Aging parents who refuse to move

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP why is your wanting them to move before they are 80 a "lack of planning?"

I can't imagine telling my 79yo mother to move. Or, even my 88yo MIL.

Maybe because they can’t take care of the house anymore? It has lots of stairs that aren’t safe? They can’t keep up with housework?

Hire help for them.

Sorry but why would I pay for someone to take care of the home I don’t want them in anyway? It costs way more to maintain a 5 br house and a large yard than a condo…

I’m not sure about that. Condo fees in this area are expensive. Why don’t you actually do the math.

Depends on the condo, and also you have to compare true apples-to-apples. If you select a basic condo without any fancy amenities, then you can find reasonable condo fees. Remember, those fees cover homeowners' insurance (you just need to insure your contents with renter's insurance), all exterior maintenance, trash (for areas where this is charged in addition to property tax), etc.

Obviously, the difference in this situation is it doesn't actually cost much to maintain a 5 BR house...if you decide you aren't going to maintain it. You pay for it in decreasing the market value of the house. There was a house in our neighborhood that was in horrible shape...gutters falling off, tree branches literally growing into the roof, cracks in the foundation. An elderly woman lived there alone and did zero maintenance. The house was sold to a developer for like $750k vs. a similar house in good shape that sold for like $1.75MM.

[Anonymous]

Can I ask a question here about financials? Sorry if this sounds dense but we are just starting this journey.

What are the financial implications here and options for peoples parents who have not done any forward thinking or saving? If they continue to let the house deteriorate and are forced to sell it way under market value, I fear they will have few financial resources left for later life care.

It’s easy to say “just let them do what they’re going to do” but what if down the road something like dementia care is needed (there’s a family history) and they have used a large portion of their resources to stay in a large home they no longer need? This weighs heavily on my mind in addition to the physical concerns.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP why is your wanting them to move before they are 80 a "lack of planning?"

I can't imagine telling my 79yo mother to move. Or, even my 88yo MIL.

Maybe because they can’t take care of the house anymore? It has lots of stairs that aren’t safe? They can’t keep up with housework?

Hire help for them.

Sorry but why would I pay for someone to take care of the home I don’t want them in anyway? It costs way more to maintain a 5 br house and a large yard than a condo…

I’m not sure about that. Condo fees in this area are expensive. Why don’t you actually do the math.

Depends on the condo, and also you have to compare true apples-to-apples. If you select a basic condo without any fancy amenities, then you can find reasonable condo fees. Remember, those fees cover homeowners' insurance (you just need to insure your contents with renter's insurance), all exterior maintenance, trash (for areas where this is charged in addition to property tax), etc.

Obviously, the difference in this situation is it doesn't actually cost much to maintain a 5 BR house...if you decide you aren't going to maintain it. You pay for it in decreasing the market value of the house. There was a house in our neighborhood that was in horrible shape...gutters falling off, tree branches literally growing into the roof, cracks in the foundation. An elderly woman lived there alone and did zero maintenance. The house was sold to a developer for like $750k vs. a similar house in good shape that sold for like $1.75MM.

Lived in a condo and had a special assessment of $35K.

Also, funny how you want to put them in the cheapest condo with no amenities. I guess that works for you.

[Anonymous]

I would concentrate on house repairs (using their money), organize everything and make sure the house is in decent shape.
Don’t think about the rest yet. Let them stay there as long as they can, it’s your inheritance after all. Hire some help as needed (the barely up the stairs parent needs to have a bed downstairs). First they’ll probably need grocery delivery and rides, then cleaning and then physical help.
You are lucky they aren’t somewhere in the boonies at least

[Anonymous]

The only thing that has ever worked for me is talking about how making a decision to move maximizes autonomy and control, but if you have a crisis you go where there is a bed available.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would concentrate on house repairs (using their money), organize everything and make sure the house is in decent shape.
Don’t think about the rest yet. Let them stay there as long as they can, it’s your inheritance after all. Hire some help as needed (the barely up the stairs parent needs to have a bed downstairs). First they’ll probably need grocery delivery and rides, then cleaning and then physical help.
You are lucky they aren’t somewhere in the boonies at least

How would you do this with their money if they refuse to use their money for this? There will be zero inheritance I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can I ask a question here about financials? Sorry if this sounds dense but we are just starting this journey.

What are the financial implications here and options for peoples parents who have not done any forward thinking or saving? If they continue to let the house deteriorate and are forced to sell it way under market value, I fear they will have few financial resources left for later life care.

It’s easy to say “just let them do what they’re going to do” but what if down the road something like dementia care is needed (there’s a family history) and they have used a large portion of their resources to stay in a large home they no longer need? This weighs heavily on my mind in addition to the physical concerns.

You try to protect their assets and put them on Medicaid if possible

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would concentrate on house repairs (using their money), organize everything and make sure the house is in decent shape.
Don’t think about the rest yet. Let them stay there as long as they can, it’s your inheritance after all. Hire some help as needed (the barely up the stairs parent needs to have a bed downstairs). First they’ll probably need grocery delivery and rides, then cleaning and then physical help.
You are lucky they aren’t somewhere in the boonies at least

How would you do this with their money if they refuse to use their money for this? There will be zero inheritance I know.

I only read the OP, there was nothing about them refusing to use their money.
If they aren’t letting you manage their finances and make bad decisions and you don’t expect any inheritance I would just distance myself (and I did).
My parent died in pretty bad conditions but it was her choice, she preferred it to letting her children help her. We still got that very dilapidated house on a cheap market but it wasn’t worth much. I am relieved it’s finally over (it’s been a few years).

[Anonymous]

Seems like it would make more sense to rent than buy a condo.

[Anonymous]

This group is great:

https://agingnetworkservices.com/our-dedicated-team

[Anonymous]

It boggles my mind that people want to protect their parents' assets and condemn them to a Medicaid nursing home (if they qualify) rather than use their assets to have a decent end of life.

I get someone being forced into a Medicaid nursing home if they have no money, but that kids want to preserve the money for themselves truly astounds me at the selfishness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seniors have agency and free will to decide where they want to live.

If they both die simply sell the house as is. Call an estate auction house. They will clean out the house.

I've settled one estate that did not have a will. It was not a big deal. The State law governed the distribution percentages to family.

I have one 78 year old and one 86 year old in houses on my street. Neither has any plans for moving. They are happy living in their homes.

If only it were this simple! People rarely "just die." They decline slowly and with increasing medical needs, so they need new living arrangements. It's not as simple as house---->grave.

It was happening to my mom, with dad just watching it and pretending everything is handy dandy and chill. She refused any and all house improvements and basically ruined the house. She also refused any medical help. I spoke to a psychiatrist and she said off the record that either I leave her be or I engage in a drawn out, highly emotional battle of trying to commit her as a danger to herself with unknown outcome. I chose to distance myself. At least she didn’t linger too much on this earth. Sad but it was of her choosing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It boggles my mind that people want to protect their parents' assets and condemn them to a Medicaid nursing home (if they qualify) rather than use their assets to have a decent end of life.

I get someone being forced into a Medicaid nursing home if they have no money, but that kids want to preserve the money for themselves truly astounds me at the selfishness.

I think all LTC/skilled nursing facilities are sad and depressing so it doesn’t matter much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It boggles my mind that people want to protect their parents' assets and condemn them to a Medicaid nursing home (if they qualify) rather than use their assets to have a decent end of life.

I get someone being forced into a Medicaid nursing home if they have no money, but that kids want to preserve the money for themselves truly astounds me at the selfishness.

You don't get it. To qualify, the seniors in question are REQUIRED to spend down their assets. So the first few years they're paying, and then when they can't pay, they're allowed to stay thanks to Medicaid.

Unless you come up with a sneaky plan YEARS IN ADVANCE - because the nursing homes check prior assets several years back! - you cannot transfer wealth to relatives to avoid spending down assets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Similar situation, including the house in Bethesda falling apart. And it had steep steps just to get into the house, plus stairs in the house. We did tours with my mother of condo places and independent living places. It helped to see the options. Money not an issue but she was stuck on staying in her "free" house (which of course was only free because she wasn't maintaining it and we had to price it low to sell).

It took her several more years to decide it was time and she moved at around 84. Doing the earlier visits helped to hone in quickly on what she wanted.

Would she be receptive to funding repairs if you managed the work? Just curious
-not OP