. She won't tell her friends or talk to relatives and doesn't really believe that we are actually moving (she keeps repeating "we aren't moving" or "I am not going" over and over again.)

My question is; will she get over this? How harmful is this for her development and feelings as we move and process this?

My parents moved after my 10th grade year. It changed the trajectory of my life and I never forgave them. I am now 56. I would never do this to my kid.

Same, explain I'm 50. We only moved 15 min away but I had to change high-school.

Please share the details of how moving 15 minutes away ruined your life. And be thankful you’ve apparently never faced any actual adversity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People in the military and foreign service do this ALL. THE TIME. They turn out just fine. OP, your daughter just needs time to adjust. Make sure she's aware of all the traveling adventures she will have.

We don’t all turn out just fine. For me, moving around for a parent who was always deployed anyway was a defining characteristic of my ability to form real relationships and I’ve struggled with them as an adult.
- military brat

Get some therapy, grow up, and take responsibility for your own failures in life instead of blaming your parents.

Pp isn’t blaming, they are explaining. The original pp said that military kids do this all the time and turn out fine. Pp explained that’s actually not true.

PP is *absolutely* blaming her parents for her inability to form real relationships. She’s an adult- at some point it’s on her to get her $hit together and act like one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People in the military and foreign service do this ALL. THE TIME. They turn out just fine. OP, your daughter just needs time to adjust. Make sure she's aware of all the traveling adventures she will have.

They don't all turn out fine. Idiotic take.

Kids who never move don’t all turn out fine, either. What point do you think you’re making?

Dp. The point is that moving in high school is rough and you can’t assume your kids will just “be fine”.

You can’t assume your kids will be just fine when they go to college, either, I guess? Or when they move for their first job? Or when they have their first break-up? First death in the family?

Lots of things are rough. That’s life. The kids will actually be just fine (unless you encourage them to wallow in their perceived victimhood).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I got a good job there and they would obviously go to an international school so I don't quite see the problem. She will make new friends and after she graduates she can do whatever she wants and live wherever she wants. My husband and I are so done with her attitude because she's insulting us and yelling at us and sleeping over at friends houses on school nights without even asking us. We just don't engage with her anymore.

This won't traumatize her right? I mean people move all the time and adjust.
Just don't know how we will get her on a plane...

I know it's what you don't want to hear, but it might. This is a sensitive time for kids. I know of several for whom this kind of move was devastating and life changing. I also know of kids who did this and were fine, but their initial reactions were not like those you are describing. If this was a possibility, you should have been working towards setting expectations and building skills and connections for years beforehand. Springing this on her now was poor planning.

Yeah I understand but it's too late now. What do we do? We are at our wits end with her.

Keep your job here/get a different job here. What happened to your old job?

nothing happened to the old job. New job is just better paying.

No way is a job better paying in Spain. OP is selfish and likely a liar too.

Completely agree. Especially with taxes in Spain.

on an ex pat contract? of course the pay is better. I would tell you to do due diligence on the intl school. We made this move at the beginning of high school and the intl school is garbage- it is SO SO bad and I will eternally feel guilty for making my child go to high school and not listening to the one woman who came up to me in October and was like- this school is bad, dont send your kids here. put them on the train to ZIS. the IBDP is also unnecessarily rigorous and this school is only about grades and the small classes are actually a drawback b/c the student body are suicidal/cliquey/maladjusted and my kid has no peer group. like a bunch of men of their 2nd families who's daughters do "ballet" and are going to go to 2nd tier unis to do communications and phone it in Bridget jones style so that they too can marry a man 18 years their sr. with a stable career at the ripe age of 24. Moving to Spain will be an amazing opportunity but dont assume anything about the international school- make sure it is actually supportive and good. live in a smaller place if you have to but make sure the intl school is good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I got a good job there and they would obviously go to an international school so I don't quite see the problem. She will make new friends and after she graduates she can do whatever she wants and live wherever she wants. My husband and I are so done with her attitude because she's insulting us and yelling at us and sleeping over at friends houses on school nights without even asking us. We just don't engage with her anymore.

This won't traumatize her right? I mean people move all the time and adjust.
Just don't know how we will get her on a plane...

I know it's what you don't want to hear, but it might. This is a sensitive time for kids. I know of several for whom this kind of move was devastating and life changing. I also know of kids who did this and were fine, but their initial reactions were not like those you are describing. If this was a possibility, you should have been working towards setting expectations and building skills and connections for years beforehand. Springing this on her now was poor planning.

Yeah I understand but it's too late now. What do we do? We are at our wits end with her.

Keep your job here/get a different job here. What happened to your old job?

nothing happened to the old job. New job is just better paying.

No way is a job better paying in Spain. OP is selfish and likely a liar too.

Completely agree. Especially with taxes in Spain.

on an ex pat contract? of course the pay is better. I would tell you to do due diligence on the intl school. We made this move at the beginning of high school and the intl school is garbage- it is SO SO bad and I will eternally feel guilty for making my child go to high school and not listening to the one woman who came up to me in October and was like- this school is bad, dont send your kids here. put them on the train to ZIS. the IBDP is also unnecessarily rigorous and this school is only about grades and the small classes are actually a drawback b/c the student body are suicidal/cliquey/maladjusted and my kid has no peer group. like a bunch of men of their 2nd families who's daughters do "ballet" and are going to go to 2nd tier unis to do communications and phone it in Bridget jones style so that they too can marry a man 18 years their sr. with a stable career at the ripe age of 24. Moving to Spain will be an amazing opportunity but dont assume anything about the international school- make sure it is actually supportive and good. live in a smaller place if you have to but make sure the intl school is good.

Good point. The good international schools are outstanding and provide
amazing opportunities, but they are an investment if you pay your own tuition (some are up to $50,000 per year). My advice is to look for not-for-profit schools. They still charge $$$, but pay their teachers better and attract a much higher quality of educator.