Aging parents who refuse to move

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"How do we approach this?"

You don't you leave it alone. It's all fun and games until someone tries to THROW YOU out of your own house.

Helping someone find housing where they can live safely given their physical and/or mental limitations is not "throwing someone out of their house."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP why is your wanting them to move before they are 80 a "lack of planning?"

I can't imagine telling my 79yo mother to move. Or, even my 88yo MIL.

Maybe because they can’t take care of the house anymore? It has lots of stairs that aren’t safe? They can’t keep up with housework?

[Anonymous]

Why should they move? Leave them be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seniors have agency and free will to decide where they want to live.

If they both die simply sell the house as is. Call an estate auction house. They will clean out the house.

I've settled one estate that did not have a will. It was not a big deal. The State law governed the distribution percentages to family.

I have one 78 year old and one 86 year old in houses on my street. Neither has any plans for moving. They are happy living in their homes.

If only it were this simple! People rarely "just die." They decline slowly and with increasing medical needs, so they need new living arrangements. It's not as simple as house---->grave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP why is your wanting them to move before they are 80 a "lack of planning?"

I can't imagine telling my 79yo mother to move. Or, even my 88yo MIL.

Maybe because they can’t take care of the house anymore? It has lots of stairs that aren’t safe? They can’t keep up with housework?

Hire help for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP why is your wanting them to move before they are 80 a "lack of planning?"

I can't imagine telling my 79yo mother to move. Or, even my 88yo MIL.

Maybe because they can’t take care of the house anymore? It has lots of stairs that aren’t safe? They can’t keep up with housework?

There's also driving. Are they car dependent and should they not be driving? This is a big factor.

[Anonymous]

Similar situation, including the house in Bethesda falling apart. And it had steep steps just to get into the house, plus stairs in the house. We did tours with my mother of condo places and independent living places. It helped to see the options. Money not an issue but she was stuck on staying in her "free" house (which of course was only free because she wasn't maintaining it and we had to price it low to sell).

It took her several more years to decide it was time and she moved at around 84. Doing the earlier visits helped to hone in quickly on what she wanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP why is your wanting them to move before they are 80 a "lack of planning?"

I can't imagine telling my 79yo mother to move. Or, even my 88yo MIL.

Maybe because they can’t take care of the house anymore? It has lots of stairs that aren’t safe? They can’t keep up with housework?

Hire help for them.

Sorry but why would I pay for someone to take care of the home I don’t want them in anyway? It costs way more to maintain a 5 br house and a large yard than a condo…

[Anonymous]

Explain to them if one of them falls and breaks a hip, returning to the home is unlikely. If needed, you will decide where they will live, but you would like their input. Get them to "look" at a few places.

[Anonymous]

This is what I did OP:

1.) Start gently and assume they are rational. Do all the nice things to tip toe around their fragile egos for a year or 2. When that doesn't work...

2) Consult with aging care advisor and financial advisor. Try to get your parent to agree to speak to them as long as you are on the same page with the advisors. When that doesn't work...

3.) Deal with endless emergencies and drama poorly timed to clash with every stressor in your life. Have this go on for years until you find yourself wishing to somehow fly away from life/run away from it all. Realize you are on the verge of a nervous breakdown between kid stressors, work, spouse illness and your bat sh&t crazy and entitled parents and get therapy. At some point during this one parent dies and all hell breaks loose now with entitled siblings too.

4.) After a period of mourning, set some rock solid boundaries with the remaining parent-gently, but firmly. Make clear what you are asking them to do, what choices they have and what you can no longer do. If that parent tends to be difficult expect rage, tantrums and insults.

5.) Keep your boundaries.Lead your life. Stop saving up those vacation days for emergencies. I did that. I gave up vacations and all the things for their emergencies and the family I created was suffering and I had a death wish. Enjoy your vacations. Lead your life. It took me many years of this mess to the point my living parent was in better health than I was. to finally decide I would no longer set myself on fire to keep this parent warm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is what I did OP:

1.) Start gently and assume they are rational. Do all the nice things to tip toe around their fragile egos for a year or 2. When that doesn't work...

2) Consult with aging care advisor and financial advisor. Try to get your parent to agree to speak to them as long as you are on the same page with the advisors. When that doesn't work...

3.) Deal with endless emergencies and drama poorly timed to clash with every stressor in your life. Have this go on for years until you find yourself wishing to somehow fly away from life/run away from it all. Realize you are on the verge of a nervous breakdown between kid stressors, work, spouse illness and your bat sh&t crazy and entitled parents and get therapy. At some point during this one parent dies and all hell breaks loose now with entitled siblings too.

4.) After a period of mourning, set some rock solid boundaries with the remaining parent-gently, but firmly. Make clear what you are asking them to do, what choices they have and what you can no longer do. If that parent tends to be difficult expect rage, tantrums and insults.

5.) Keep your boundaries.Lead your life. Stop saving up those vacation days for emergencies. I did that. I gave up vacations and all the things for their emergencies and the family I created was suffering and I had a death wish. Enjoy your vacations. Lead your life. It took me many years of this mess to the point my living parent was in better health than I was. to finally decide I would no longer set myself on fire to keep this parent warm.

I forgot to add, after the tantrums, the refusing to every speak to you again and storms, in my case the parent did finally explore living options and get moving. Now I hear "why don't you want to visit?" It is mind boggling how selfish people can be for years-not caring about all the things you already have going on such as in my case over the years- (a hospitalized husband who had a life threatening reaction and a long recovery, one of my kids with special needs, the other developed a health issue, work stress and much more.) The one thing I am proud of most is I took the high road. No longer how abusive this parent became, I did not return the abuse, but I did take back my life.

My normal and kind-hearted aunts both appropriately planned for again, moved to over 55 than CCRC and continued to be loving, empathetic and appreciative toward their adult kids so it can happen, but the rigid ones see to be less likely to make changes without stomping their feet and alienating anyone who tries to help.

[Anonymous]

I’ve lived this- same situation to include being in Bethesda in the house I grew up in. But my dad had died so it was just my mom, and it wasn’t well maintained for years before he died. We had to sell the house as-is because I didn’t have it in me to put any time or money into it. They left a lot of money on the table but it is what it is.

My mom finally moved into a place close to me when my biweekly visits to help her weren’t enough and I was unable (and frankly unwilling) to give her more of my time. It would take me 45 minutes to two hours each way to visit her. She needed more than I could give and she could only get it by moving closer.

People who are saying to let them live where they want have obviously never been responsible for an aging parent who has physical and/or mental limitations.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP why is your wanting them to move before they are 80 a "lack of planning?"

I can't imagine telling my 79yo mother to move. Or, even my 88yo MIL. [/quote]

Because as noted above both are in declining health including some serious accidents and a near-death injury a few years back, the house is falling apart, they don’t have a will or any sort of long term plan? [/quote]

They should have a will, but it’s not necessary. My dad was stubborn, but I had to let him be. If he fell, it was his right to fall. I also had a right not to stop and pick up the pieces.

Your frantic approach is treating them like children. How about approach it with less anxiety. You even said it would be a burden, but you don’t seem to be considering them at all.

There’s no way to plan yourself into full control. Nothing ever goes exactly to plan!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let them live how THEY are comfortable living.

That’s fine until they fall and break a hip and can’t go home anymore because they can’t manage the stairs. It’s better to make these decisions before you are forced to do it.

The end comes for us all.

MiG it calms your anxiety, make the plan without telling them. What would you do?

What if they die next week and you’ve spent this time stressing instead of enjoying your time with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP why is your wanting them to move before they are 80 a "lack of planning?"

I can't imagine telling my 79yo mother to move. Or, even my 88yo MIL.

Maybe because they can’t take care of the house anymore? It has lots of stairs that aren’t safe? They can’t keep up with housework?

Hire help for them.

Sorry but why would I pay for someone to take care of the home I don’t want them in anyway? It costs way more to maintain a 5 br house and a large yard than a condo…

I’m not sure about that. Condo fees in this area are expensive. Why don’t you actually do the math.