Aging parents who refuse to move

[Anonymous]

Looking to vent but also thoughts/resources to possibly help with an increasingly frustrating situation:

My parents are approaching 80 and still live in the home I grew up in. A 5 bedroom house in Bethesda with a sizable yard. The house is slowly but surely deteriorating yet they refuse to even consider a move. Furthermore, neither parent is in great health and one in particular has terrible mobility and can barely use the stairs.

Without going into too many details, I also know it would benefit their long term planning (of which there is virtually none) to have money from the home sale. Their house is in a desirable neighborhood and well suited for a family.

How do we approach this? I am close with them and feel like I would need to help if something were to happen, but also feel increasingly resentful of their lack of planning and the burden it will place on my own family. The status quo means I will be largely responsible for figuring out their housing, finances, and more.

Are there counselors or resources to help in this situation? What if my parents still refuse to meet with one and/or any sort of will or estate planner?

[Anonymous]

My parents want to see themselves as willing to anything for me and their grandkids. So I framed it as “I would feel more comfortable if you met with someone……I need you to talk to a lawyer…. The grandkids want you to..”

And “I just met with this great guy” so it isn’t about me seeing them as old- they don’t want to be viewed as old and frail so if I do it at my age, that makes it easier


With a little thrown in about “a friend’s parents didn’t plan and the federal government took everything in taxes! You don’t want that!” - the IRS can be a good bogeyman lol

[Anonymous]

Deep breaths. Lots of people here have been through this and you'll get good advice here.

It's really not worth fighting with them. It doesn't work. Pull back your helpfulness and let them experience natural consequences for a while. That may help, and it will save you some hassle.

Here's what you can do to ease the anxiety and be prepared. Get anything that belongs to you out of the house and dealt with. Remember that dealing with their stuff will be 100000x easier if you wait until you don't have to fight them. Save up your vacation time and try to save money. Become familiar with what their health plan covers and what the short-term rehab and home health services are in the area-- make a short list of a few that have decent ratings.

[Anonymous]

I told my mom that advance planning is key to maximize what Medicare covers. Wouldn't it be sad if she had to pay out of pocket for something that could have been covered? In an amazing coincidence, I happen to know of a very well recommended financial planner who specializes in this area. We can get on his waitlist. Oh look, an appointment came up!

[Anonymous]

OP why is your wanting them to move before they are 80 a "lack of planning?"

I can't imagine telling my 79yo mother to move. Or, even my 88yo MIL.

[Anonymous]

My parent had to go through a pretty significant healthcare which we helped with, but then navigating at home after recovery was a lot more work than they realized. They haven’t yet gotten to the point where they’re open to moving, but they’re talking about doing it in the next year or so.

We have a bit of a hoarding situation and trying to tread gently. They mentioned that started looking at home value so seeing some light.

Wishing you luck and ease. This is really hard.

[Anonymous]

It depends on your parents' mentality. All you can do is try.

My parents are driving me crazy. They refuse to do any planning. They only react to emergencies, and this year they've had dire medical emergencies! I thought this would be the perfect time to help them plan, but nope... it's either: "I can't deal with this because I'm in the hospital/your father is in the hospital", OR "now I'm out of the hospital/your father is out of the hospital, we're going to wait a bit to talk about planning because we're taking a breather, we're not quite ready". In short, they're NEVER ready. My father has a serious disease that required monthly hospital visits. He's stable, but will probably never be cured. So unless they're willing to plan while being in a state of moderate and perpetual medical situation... nothing will ever get done.

I don't know what's going to happen to them, OP. My father refuses to hand over his bank account info, passwords, etc, even though last time he was hospitalized, my mother, who doesn't have access to them, was running short of cash. It's crazy. If and when he's completely incapacitated, I think they expect me to run over to them (they live in Europe!!!), pick up all the pieces, and just hand over my money to pay everything, while their money sits in their bank accounts. If that happens, I will be livid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP why is your wanting them to move before they are 80 a "lack of planning?"

I can't imagine telling my 79yo mother to move. Or, even my 88yo MIL.

Because as noted above both are in declining health including some serious accidents and a near-death injury a few years back, the house is falling apart, they don’t have a will or any sort of long term plan?

[Anonymous]

"How do we approach this?"

You don't you leave it alone. It's all fun and games until someone tries to THROW YOU out of your own house.

[Anonymous]

Let them live how THEY are comfortable living.

[Anonymous]

I recommend reading the book “Being Mortal”. I found it very helpful. Do you think they could afford a CCRC? There are some really lovely facilities around.

[Anonymous]

You have to accept that this is what they want and dying unnecessarily or in an unpleasant way is their choice. And treating their family badly is also a choice and they are choosing it. Stop fighting them, it's not worth it. I've had to accept this with my dad, and if at some point he loses the ability to know where he is anyway, I will move him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let them live how THEY are comfortable living.

That’s fine until they fall and break a hip and can’t go home anymore because they can’t manage the stairs. It’s better to make these decisions before you are forced to do it.

The end comes for us all.

[Anonymous]

What helps is offering specifics:
- List of properties where they could move, and go tour with them (prescreen so they are great and within budget).
- Assuring them you will help with packing, downsizing and storage of special mementos.
- Assure them you will help with the realtor/sales aspect.

Otherwise it's too overwhelming to consider packing your entire life away.

[Anonymous]

Seniors have agency and free will to decide where they want to live.

If they both die simply sell the house as is. Call an estate auction house. They will clean out the house.

I've settled one estate that did not have a will. It was not a big deal. The State law governed the distribution percentages to family.

I have one 78 year old and one 86 year old in houses on my street. Neither has any plans for moving. They are happy living in their homes.