Aging parents who refuse to move

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this current elderly generation is going to shape how all of us plan for our own eventual demise. I will never put my kids through this, I’ll move somewhere suitable while I’m still able to enjoy all the offerings those places charge for. For people who really didn’t seem to want to be a burden earlier in their lives to be so selfish as they age is just mind boggling.

I know someone out there is going to call me an ungrateful jerk who hates their parents or something similar but I’m living in the front lines and have been for almost ten years. I can feel what I feel about the situation.

You're not going to do better. Everyone thinks they will. Everyone says they'll kill themselves. A friend's mom did this after her kids begged her not to. It created another host of problems and resentment.

I understand it's hard, I've been there. But, it's better to face the reality that people don't like change and having agency gives life purpose -- there are numerous studies showing this. Even just acknowledging this creates a shift in your mind. You also don't need to feel guilty about the consequences of your parents' actions.

Most people are just trying their best, including you and your parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We forget that our elderly parents are grown adults. All you can do is tell them how you feel and then leave them to make their own decisions. That's it. There will be consequences they have to face.

Elderly parents forget their kids have busy lives and the stress and anxiety of catching flights for every emergency is soul-crushing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this current elderly generation is going to shape how all of us plan for our own eventual demise. I will never put my kids through this, I’ll move somewhere suitable while I’m still able to enjoy all the offerings those places charge for. For people who really didn’t seem to want to be a burden earlier in their lives to be so selfish as they age is just mind boggling.

I know someone out there is going to call me an ungrateful jerk who hates their parents or something similar but I’m living in the front lines and have been for almost ten years. I can feel what I feel about the situation.

You're not going to do better. Everyone thinks they will. Everyone says they'll kill themselves. A friend's mom did this after her kids begged her not to. It created another host of problems and resentment.

I understand it's hard, I've been there. But, it's better to face the reality that people don't like change and having agency gives life purpose -- there are numerous studies showing this. Even just acknowledging this creates a shift in your mind. You also don't need to feel guilty about the consequences of your parents' actions.

Most people are just trying their best, including you and your parents.

Both my aunts did better. They were stuck being the responsible adult sibling. They saw what it did to their health, their marriages, their stress levels dealing with rigid and self-centered elderly. one moved to an over 55 until ready for AL with spouse. The other moved to CCRC. My friend's inlaws did it too-CCRC. It kept siblings getting along and happy to visit the parents. If you care about people other than yourself, you do what is best for the family system, not just me,me.me. In my family it's the same ones who were conveniently missing for their own parents, who expect the world to revolve around their needs as they age. They flip out when after the 6th emergency, you cannot keep doing this because you have a job to keep, children acting out and you have a laundry list of doctor appointments to find out why you suddenly have debilitating symptoms.