Question for anxious parents: what are you truly afraid of?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Prestigious colleges generally graduate more successful people, and some industries are only accessible to people who attend a select few elite universities. Resources, opportunities, and faculty relationships can be cultivated more easily at some schools as well.

Which industries are ONLY accessible to a small number of colleges?

Investment banking, MBB consulting. Good luck breaking in if you're not at at LEAST a semi-target.

I would not be stressing if my kid couldn't god forbid do those jobs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm afraid of my child slipping into a different social class than the one I grew up in and am most comfortable with. I don't mean in terms of money--I am not wealthy--but in terms of habits of the mind. At home and in school, I grew up around people who read books, discussed history, understood scientific principles, were curious about the world, appreciated fine art and music, and were generally very smart. I get nervous that if my child attends a lower-ranked school, his peer group will be comprised of less intellectual people and that this will dull his mind a bit.

It could happen and they will still be ok.

[Anonymous]

Not anxious at all. We have nowhere to go but up. So far, so good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm afraid of my child slipping into a different social class than the one I grew up in and am most comfortable with. I don't mean in terms of money--I am not wealthy--but in terms of habits of the mind. At home and in school, I grew up around people who read books, discussed history, understood scientific principles, were curious about the world, appreciated fine art and music, and were generally very smart. I get nervous that if my child attends a lower-ranked school, his peer group will be comprised of less intellectual people and that this will dull his mind a bit.

Wow. Just wow.

[Anonymous]

IMO, college can set off a chain reaction:

It helps you find the right peer group (similar to what elite private high schools offer).

It increases the chances of meeting the right partner—shared background and values can reduce friction and strengthen a marriage.

The right peer group can lead to better friendship, networking, career opportunities, or business prospects.

The right spouse can result in a more stable, long-lasting marriage and positive potential for children.

The right job, career, and marriage together often lead to better mental and physical health.

I’ll probably get a lot of judgment for saying this, but this is basically how societies have sustained for thousands of years if you look at both Western or East Asian civilizations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see a massive amount of hand wringing on this forum.

So I have to ask: what are you truly afraid of?

What do you suppose might happen if your kid doesn’t get into a “good enough” college?

Surely you all must know successful people who went to a huge range of colleges. So you know it’s far from the end of the world if you don’t get into the college you like at 17 years old.

So what’s the fear?

My concerns are not with ranking as with the quality of education available to my DC for what they want to do. There are differences between departments at various schools, and not all schools (even great and/or highly ranked schools) can be the best at everything. My DC wants to dual major in very different subjects, and it just happens to be that the schools that offer the best opportunities in this regard are selective.

[Anonymous]

I’m a worrywart so that’s my nature. It’s also part of the reason for my success though.

I worry about kid not being able to afford what they want because they didn’t have the skills for a lucrative career, because of major, school choice, whatever.

I worry about them not being happy with their college choice or career or overall life in the long run.

I worry they will fall in with the wrong crowd/ be influenced at large by the wrong environment and think it’s the only way to live.

I worry they will have a lousy 4 years plus of their young life.

I resize the irony in them learning to think for themselves by making mistakes, yet I don’t want them to make big mistakes. But it’s partly that I had seemingly very little help from my parents with some of these things, and I made ALOT of mistakes, at least relative to people I know who has college graduate or professional class parents. (Mine were neither.)

[Anonymous]

I don't think "Fear" is the right word for every parent. It depends.

But I’d add one more thing: technology—especially AI—may be the onset of breaking this chain effect and decoupling personal success (wealth, career, relationships, friendships, and even health) from college altogether. From that perspective, I’m more optimistic and less concerned about college rankings per se.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm afraid of my child slipping into a different social class than the one I grew up in and am most comfortable with. I don't mean in terms of money--I am not wealthy--but in terms of habits of the mind. At home and in school, I grew up around people who read books, discussed history, understood scientific principles, were curious about the world, appreciated fine art and music, and were generally very smart. I get nervous that if my child attends a lower-ranked school, his peer group will be comprised of less intellectual people and that this will dull his mind a bit.

I can resonate.

People here may judge you. But I think this system (elite college) works far better than Caste system, where your class is determined by blood. No matter how much effort you make, one cannot change their class.

If we don't have the elite college system in the US, social mobility would have declined drastically. Rich remains rich, poor stays poor, forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Downward mobility

+1

Or anxiety driven poor decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm afraid of my child slipping into a different social class than the one I grew up in and am most comfortable with. I don't mean in terms of money--I am not wealthy--but in terms of habits of the mind. At home and in school, I grew up around people who read books, discussed history, understood scientific principles, were curious about the world, appreciated fine art and music, and were generally very smart. I get nervous that if my child attends a lower-ranked school, his peer group will be comprised of less intellectual people and that this will dull his mind a bit.

I can resonate.

People here may judge you. But I think this system (elite college) works far better than Caste system, where your class is determined by blood. No matter how much effort you make, one cannot change their class.

If we don't have the elite college system in the US, social mobility would have declined drastically. Rich remains rich, poor stays poor, forever.

AI is likely to disrupt—and potentially dismantle—that mobility ladder you described. We’re already seeing the effects ripple out, little by little, as unemployment rises.

[Anonymous]

Spiders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Prestigious colleges generally graduate more successful people, and some industries are only accessible to people who attend a select few elite universities. Resources, opportunities, and faculty relationships can be cultivated more easily at some schools as well.

Which industries are ONLY accessible to a small number of colleges?

Investment banking, MBB consulting. Good luck breaking in if you're not at at LEAST a semi-target.

Ok.

Beyond that, which most people are miserable actually doing, which industries?

And by elite, I mean T20 university or T10 SLAC. The DCUM preferred schools.

So UVA, Georgetown, etc. are not elite?

[Anonymous]

I'm afraid of failing my kids by not providing the support or guidance or resources they need to do the following things:

(1) Get a good education - in high school, college, and beyond. I mean this very broadly, knowing that there are MANY versions of this, not just one specific path;

(2) Identify 10+ colleges (safety, target, and reach) where they feel truly comfortable they can thrive and develop, both academically and socially (and conversely, rule out the colleges where they do not feel they are likely to thrive); and

(3) Provide them with whatever guidance or resources they need to put their best foot forward and get a fair shake in this messed up admissions process that often feels more unpredictable and random than it should.

More broadly, I have little doubt that both my kids will be successful in life, though I have no clue what exactly that will look like. Both kids are smart, hardworking, good with people, emotionally even-keeled, and surprisingly adaptable. Whatever path they take, I genuinely believe they will be fine!

So, I guess my fear is sadly self-focused. I feel a lot of pressure to "do right by them" - to help them navigate this complicated (and often seemingly random) process in a way that helps them be seen and evaluated for who they are. Truly "holistically," which is ironic . . . .

(Thanks for posting your quesiton, OP. Just writing the above "confession" has helped me step back a bit and remind myself that I need to chill the heck out. It's going to be ok. Yes, I'll likely miss something - or many somethings - or inadvertantly give them a bad steer or two. But in the end, I trust that they both can thrive and be happy in all many different environments while handling whatever ups and downs they encounter along the way. I just need to remind myself of that more often . . . . .)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:IMO, college can set off a chain reaction:

It helps you find the right peer group (similar to what elite private high schools offer).

It increases the chances of meeting the right partner—shared background and values can reduce friction and strengthen a marriage.

The right peer group can lead to better friendship, networking, career opportunities, or business prospects.

The right spouse can result in a more stable, long-lasting marriage and positive potential for children.

The right job, career, and marriage together often lead to better mental and physical health.

I’ll probably get a lot of judgment for saying this, but this is basically how societies have sustained for thousands of years if you look at both Western or East Asian civilizations.

My kids both met their partners at their non-elite public universities. They both have unconventional career goals (no engineers, investment bankers, doctor or lawyers). I guess they are contributing to the downfall of civilization. Sorry about that! I should have put them in Kumon in first grade or whatever.