Moving - how harmful?

[Anonymous]

My family (7th grade son and 9th grade daughter) are moving to Spain as soon as the school year ends. My husband and I are both from there and our kids have been there before and speak Spanish so its familiar.

My son is honestly fine with moving, he's not happy but not sad either so he's pretty neutral. My 15 year old daughter on the other hand is completely devastated. She yells at my husband and I saying we are the worst parents ever and she slams doors and doesn't come out of her room anymore unless its for dinner. She's not budging and she's known that we are moving for about 2 weeks now. She won't tell her friends or talk to relatives and doesn't really believe that we are actually moving (she keeps repeating "we aren't moving" or "I am not going" over and over again.)

My question is; will she get over this? How harmful is this for her development and feelings as we move and process this?

[Anonymous]

Someone told us to move while kids are in middle school or it's too late and they might hate you for it. We never moved. Don't underestimate what a big deal this is. Can she stay here and live with friends or relatives and finish out high school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Someone told us to move while kids are in middle school or it's too late and they might hate you for it. We never moved. Don't underestimate what a big deal this is. Can she stay here and live with friends or relatives and finish out high school?

That's horrible! Separating a kid from her family most be even worse. I do agree that they should not move though.

[Anonymous]

Why do you have to move? I would not unless absolutely necessary. But if that's the case, I would be upfront with the 9th grader and empathize. If not absolutely necessary, yes I'd wait this short time.

[Anonymous]

Why are you moving?

There's a good chance she will never get over it. I know several families where it was devastating for their highschoolers and they never recovered.

[Anonymous]

How did you not realize that moving your rising HS sophomore to a different country was going to be extremely upsetting to them? Honestly unless the move was absolutely necessary I wouldn’t do it until your kids are out of HS. If they were in elementary school my answer would be different.

[Anonymous]

Moving in middle of high school to a country where you are not 100% proficient at the language is terrible. I hope she’ll go to an American high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Someone told us to move while kids are in middle school or it's too late and they might hate you for it. We never moved. Don't underestimate what a big deal this is. Can she stay here and live with friends or relatives and finish out high school?

Yes, but it’s unfair to ask a friend to parent a kid for three years as it’s a huge expense for them.

[Anonymous]

I got a good job there and they would obviously go to an international school so I don't quite see the problem. She will make new friends and after she graduates she can do whatever she wants and live wherever she wants. My husband and I are so done with her attitude because she's insulting us and yelling at us and sleeping over at friends houses on school nights without even asking us. We just don't engage with her anymore.

This won't traumatize her right? I mean people move all the time and adjust.
Just don't know how we will get her on a plane...

[Anonymous]

Life happens. Do what it takes to get them on board. Go to therapy. Get her a horse. They may thank you for saving their lives with the move one day.

[Anonymous]

I moved sophomore year of high school and it was totally fine.

It's not a traumatic event, though it can be very challenging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I got a good job there and they would obviously go to an international school so I don't quite see the problem. She will make new friends and after she graduates she can do whatever she wants and live wherever she wants. My husband and I are so done with her attitude because she's insulting us and yelling at us and sleeping over at friends houses on school nights without even asking us. We just don't engage with her anymore.

This won't traumatize her right? I mean people move all the time and adjust.
Just don't know how we will get her on a plane...

I know it's what you don't want to hear, but it might. This is a sensitive time for kids. I know of several for whom this kind of move was devastating and life changing. I also know of kids who did this and were fine, but their initial reactions were not like those you are describing. If this was a possibility, you should have been working towards setting expectations and building skills and connections for years beforehand. Springing this on her now was poor planning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I got a good job there and they would obviously go to an international school so I don't quite see the problem. She will make new friends and after she graduates she can do whatever she wants and live wherever she wants. My husband and I are so done with her attitude because she's insulting us and yelling at us and sleeping over at friends houses on school nights without even asking us. We just don't engage with her anymore.

This won't traumatize her right? I mean people move all the time and adjust.
Just don't know how we will get her on a plane...

I know it's what you don't want to hear, but it might. This is a sensitive time for kids. I know of several for whom this kind of move was devastating and life changing. I also know of kids who did this and were fine, but their initial reactions were not like those you are describing. If this was a possibility, you should have been working towards setting expectations and building skills and connections for years beforehand. Springing this on her now was poor planning.

Yeah I understand but it's too late now. What do we do? We are at our wits end with her.

[Anonymous]

America is a shit show right now. Assuming you are right leaning and so is your kid help her pivot this into a … I hate to use the word cool but in this case, cool.. escape from fascist America type journey

[Anonymous]

Acknowledge that it might be suboptimal or even rough for her, but tell her she has to do it anyway and then just let her rage. I mean, within reason, she can’t act out however she wants but she can be sad/angry, that seems reasonable.