Question for anxious parents: what are you truly afraid of?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Downward mobility

It’s this plus it’s frustrating as people have seen their kids work so hard and do very poorly in admissions.

I think the latter, too, many kids work so hard these days, and the whole path to admission, number of applicants, and the competitive nature of everything is insane these days and taking a toll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see a massive amount of hand wringing on this forum.

So I have to ask: what are you truly afraid of?

What do you suppose might happen if your kid doesn’t get into a “good enough” college?

Surely you all must know successful people who went to a huge range of colleges. So you know it’s far from the end of the world if you don’t get into the college you like at 17 years old.

So what’s the fear?

The way the process unfolds ratchets up the anxiety. While the sane position is that each student can be happy and successful at a huge range of colleges, the ED round encourages students to identify, and then invest in, their “top school.” The disappointment of not getting in ED therefore hits much harder than it would if the schools all only did RD, and students only identified a single top choice after results were out.

In addition, the way commitments trickle out from October to May creates a feeling that this is musical chairs, and students who don’t have a seat yet will be left behind. The fear of being left out can become especially pronounced with schools that admit in multiple rounds and defer from one to the next.

And there is a real feeling that different kinds of students are “supposed to” go to different levels of school. I got my kid genuinely excited about her early rolling schools, and the reward for this was that she was told by her peers and even the little kids in the aftercare program where she works that she needed to aim higher.

So yes, some anxiety starts with the crazy parents. But some anxiety is driven by the broader community, and amped up by the calendar.

No way!! What group of little kids is that!? Twilight Zone?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm afraid of failing my kids by not providing the support or guidance or resources they need to do the following things:

(1) Get a good education - in high school, college, and beyond. I mean this very broadly, knowing that there are MANY versions of this, not just one specific path;

(2) Identify 10+ colleges (safety, target, and reach) where they feel truly comfortable they can thrive and develop, both academically and socially (and conversely, rule out the colleges where they do not feel they are likely to thrive); and

(3) Provide them with whatever guidance or resources they need to put their best foot forward and get a fair shake in this messed up admissions process that often feels more unpredictable and random than it should.

More broadly, I have little doubt that both my kids will be successful in life, though I have no clue what exactly that will look like. Both kids are smart, hardworking, good with people, emotionally even-keeled, and surprisingly adaptable. Whatever path they take, I genuinely believe they will be fine!

So, I guess my fear is sadly self-focused. I feel a lot of pressure to "do right by them" - to help them navigate this complicated (and often seemingly random) process in a way that helps them be seen and evaluated for who they are. Truly "holistically," which is ironic . . . .

(Thanks for posting your quesiton, OP. Just writing the above "confession" has helped me step back a bit and remind myself that I need to chill the heck out. It's going to be ok. Yes, I'll likely miss something - or many somethings - or inadvertantly give them a bad steer or two. But in the end, I trust that they both can thrive and be happy in all many different environments while handling whatever ups and downs they encounter along the way. I just need to remind myself of that more often . . . . .)

You are just a good parent! Many of us probably feel exactly like this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in central Jersey with a large Asian population, and I was Jewish. That peer group that valued education was incredible. Who do you think the doctors and engineers are that take care of this country. It's the quiet, studious, driven immigrant population. That peer group, I am sorry, was, and still is, priceless, and is found at the top schools in the country, and maybe Rutgers. I'd be ok with Rutgers, honestly.

Top schools no longer produce the doctors and engineers who take care of this country. They produced investment bankers and management consultants. To become a doctor or engineer you go to Rutgers or a similar state school.

Look at how far behind we are compared to countries that truly value bright minds. Our smartest kids should be innovating and leading humanity and communities forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see a massive amount of hand wringing on this forum.

So I have to ask: what are you truly afraid of?

What do you suppose might happen if your kid doesn’t get into a “good enough” college?

Surely you all must know successful people who went to a huge range of colleges. So you know it’s far from the end of the world if you don’t get into the college you like at 17 years old.

So what’s the fear?

The way the process unfolds ratchets up the anxiety. While the sane position is that each student can be happy and successful at a huge range of colleges, the ED round encourages students to identify, and then invest in, their “top school.” The disappointment of not getting in ED therefore hits much harder than it would if the schools all only did RD, and students only identified a single top choice after results were out.

In addition, the way commitments trickle out from October to May creates a feeling that this is musical chairs, and students who don’t have a seat yet will be left behind. The fear of being left out can become especially pronounced with schools that admit in multiple rounds and defer from one to the next.

And there is a real feeling that different kinds of students are “supposed to” go to different levels of school. I got my kid genuinely excited about her early rolling schools, and the reward for this was that she was told by her peers and even the little kids in the aftercare program where she works that she needed to aim higher.

So yes, some anxiety starts with the crazy parents. But some anxiety is driven by the broader community, and amped up by the calendar.

No way!! What group of little kids is that!? Twilight Zone?!

Btw I didn’t mean to come across the wrong way - it just sounds awful. And I’m sorry she’s experiencing this, and though I don’t know you all, wishing you great news soon!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in central Jersey with a large Asian population, and I was Jewish. That peer group that valued education was incredible. Who do you think the doctors and engineers are that take care of this country. It's the quiet, studious, driven immigrant population. That peer group, I am sorry, was, and still is, priceless, and is found at the top schools in the country, and maybe Rutgers. I'd be ok with Rutgers, honestly.

Top schools no longer produce the doctors and engineers who take care of this country. They produced investment bankers and management consultants. To become a doctor or engineer you go to Rutgers or a similar state school.

West Windsor-Plainsboro?

(Just guessing. I grew up nearby.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:AI or not AI.

One of the purposes of elite education is to cultivate agency in a kid. They are the ones who define tasks, not the ones tasks being assigned to. And I think this is even more critical in the age of AI. Hence, sending your kids to an elite institution becomes even more important. However you want to define elite.

Everyone knows this. Every parent of a bright child wants the same, yet our institutions or education as a whole seem to focus on things that parents don’t really care about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm afraid of failing my kids by not providing the support or guidance or resources they need to do the following things:

(1) Get a good education - in high school, college, and beyond. I mean this very broadly, knowing that there are MANY versions of this, not just one specific path;

(2) Identify 10+ colleges (safety, target, and reach) where they feel truly comfortable they can thrive and develop, both academically and socially (and conversely, rule out the colleges where they do not feel they are likely to thrive); and

(3) Provide them with whatever guidance or resources they need to put their best foot forward and get a fair shake in this messed up admissions process that often feels more unpredictable and random than it should.

More broadly, I have little doubt that both my kids will be successful in life, though I have no clue what exactly that will look like. Both kids are smart, hardworking, good with people, emotionally even-keeled, and surprisingly adaptable. Whatever path they take, I genuinely believe they will be fine!

So, I guess my fear is sadly self-focused. I feel a lot of pressure to "do right by them" - to help them navigate this complicated (and often seemingly random) process in a way that helps them be seen and evaluated for who they are. Truly "holistically," which is ironic . . . .

(Thanks for posting your quesiton, OP. Just writing the above "confession" has helped me step back a bit and remind myself that I need to chill the heck out. It's going to be ok. Yes, I'll likely miss something - or many somethings - or inadvertantly give them a bad steer or two. But in the end, I trust that they both can thrive and be happy in all many different environments while handling whatever ups and downs they encounter along the way. I just need to remind myself of that more often . . . . .)

You are just a good parent! Many of us probably feel exactly like this!

Thank you for saying that. But I have been continually suprised/upset by how anxious I've been throughout this process. It doesn't feel good at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Downward mobility

It’s this plus it’s frustrating as people have seen their kids work so hard and do very poorly in admissions.

I think the latter, too, many kids work so hard these days, and the whole path to admission, number of applicants, and the competitive nature of everything is insane these days and taking a toll.

If we can’t even define “merit,” how can we steer kids toward anything truly valuable? Everyone’s looking out for themselves, and kids see adults cheating as well. So where do you even put the moral compass?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hesitate to jump in but I definitely think the anxiety around this topic is class based and a bad sign for the country. Yes, there is a class system in this country and it is becoming more extreme as highly paid/highly educated people marry each other and live with their peers.
People who have class status worry about their kids losing it and those that don't are pushing for their kids to access it.
I dated a Boston Brahmin in my 20's and his family would literally describe people as NOK (not our kind) out loud as though that was acceptable. I guess now they apparently worry their own kids will be NOK . . .

Is this anxiety about class status an American thing, as well as an Indian thing?

Are we all ruining our health with stress and competition?

Have you not traveled the world and met people who have meaningful lives and careers but much less stress, and are extremely happy? I have.

I’m really questioning what is happening to us here….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hesitate to jump in but I definitely think the anxiety around this topic is class based and a bad sign for the country. Yes, there is a class system in this country and it is becoming more extreme as highly paid/highly educated people marry each other and live with their peers.
People who have class status worry about their kids losing it and those that don't are pushing for their kids to access it.
I dated a Boston Brahmin in my 20's and his family would literally describe people as NOK (not our kind) out loud as though that was acceptable. I guess now they apparently worry their own kids will be NOK . . .

Is this anxiety about class status an American thing, as well as an Indian thing?

Are we all ruining our health with stress and competition?

Have you not traveled the world and met people who have meaningful lives and careers but much less stress, and are extremely happy? I have.

I’m really questioning what is happening to us here….

Greed and selfishness

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hesitate to jump in but I definitely think the anxiety around this topic is class based and a bad sign for the country. Yes, there is a class system in this country and it is becoming more extreme as highly paid/highly educated people marry each other and live with their peers.
People who have class status worry about their kids losing it and those that don't are pushing for their kids to access it.
I dated a Boston Brahmin in my 20's and his family would literally describe people as NOK (not our kind) out loud as though that was acceptable. I guess now they apparently worry their own kids will be NOK . . .

Is this anxiety about class status an American thing, as well as an Indian thing?

Are we all ruining our health with stress and competition?

Have you not traveled the world and met people who have meaningful lives and careers but much less stress, and are extremely happy? I have.

I’m really questioning what is happening to us here….

“Boston Brahmin” is a term for elite Boston families. I think it dates back to the 1800s. It has nothing to do with Indians.

And by elite, I mean elite in the 1800s. Families whose names are now towns (ex: Lowell, Cabot, Peabody, etc).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:AI or not AI.

One of the purposes of elite education is to cultivate agency in a kid. They are the ones who define tasks, not the ones tasks being assigned to. And I think this is even more critical in the age of AI. Hence, sending your kids to an elite institution becomes even more important. However you want to define elite.

Everyone knows this. Every parent of a bright child wants the same, yet our institutions or education as a whole seem to focus on things that parents don’t really care about.

You mean K-12 ? What do we not care about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Peer group matters a lot. Obviously, there are smart kids at every university, but constantly being surrounded by driven & accomplished peers breeds a natural desire to excel and succeed. And as parents, we all want our children to succeed, no matter how we individually define 'success'; for me, it's defined by how my kid sees it, and they want to aim for an elite university.

For some, yes. There are kids who willing and able to "up their game" and maybe even thrive in a fairly homogenous high-intensity environment.

But other kids with with the same amount of talent and ability may have a very different reaction. For some, that type of unabated external intensity can breed anxiety, depression, overwhelm, and/or burnout.

The same external stimulus can have a different effect on different people.

I understand that your kid wants to be in that type of environment. Hopefully it works out and it suits them well.

But please recognize that there are equally talented and driven kids who will more likely thrive in a different type of college enviornment.

For some kids, internal motivation goes a long way. Regardless of who they're surrounded by, they're going to work very hard and reach their potential. Not because "everyone else" is doing it, but because that's how they're wired.

And unfortunately, some of these highly internally motivated kids find all that external motivation to be exhausting. When combined with the motivation they create naturally, it's just too much. So being in a more low key enviornment can be perfect for them. They get to set their own expectations and make the most of the opportunties around them and then take a break from the intensity when they need to.

Different strokes for different folks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm afraid of failing my kids by not providing the support or guidance or resources they need to do the following things:

(1) Get a good education - in high school, college, and beyond. I mean this very broadly, knowing that there are MANY versions of this, not just one specific path;

(2) Identify 10+ colleges (safety, target, and reach) where they feel truly comfortable they can thrive and develop, both academically and socially (and conversely, rule out the colleges where they do not feel they are likely to thrive); and

(3) Provide them with whatever guidance or resources they need to put their best foot forward and get a fair shake in this messed up admissions process that often feels more unpredictable and random than it should.

More broadly, I have little doubt that both my kids will be successful in life, though I have no clue what exactly that will look like. Both kids are smart, hardworking, good with people, emotionally even-keeled, and surprisingly adaptable. Whatever path they take, I genuinely believe they will be fine!

So, I guess my fear is sadly self-focused. I feel a lot of pressure to "do right by them" - to help them navigate this complicated (and often seemingly random) process in a way that helps them be seen and evaluated for who they are. Truly "holistically," which is ironic . . . .

(Thanks for posting your quesiton, OP. Just writing the above "confession" has helped me step back a bit and remind myself that I need to chill the heck out. It's going to be ok. Yes, I'll likely miss something - or many somethings - or inadvertantly give them a bad steer or two. But in the end, I trust that they both can thrive and be happy in all many different environments while handling whatever ups and downs they encounter along the way. I just need to remind myself of that more often . . . . .)

You are just a good parent! Many of us probably feel exactly like this!

Thank you for saying that. But I have been continually suprised/upset by how anxious I've been throughout this process. It doesn't feel good at all.

I believe you, it’s a lot! You will make it through… we all will! Remember to stop, breathe and enjoy the little moments. Time is fleeting and you never know just how something will turn out - we will roll with it!