Moving - how harmful?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I got a good job there and they would obviously go to an international school so I don't quite see the problem. She will make new friends and after she graduates she can do whatever she wants and live wherever she wants. My husband and I are so done with her attitude because she's insulting us and yelling at us and sleeping over at friends houses on school nights without even asking us. We just don't engage with her anymore.

This won't traumatize her right? I mean people move all the time and adjust.
Just don't know how we will get her on a plane...

I know it's what you don't want to hear, but it might. This is a sensitive time for kids. I know of several for whom this kind of move was devastating and life changing. I also know of kids who did this and were fine, but their initial reactions were not like those you are describing. If this was a possibility, you should have been working towards setting expectations and building skills and connections for years beforehand. Springing this on her now was poor planning.

Yeah I understand but it's too late now. What do we do? We are at our wits end with her.

Keep your job here/get a different job here. What happened to your old job?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I got a good job there and they would obviously go to an international school so I don't quite see the problem. She will make new friends and after she graduates she can do whatever she wants and live wherever she wants. My husband and I are so done with her attitude because she's insulting us and yelling at us and sleeping over at friends houses on school nights without even asking us. We just don't engage with her anymore.

This won't traumatize her right? I mean people move all the time and adjust.
Just don't know how we will get her on a plane...

I know it's what you don't want to hear, but it might. This is a sensitive time for kids. I know of several for whom this kind of move was devastating and life changing. I also know of kids who did this and were fine, but their initial reactions were not like those you are describing. If this was a possibility, you should have been working towards setting expectations and building skills and connections for years beforehand. Springing this on her now was poor planning.

Yeah I understand but it's too late now. What do we do? We are at our wits end with her.

Keep your job here/get a different job here. What happened to your old job?

nothing happened to the old job. New job is just better paying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I got a good job there and they would obviously go to an international school so I don't quite see the problem. She will make new friends and after she graduates she can do whatever she wants and live wherever she wants. My husband and I are so done with her attitude because she's insulting us and yelling at us and sleeping over at friends houses on school nights without even asking us. We just don't engage with her anymore.

This won't traumatize her right? I mean people move all the time and adjust.
Just don't know how we will get her on a plane...

Well I see where she got her attitude from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I got a good job there and they would obviously go to an international school so I don't quite see the problem. She will make new friends and after she graduates she can do whatever she wants and live wherever she wants. My husband and I are so done with her attitude because she's insulting us and yelling at us and sleeping over at friends houses on school nights without even asking us. We just don't engage with her anymore.

This won't traumatize her right? I mean people move all the time and adjust.
Just don't know how we will get her on a plane...

I know it's what you don't want to hear, but it might. This is a sensitive time for kids. I know of several for whom this kind of move was devastating and life changing. I also know of kids who did this and were fine, but their initial reactions were not like those you are describing. If this was a possibility, you should have been working towards setting expectations and building skills and connections for years beforehand. Springing this on her now was poor planning.

Yeah I understand but it's too late now. What do we do? We are at our wits end with her.

I would try family therapy with a really good adolescent therapist who can help you all acknowledge that this is going to be incredibly difficult, but still work towards coming up with strategies.

I would make the effort to see if there is a friend or family member who could keep her at her school for three years. Even if it is impossible, you should honestly tell her it is very, very unlikely and then show her you are just double checking whether there is a way to make it work. Show her you are working to make things easier for her. You are on her side… as much as possible.

I am someone who is incredibly rooted. Multi generational DC native family. I’ve known people who have made these kinds of changes and I don’t really understand how they can be so flexible. It seems like such a strength, but not everyone adapts well to big changes.

[Anonymous]

Two weeks is not a lot of time. She will be ok eventually but it might take quite a while. You just need to validate her perfectly understandable feelings, ignore her bad behavior if possible, and continue on with your plan to move.

If she is still in terrible shape in a month or so you might want to get some professional help on how to manage the situation with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I got a good job there and they would obviously go to an international school so I don't quite see the problem. She will make new friends and after she graduates she can do whatever she wants and live wherever she wants. My husband and I are so done with her attitude because she's insulting us and yelling at us and sleeping over at friends houses on school nights without even asking us. We just don't engage with her anymore.

This won't traumatize her right? I mean people move all the time and adjust.
Just don't know how we will get her on a plane...

There is a big difference moving now rather than just before senior year. But your attitude towards DD is not helping. You want her to have the rational thought process and coping skills of an adult. It feels cataclysmic to her. Do you remember what it was like to be 15? How vital your peer relationships felt, how critical everything seemed? Maybe a little reading about brain development can help you support your daughter. She needs your help and compassion but you just don’t want to deal with her emotions. A move now can be ok but it’s you that need to change and make it so.

[Anonymous]

She is grieving! She needs compassion, kindness and patience. You are just going to have to be there for her no matter how painful. Give her time and space. Anger is part of her being in shock over the news. All normal. Reacting by forcing things or turning away is not going to help.

[Anonymous]

Gosh, OP, reread what you’ve written in your teen’s perspective.

“I surprised my daughter by announcing a life changing move with no notice. I valued more money over stability/continuity for my kids. When daughter was upset about it, I got annoyed.”

I’m sure there are layers of intricacies (surely you aren’t uprooting everyone to a foreign country just for more money!), but that’s how she’s going to see it. Let her grieve. Acknowledge that her pain is legitimate and this is hard and not what she would choose. She probably feels completely powerless and is looking to control what she can (going out without notifying you, etc)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My family (7th grade son and 9th grade daughter) are moving to Spain as soon as the school year ends. My husband and I are both from there and our kids have been there before and speak Spanish so its familiar.

My son is honestly fine with moving, he's not happy but not sad either so he's pretty neutral. My 15 year old daughter on the other hand is completely devastated. She yells at my husband and I saying we are the worst parents ever and she slams doors and doesn't come out of her room anymore unless its for dinner. She's not budging and she's known that we are moving for about 2 weeks now. She won't tell her friends or talk to relatives and doesn't really believe that we are actually moving (she keeps repeating "we aren't moving" or "I am not going" over and over again.)

My question is; will she get over this? How harmful is this for her development and feelings as we move and process this?

My parents moved after my 10th grade year. It changed the trajectory of my life and I never forgave them. I am now 56. I would never do this to my kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My family (7th grade son and 9th grade daughter) are moving to Spain as soon as the school year ends. My husband and I are both from there and our kids have been there before and speak Spanish so its familiar.

My son is honestly fine with moving, he's not happy but not sad either so he's pretty neutral. My 15 year old daughter on the other hand is completely devastated. She yells at my husband and I saying we are the worst parents ever and she slams doors and doesn't come out of her room anymore unless its for dinner. She's not budging and she's known that we are moving for about 2 weeks now. She won't tell her friends or talk to relatives and doesn't really believe that we are actually moving (she keeps repeating "we aren't moving" or "I am not going" over and over again.)

My question is; will she get over this? How harmful is this for her development and feelings as we move and process this?

My parents moved after my 10th grade year. It changed the trajectory of my life and I never forgave them. I am now 56. I would never do this to my kid.

I’m sorry that sounds horrible what happened?

[Anonymous]

I'm the first poster that replied and several couples warned us that if you move your child while they are in high school, they may NEVER forgive you. You are uprooting her from everything she knows and her country. Everything that goes wrong in her life during these years, she will blame YOU. I think you should turn down the job and you can make a move AFTER she graduates and goes off to college. You should make the sacrifice, not her. If you make her sacrifice and she's miserable, don't wonder why your relationship is never the same. It already sounds shaky, and this will make it worse. I think you are the one being selfish.

[Anonymous]

Are you selling your house? Is the move permanent? Or can you say: this will be for a year, then we’ll decide as a family what’s next?

Lots of kids study abroad for a year in HS, and maybe if you can honestly frame it like that, she’ll find it more palatable.

15 is a rough age for such a big change, but she’ll be fine the long run.

[Anonymous]

Yeah you don’t actually even care, you just want ideas for how to make her shut up. It’s a terrible time to move. It’s clear you’re not concerned with her feelings because you keep saying “it’s not that big a deal” and telling us you’re out at your wits end. Oh well. You made a choice that has huge impact on her and as a parent you have to absorb that emotion. You’ll have a rough go for the next 6 months at least as she finishes the year here and then processes moving and leaving her friends and missing summer here and adjusting to literally a whole new country and way of life, and that’s developmentally appropriate and to be expected. You need to quit being so cold and find some empathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I got a good job there and they would obviously go to an international school so I don't quite see the problem. She will make new friends and after she graduates she can do whatever she wants and live wherever she wants. My husband and I are so done with her attitude because she's insulting us and yelling at us and sleeping over at friends houses on school nights without even asking us. We just don't engage with her anymore.

This won't traumatize her right? I mean people move all the time and adjust.
Just don't know how we will get her on a plane...

we moved our 9th grader and she missed the beginning of high school in her new school so that sucked. it took about a year but our daughter has adjusted, she isn't quite thriving though and that has been hard for us to witness as parents, it has opened her up to new ideas and she has made a good friend and had some good experiences that are very living in europe dependent. I think you need to acknowledge that what you are doing is hard and hurtful and open up some communication with your daughter. we also planned a trip that the kids had really really wanted asap after we moved. also took the kids on a trip to do a shadow day and "sell" where we were going to live. you cant be 'done' with her attitude= you are forcing a whole person to move continents- as an adult you know this is good for you but you have to empathize and communicate the empathy with your daughter who is feeling like her life is so so out of her control. I mean you could also share stories of kids' lives being screwed over by ICE to remind her how lucky she is.

[Anonymous]

Military kids get moved every 3-4 years and turn out normally. She is upset but also over-reacting.