Question for anxious parents: what are you truly afraid of?

[Anonymous]

This thread is just an endless pit of moaning, complaining, suffering, and worry. Unproductivity at it's core right here on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I grew up in central Jersey with a large Asian population, and I was Jewish. That peer group that valued education was incredible. Who do you think the doctors and engineers are that take care of this country. It's the quiet, studious, driven immigrant population. That peer group, I am sorry, was, and still is, priceless, and is found at the top schools in the country, and maybe Rutgers. I'd be ok with Rutgers, honestly.

Top schools no longer produce the doctors and engineers who take care of this country. They produced investment bankers and management consultants. To become a doctor or engineer you go to Rutgers or a similar state school.

Look at how far behind we are compared to countries that truly value bright minds. Our smartest kids should be innovating and leading humanity and communities forward.

I’m sorry but many of these countries are sending all their kids here now for college.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Downward mobility

THIS, it's scary out there...

This whole country is about to come face to face with diminished living standards. The moat protecting american workers from global competition has been paved over with globalization. Now the American worker competes (at a modest proximity advantage to workers anywhere else in the world)

I worry about these effects of globalization. Will it be difficult for our kids to adjust?

Our kids grew up and watching us work only 10-12 hours a day and enjoying a nice standard of living. It will be difficult to work 14-16 hours per day like some other countries with a diminished standard of living.

What we need as a civilization is more breakthroughs on things like fusion energy, nano-technology, robotics. I think that will allow us to turn AI into something that will lift up everyone instead of becoming a differentiator between the haves and have nots.

I see AI like the printing press. It can be the engine behind the renaissance the scientific revolution and the protestant reformation bring us out of the dark ages. OR it can be subverted into a tool to control ideas and opinions. If we can solve those other technological problems like those mentioned above before the subversion of AI, then things could work out well, really well. if not... if all we have is the ai , then I can't imagine how things work out well unless Ai somehow becomes open source.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I'm afraid of failing my kids by not providing the support or guidance or resources they need to do the following things:

(1) Get a good education - in high school, college, and beyond. I mean this very broadly, knowing that there are MANY versions of this, not just one specific path;

(2) Identify 10+ colleges (safety, target, and reach) where they feel truly comfortable they can thrive and develop, both academically and socially (and conversely, rule out the colleges where they do not feel they are likely to thrive); and

(3) Provide them with whatever guidance or resources they need to put their best foot forward and get a fair shake in this messed up admissions process that often feels more unpredictable and random than it should.

More broadly, I have little doubt that both my kids will be successful in life, though I have no clue what exactly that will look like. Both kids are smart, hardworking, good with people, emotionally even-keeled, and surprisingly adaptable. Whatever path they take, I genuinely believe they will be fine!

So, I guess my fear is sadly self-focused. I feel a lot of pressure to "do right by them" - to help them navigate this complicated (and often seemingly random) process in a way that helps them be seen and evaluated for who they are. Truly "holistically," which is ironic . . . .

(Thanks for posting your quesiton, OP. Just writing the above "confession" has helped me step back a bit and remind myself that I need to chill the heck out. It's going to be ok. Yes, I'll likely miss something - or many somethings - or inadvertantly give them a bad steer or two. But in the end, I trust that they both can thrive and be happy in all many different environments while handling whatever ups and downs they encounter along the way. I just need to remind myself of that more often . . . . .)

You are just a good parent! Many of us probably feel exactly like this!

Thank you for saying that. But I have been continually suprised/upset by how anxious I've been throughout this process. It doesn't feel good at all.

I believe you, it’s a lot! You will make it through… we all will! Remember to stop, breathe and enjoy the little moments. Time is fleeting and you never know just how something will turn out - we will roll with it!

Xoxo

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is just an endless pit of moaning, complaining, suffering, and worry. Unproductivity at it's core right here on DCUM.

True. OP's question turned out to be a softball for those of us who needed to vent tonight.

Unproductive, yes.

But the subect heading was literally asking "anxious parents" to share their fears. What exactly were you expecting to find here???????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Peer group matters a lot. Obviously, there are smart kids at every university, but constantly being surrounded by driven & accomplished peers breeds a natural desire to excel and succeed. And as parents, we all want our children to succeed, no matter how we individually define 'success'; for me, it's defined by how my kid sees it, and they want to aim for an elite university.

... or a climate of stress leading to headaches and panic attacks. I am a mother in Palo Alto and we have in DD's high school what you think you're seeking for your DC. However, these "driven & accomplished" peers are relentless in their drive, and have ground down my DD's confidence as she feels she can never measure up or amount to anything because she is not giving Ted Talks, hosting podcasts with 1 million listeners or bringing the lost art of Chinese opera to American youths.

It's awful and she is seeking a college that is "chill" and "normal" where she can breathe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Peer group matters a lot. Obviously, there are smart kids at every university, but constantly being surrounded by driven & accomplished peers breeds a natural desire to excel and succeed. And as parents, we all want our children to succeed, no matter how we individually define 'success'; for me, it's defined by how my kid sees it, and they want to aim for an elite university.

... or a climate of stress leading to headaches and panic attacks. I am a mother in Palo Alto and we have in DD's high school what you think you're seeking for your DC. However, these "driven & accomplished" peers are relentless in their drive, and have ground down my DD's confidence as she feels she can never measure up or amount to anything because she is not giving Ted Talks, hosting podcasts with 1 million listeners or bringing the lost art of Chinese opera to American youths.

It's awful and she is seeking a college that is "chill" and "normal" where she can breathe.

And worse than headaches and panic attacks. People here should read Life Under Pressure: The Social Roots of Youth Suicide and What to Do About Them. Toxic environments all around.

[Anonymous]

I see AI like the printing press. It can be the engine behind the renaissance the scientific revolution and the protestant reformation bring us out of the dark ages. OR it can be subverted into a tool to control ideas and opinions.

I just read the Post article on the use of AI to create unconsented nude photos and virtual “sexy” chatbot companions. Sure, AI in theory can do lots of things - but more likely it’s going to be used to continue producing more and more extreme trash. Plus takeaway jobs, so we can lay around unemployed, living on UBI, and watching a constant stream of AI generated p0rn. Sounds like a lovely world.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s so interesting folks think college is the magic hack. It’s not. Plenty of average top grads out there who flounder.

And your kid isn’t going to marry a Rockefeller if they go to a top school. There is still a lot of social stratification. The rich kids from certain families and private schools all find each other and hang out together. IYKYK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Peer group matters a lot. Obviously, there are smart kids at every university, but constantly being surrounded by driven & accomplished peers breeds a natural desire to excel and succeed. And as parents, we all want our children to succeed, no matter how we individually define 'success'; for me, it's defined by how my kid sees it, and they want to aim for an elite university.

... or a climate of stress leading to headaches and panic attacks. I am a mother in Palo Alto and we have in DD's high school what you think you're seeking for your DC. However, these "driven & accomplished" peers are relentless in their drive, and have ground down my DD's confidence as she feels she can never measure up or amount to anything because she is not giving Ted Talks, hosting podcasts with 1 million listeners or bringing the lost art of Chinese opera to American youths.

It's awful and she is seeking a college that is "chill" and "normal" where she can breathe.

That’s so sad. What happened to childhood? Sigh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s so interesting folks think college is the magic hack. It’s not. Plenty of average top grads out there who flounder.

And your kid isn’t going to marry a Rockefeller if they go to a top school. There is still a lot of social stratification. The rich kids from certain families and private schools all find each other and hang out together. IYKYK.

It's a cliche but true that a decent minority percentage of kids at top schools will say they attended "to meet their co-founders"...not to marry rich.

That's why the number of Y Combinator funded companies is massively concentrated at the top schools (note, the top schools aren't exclusively US schools...4 of the top 15 below are international).

Top 15 Universities for YC Founders

1) 𝐒𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐝 - 704
2) 𝐇𝐚𝐫𝐯𝐚𝐫𝐝 - 482
3) 𝐁𝐞𝐫𝐤𝐞𝐥𝐞𝐲 - 453
4) 𝐌𝐈𝐓 - 425
5) 𝐈𝐈𝐓 - 271
6) 𝐔𝐏𝐞𝐧𝐧 - 265
7) 𝐖𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐨𝐨 - 186
8) 𝐂𝐨𝐥𝐮𝐦𝐛𝐢𝐚 - 182
9) 𝐂𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐞𝐠𝐢𝐞 𝐌𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐨𝐧 - 160
10) 𝐂𝐨𝐫𝐧𝐞𝐥𝐥 𝐔𝐧𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐢𝐭𝐲 - 159
11) 𝐂𝐚𝐦𝐛𝐫𝐢𝐝𝐠𝐞 - 146
12) 𝐎𝐱𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐝 - 143
13) 𝐘𝐚𝐥𝐞 - 132
14) 𝐌𝐢𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐠𝐚𝐧 - 131
15) 𝐆𝐞𝐨𝐫𝐠𝐢𝐚 𝐓𝐞𝐜𝐡 - 122

[Anonymous]

Extremely brutal and gory rape

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Extremely brutal and gory rape

Sorry I thought the question was about parents of current college students. My bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hesitate to jump in but I definitely think the anxiety around this topic is class based and a bad sign for the country. Yes, there is a class system in this country and it is becoming more extreme as highly paid/highly educated people marry each other and live with their peers.
People who have class status worry about their kids losing it and those that don't are pushing for their kids to access it.
I dated a Boston Brahmin in my 20's and his family would literally describe people as NOK (not our kind) out loud as though that was acceptable. I guess now they apparently worry their own kids will be NOK . . .

Is this anxiety about class status an American thing, as well as an Indian thing?

Are we all ruining our health with stress and competition?

Have you not traveled the world and met people who have meaningful lives and careers but much less stress, and are extremely happy? I have.

I’m really questioning what is happening to us here….

“Boston Brahmin” is a term for elite Boston families. I think it dates back to the 1800s. It has nothing to do with Indians.

And by elite, I mean elite in the 1800s. Families whose names are now towns (ex: Lowell, Cabot, Peabody, etc).

I think you very much misunderstood this poster with your condescending info. lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm afraid of my child slipping into a different social class than the one I grew up in and am most comfortable with. I don't mean in terms of money--I am not wealthy--but in terms of habits of the mind. At home and in school, I grew up around people who read books, discussed history, understood scientific principles, were curious about the world, appreciated fine art and music, and were generally very smart. I get nervous that if my child attends a lower-ranked school, his peer group will be comprised of less intellectual people and that this will dull his mind a bit.

I grew up in a highly educated family. I went to a state school and went on to get a graduate degree. Even though I went to a non-elite school, my house has always been filled with books, I enjoy art and music, and I seek out intellectual people who enjoy discussing current events, politics and philosophy. I hope this will help to calm your nerves.