19 year gap - Will everything be okay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m 27 and a PhD student, and my boyfriend is a 46 year old lawyer. I really love him, we have an amazing relationship - we communicate well, have similar goals, compliment one another and enjoy being together. That said, sometimes I worry about our age difference and what it might mean for us long term.

I’d love to hear the perspectives of people who’ve been in or are in relationship like this

Say you get married and he knocks you up a couple of times and you push out your sprogs when you are like 32 and 35. He'll be like 61 and 64. Which means the odds of him becoming worm food before your child reaches the age you are now are very high.

And before he becomes worm food, he'll become a grouchy old man (and his bad mood will be aggravated by teenagers in the house, as they are almost always aggravating) with health problems, and OP will be a caretaker for teenagers and a grouchy old man at the same time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It wasn't a first child.

Exactly ! If a woman had healthy kids in her 20-30s, and she continues getting pregnant in 40s that means she still has high quality eggs that can be fertilized. Unhealthy eggs wont fertilize or will be terminated in early stages .
Men start producing significant numbers of abnormal chromosomes in their semen at 35 or so. It’s just can still have potency to create a full term pregnancy. Kids born to these dads are at higher risk of SN.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, don't listen to naysayers here and see how you feel about everything. Talk to him about your fears and concerns and see how he reacts and how you connect with him.

of course he's gonna say, "Don't worry". duh People can't fathom growing old.

-signed a 56 yr old married to a 62 yr old

Plus they want nurse with a purse who is 19 years younger. He's not going to listen to her concerns and then agree that it's a bad deal for her. Come on, people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a man in my late 50s. I dated a woman more than 20 years younger. It was great for both of us. The emotional connection was genuine and intense. The sex was amazing. Unfortunately my friends thought I was ridiculous and my kids didn't even want to meet her. We broke up but still have coffee once in a while. Ll Her next man was even older. She's a smart and attractive professional. She's just attracted to older men.

Now I'm with another smart and attractive professional who is in her 40s. Our relationship is even better. My family and friends like her despite the 15 year age gap. Meeting her and seeing us together made them believers. She says the age gap will eventually be a problem but it's not a big problem now.

I've also been in relationships with women my age or older than I am.

so... this is not a long term thing, then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Right now it may seem ok, but men tend to start to really age around 60, and you will be around 40 with a 60 year old DH. Just wouldn't think either of you would have much in common unless it's very specific hobbies.

The only hobby they could really do together at that point is golf. My parents are 25 years older than me (so only 6 years more of an age gap than OP and her "daddy") and they're not keeping up with me on hikes, bikr tifrd, skiing, traveling, or anything else. They're tired and they want peace and quiet. Their grandkids wear them out after so many hours.

[Anonymous]

Never going to work.

[Anonymous]

Does he have at least $100m? If so, is it tied up in trusts, promised to other people in his MSA, and is he going to make you sign a prenup? It's probably a terrible idea, but if he's uber rich and generous, maybe some people on here could see the appeal.

[Anonymous]

OP, he will be nearly 70 when your kid graduates from college. That's unfair to the kid.

DH is 62; DS is 21. DH is starting to not be able to keep up with DS. Wasn't a problem in his early 50s, but now it's really hitting him. Not so much of an issue now that DS is an adult and can do active things with his friends, but when your kid is 12, the dad will be 60. I'm sorry, but that's grandpa age for a 12 yr old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he have at least $100m? If so, is it tied up in trusts, promised to other people in his MSA, and is he going to make you sign a prenup? It's probably a terrible idea, but if he's uber rich and generous, maybe some people on here could see the appeal.

I would be concerned about this woman’s morals and ethics as she potentially sacrifices her kids healthy and happy childhood and adulthood for money.

[Anonymous]

Talk to him about your fears and concerns and see how he reacts and how you connect with him.

Oh sure, let him convince you! I don't know what to think on my own

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, he will be nearly 70 when your kid graduates from college. That's unfair to the kid.

DH is 62; DS is 21. DH is starting to not be able to keep up with DS. Wasn't a problem in his early 50s, but now it's really hitting him. Not so much of an issue now that DS is an adult and can do active things with his friends, but when your kid is 12, the dad will be 60. I'm sorry, but that's grandpa age for a 12 yr old.

And OP will be 41 when he's 60. I'm close to 41 and 60+ men seem so old to me. They remind me of my dad, who is also in his 60s and has aged rapidly the past 10 years. My siblings and I are already making plans for his longterm care as his health is declining. Also, OP's 40-year- old friends aren't going to want to hang out with her 60-year-old husband, and OP won't want to hang out with the sixty-something friends of her husband, so they won't have mutual friends. Having a shared social networth matters more than people realize. It significantly affects the quality of your marriage. It can carry you through bad years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he have at least $100m? If so, is it tied up in trusts, promised to other people in his MSA, and is he going to make you sign a prenup? It's probably a terrible idea, but if he's uber rich and generous, maybe some people on here could see the appeal.

I would be concerned about this woman’s morals and ethics as she potentially sacrifices her kids healthy and happy childhood and adulthood for money.

Sure, but if he's Bruce Willis rich, at least she could afford to care for him in their second home when he becomes sick and dangerous to their kids; if he's only mid-level lawyer rich, and he has kids from a previous marriage with child support obligations, college obligations, and other obligations from his divorce, then her and her children's life will be much worse than Emma's life. I wouldn't trade places with Emma, but at least she's not also broke. Imagine having to work full time to cover your husband's medical costs and raise your teenagers in the same house as their father with dementia. That would be miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he have at least $100m? If so, is it tied up in trusts, promised to other people in his MSA, and is he going to make you sign a prenup? It's probably a terrible idea, but if he's uber rich and generous, maybe some people on here could see the appeal.

I would be concerned about this woman’s morals and ethics as she potentially sacrifices her kids healthy and happy childhood and adulthood for money.

Sure, but if he's Bruce Willis rich, at least she could afford to care for him in their second home when he becomes sick and dangerous to their kids; if he's only mid-level lawyer rich, and he has kids from a previous marriage with child support obligations, college obligations, and other obligations from his divorce, then her and her children's life will be much worse than Emma's life. I wouldn't trade places with Emma, but at least she's not also broke. Imagine having to work full time to cover your husband's medical costs and raise your teenagers in the same house as their father with dementia. That would be miserable.

I actually know this exact scenario. My own marriage to an 11 years older exH was miserable socially. He didn’t want to travel as family, most our holidays were spent with his old friends, they all resented me and after divorce none of former couple friends stayed in my social network so I had to rebuild it anew

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he have at least $100m? If so, is it tied up in trusts, promised to other people in his MSA, and is he going to make you sign a prenup? It's probably a terrible idea, but if he's uber rich and generous, maybe some people on here could see the appeal.

I would be concerned about this woman’s morals and ethics as she potentially sacrifices her kids healthy and happy childhood and adulthood for money.

Sure, but if he's Bruce Willis rich, at least she could afford to care for him in their second home when he becomes sick and dangerous to their kids; if he's only mid-level lawyer rich, and he has kids from a previous marriage with child support obligations, college obligations, and other obligations from his divorce, then her and her children's life will be much worse than Emma's life. I wouldn't trade places with Emma, but at least she's not also broke. Imagine having to work full time to cover your husband's medical costs and raise your teenagers in the same house as their father with dementia. That would be miserable.

I actually know this exact scenario. My own marriage to an 11 years older exH was miserable socially. He didn’t want to travel as family, most our holidays were spent with his old friends, they all resented me and after divorce none of former couple friends stayed in my social network so I had to rebuild it anew

I'm sorry. At least you got out and you get a fresh start. I hope you find friends your age to enjoy the rest of your life with!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he have at least $100m? If so, is it tied up in trusts, promised to other people in his MSA, and is he going to make you sign a prenup? It's probably a terrible idea, but if he's uber rich and generous, maybe some people on here could see the appeal.

I would be concerned about this woman’s morals and ethics as she potentially sacrifices her kids healthy and happy childhood and adulthood for money.

Sure, but if he's Bruce Willis rich, at least she could afford to care for him in their second home when he becomes sick and dangerous to their kids; if he's only mid-level lawyer rich, and he has kids from a previous marriage with child support obligations, college obligations, and other obligations from his divorce, then her and her children's life will be much worse than Emma's life. I wouldn't trade places with Emma, but at least she's not also broke. Imagine having to work full time to cover your husband's medical costs and raise your teenagers in the same house as their father with dementia. That would be miserable.

I actually know this exact scenario. My own marriage to an 11 years older exH was miserable socially. He didn’t want to travel as family, most our holidays were spent with his old friends, they all resented me and after divorce none of former couple friends stayed in my social network so I had to rebuild it anew

I'm sorry. At least you got out and you get a fresh start. I hope you find friends your age to enjoy the rest of your life with!

Yes, my life now post divorce is 100 times better and more interesting than married life. My exH has become really angry and grumpy . Happy not to have that burden on me anymore
(and I wasn’t the one who was the reason for divorce, I had to divorce him for me and my child simply survive).