Aging parents who refuse to move

[Anonymous]

I have a similar situation, and it's very difficult. Between all the stairs Mom can't navigate safely, and the broken furniture she insists are treasures, and the piles of books and magazines and other belongings that gets furious if someone moves, the situation is absolutely unsafe. It's also unsanitary.

If we had a competence hearing, I'm not sure she'd be found to be competent. But she 100% believes she is. So what to do?

(No, like actually: what should I do?)

[Anonymous]

^ do you have siblings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a similar situation, and it's very difficult. Between all the stairs Mom can't navigate safely, and the broken furniture she insists are treasures, and the piles of books and magazines and other belongings that gets furious if someone moves, the situation is absolutely unsafe. It's also unsanitary.

If we had a competence hearing, I'm not sure she'd be found to be competent. But she 100% believes she is. So what to do?

(No, like actually: what should I do?)

NP in a similar situation, mom is out of state. I visited and tried to clean up, which went poorly. It's sad but my best hope is that the current situation continues for as long as possible, because they only way she's moving is if she gets hurt and has to enter a facility. Her choice to make, unfortunately.

I had to distance myself from it, because I used to be quite angry that she has created this very avoidable situation where a traumatic emergency move (at best) seems inevitable. I started talking with her about moving over 15 years ago. I no longer talk about it and I also no longer visit: we meet up outside the house.

[Anonymous]

pp again. I ask re: siblings because you join forces and over time, you make it happen. If several known-to-be-reasonble adult children all agree, "Mom do you like this place or this other place?"

All the research that was needed has been done. It's not endless talking. You recognize, that due to the elder's age and condition, you (singular or plural), are now the competent adult in the room and are entirely responsible for their safety, making all decision the best you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:pp again. I ask re: siblings because you join forces and over time, you make it happen. If several known-to-be-reasonble adult children all agree, "Mom do you like this place or this other place?"

All the research that was needed has been done. It's not endless talking. You recognize, that due to the elder's age and condition, you (singular or plural), are now the competent adult in the room and are entirely responsible for their safety, making all decision the best you can.

NP here. My mom would say to us “Thank you all for doing the research. I’ll think about it.” When asked about it later, she’d say “I’m still thinking about it.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:pp again. I ask re: siblings because you join forces and over time, you make it happen. If several known-to-be-reasonble adult children all agree, "Mom do you like this place or this other place?"

All the research that was needed has been done. It's not endless talking. You recognize, that due to the elder's age and condition, you (singular or plural), are now the competent adult in the room and are entirely responsible for their safety, making all decision the best you can.

NP here. My mom would say to us “Thank you all for doing the research. I’ll think about it.” When asked about it later, she’d say “I’m still thinking about it.”

There is a certain age...70-75ish in my history...where if your parents have not actually taken action, then they never will take action. Just analysis paralysis.

At that point, you need to stop worrying about it. All you can do is identify a place that will take one or both parents when something really bad happens, but otherwise, put your mind to rest.

[Anonymous]

Unless they truly are not competent to make their own decisions, all you can do is explain to them how things will work if they don’t make any end of life arrangements, let them know you’re making a standing offer to help them make such arrangements, and then accept their decision.

Be very frank: 100% of us will die eventually. You’ll either have the mental and physical capacity to live independently right up to the day you die or you won’t have that capacity and will require care. You can choose from care options now, while you are still able, and for the eventual disposition of your property OR you can make no plans and arrangements, in which case someone else will choose your care solution (if needed) and dispose of your property as they see fit. You can make these choices yourself or cede all control to someone else. Do you want to have control?

[Anonymous]

Same issue here. My parents have lived in the same house for 50+ years and don’t have any plans to move. They’ve talked about it over the years (threatening to move over politics usually saying “we need to wait and see what happens with the governors race,” stuff like that). But it was all talk. Now it’s just inertia. They’ve never known anything else nor have had any big dreams. They still brag about the good school district my siblings and I went to as if they still have kids there— it’s been 30 years since the last one of us graduated. I do wonder if they stay there because they live in the past.

OP, do you think they stay because they genuinely like the house and memories or they just literally don’t know what else to do with themselves? In either situation they probably won’t move into life makes them move. I wish mine would’ve moved years ago— visiting is a nightmare because of how far they are from the airport, traffic, cost of renting a car and lack of much to do. They should let a family with kids benefit from the schools but for whatever reason, they’re staying put.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same issue here. My parents have lived in the same house for 50+ years and don’t have any plans to move. They’ve talked about it over the years (threatening to move over politics usually saying “we need to wait and see what happens with the governors race,” stuff like that). But it was all talk. Now it’s just inertia. They’ve never known anything else nor have had any big dreams. They still brag about the good school district my siblings and I went to as if they still have kids there— it’s been 30 years since the last one of us graduated. I do wonder if they stay there because they live in the past.

OP, do you think they stay because they genuinely like the house and memories or they just literally don’t know what else to do with themselves? In either situation they probably won’t move into life makes them move. I wish mine would’ve moved years ago— visiting is a nightmare because of how far they are from the airport, traffic, cost of renting a car and lack of much to do. They should let a family with kids benefit from the schools but for whatever reason, they’re staying put.

My parents are so much like this it's scary- are you my sibling? I told my mom to just move to a red state and enjoy like-minded company, but she's never going to do it (even though I think the weather would be better for her, and she could get into a nice condo that might be more social- although she's not a joiner. She circles the drain on moving- and has for years- but nothing ever happens until there is some big dramatic emergency.

[Anonymous]

I think this current elderly generation is going to shape how all of us plan for our own eventual demise. I will never put my kids through this, I’ll move somewhere suitable while I’m still able to enjoy all the offerings those places charge for. For people who really didn’t seem to want to be a burden earlier in their lives to be so selfish as they age is just mind boggling.

I know someone out there is going to call me an ungrateful jerk who hates their parents or something similar but I’m living in the front lines and have been for almost ten years. I can feel what I feel about the situation.

[Anonymous]

I'm just curious, are you showing these elders places that are suitable? I'm probably in your parent's situation.

[Anonymous]

You can call area agency on aging, share your concerns, and they will do a visit and force change. But they do take over, and they will expect you to accept some level of responsibility to aid them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this current elderly generation is going to shape how all of us plan for our own eventual demise. I will never put my kids through this, I’ll move somewhere suitable while I’m still able to enjoy all the offerings those places charge for. For people who really didn’t seem to want to be a burden earlier in their lives to be so selfish as they age is just mind boggling.

I know someone out there is going to call me an ungrateful jerk who hates their parents or something similar but I’m living in the front lines and have been for almost ten years. I can feel what I feel about the situation.

I completely understand. It’s horrible what we are being put through. I can barely work a few hours a week, live in poverty, and never get a day off. If I hire caregivers they get sent away. I’ve tried two facilities and they got sent home for bad behavior. I’ve put my life on hold and for how long??

[Anonymous]

We forget that our elderly parents are grown adults. All you can do is tell them how you feel and then leave them to make their own decisions. That's it. There will be consequences they have to face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It boggles my mind that people want to protect their parents' assets and condemn them to a Medicaid nursing home (if they qualify) rather than use their assets to have a decent end of life.

I get someone being forced into a Medicaid nursing home if they have no money, but that kids want to preserve the money for themselves truly astounds me at the selfishness.

I think all LTC/skilled nursing facilities are sad and depressing so it doesn’t matter much.

This is simply not true. If you can afford to pay for skilled nursing, they can be much better than a Medicaid bed.

Moreover, Medicaid is for poor elderly. Not elderly whose kids disperse their parents five years out from potential death.

You are awful.

A better option is of course to receive caregiver hours from the state (some states have those age in place options).
My parents don’t have any money anyway, but it baffles me how there is no generational wealth concept anymore. Everything is spent on eldercare or blown in casinos or on cruises.

My parents have some money and I am lucky they are not blowing it in casinos but they seem determined that we don’t see a single dollar of it until they are both dead, which if family history is any indication will be when we ourselves are mid 60s. I know for a fact that their own parents gave them money as a young couple and put money in our college funds throughout our childhoods. Oh well.