Moving - how harmful?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I got a good job there and they would obviously go to an international school so I don't quite see the problem. She will make new friends and after she graduates she can do whatever she wants and live wherever she wants. My husband and I are so done with her attitude because she's insulting us and yelling at us and sleeping over at friends houses on school nights without even asking us. We just don't engage with her anymore.

This won't traumatize her right? I mean people move all the time and adjust.
Just don't know how we will get her on a plane...

I know it's what you don't want to hear, but it might. This is a sensitive time for kids. I know of several for whom this kind of move was devastating and life changing. I also know of kids who did this and were fine, but their initial reactions were not like those you are describing. If this was a possibility, you should have been working towards setting expectations and building skills and connections for years beforehand. Springing this on her now was poor planning.

Yeah I understand but it's too late now. What do we do? We are at our wits end with her.

You sound really frustrated without showing empathy for what a huge change this is for her. As someone who moved constantly as a kid (including 1 move in high school), I vowed to never move my kids after elementary school unless we had a financial catastrophe. Just not worth it. Move to Spain in 6 years once your kids are in college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I got a good job there and they would obviously go to an international school so I don't quite see the problem. She will make new friends and after she graduates she can do whatever she wants and live wherever she wants. My husband and I are so done with her attitude because she's insulting us and yelling at us and sleeping over at friends houses on school nights without even asking us. We just don't engage with her anymore.

This won't traumatize her right? I mean people move all the time and adjust.
Just don't know how we will get her on a plane...

I know it's what you don't want to hear, but it might. This is a sensitive time for kids. I know of several for whom this kind of move was devastating and life changing. I also know of kids who did this and were fine, but their initial reactions were not like those you are describing. If this was a possibility, you should have been working towards setting expectations and building skills and connections for years beforehand. Springing this on her now was poor planning.

Yeah I understand but it's too late now. What do we do? We are at our wits end with her.

Keep your job here/get a different job here. What happened to your old job?

nothing happened to the old job. New job is just better paying.

This has to be fake. Who is so flippant about such a big change for their kids?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a normal teen reaction. It will be hard, but with lots of empathy and hard work by you and your spouse - and eventually your kids - your family will be fine. Will the kids have dual citizenship? Assuming money isn't an issue, they could come back for university. And, of course, visits with friends before then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I got a good job there and they would obviously go to an international school so I don't quite see the problem. She will make new friends and after she graduates she can do whatever she wants and live wherever she wants. My husband and I are so done with her attitude because she's insulting us and yelling at us and sleeping over at friends houses on school nights without even asking us. We just don't engage with her anymore.

This won't traumatize her right? I mean people move all the time and adjust.
Just don't know how we will get her on a plane...

I know it's what you don't want to hear, but it might. This is a sensitive time for kids. I know of several for whom this kind of move was devastating and life changing. I also know of kids who did this and were fine, but their initial reactions were not like those you are describing. If this was a possibility, you should have been working towards setting expectations and building skills and connections for years beforehand. Springing this on her now was poor planning.

Yeah I understand but it's too late now. What do we do? We are at our wits end with her.

Keep your job here/get a different job here. What happened to your old job?

nothing happened to the old job. New job is just better paying.

This has to be fake. Who is so flippant about such a big change for their kids?

This. The time to make this change was several years ago. OP is selfish and lacks empathy. I feel for the kids - they are getting now support for this major life change. Son is probably upset too but keeping it bottled up.

[Anonymous]

She’s understandably anxious, but she’s going to love it, and she’s a lucky girl to be moving to Spain. Her future will be brighter there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I got a good job there and they would obviously go to an international school so I don't quite see the problem. She will make new friends and after she graduates she can do whatever she wants and live wherever she wants. My husband and I are so done with her attitude because she's insulting us and yelling at us and sleeping over at friends houses on school nights without even asking us. We just don't engage with her anymore.

This won't traumatize her right? I mean people move all the time and adjust.
Just don't know how we will get her on a plane...

I know it's what you don't want to hear, but it might. This is a sensitive time for kids. I know of several for whom this kind of move was devastating and life changing. I also know of kids who did this and were fine, but their initial reactions were not like those you are describing. If this was a possibility, you should have been working towards setting expectations and building skills and connections for years beforehand. Springing this on her now was poor planning.

Yeah I understand but it's too late now. What do we do? We are at our wits end with her.

Keep your job here/get a different job here. What happened to your old job?

nothing happened to the old job. New job is just better paying.

This has to be fake. Who is so flippant about such a big change for their kids?

+1 troll reveal

[Anonymous]

I'm someone who was moved the summer after 10th grade and it also changed the trajectory of my life. Before the move, I was a straight A student in all the hardest classes, all-state violinist, track star, etc.

After the move, Cs and Bs and no more violin or track, Got into a state school (luckily I was an NMSF so that likely helped.)

But if I had stayed where I was, maintained everything I had before, I would have ended up at an Ivy like my older sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I got a good job there and they would obviously go to an international school so I don't quite see the problem. She will make new friends and after she graduates she can do whatever she wants and live wherever she wants. My husband and I are so done with her attitude because she's insulting us and yelling at us and sleeping over at friends houses on school nights without even asking us. We just don't engage with her anymore.

This won't traumatize her right? I mean people move all the time and adjust.
Just don't know how we will get her on a plane...

Yes she will be fine in the long run. Shes a teenager who sees moving as losing all her friends social life etc.. Shes scared of the changes and to her its the end of the world. Yes she will adjust and make new friends in Spain. You are not a bad parent, you are doing what you need to do which is relocating for a job. The world and life does not stop because shes in highschool. She is a child and unfortunately for her has to go with you but once she turns 18+ she can relocate back to the states if she chooses but for now she goes with you.

As for the attitude acknowledge her feelings as there her feelings and valid but explain that this move is non negotiable and being disrespected because of it will not be accepted and ignore her when shes in a mood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I got a good job there and they would obviously go to an international school so I don't quite see the problem. She will make new friends and after she graduates she can do whatever she wants and live wherever she wants. My husband and I are so done with her attitude because she's insulting us and yelling at us and sleeping over at friends houses on school nights without even asking us. We just don't engage with her anymore.

This won't traumatize her right? I mean people move all the time and adjust.
Just don't know how we will get her on a plane...

I know it's what you don't want to hear, but it might. This is a sensitive time for kids. I know of several for whom this kind of move was devastating and life changing. I also know of kids who did this and were fine, but their initial reactions were not like those you are describing. If this was a possibility, you should have been working towards setting expectations and building skills and connections for years beforehand. Springing this on her now was poor planning.

Yeah I understand but it's too late now. What do we do? We are at our wits end with her.

Keep your job here/get a different job here. What happened to your old job?

nothing happened to the old job. New job is just better paying.

This has to be fake. Who is so flippant about such a big change for their kids?

How can you be surprised by this? Lots of parents are like this.

I have seen people behave worse than this with regards to moves or divorces when their kids get upset at the news. I know one family with two kids who responded similar to OP's to their parents getting divorced -- younger kid was diplomatic and not emotional about it, older kid was very upset and refused to accept it. One parent, like OP, viewed this as one kid being "good" and the other kid being "bad," instead of thinking critically about why the older child was so much more upset. The clear expectation for the kids was that it was their job to gracefully handle whatever choices their parents made that would impact their lives, and that strong negative emotions would not be tolerated.

They do not have great relationships now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Military kids get moved every 3-4 years and turn out normally. She is upset but also over-reacting.

As someone who has worked at a school serving a military base LOL!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Military kids get moved every 3-4 years and turn out normally. She is upset but also over-reacting.

As someone who has worked at a school serving a military base LOL!

And also that expectation is set. Every family and their friends know the deal. Still hard but the kids have time to prepare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Military kids get moved every 3-4 years and turn out normally. She is upset but also over-reacting.

As someone who has worked at a school serving a military base LOL!

Yeah agree, they are often not fine at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s understandably anxious, but she’s going to love it, and she’s a lucky girl to be moving to Spain. Her future will be brighter there.

It is incorrect to assume she will love it. So many people projecting their own thoughts on it.

Some kids do well with those moves but for other kids it really can be negative and at that age can cause long term animosity toward her parents. Although, OP’s lack of empathy and awareness of the situation could also be factors in her DD’s reaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Military kids get moved every 3-4 years and turn out normally. She is upset but also over-reacting.

As someone who has worked at a school serving a military base LOL!

Yeah agree, they are often not fine at all.

So true. One of my best friends is a military family. One of their kids loved the moving and the other has had long lasting issues as a result of it.

[Anonymous]

Depends a lot on the kid. We moved my freshman year of high school to a redneck type suburb of a small city, and I don't think it's exaggerating to say it was traumatizing to me. I was a very shy kid, and I (an awkward, academic kid) didn't fit into this environment. I never made good friends in high school and it felt like everyone had known each other since preschool. I hated it, and I still as an adult have a complex about always feeling like an outsider. That said, here in the DC area, people are moving in and out a lot, so it's less unusual. So, I really think it depends on your kid's personality, as well as whether the new school and social environment will include other new kids and/or be welcoming to newcomers. Even if that's a good situation, I think she deserves some empathy since I'm sure she's in a bit of shock over not finishing out high school with her friends, going through all the milestones of graduation and prom together, etc.