We gunned our kid for an ivy and it looks like we'll miss

[Anonymous]

I'll try to be nice, OP, but even as an Asian "Tiger Parent", I've never understood why people have this goal for their kids.

I value education for its intrinsic value, not so that my kids can get into a particular university. I don't think any one university is worth all this effort! I don't spit on prestige at all - my vanity would be tickled if my second child attended a famous brand name college - but I view it more as "if it happens, it happens" kind of thing, because I know it's a lottery so why would we agonize over this?

My second child is gifted and extremely capable, and has a stellar resume, but I still know it's a lottery. MOST OF IT IS OUT OF OUR CONTROL.

I hope you didn't brainwash and stress out your kid too much.

[Anonymous]

Nice trolling.

[Anonymous]

My spouse and I have four Ivy degrees between us. We would love the same for our kids. Our older one is on track. But unlike OP, we are also very carefully finding a balance between doing everything possible to enable this, but also allowing them to just be a normal kid - hang out watching TV, casual sports with friends, normal summer camp to decompress and learn how to socialize. If they make it, they do. But if they don't, no regrets.

Our younger child is not on the Ivy path. Bright kid but clearly different from older sibling. And we love them just as much. Trying to cultivate their God-given abilities but also allow them to have a joyful childhood. They are super charismatic and will probably end up being more financially successful once they find their niche because people love them.

Contrary to popular belief, people skills go a long way towards success, not just grind it out intellectual rigor. But all the parents choosing to make their kids miserable with highly curated childhoods seem to forget or ignore this.

Love your kid for who they are. Give them lots of opportunities. But don't sacrifice normalcy and happiness in the process.

[Anonymous]

OP, Is your kid a junior? My DC had a 31 ACT September of 11th. Did nothing more in 11th on the ACT. Over the summer, DC started doing practice tests and watching YouTube videos on ACT. Took it in September of 12th and got a 35. The English and math classes in 11th helped boost the score a lot. The score may go up organically just from their coursework and maturity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From when DC was little, we did it all. Lessons, tutoring, coaching, sports, extracurriculars, private school from when they could walk, you name it. We were gunning for those ivied walls.

And then the SAT score came back. A great score, and one to be proud of. But not 1500+. More prep, still no dice.

DC will likely end up at their state flagship or somewhere similarly ranked. The same as a lot of kids who didn't grind as hard. They'll get a good education. If the work ethic we tried to install in them through that grinding holds up, they'll get a great education. Or will DC melt like a hothouse flower once Mom and Dad aren't there to supervise? I don't know.

Do I have regrets? Ideally I wish DC could have spent more time with friends. Then again, people at our private aren't that social outside of school, at least not with us, so I didn't know if that was an option. I don't think DC needed more time playing video games or watching TV. The one thing I realistically could have given them is more time for pleasure reading, and I regret that.

So I didn't know, I feel kind of adrift. Our enterprise was a failure in its primary and unreasonable aim (getting DC into an ivy) and has yet to be tested on its secondary and reasonable aim (instilling a good academic work ethic). Has anyone been in this boat?

Are you for real? If so, this is just sad. Not because you missed the Ivy, but because your priorities are so screwed up. And I went to an Ivy.

[Anonymous]

I really hope this is a troll. Imagine your parents thinking you are a failure due to a test score when you're 16 years old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From when DC was little, we did it all. Lessons, tutoring, coaching, sports, extracurriculars, private school from when they could walk, you name it. We were gunning for those ivied walls.

And then the SAT score came back. A great score, and one to be proud of. But not 1500+. More prep, still no dice.

DC will likely end up at their state flagship or somewhere similarly ranked. The same as a lot of kids who didn't grind as hard. They'll get a good education. If the work ethic we tried to install in them through that grinding holds up, they'll get a great education. Or will DC melt like a hothouse flower once Mom and Dad aren't there to supervise? I don't know.

Do I have regrets? Ideally I wish DC could have spent more time with friends. Then again, people at our private aren't that social outside of school, at least not with us, so I didn't know if that was an option. I don't think DC needed more time playing video games or watching TV. The one thing I realistically could have given them is more time for pleasure reading, and I regret that.

So I didn't know, I feel kind of adrift. Our enterprise was a failure in its primary and unreasonable aim (getting DC into an ivy) and has yet to be tested on its secondary and reasonable aim (instilling a good academic work ethic). Has anyone been in this boat?

Are you for real? If so, this is just sad. Not because you missed the Ivy, but because your priorities are so screwed up. And I went to an Ivy.

Op here, that is my point.

[Anonymous]

Why ivy only? There are some schools that are better than some ivies.

[Anonymous]

Your DNA just did not produce what you wanted. Don’t blame the kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Our enterprise was a failure in its primary and unreasonable aim (getting DC into an ivy) and has yet to be tested on its secondary and reasonable aim (instilling a good academic work ethic). Has anyone been in this boat?

You aren’t conducting an enterprise, you are raising a person. You had a primary goal of ivy, but I would suggest that your secondary goal shouldn’t be good academic work ethic, but an adult who is a kind, caring, contributing member of society. There are a million ways to do that without an ivy degree.

[Anonymous]

My thoughts:

-I'm going to be frank and say that top20s and even UVA are just as hard admits from the DMV as the Ivies are. The only kids getting into UVA from our private are also getting Ivy admits.

-I regret all the time spent playing sports. All those weekends that we could have been spending more time together as a family (yes, we did drive to games but it's not the same). All that money wasted. That is my one parenting regret.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what happens when you try to mold your kid into the one you want, rather than parent and love the kid you have. I feel so bad for your kid, who surely knows they have disappointed you.

OP here, I just want to warn others.

LOL. Everybody already knows not to do this. Where have you been last 17 years of kid’s life??

[Anonymous]

Would you have not done extracurricular with your kid if they weren't going to an Ivy? Because that seems kind of nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My thoughts:

-I'm going to be frank and say that top20s and even UVA are just as hard admits from the DMV as the Ivies are. The only kids getting into UVA from our private are also getting Ivy admits.

-I regret all the time spent playing sports. All those weekends that we could have been spending more time together as a family (yes, we did drive to games but it's not the same). All that money wasted. That is my one parenting regret.

Don't totally disagree but what would you have been doing instead? Sitting home solving math problems and learning a fourth language isn't a good answer.

I agree that the hard core travel sports can be a bit much, especially when your kid is the worst on the team. But my kids spent tons of time playing rec sports and it was great. They enjoyed it. They made friends. We made friends. They learned a lot about teamwork, socializing, winning, losing. Skills that translate to college and the workplace. Core capabilities that Tiger parents don't appreciate or value. It provided some structure and routine for our lives. But it also didn't take over our lives.

[Anonymous]

Producing an Ivy matriculant can’t be an “end goal” of parenting.I say matriculant because some kids go to Ivies and their peers, and end up flaming out- burnout, mismatch, mental illness, not being able to handle the freedom of college, experiencing failure/imposter syndrome for the first time, being at the Ivy for all the wrong reasons... Focus on raising an adult who can navigate college and life beyond.