Moving - how harmful?

[Anonymous]

I have posted this on similar threads in the past, my H was moved weeks before his senior year. His parents made him ride the shared middle school bus and they still think it’s funny. He is a social, smart adaptable guy. Doesn’t hold grudges but man, He is still angry 30 years later and he adjusted well on the outside - standout athlete, had a girlfriend and friends etc. This move was to another state and not too another country.

Any friends/relatives she could stay with?

[Anonymous]

What about refugees and political dissidents who move for their families safety? Do the kids understand that or are they like no way I like my friends

[Anonymous]

The responses on this thread are wild to me. The opportunity to live and attend school in another country is a gift (especially getting out of the US right now). Yes, your daughter has a right to be upset. You can help her grieve and deal with it. I suggest you try to give her some agency (help choose her new school? Help with house hunting) and it will help her build resilience. But this is not a traumatic life event, it is an amazing opportunity. I can’t believe how myopic some of these posts are.

[Anonymous]

The reactions about how it's going to ruin her life -- we are a State Department family and SO MANY KIDS do this in some form or another. I'm not saying she'll be fine and that's not hard, but this is not like she's turning her kid into a refugee

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Someone told us to move while kids are in middle school or it's too late and they might hate you for it. We never moved. Don't underestimate what a big deal this is. Can she stay here and live with friends or relatives and finish out high school?

Yes, but it’s unfair to ask a friend to parent a kid for three years as it’s a huge expense for them.

You’re supposed to send a check that cover expenses plus more for taking them in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The responses on this thread are wild to me. The opportunity to live and attend school in another country is a gift (especially getting out of the US right now). Yes, your daughter has a right to be upset. You can help her grieve and deal with it. I suggest you try to give her some agency (help choose her new school? Help with house hunting) and it will help her build resilience. But this is not a traumatic life event, it is an amazing opportunity. I can’t believe how myopic some of these posts are.

I’ve met many people who had to move like this as kids. While some saw it as an opportunity, most didn’t. Developmentally, high school is the worst tine to do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My family (7th grade son and 9th grade daughter) are moving to Spain as soon as the school year ends. My husband and I are both from there and our kids have been there before and speak Spanish so its familiar.

My son is honestly fine with moving, he's not happy but not sad either so he's pretty neutral. My 15 year old daughter on the other hand is completely devastated. She yells at my husband and I saying we are the worst parents ever and she slams doors and doesn't come out of her room anymore unless its for dinner. She's not budging and she's known that we are moving for about 2 weeks now. She won't tell her friends or talk to relatives and doesn't really believe that we are actually moving (she keeps repeating "we aren't moving" or "I am not going" over and over again.)

My question is; will she get over this? How harmful is this for her development and feelings as we move and process this?

The responses in this thread, have to be one of the more insane things I've read here, and that is saying a lot. Military families, State Dept families and so many more, move every 3 years and the kids are not "harmed," they thrive, experiencing new people, different cultures, etc.

OP, your kids will be just fine, and will probably thrive

Yes, they move all the time so the kids are used to it. By high school they have already moved several times. Very different than doing your first move ever as a high schooler

This, it's very different for kids who have never moved before. Also military families have support systems for moves like this that kids become accustomed to and that helps -- there is not a sense of moving alone and being expected to adjust with no help. There are usually other military families nearby and families help each other.

Also we know several State Department families who specifically chose to take DC desk jobs while their kids were in high school in order to avoid foreign postings during those years. Everyone knows that 13-18 are the hardest years for foreign moves with kids, not just because it's hard for them socially but because high is structured in a way that can make it difficult to prepare for and apply to college if you are moving around during those years, especially abroad. Does OP's kid have sports teams or extracurricular they've already invested in, that they now have to give up or start from scratch on? That's a big deal at 15 when part of that investment is targeted toward college admissions. Kids are already so stressed about college at this point, and huge disruptions during HS make it worse. Even parents in jobs where relocating is common generally understand this.

I also know some state department families where the kids greatly resent the lifestyle. It also results in higher than average rates of divorce and substance abuse, and obviously that has a major impact on kids. Don't romanticize it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The responses on this thread are wild to me. The opportunity to live and attend school in another country is a gift (especially getting out of the US right now). Yes, your daughter has a right to be upset. You can help her grieve and deal with it. I suggest you try to give her some agency (help choose her new school? Help with house hunting) and it will help her build resilience. But this is not a traumatic life event, it is an amazing opportunity. I can’t believe how myopic some of these posts are.

I’ve met many people who had to move like this as kids. While some saw it as an opportunity, most didn’t. Developmentally, high school is the worst tine to do this.

+1, even when it works out academically, the social aspects are incredibly difficult.

The families I know where a move like this has worked best, generally the families involved the kids in both the decision to move and some of the terms.

I think this would be going very differently if OP had tried to move prior to their oldest starting high school. It might still have been rocky, but the transition to high school can be a big change no matter what, so it's easier to accept a move at the same time.

[Anonymous]

They’ll he fine, OP. Talk to some military or diplomatic families instead of these drama llamas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I got a good job there and they would obviously go to an international school so I don't quite see the problem. She will make new friends and after she graduates she can do whatever she wants and live wherever she wants. My husband and I are so done with her attitude because she's insulting us and yelling at us and sleeping over at friends houses on school nights without even asking us. We just don't engage with her anymore.

This won't traumatize her right? I mean people move all the time and adjust.
Just don't know how we will get her on a plane...

That’s really cold, op. I suspect part of her acting out is how dismissive you are about her feelings here. She’s at a rough age for a move. Many military families try very hard to avoid moves when kids are this age, and will even sometimes send the military member on their own to avoid moving a high-school aged kid.

It’s a big deal, and some empathy for her feelings would be appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My family (7th grade son and 9th grade daughter) are moving to Spain as soon as the school year ends. My husband and I are both from there and our kids have been there before and speak Spanish so its familiar.

My son is honestly fine with moving, he's not happy but not sad either so he's pretty neutral. My 15 year old daughter on the other hand is completely devastated. She yells at my husband and I saying we are the worst parents ever and she slams doors and doesn't come out of her room anymore unless its for dinner. She's not budging and she's known that we are moving for about 2 weeks now. She won't tell her friends or talk to relatives and doesn't really believe that we are actually moving (she keeps repeating "we aren't moving" or "I am not going" over and over again.)

My question is; will she get over this? How harmful is this for her development and feelings as we move and process this?

The responses in this thread, have to be one of the more insane things I've read here, and that is saying a lot. Military families, State Dept families and so many more, move every 3 years and the kids are not "harmed," they thrive, experiencing new people, different cultures, etc.

OP, your kids will be just fine, and will probably thrive

Yes, they move all the time so the kids are used to it. By high school they have already moved several times. Very different than doing your first move ever as a high schooler

This, it's very different for kids who have never moved before. Also military families have support systems for moves like this that kids become accustomed to and that helps -- there is not a sense of moving alone and being expected to adjust with no help. There are usually other military families nearby and families help each other.

Also we know several State Department families who specifically chose to take DC desk jobs while their kids were in high school in order to avoid foreign postings during those years. Everyone knows that 13-18 are the hardest years for foreign moves with kids, not just because it's hard for them socially but because high is structured in a way that can make it difficult to prepare for and apply to college if you are moving around during those years, especially abroad. Does OP's kid have sports teams or extracurricular they've already invested in, that they now have to give up or start from scratch on? That's a big deal at 15 when part of that investment is targeted toward college admissions. Kids are already so stressed about college at this point, and huge disruptions during HS make it worse. Even parents in jobs where relocating is common generally understand this.

I also know some state department families where the kids greatly resent the lifestyle. It also results in higher than average rates of divorce and substance abuse, and obviously that has a major impact on kids. Don't romanticize it.

If your kids are stressed out about college at 15, you have utterly failed as a parent and are in no position to be offering advice to OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People in the military and foreign service do this ALL. THE TIME. They turn out just fine. OP, your daughter just needs time to adjust. Make sure she's aware of all the traveling adventures she will have.

We don’t all turn out just fine. For me, moving around for a parent who was always deployed anyway was a defining characteristic of my ability to form real relationships and I’ve struggled with them as an adult.
- military brat

Get some therapy, grow up, and take responsibility for your own failures in life instead of blaming your parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People in the military and foreign service do this ALL. THE TIME. They turn out just fine. OP, your daughter just needs time to adjust. Make sure she's aware of all the traveling adventures she will have.

They don't all turn out fine. Idiotic take.

Kids who never move don’t all turn out fine, either. What point do you think you’re making?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People in the military and foreign service do this ALL. THE TIME. They turn out just fine. OP, your daughter just needs time to adjust. Make sure she's aware of all the traveling adventures she will have.

We don’t all turn out just fine. For me, moving around for a parent who was always deployed anyway was a defining characteristic of my ability to form real relationships and I’ve struggled with them as an adult.
- military brat

Get some therapy, grow up, and take responsibility for your own failures in life instead of blaming your parents.

Pp isn’t blaming, they are explaining. The original pp said that military kids do this all the time and turn out fine. Pp explained that’s actually not true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People in the military and foreign service do this ALL. THE TIME. They turn out just fine. OP, your daughter just needs time to adjust. Make sure she's aware of all the traveling adventures she will have.

They don't all turn out fine. Idiotic take.

Kids who never move don’t all turn out fine, either. What point do you think you’re making?

Dp. The point is that moving in high school is rough and you can’t assume your kids will just “be fine”.