We gunned our kid for an ivy and it looks like we'll miss

[Anonymous]

Everyone in here tut tutting “you shouldn’t have been striving for an Ivy, you should have raised your child to be kind and have lots of friends” would drown Mother Theresa in the blood of kittens to get their kid into an Ivy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From when DC was little, we did it all. Lessons, tutoring, coaching, sports, extracurriculars, private school from when they could walk, you name it. We were gunning for those ivied walls.

And then the SAT score came back. A great score, and one to be proud of. But not 1500+. More prep, still no dice.

DC will likely end up at their state flagship or somewhere similarly ranked. The same as a lot of kids who didn't grind as hard. They'll get a good education. If the work ethic we tried to install in them through that grinding holds up, they'll get a great education. Or will DC melt like a hothouse flower once Mom and Dad aren't there to supervise? I don't know.

Do I have regrets? Ideally I wish DC could have spent more time with friends. Then again, people at our private aren't that social outside of school, at least not with us, so I didn't know if that was an option. I don't think DC needed more time playing video games or watching TV. The one thing I realistically could have given them is more time for pleasure reading, and I regret that.

So I didn't know, I feel kind of adrift. Our enterprise was a failure in its primary and unreasonable aim (getting DC into an ivy) and has yet to be tested on its secondary and reasonable aim (instilling a good academic work ethic). Has anyone been in this boat?

If this is not a troll post, what on earth were you thinking?

I have two at two different ivies unhooked. We did not do any work f those things you did. They had 99-99.9%ile test results from their first CTP/WISC test given at school.
They both chose their activities and read for pleasure outside of school since the moment they taught themselves how to read before they started kindergarten. Ivies and MIT/stanford etc are for that type of kid unless you have an athletic or demographic hook. The students who end up finishing top-quarter there are predominantly the unhooked ones.
Why would anyone push a school in that realm if there were clear evidence they would not likely succeed there, let alone get in?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you weren't even close any way. Ivy is about awards.

[Anonymous]

Your kid would have had better results had you never sent them to private high school.

One of the most important thing your could have experienced is the acquiring the social skills to succeed when you aren't hooked. If families aren't that social with you at a private and your kid isn't a top student (assuming with a SAT under 1500 at a private your kid isn't the top student).

If you are not hooked or a very tippy top student at private you are not going to be competitive to get into the Ivies.

[Anonymous]

I find this such an odd post and I'm wondering what OP's background is that she felt the Ivy was the end-all, be-all.

My husband and I are both from very middle class families. With a lot of hard work and some demographic luck, we went to Ivies. I think my husband was sort of thinking that would be our kids' path too....but I never really felt like the Ivies are some magic wand. We did do a lot as far as music classes, etc., trying to feed our kids interests. The time I spent helping them select books for pleasure reading to make sure they were reading a good selection was like a part-time job. Was that good time spent? I don't know.

Our oldest, who probably is the only one that would have had a shot at Ivies, definitively did not want one. She visited a couple, hated one and was "meh" on the other, but then had her heart set on a different school, which she now attends.

Anyway, my advice for ALL parents is to find the things your kid is interested in, and feed that. That's the end in and of itself. For some kids, that passion will flame out (they can't all be shark-scientists or giraffe-doctors or race car designers), but for others, that will develop into something long-lasting and important to them. And, at the least, they'll have the experience of knowing that, when you love something, there are ways to study it and enhance that experience, and maybe that will come in handy in something else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your kid would have had better results had you never sent them to private high school.

One of the most important thing your could have experienced is the acquiring the social skills to succeed when you aren't hooked. If families aren't that social with you at a private and your kid isn't a top student (assuming with a SAT under 1500 at a private your kid isn't the top student).

If you are not hooked or a very tippy top student at private you are not going to be competitive to get into the Ivies.

You lost me here. Social skills are important for all aspects of life. How is it associated with Ivies?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone in here tut tutting “you shouldn’t have been striving for an Ivy, you should have raised your child to be kind and have lots of friends” would drown Mother Theresa in the blood of kittens to get their kid into an Ivy.

PP, which is it? Are you a tiger parent, striver, troll, Ivy grad, or combo?

Mother Theresa is dead. And I am kitten safe.

I didn't make my kid take the SATs more than once. And I let him drop off the WL for his grandparents' Ivy. Because he really wanted to go elsewhere. I went to a flagship but I make almost exactly the same money and have achieved similarly to my sibling who went to that Ivy. Both of us feel that personality and gender have been bigger factors in our career trajectory than where we went to school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone in here tut tutting “you shouldn’t have been striving for an Ivy, you should have raised your child to be kind and have lots of friends” would drown Mother Theresa in the blood of kittens to get their kid into an Ivy.

Seek help. You are not well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what happens when you try to mold your kid into the one you want, rather than parent and love the kid you have. I feel so bad for your kid, who surely knows they have disappointed you.

OP here, I just want to warn others.

Most people know not to do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kid would have had better results had you never sent them to private high school.

One of the most important thing your could have experienced is the acquiring the social skills to succeed when you aren't hooked. If families aren't that social with you at a private and your kid isn't a top student (assuming with a SAT under 1500 at a private your kid isn't the top student).

If you are not hooked or a very tippy top student at private you are not going to be competitive to get into the Ivies.

You lost me here. Social skills are important for all aspects of life. How is it associated with Ivies?

A major reason people who are unhooked send their kids to private schools is so that their kids make social connections with other students so they can rely on those connections to network in the future. Additionally, it opens your kid's eyes to see how really successful people live and think.

Even if your unhooked kid doesn't get into the Ivies then at least they have made these connection and have gained this knowledge. But OP paid for private school since preschool and didn't even get that out of it.

[Anonymous]

We’re in the opposite boat, but same result. Kid grinded on her own. Tons of ap classes, great grades, multiple varsity sports, long term volunteer commitments. But sat around 1250 and we didn’t press/manage it due to being busy. Will end up at flagship, but could’ve gotten into her school of choice had we gotten her in person sat prep to get her score up to the mid 1400s. Life - what can you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone in here tut tutting “you shouldn’t have been striving for an Ivy, you should have raised your child to be kind and have lots of friends” would drown Mother Theresa in the blood of kittens to get their kid into an Ivy.

Is that option still available?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone in here tut tutting “you shouldn’t have been striving for an Ivy, you should have raised your child to be kind and have lots of friends” would drown Mother Theresa in the blood of kittens to get their kid into an Ivy.

NP.

I agree. All you people criticizing the OP are NOT being honest.

You are only being snarky and ugly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’re in the opposite boat, but same result. Kid grinded on her own. Tons of ap classes, great grades, multiple varsity sports, long term volunteer commitments. But sat around 1250 and we didn’t press/manage it due to being busy. Will end up at flagship, but could’ve gotten into her school of choice had we gotten her in person sat prep to get her score up to the mid 1400s. Life - what can you do?

DP.

Thx. Plus,

1250 is a really high score! You and your child should be proud of their accomplishment. And nothing wrong with UMD at all. It is a phenomenal school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse and I have four Ivy degrees between us. We would love the same for our kids. Our older one is on track. But unlike OP, we are also very carefully finding a balance between doing everything possible to enable this, but also allowing them to just be a normal kid - hang out watching TV, casual sports with friends, normal summer camp to decompress and learn how to socialize. If they make it, they do. But if they don't, no regrets.

Our younger child is not on the Ivy path. Bright kid but clearly different from older sibling. And we love them just as much. Trying to cultivate their God-given abilities but also allow them to have a joyful childhood. They are super charismatic and will probably end up being more financially successful once they find their niche because people love them.

Contrary to popular belief, people skills go a long way towards success, not just grind it out intellectual rigor. But all the parents choosing to make their kids miserable with highly curated childhoods seem to forget or ignore this.

Love your kid for who they are. Give them lots of opportunities. But don't sacrifice normalcy and happiness in the process.

This is the key to success, right here. People skills. Combine that with a solid work ethic and it will take your kid far.

One of mine is gunning for an Ivy hard. We keep telling DC is is a lottery now. All of the things OP stated won’t matter for anyone when the time comes for applications. Look at the admissions chances.

But making connections with people and keeping up your social skills can take you far, no matter which school you attend. We made sure all of our kids had a normal childhood and absolutely kept them in sports. You never know when those connections will help in the future.