Moving - how harmful?
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Anonymous
| I moved around that age and went from having a great group of friends at school and my sport to no friends. I remember eating lunch in a bathroom stall on several occasions. On some level my life was never the same. Avoid if possible. |
Anonymous
Omg I said I struggled with it. And yes I worked on it and I’m not some antisocial hermit. I prioritized not doing this to my own children. But moving around a lot at that age absolutely affects how people approach relationships, and there’s tons of research suggesting that this practice is harmful for children. I’m not trying to be a dramatic victim, just challenging the earlier statement that military kids move around without negative consequences to their development. |
Anonymous
Oh really? There’s TONS of research showing that moving is HARMFUL to children? Please provide links. |
Anonymous
NP. I don't have links either but I moved around as a kid and it was absolutely extremely extremely hard. One of my siblings basically never recovered from one of the moves (in high school). |
Anonymous
Sorry for your sibling’s lack of resilience, but this anecdotal response is utterly irrelevant to the PP’s claim that there are TONS of STUDIES that prove HARM. |
Anonymous
You sound totally psycho just so you know |
Anonymous
| OP, have you considered taking your child to therapy? A good therapist will validate your child’s feelings but also give them tools to approach and potentially reframe what is for them a suboptimal event. |
Anonymous
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We moved our kids this year—boys, senior and sophomore. This has been our senior’s happiest year. Our sophomore had a lonely start, but turned it around after the holidays by figuring out the right activities to join and he’s probably now as happy as he was previously and I think next year will be even better for him.
So, it does work out sometimes. |
Anonymous
| I refused to move after my oldest child started middle school. I would never move them in high school unless we literally had no other option at all. |
Anonymous
Did you move out of the country where your kids will have to speak a language other than English and grapple with a completely different culture, or within the US? Moving within the country is a lot less traumatizing than having to move out of the country. |
Anonymous
| OMG late to the thread but why would you do this to her? This sounds awful! |
Anonymous
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I asked my kids about this over the weekend. They are 14 and 15. Said they would not want to move. They are pretty happy where they are even though they know we could live elsewhere and have a nicer yard, be near family, have other adventures, etc.
I feel confident that if for some catastrophic reasons we needed to move they would adapt, but as parents we are committed to staying put till they graduate. And my husband travels a lot internationally for work, so there are other countries that it would make sense for us to live in. My work background is international, too, and I sometimes see jobs I would love to apply for, but don’t. |
Anonymous
And you sound like you’re talking out of your @$$ trying to make OP feel bad about her life choices for some weird reason. |
Anonymous
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I think like a lot of tough experiences in childhood, a big move like this can be both good and bad. As a counselor and career coach, my observation is that people who moved as kids often have some extra life skills at a younger age, and often have a bit more self knowledge. That makes sense. A big move that forces you to adapt to a new school and surroundings, and make new friends, would expedite some skills that some people don't learn until college or after, and would require you to think self-critically to figure out where you fit into your new surroundings.
Some people clearly resent these moves and it can cause longterm pain, even as they have these skills. I think the factors that cause people to have more negative feelings are less about age and more about: (1) objective losses -- having to leave a truly supportive community like a sports team or close neighborhood friends and moving somewhere that doesn't offer those things; and (2) parents who don't make an effort to help facilitate the adjustment. Also when the move comes due to some other big loss, like a parental divorce, the death of a parent, a major job loss or downgrade in lifestyle, I think that can impact, and also makes #2 more likely because parents are distracted by other problems. Kids who succeed in this situation tend to be those who find supportive communities after the move (having a sport or other EC that they can pursue in the new place can help a lot with meeting to new friends and feeling like they belong), and to have parents who are really invested in making it work and willing to make extra effort to help their kids get settled -- spending more money on activities, paying for a therapist, attending more school and community events, joining a church, etc. Doing what it takes to make the new place feel like a true home. Also facilitating contact with old friends from the previous location so it doesn't feel like kids are being cut off, just further away. People are right that it can be a positive thing, even when the initial response from kids is negative. But you may have to do more to support a kid who is especially sad to leave, and not just assume they will figure it out or "kids are resilient." They can be, when they have the right support, but if a kid is struggling, you need to help them. |
Anonymous
Google is free, but there’s dozens of references at the end of this article to explore. You are oddly aggressive about a fairly benign topic. Nobody is saying this is child abuse. Obviously, many children navigate moves well, even in high school. And many of us who didn’t have a great experience moving are successful and mentally healthy adults. But we should acknowledge how this could affect teens such as OP’s daughter, and parents should be able to find resources to help kids navigate moves move in a healthy manner. https://tpcjournal.nbcc.org/revolving-doors-the-impact-of-multiple-school-transitions-on-military-children/ |