Question for anxious parents: what are you truly afraid of?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm afraid of my child slipping into a different social class than the one I grew up in and am most comfortable with. I don't mean in terms of money--I am not wealthy--but in terms of habits of the mind. At home and in school, I grew up around people who read books, discussed history, understood scientific principles, were curious about the world, appreciated fine art and music, and were generally very smart. I get nervous that if my child attends a lower-ranked school, his peer group will be comprised of less intellectual people and that this will dull his mind a bit.

Understandable. No one wants their kids slipping into MAGA.

[Anonymous]

I am worried that the only schools that want me DD for her sport (which she wants so badly to play) will be too expensive for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm afraid of my child slipping into a different social class than the one I grew up in and am most comfortable with. I don't mean in terms of money--I am not wealthy--but in terms of habits of the mind. At home and in school, I grew up around people who read books, discussed history, understood scientific principles, were curious about the world, appreciated fine art and music, and were generally very smart. I get nervous that if my child attends a lower-ranked school, his peer group will be comprised of less intellectual people and that this will dull his mind a bit.

Wow

[Anonymous]

Elite private schools give the best financial aid and are some of the best at class mobility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Peer group matters a lot. Obviously, there are smart kids at every university, but constantly being surrounded by driven & accomplished peers breeds a natural desire to excel and succeed. And as parents, we all want our children to succeed, no matter how we individually define 'success'; for me, it's defined by how my kid sees it, and they want to aim for an elite university.

Peer group does matter a lot, which is why I’m relieved my kid isn’t going to an elite university. To each their own.

[Anonymous]

Peer group pushes kids and propels them.

- Ivy / t10.
Parents both attended same schools. Wouldn’t change it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Peer group matters a lot. Obviously, there are smart kids at every university, but constantly being surrounded by driven & accomplished peers breeds a natural desire to excel and succeed. And as parents, we all want our children to succeed, no matter how we individually define 'success'; for me, it's defined by how my kid sees it, and they want to aim for an elite university.

Peer group does matter a lot, which is why I’m relieved my kid isn’t going to an elite university. To each their own.

PP here, and yes! To each their own 100%. We all have different wants in life, and that's what keeps the world moving forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Peer group matters a lot. Obviously, there are smart kids at every university, but constantly being surrounded by driven & accomplished peers breeds a natural desire to excel and succeed. And as parents, we all want our children to succeed, no matter how we individually define 'success'; for me, it's defined by how my kid sees it, and they want to aim for an elite university.

Peer group does matter a lot, which is why I’m relieved my kid isn’t going to an elite university. To each their own.

PP here, and yes! To each their own 100%. We all have different wants in life, and that's what keeps the world moving forward.

Sadly, it’s mostly people who went to elite universities turning the world horribly backwards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Peer group matters a lot. Obviously, there are smart kids at every university, but constantly being surrounded by driven & accomplished peers breeds a natural desire to excel and succeed. And as parents, we all want our children to succeed, no matter how we individually define 'success'; for me, it's defined by how my kid sees it, and they want to aim for an elite university.

Peer group does matter a lot, which is why I’m relieved my kid isn’t going to an elite university. To each their own.

PP here, and yes! To each their own 100%. We all have different wants in life, and that's what keeps the world moving forward.

Sadly, it’s mostly people who went to elite universities turning the world horribly backwards.

Most modern issues in the US can be traced back to Reagan, who went to Eureka College.

[Anonymous]

You are missing Penn’s contributions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see a massive amount of hand wringing on this forum.

So I have to ask: what are you truly afraid of?

What do you suppose might happen if your kid doesn’t get into a “good enough” college?

Surely you all must know successful people who went to a huge range of colleges. So you know it’s far from the end of the world if you don’t get into the college you like at 17 years old.

So what’s the fear?

I won’t be able to feel a smug sense of superiority when I put my kid’s school bumper sticker on the car.

Muffy will laugh at me behind my back to the other ladies when I miss book club. Maybe. Probably.

My kid’s poor mental health stemming from my failure to provide him with any sense of perspective won’t be able to be waved away as the price of being a high achiever.

He might decide to use the weed like a poor person instead of developing a cocaine addiction like all good investment bankers do.

He might have to actually have a conversation with aforementioned poor person. Or, worse, a kid that went to public high school.

He might meet his future wife whose only ambition is to become a nurse or a teacher or something gross that helps people like that.

The list goes on…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see a massive amount of hand wringing on this forum.

So I have to ask: what are you truly afraid of?

What do you suppose might happen if your kid doesn’t get into a “good enough” college?

Surely you all must know successful people who went to a huge range of colleges. So you know it’s far from the end of the world if you don’t get into the college you like at 17 years old.

So what’s the fear?

The way the process unfolds ratchets up the anxiety. While the sane position is that each student can be happy and successful at a huge range of colleges, the ED round encourages students to identify, and then invest in, their “top school.” The disappointment of not getting in ED therefore hits much harder than it would if the schools all only did RD, and students only identified a single top choice after results were out.

In addition, the way commitments trickle out from October to May creates a feeling that this is musical chairs, and students who don’t have a seat yet will be left behind. The fear of being left out can become especially pronounced with schools that admit in multiple rounds and defer from one to the next.

And there is a real feeling that different kinds of students are “supposed to” go to different levels of school. I got my kid genuinely excited about her early rolling schools, and the reward for this was that she was told by her peers and even the little kids in the aftercare program where she works that she needed to aim higher.

So yes, some anxiety starts with the crazy parents. But some anxiety is driven by the broader community, and amped up by the calendar.

[Anonymous]

I’m afraid my kid will have regrets about not gunning harder when they see the opportunities kids at Ivy/Ivy+ schools have. That being said, my kid made it clear in high school that sleep, friends and balance were important to them. They did not “gun” for the best grades or shotgun the T-25 schools. They took a step back from a major EC where they had a track record of success to try something new and completely different when they were in 11th grade. They did not apply to any Ivies or T-10’s. I worried all the time that they weren’t taking college admissions seriously enough but now I’m glad they kept it in perspective. Attending a T20-T30.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see a massive amount of hand wringing on this forum.

So I have to ask: what are you truly afraid of?

What do you suppose might happen if your kid doesn’t get into a “good enough” college?

Surely you all must know successful people who went to a huge range of colleges. So you know it’s far from the end of the world if you don’t get into the college you like at 17 years old.

So what’s the fear?

The way the process unfolds ratchets up the anxiety. While the sane position is that each student can be happy and successful at a huge range of colleges, the ED round encourages students to identify, and then invest in, their “top school.” The disappointment of not getting in ED therefore hits much harder than it would if the schools all only did RD, and students only identified a single top choice after results were out.

In addition, the way commitments trickle out from October to May creates a feeling that this is musical chairs, and students who don’t have a seat yet will be left behind. The fear of being left out can become especially pronounced with schools that admit in multiple rounds and defer from one to the next.

And there is a real feeling that different kinds of students are “supposed to” go to different levels of school. I got my kid genuinely excited about her early rolling schools, and the reward for this was that she was told by her peers and even the little kids in the aftercare program where she works that she needed to aim higher.

So yes, some anxiety starts with the crazy parents. But some anxiety is driven by the broader community, and amped up by the calendar.

OP here. I went to a very competitive HS so I directly experienced this anxiety as a teenager.

The calendar stuff was the same when I was applying. The community was equally crazed about it.

As a parent, though, I genuinely can’t relate to being anxious about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see a massive amount of hand wringing on this forum.

So I have to ask: what are you truly afraid of?

What do you suppose might happen if your kid doesn’t get into a “good enough” college?

Surely you all must know successful people who went to a huge range of colleges. So you know it’s far from the end of the world if you don’t get into the college you like at 17 years old.

So what’s the fear?

The way the process unfolds ratchets up the anxiety. While the sane position is that each student can be happy and successful at a huge range of colleges, the ED round encourages students to identify, and then invest in, their “top school.” The disappointment of not getting in ED therefore hits much harder than it would if the schools all only did RD, and students only identified a single top choice after results were out.

In addition, the way commitments trickle out from October to May creates a feeling that this is musical chairs, and students who don’t have a seat yet will be left behind. The fear of being left out can become especially pronounced with schools that admit in multiple rounds and defer from one to the next.

And there is a real feeling that different kinds of students are “supposed to” go to different levels of school. I got my kid genuinely excited about her early rolling schools, and the reward for this was that she was told by her peers and even the little kids in the aftercare program where she works that she needed to aim higher.

So yes, some anxiety starts with the crazy parents. But some anxiety is driven by the broader community, and amped up by the calendar.

OP here. I went to a very competitive HS so I directly experienced this anxiety as a teenager.

The calendar stuff was the same when I was applying. The community was equally crazed about it.

As a parent, though, I genuinely can’t relate to being anxious about it.

Maybe I’m closer to my kid than you are to yours? Also I try to keep the sane “you’ll do great anywhere!” approach going at home, and bring the anxiety elsewhere, and I think a fair number of anxious parent posts are products of that same choice.