Moving - how harmful?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My family (7th grade son and 9th grade daughter) are moving to Spain as soon as the school year ends. My husband and I are both from there and our kids have been there before and speak Spanish so its familiar.

My son is honestly fine with moving, he's not happy but not sad either so he's pretty neutral. My 15 year old daughter on the other hand is completely devastated. She yells at my husband and I saying we are the worst parents ever and she slams doors and doesn't come out of her room anymore unless its for dinner. She's not budging and she's known that we are moving for about 2 weeks now. She won't tell her friends or talk to relatives and doesn't really believe that we are actually moving (she keeps repeating "we aren't moving" or "I am not going" over and over again.)

My question is; will she get over this? How harmful is this for her development and feelings as we move and process this?

Based on the reaction she might not get over it. If my parents had done this to me at that age, I would still be mad at them today. She is also clearly telling you that this is harmful for her. I would listen, go to therapy and rethink the plans.

Did she even know you were considering this? Did you talk with the kids about how they would feel if it happened? Something this big should have had more buy in and not come out of left field….

You need therapy to unpack why you let your kids dictate life plans for their entire family. Don’t parentify your kids because you’re too afraid to make a decision on their behalf that’s in their best interest. THAT is actually bad parenting.

Wow, glad you feel comfortable being a jerk on an anonymous forum.

I didn’t say any of what you are assuming. BTW, no where does this person say this is in the kid’s best interest because of x,y, or z.

Kids don’t dictate life plans but if I was considering a move like this, with kids of this age, I’d at least discuss it with them as part of a family meeting. Then it wouldn’t be a shock and they would learn how to process the idea early. Could have a chance to ask questions etc. Which is how kids learn and become excited by new ideas. It’s not that hard to respect your own kids and function as a family.

You’re trying to make OP feel guilty/scared by telling her you’d resent your parents forever for making you move, and that her own daughter might not ever “get over it”… And yet you have the nerve to accuse OTHER people of being anonymous jerks?

Like I said, you need therapy.

So I need therapy because I replied truthfully and directly for an opinion they asked for? That is hilarious.

They should feel bad/guilty. That is a crappy thing to do to your kids without buy in (especially at these ages) and it doesn’t sound like they have buy in or even prepped the kids this might happen. Their replies/explanations are also callus and emotionally dismissive. So no, I am not offering blind support to the parents. And, yes, if my parents did this to me it would have damaged our relationship forever. Not going to pretend otherwise.

Don’t ask for advice or opinions that you don’t want an honest answer to. Not everyone will be supportive and in looking at the replies, most aren’t.

And you were free to scroll on by if you didn’t like what I said instead of being defensive and name calling.

By your logic, you opened yourself up for criticism by posting your opinion, so I am also free to call you out for being an over the top drama queen. Which you are. Which is why you know without any doubt that a move as a teen would have permanently damaged your relationship with your parents, despite not having actually experienced such a move. Because you know YOURSELF, and recognize deep down that you are a drama craving lunatic who would absolutely relish the opportunity to hold a grudge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My family (7th grade son and 9th grade daughter) are moving to Spain as soon as the school year ends. My husband and I are both from there and our kids have been there before and speak Spanish so its familiar.

My son is honestly fine with moving, he's not happy but not sad either so he's pretty neutral. My 15 year old daughter on the other hand is completely devastated. She yells at my husband and I saying we are the worst parents ever and she slams doors and doesn't come out of her room anymore unless its for dinner. She's not budging and she's known that we are moving for about 2 weeks now. She won't tell her friends or talk to relatives and doesn't really believe that we are actually moving (she keeps repeating "we aren't moving" or "I am not going" over and over again.)

My question is; will she get over this? How harmful is this for her development and feelings as we move and process this?

Based on the reaction she might not get over it. If my parents had done this to me at that age, I would still be mad at them today. She is also clearly telling you that this is harmful for her. I would listen, go to therapy and rethink the plans.

Did she even know you were considering this? Did you talk with the kids about how they would feel if it happened? Something this big should have had more buy in and not come out of left field….

You need therapy to unpack why you let your kids dictate life plans for their entire family. Don’t parentify your kids because you’re too afraid to make a decision on their behalf that’s in their best interest. THAT is actually bad parenting.

DP, but basically all of parenting is making decisions with your children in consideration. That doesn’t mean they should get to “dictate” what the family does, but I also don’t think parents should expect to make major life decisions based solely on their wants without it affecting their kids.

The teen years can be hard, especially for girls. My family moved when I was in 8th grade. I fell in with a fast crowd trying to fit in and definitely rebelled out of anger (it wasn’t our first move). Maybe an international school will be more transient, but I moved to a place where kids had all been together since K.

Maybe I would have been a rebellious teen anyway, but the friend group I moved away from was definitely a tamer crowd, so I’m not so sure. When I married DH I made it a stipulation that we would not move once our kids hit middle school (unless absolute necessity like job loss and needing to relocate). The kids are the priority during the tween/teen years because this is such a critical time to launching them into successful adulthood. Career aspirations can wait.

Of course some kids don’t mind change and are able to easily fit into a new crowd. But behavior is communication and what OP’s daughter is communicating does not bode well for her mental health in a foreign country.

So what if your 8th grade daughter is in with the fast crowd in your lifelong hometown? You wouldn’t consider moving and hoping she could find some tamer friends? Strange.

[Anonymous]

I think it's very harmful. This is a huge thing to come out of nowhere.

At her age, her and her friends have probably spent years talking about all the things they'll do together as they get older, and now you're ripping her out of that.

Things like this feel very sudden to teenagers and that jarring level of disruption won't be forgotten.

My daughter wanted to move, and she still had a really hard time because lots of her new friends had been friends since they were little and had a lot of shared history that she had no hope of being part of. It's a very sensitive age.

I can't imagine making a decision like this without having some consulting with my kids unless it was for an absolutely necessary reason, like a medical reason or something. Are there any options you can explore for her? Maybe even if she just gets to spend summer with her friends?

This kind of thing is really kid dependent and you really don't seem to have any empathy for her, and that sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My family (7th grade son and 9th grade daughter) are moving to Spain as soon as the school year ends. My husband and I are both from there and our kids have been there before and speak Spanish so its familiar.

My son is honestly fine with moving, he's not happy but not sad either so he's pretty neutral. My 15 year old daughter on the other hand is completely devastated. She yells at my husband and I saying we are the worst parents ever and she slams doors and doesn't come out of her room anymore unless its for dinner. She's not budging and she's known that we are moving for about 2 weeks now. She won't tell her friends or talk to relatives and doesn't really believe that we are actually moving (she keeps repeating "we aren't moving" or "I am not going" over and over again.)

My question is; will she get over this? How harmful is this for her development and feelings as we move and process this?

Based on the reaction she might not get over it. If my parents had done this to me at that age, I would still be mad at them today. She is also clearly telling you that this is harmful for her. I would listen, go to therapy and rethink the plans.

Did she even know you were considering this? Did you talk with the kids about how they would feel if it happened? Something this big should have had more buy in and not come out of left field….

You need therapy to unpack why you let your kids dictate life plans for their entire family. Don’t parentify your kids because you’re too afraid to make a decision on their behalf that’s in their best interest. THAT is actually bad parenting.

DP, but basically all of parenting is making decisions with your children in consideration. That doesn’t mean they should get to “dictate” what the family does, but I also don’t think parents should expect to make major life decisions based solely on their wants without it affecting their kids.

The teen years can be hard, especially for girls. My family moved when I was in 8th grade. I fell in with a fast crowd trying to fit in and definitely rebelled out of anger (it wasn’t our first move). Maybe an international school will be more transient, but I moved to a place where kids had all been together since K.

Maybe I would have been a rebellious teen anyway, but the friend group I moved away from was definitely a tamer crowd, so I’m not so sure. When I married DH I made it a stipulation that we would not move once our kids hit middle school (unless absolute necessity like job loss and needing to relocate). The kids are the priority during the tween/teen years because this is such a critical time to launching them into successful adulthood. Career aspirations can wait.

Of course some kids don’t mind change and are able to easily fit into a new crowd. But behavior is communication and what OP’s daughter is communicating does not bode well for her mental health in a foreign country.

So what if your 8th grade daughter is in with the fast crowd in your lifelong hometown? You wouldn’t consider moving and hoping she could find some tamer friends? Strange.

Moving may not be the solution though, yiu need to figure out why she's choosing to do these things first

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My family (7th grade son and 9th grade daughter) are moving to Spain as soon as the school year ends. My husband and I are both from there and our kids have been there before and speak Spanish so its familiar.

My son is honestly fine with moving, he's not happy but not sad either so he's pretty neutral. My 15 year old daughter on the other hand is completely devastated. She yells at my husband and I saying we are the worst parents ever and she slams doors and doesn't come out of her room anymore unless its for dinner. She's not budging and she's known that we are moving for about 2 weeks now. She won't tell her friends or talk to relatives and doesn't really believe that we are actually moving (she keeps repeating "we aren't moving" or "I am not going" over and over again.)

My question is; will she get over this? How harmful is this for her development and feelings as we move and process this?

Based on the reaction she might not get over it. If my parents had done this to me at that age, I would still be mad at them today. She is also clearly telling you that this is harmful for her. I would listen, go to therapy and rethink the plans.

Did she even know you were considering this? Did you talk with the kids about how they would feel if it happened? Something this big should have had more buy in and not come out of left field….

You need therapy to unpack why you let your kids dictate life plans for their entire family. Don’t parentify your kids because you’re too afraid to make a decision on their behalf that’s in their best interest. THAT is actually bad parenting.

Wow, glad you feel comfortable being a jerk on an anonymous forum.

I didn’t say any of what you are assuming. BTW, no where does this person say this is in the kid’s best interest because of x,y, or z.

Kids don’t dictate life plans but if I was considering a move like this, with kids of this age, I’d at least discuss it with them as part of a family meeting. Then it wouldn’t be a shock and they would learn how to process the idea early. Could have a chance to ask questions etc. Which is how kids learn and become excited by new ideas. It’s not that hard to respect your own kids and function as a family.

You’re trying to make OP feel guilty/scared by telling her you’d resent your parents forever for making you move, and that her own daughter might not ever “get over it”… And yet you have the nerve to accuse OTHER people of being anonymous jerks?

Like I said, you need therapy.

So I need therapy because I replied truthfully and directly for an opinion they asked for? That is hilarious.

They should feel bad/guilty. That is a crappy thing to do to your kids without buy in (especially at these ages) and it doesn’t sound like they have buy in or even prepped the kids this might happen. Their replies/explanations are also callus and emotionally dismissive. So no, I am not offering blind support to the parents. And, yes, if my parents did this to me it would have damaged our relationship forever. Not going to pretend otherwise.

Don’t ask for advice or opinions that you don’t want an honest answer to. Not everyone will be supportive and in looking at the replies, most aren’t.

And you were free to scroll on by if you didn’t like what I said instead of being defensive and name calling.

By your logic, you opened yourself up for criticism by posting your opinion, so I am also free to call you out for being an over the top drama queen. Which you are. Which is why you know without any doubt that a move as a teen would have permanently damaged your relationship with your parents, despite not having actually experienced such a move. Because you know YOURSELF, and recognize deep down that you are a drama craving lunatic who would absolutely relish the opportunity to hold a grudge.

And again with the name-calling. It's nice when you can hide behind an anonymous board. I guess you are one of the parents making this move and trying to justify it to yourself. Maybe the kid will be fine, and maybe not. I wouldn't do it to my kid, and a bunch of other people on this board have discussed the harms. So I am not alone in this opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My family (7th grade son and 9th grade daughter) are moving to Spain as soon as the school year ends. My husband and I are both from there and our kids have been there before and speak Spanish so its familiar.

My son is honestly fine with moving, he's not happy but not sad either so he's pretty neutral. My 15 year old daughter on the other hand is completely devastated. She yells at my husband and I saying we are the worst parents ever and she slams doors and doesn't come out of her room anymore unless its for dinner. She's not budging and she's known that we are moving for about 2 weeks now. She won't tell her friends or talk to relatives and doesn't really believe that we are actually moving (she keeps repeating "we aren't moving" or "I am not going" over and over again.)

My question is; will she get over this? How harmful is this for her development and feelings as we move and process this?

Based on the reaction she might not get over it. If my parents had done this to me at that age, I would still be mad at them today. She is also clearly telling you that this is harmful for her. I would listen, go to therapy and rethink the plans.

Did she even know you were considering this? Did you talk with the kids about how they would feel if it happened? Something this big should have had more buy in and not come out of left field….

You need therapy to unpack why you let your kids dictate life plans for their entire family. Don’t parentify your kids because you’re too afraid to make a decision on their behalf that’s in their best interest. THAT is actually bad parenting.

DP, but basically all of parenting is making decisions with your children in consideration. That doesn’t mean they should get to “dictate” what the family does, but I also don’t think parents should expect to make major life decisions based solely on their wants without it affecting their kids.

The teen years can be hard, especially for girls. My family moved when I was in 8th grade. I fell in with a fast crowd trying to fit in and definitely rebelled out of anger (it wasn’t our first move). Maybe an international school will be more transient, but I moved to a place where kids had all been together since K.

Maybe I would have been a rebellious teen anyway, but the friend group I moved away from was definitely a tamer crowd, so I’m not so sure. When I married DH I made it a stipulation that we would not move once our kids hit middle school (unless absolute necessity like job loss and needing to relocate). The kids are the priority during the tween/teen years because this is such a critical time to launching them into successful adulthood. Career aspirations can wait.

Of course some kids don’t mind change and are able to easily fit into a new crowd. But behavior is communication and what OP’s daughter is communicating does not bode well for her mental health in a foreign country.

So what if your 8th grade daughter is in with the fast crowd in your lifelong hometown? You wouldn’t consider moving and hoping she could find some tamer friends? Strange.

Moving may not be the solution though, yiu need to figure out why she's choosing to do these things first

+1 - Need to locate the source of the underlying issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Someone told us to move while kids are in middle school or it's too late and they might hate you for it. We never moved. Don't underestimate what a big deal this is. Can she stay here and live with friends or relatives and finish out high school?

That's horrible! Separating a kid from her family most be even worse. I do agree that they should not move though.

I had a friend whose parents moved to Thailand after her freshman year of high school and she didn't want to go so she ended up becoming a boarding student at her high school.