Moving - how harmful?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is a trauma event. Don’t be so sure that it won’t also be harming your son. He may act like he doesn’t care but some kids hide and can’t process their emotions.

If this is a lark because you’ve watched House Hunters International and want to be an expat, just wait until your son graduates. If this is your only job opportunity and it’s the only way to keep your family clothes and fed then get both kids therapy stat.

Therapy will help them process their pain, let them be heard and give them tools to manage. I’d recommend CBT rather than talk therapy. Find someone who will do it remotely so you can keep it up if needed when you move. Good luck!

You people are so ridiculously over the top dramatic it’s actually unhinged.

Is moving difficult? Yes. Will there be a rough adjustment period? Absolutely. Is it traumatic? Not unless there are other issues.

OP should obviously be more sensitive to her daughter’s feelings, but she is NOT going to irreparably harm her by moving. That’s an insane take.

Smart, caring parents are jumping on the opportunity to move their families out of the failing empire that is the United States.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is a trauma event. Don’t be so sure that it won’t also be harming your son. He may act like he doesn’t care but some kids hide and can’t process their emotions.

If this is a lark because you’ve watched House Hunters International and want to be an expat, just wait until your son graduates. If this is your only job opportunity and it’s the only way to keep your family clothes and fed then get both kids therapy stat.

Therapy will help them process their pain, let them be heard and give them tools to manage. I’d recommend CBT rather than talk therapy. Find someone who will do it remotely so you can keep it up if needed when you move. Good luck!

You people are so ridiculously over the top dramatic it’s actually unhinged.

Is moving difficult? Yes. Will there be a rough adjustment period? Absolutely. Is it traumatic? Not unless there are other issues.

OP should obviously be more sensitive to her daughter’s feelings, but she is NOT going to irreparably harm her by moving. That’s an insane take.

Smart, caring parents are jumping on the opportunity to move their families out of the failing empire that is the United States.

It is a trauma event. Saying they will get over it doesn’t make it less traumatic, just prolongs the pain and repercussions. Divorce is also a trauma event.
The sooner people start recognizing trauma, the more likely the kid can get help to process it and move on.

[Anonymous]

This is less an issue about the move itself and how you prepared them for it. Was this a long-coming decision that was thoroughly talked about so she feels some kind of agency and was able to prepare psychologically? When we moved with our 8 and 10 year old we talked about it with them for more than a year. If you just flung it on her out of the blue I can see how it would be an issue. I moved a lot as a kid and I actually liked my move at 16 to my home country the best even though I was originally very much against it. But I am traumatized in general from all the moving so YMMV.

[Anonymous]

“When teens throw temper tantrums, it's a parenting failure. That doesn't mean you should base all life decision around what will cause a temper tantrum. It means you've made a mistake in parenting that a major life decision in the family results in a temper tantrum instead of calm communication.”

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Im the poster who thinks this an amazing opportunity, not a tragedy. I’m basing this on the assumption that your children will be attending an international school. These schools are used to students coming and going, they prioritize building community and helping new students feel settled.
Those of you that were traumatized by a move in high school - I’m guessing you moved domestically, to another school where everyone attended together since kindergarten. It’s really not like that in international schools, or at least the many international schools around the world
that I have moved my own children in and out of. Yes, it is hard to start over, but they are not the only ones.

Gawd you sound like a clueless selfish parent. You have moved your kid but you yourself have not moved as a kid. Why do you assume people one here only moved domestically? I moved to five countries in two continents as a kid, attending international schools. Building community is not something you can magically “arrange” with a bunch of picnics.

[Anonymous]

I moved 45 minutes away from where I grew up when I was a sophomore because my mom remarried. The hardest part was making new friends in a community where kids had grown up together. I made some, but only kept in touch with one later on. The friendships weren’t that deep. I didn’t get to keep friends from where I grew up because it was too far to get together regularly and this was pre-drivers license and cell phones. I still wish we hadn’t moved (and my mom thinks it was a mistake). I don’t know about the word “trauma”, but I definitely felt a disorienting and long-term difficulty with friendships because of the move. I agree with others who suggest getting both kids a therapist. They need an adult to help them process this, and that adult may not be able to be you. Having a “get over it” attitude may result in them being distant from you through high school and as young adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“When teens throw temper tantrums, it's a parenting failure. That doesn't mean you should base all life decision around what will cause a temper tantrum. It means you've made a mistake in parenting that a major life decision in the family results in a temper tantrum instead of calm communication.”

This.

Why’d you make me hit you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I moved 45 minutes away from where I grew up when I was a sophomore because my mom remarried. The hardest part was making new friends in a community where kids had grown up together. I made some, but only kept in touch with one later on. The friendships weren’t that deep. I didn’t get to keep friends from where I grew up because it was too far to get together regularly and this was pre-drivers license and cell phones. I still wish we hadn’t moved (and my mom thinks it was a mistake). I don’t know about the word “trauma”, but I definitely felt a disorienting and long-term difficulty with friendships because of the move. I agree with others who suggest getting both kids a therapist. They need an adult to help them process this, and that adult may not be able to be you. Having a “get over it” attitude may result in them being distant from you through high school and as young adults.

Oh please. I was born and raised in the same community. Went to school with the same people K-12 and guess how many I'm in touch with now? ZERO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My family (7th grade son and 9th grade daughter) are moving to Spain as soon as the school year ends. My husband and I are both from there and our kids have been there before and speak Spanish so its familiar.

My son is honestly fine with moving, he's not happy but not sad either so he's pretty neutral. My 15 year old daughter on the other hand is completely devastated. She yells at my husband and I saying we are the worst parents ever and she slams doors and doesn't come out of her room anymore unless its for dinner. She's not budging and she's known that we are moving for about 2 weeks now. She won't tell her friends or talk to relatives and doesn't really believe that we are actually moving (she keeps repeating "we aren't moving" or "I am not going" over and over again.)

My question is; will she get over this? How harmful is this for her development and feelings as we move and process this?

Based on the reaction she might not get over it. If my parents had done this to me at that age, I would still be mad at them today. She is also clearly telling you that this is harmful for her. I would listen, go to therapy and rethink the plans.

Did she even know you were considering this? Did you talk with the kids about how they would feel if it happened? Something this big should have had more buy in and not come out of left field….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My family (7th grade son and 9th grade daughter) are moving to Spain as soon as the school year ends. My husband and I are both from there and our kids have been there before and speak Spanish so its familiar.

My son is honestly fine with moving, he's not happy but not sad either so he's pretty neutral. My 15 year old daughter on the other hand is completely devastated. She yells at my husband and I saying we are the worst parents ever and she slams doors and doesn't come out of her room anymore unless its for dinner. She's not budging and she's known that we are moving for about 2 weeks now. She won't tell her friends or talk to relatives and doesn't really believe that we are actually moving (she keeps repeating "we aren't moving" or "I am not going" over and over again.)

My question is; will she get over this? How harmful is this for her development and feelings as we move and process this?

Based on the reaction she might not get over it. If my parents had done this to me at that age, I would still be mad at them today. She is also clearly telling you that this is harmful for her. I would listen, go to therapy and rethink the plans.

Did she even know you were considering this? Did you talk with the kids about how they would feel if it happened? Something this big should have had more buy in and not come out of left field….

You need therapy to unpack why you let your kids dictate life plans for their entire family. Don’t parentify your kids because you’re too afraid to make a decision on their behalf that’s in their best interest. THAT is actually bad parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My family (7th grade son and 9th grade daughter) are moving to Spain as soon as the school year ends. My husband and I are both from there and our kids have been there before and speak Spanish so its familiar.

My son is honestly fine with moving, he's not happy but not sad either so he's pretty neutral. My 15 year old daughter on the other hand is completely devastated. She yells at my husband and I saying we are the worst parents ever and she slams doors and doesn't come out of her room anymore unless its for dinner. She's not budging and she's known that we are moving for about 2 weeks now. She won't tell her friends or talk to relatives and doesn't really believe that we are actually moving (she keeps repeating "we aren't moving" or "I am not going" over and over again.)

My question is; will she get over this? How harmful is this for her development and feelings as we move and process this?

Based on the reaction she might not get over it. If my parents had done this to me at that age, I would still be mad at them today. She is also clearly telling you that this is harmful for her. I would listen, go to therapy and rethink the plans.

Did she even know you were considering this? Did you talk with the kids about how they would feel if it happened? Something this big should have had more buy in and not come out of left field….

You need therapy to unpack why you let your kids dictate life plans for their entire family. Don’t parentify your kids because you’re too afraid to make a decision on their behalf that’s in their best interest. THAT is actually bad parenting.

Wow, glad you feel comfortable being a jerk on an anonymous forum.

I didn’t say any of what you are assuming. BTW, no where does this person say this is in the kid’s best interest because of x,y, or z.

Kids don’t dictate life plans but if I was considering a move like this, with kids of this age, I’d at least discuss it with them as part of a family meeting. Then it wouldn’t be a shock and they would learn how to process the idea early. Could have a chance to ask questions etc. Which is how kids learn and become excited by new ideas. It’s not that hard to respect your own kids and function as a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I moved 45 minutes away from where I grew up when I was a sophomore because my mom remarried. The hardest part was making new friends in a community where kids had grown up together. I made some, but only kept in touch with one later on. The friendships weren’t that deep. I didn’t get to keep friends from where I grew up because it was too far to get together regularly and this was pre-drivers license and cell phones. I still wish we hadn’t moved (and my mom thinks it was a mistake). I don’t know about the word “trauma”, but I definitely felt a disorienting and long-term difficulty with friendships because of the move. I agree with others who suggest getting both kids a therapist. They need an adult to help them process this, and that adult may not be able to be you. Having a “get over it” attitude may result in them being distant from you through high school and as young adults.

Oh please. I was born and raised in the same community. Went to school with the same people K-12 and guess how many I'm in touch with now? ZERO.

Same here.

Meanwhile my husband who moved in high school has dozens of friends from both his old school and new school that he regularly texts with/calls/visits. It’s personality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I moved 45 minutes away from where I grew up when I was a sophomore because my mom remarried. The hardest part was making new friends in a community where kids had grown up together. I made some, but only kept in touch with one later on. The friendships weren’t that deep. I didn’t get to keep friends from where I grew up because it was too far to get together regularly and this was pre-drivers license and cell phones. I still wish we hadn’t moved (and my mom thinks it was a mistake). I don’t know about the word “trauma”, but I definitely felt a disorienting and long-term difficulty with friendships because of the move. I agree with others who suggest getting both kids a therapist. They need an adult to help them process this, and that adult may not be able to be you. Having a “get over it” attitude may result in them being distant from you through high school and as young adults.

Oh please. I was born and raised in the same community. Went to school with the same people K-12 and guess how many I'm in touch with now? ZERO.

Same here.

Meanwhile my husband who moved in high school has dozens of friends from both his old school and new school that he regularly texts with/calls/visits. It’s personality.

Why do ppl always say things like this? I grew up like this and it was a great way to grow up, underrated really. Im not close to many now, but I also dont do alot of things I did growing up because im an adult now. Doesn't they weren't import or a good thing growing up. This situation would be far different if it was a move that was absolutely necessary with no other options, but its not.

[Anonymous]

Literally thousands of military kids get moved in HS. Vast majority do NOT find it traumatic and the few who do likely had other unrelated susceptibilities a priori.

This whole thread is nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Literally thousands of military kids get moved in HS. Vast majority do NOT find it traumatic and the few who do likely had other unrelated susceptibilities a priori.

This whole thread is nuts.

I grew up a military brat. One move was in the middle of my sophomore year. Back then, I was incredibly shy. I met my best friend that year. Now, 39 years later, we are still best friends. Looking back, I'm glad for all those experiences; they helped me grow and come out of my shell.

Unless there are unusual circumstances, the kids will be fine. The idea that the kids will be traumatized seems like an overreaction.