DH wants to pay for his older sister’s intervention and inpatient rehab

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's the sister's insurance situation?

Almost every insurance plan has some kind of substance abuse plan. Even Medicaid. It might be a little gritty. And it's quite common for insurance companies to kick people out of rehab after two weeks if they deem them detoxed and cured.

But what you want is detox and a stable environment for a few weeks as their brains and bodies readjust from addiction.

Check the insurance. The most important thing though is a willingness by the sister to be done with it and be committed to getting through those early weeks, which suck. The brain is not your friend at this time.

But I would not spend a nickel on someone who doesn't want to change. For a lot of people that got sucked into addiction, rehab is such a relief. Safe detox. A community of people dealing with the same thing. And they move on with their lives.

Some don't want the help though. And will relapse the moment they get out.

Does the sister feel like she's done with this road? If yes, there are options. If no, waste of money.

Also we have no clue about her insurance situation. DH tried to talk to SIL but she was not interested in having the conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's the sister's insurance situation?

Almost every insurance plan has some kind of substance abuse plan. Even Medicaid. It might be a little gritty. And it's quite common for insurance companies to kick people out of rehab after two weeks if they deem them detoxed and cured.

But what you want is detox and a stable environment for a few weeks as their brains and bodies readjust from addiction.

Check the insurance. The most important thing though is a willingness by the sister to be done with it and be committed to getting through those early weeks, which suck. The brain is not your friend at this time.

But I would not spend a nickel on someone who doesn't want to change. For a lot of people that got sucked into addiction, rehab is such a relief. Safe detox. A community of people dealing with the same thing. And they move on with their lives.

Some don't want the help though. And will relapse the moment they get out.

Does the sister feel like she's done with this road? If yes, there are options. If no, waste of money.

No. SIL does not have interest in getting off the meds.

And does not acknowledge that anything is wrong.

Oh- then why is DH trying to throw money at this problem? Every recovered addict will tell you that you can only choose recovery for YOURSELF. Not your spouse/kids/family/anyone else. Google Rob Lowe and Robert Downey Jr, both of them have spoken openly about addiction and sobriety and how they finally got clean. Your DH means well but needs a reality check.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's the sister's insurance situation?

Almost every insurance plan has some kind of substance abuse plan. Even Medicaid. It might be a little gritty. And it's quite common for insurance companies to kick people out of rehab after two weeks if they deem them detoxed and cured.

But what you want is detox and a stable environment for a few weeks as their brains and bodies readjust from addiction.

Check the insurance. The most important thing though is a willingness by the sister to be done with it and be committed to getting through those early weeks, which suck. The brain is not your friend at this time.

But I would not spend a nickel on someone who doesn't want to change. For a lot of people that got sucked into addiction, rehab is such a relief. Safe detox. A community of people dealing with the same thing. And they move on with their lives.

Some don't want the help though. And will relapse the moment they get out.

Does the sister feel like she's done with this road? If yes, there are options. If no, waste of money.

No. SIL does not have interest in getting off the meds.

And does not acknowledge that anything is wrong.

Oh- then why is DH trying to throw money at this problem? Every recovered addict will tell you that you can only choose recovery for YOURSELF. Not your spouse/kids/family/anyone else. Google Rob Lowe and Robert Downey Jr, both of them have spoken openly about addiction and sobriety and how they finally got clean. Your DH means well but needs a reality check.

Yes, I know this. This is DH’s idea, not mine. And I want to support him, but he at least needs to consider shopping around instead of throwing away thousands and thousands of dollars that we don’t even have like it’s nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it and am sorry you are being put in this position. It is simply not fair to you to have to be "the bad guy" in not instantly and fully supporting your husband in supporting his sister.

Yes, it is sad that OP's SIL has such a terrible addiction. Yes, it may be true that due to a past accident the SIL has major struggles to no fault of her own. Yes, OP's husband is amazing in wanting to help his sibling. But what of OP? How is this awful situation at all fair to OP? Why must the OP be the one to sacrifice so greatly and to do so especially when she has no control over the situation.

The OP here has worked hard, saved hard and has certain goals for her and her immediate family's future. OP has made good choices in life and while it is not for us to judge whether SIL has made good choices (as SIL could have had some tough breaks), it is simply not fair for the OP to have to sidetrack or not reach any of her life goals in the service of the SIL. And it is certainly not fair of OP's husband to put her in this position. I am very sorry OP for this situation that you are now dealing with.

SIL’s college was paid for by her parents. No one, including DH, knows whether she actually graduated with a degree. She did not work full-time before the accident either.

Why do you assume she is lazy? Sounds like more going on here if she was unable to graduate or work full-time.

She has no proof sister didn't graduate, just because her DH is a dumbass who never bothered to ask.

Maybe there wasn't a graduation ceremony and OP assumes the degree may not have happened. I never attended mine but I definitely have a degree even though I don't display it.

Does it even matter? SIL has never worked and does not work want to work.

So why does OP mention it? Makes her sound petty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it and am sorry you are being put in this position. It is simply not fair to you to have to be "the bad guy" in not instantly and fully supporting your husband in supporting his sister.

Yes, it is sad that OP's SIL has such a terrible addiction. Yes, it may be true that due to a past accident the SIL has major struggles to no fault of her own. Yes, OP's husband is amazing in wanting to help his sibling. But what of OP? How is this awful situation at all fair to OP? Why must the OP be the one to sacrifice so greatly and to do so especially when she has no control over the situation.

The OP here has worked hard, saved hard and has certain goals for her and her immediate family's future. OP has made good choices in life and while it is not for us to judge whether SIL has made good choices (as SIL could have had some tough breaks), it is simply not fair for the OP to have to sidetrack or not reach any of her life goals in the service of the SIL. And it is certainly not fair of OP's husband to put her in this position. I am very sorry OP for this situation that you are now dealing with.

SIL’s college was paid for by her parents. No one, including DH, knows whether she actually graduated with a degree. She did not work full-time before the accident either.

Why do you assume she is lazy? Sounds like more going on here if she was unable to graduate or work full-time.

She has no proof sister didn't graduate, just because her DH is a dumbass who never bothered to ask.

Maybe there wasn't a graduation ceremony and OP assumes the degree may not have happened. I never attended mine but I definitely have a degree even though I don't display it.

Does it even matter? SIL has never worked and does not work want to work.

So why does OP mention it? Makes her sound petty.

It’s consistent behavior that SIL has had her entire life. Changing after age 50 and taking responsibility for herself is not likely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it and am sorry you are being put in this position. It is simply not fair to you to have to be "the bad guy" in not instantly and fully supporting your husband in supporting his sister.

Yes, it is sad that OP's SIL has such a terrible addiction. Yes, it may be true that due to a past accident the SIL has major struggles to no fault of her own. Yes, OP's husband is amazing in wanting to help his sibling. But what of OP? How is this awful situation at all fair to OP? Why must the OP be the one to sacrifice so greatly and to do so especially when she has no control over the situation.

The OP here has worked hard, saved hard and has certain goals for her and her immediate family's future. OP has made good choices in life and while it is not for us to judge whether SIL has made good choices (as SIL could have had some tough breaks), it is simply not fair for the OP to have to sidetrack or not reach any of her life goals in the service of the SIL. And it is certainly not fair of OP's husband to put her in this position. I am very sorry OP for this situation that you are now dealing with.

SIL’s college was paid for by her parents. No one, including DH, knows whether she actually graduated with a degree. She did not work full-time before the accident either.

Why do you assume she is lazy? Sounds like more going on here if she was unable to graduate or work full-time.

She has no proof sister didn't graduate, just because her DH is a dumbass who never bothered to ask.

Maybe there wasn't a graduation ceremony and OP assumes the degree may not have happened. I never attended mine but I definitely have a degree even though I don't display it.

Does it even matter? SIL has never worked and does not work want to work.

So why does OP mention it? Makes her sound petty.

It’s consistent behavior that SIL has had her entire life. Changing after age 50 and taking responsibility for herself is not likely.

It sounds like she has ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it and am sorry you are being put in this position. It is simply not fair to you to have to be "the bad guy" in not instantly and fully supporting your husband in supporting his sister.

Yes, it is sad that OP's SIL has such a terrible addiction. Yes, it may be true that due to a past accident the SIL has major struggles to no fault of her own. Yes, OP's husband is amazing in wanting to help his sibling. But what of OP? How is this awful situation at all fair to OP? Why must the OP be the one to sacrifice so greatly and to do so especially when she has no control over the situation.

The OP here has worked hard, saved hard and has certain goals for her and her immediate family's future. OP has made good choices in life and while it is not for us to judge whether SIL has made good choices (as SIL could have had some tough breaks), it is simply not fair for the OP to have to sidetrack or not reach any of her life goals in the service of the SIL. And it is certainly not fair of OP's husband to put her in this position. I am very sorry OP for this situation that you are now dealing with.

SIL’s college was paid for by her parents. No one, including DH, knows whether she actually graduated with a degree. She did not work full-time before the accident either.

Why do you assume she is lazy? Sounds like more going on here if she was unable to graduate or work full-time.

She has no proof sister didn't graduate, just because her DH is a dumbass who never bothered to ask.

Maybe there wasn't a graduation ceremony and OP assumes the degree may not have happened. I never attended mine but I definitely have a degree even though I don't display it.

Does it even matter? SIL has never worked and does not work want to work.

So why does OP mention it? Makes her sound petty.

It’s consistent behavior that SIL has had her entire life. Changing after age 50 and taking responsibility for herself is not likely.

It sounds like she has ADHD.

Maybe. Maybe not. I’m not a health professional or her doctor, so can’t help her there.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she’d be eligible for Medicaid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's the sister's insurance situation?

Almost every insurance plan has some kind of substance abuse plan. Even Medicaid. It might be a little gritty. And it's quite common for insurance companies to kick people out of rehab after two weeks if they deem them detoxed and cured.

But what you want is detox and a stable environment for a few weeks as their brains and bodies readjust from addiction.

Check the insurance. The most important thing though is a willingness by the sister to be done with it and be committed to getting through those early weeks, which suck. The brain is not your friend at this time.

But I would not spend a nickel on someone who doesn't want to change. For a lot of people that got sucked into addiction, rehab is such a relief. Safe detox. A community of people dealing with the same thing. And they move on with their lives.

Some don't want the help though. And will relapse the moment they get out.

Does the sister feel like she's done with this road? If yes, there are options. If no, waste of money.

No. SIL does not have interest in getting off the meds.

And does not acknowledge that anything is wrong.

Oh- then why is DH trying to throw money at this problem? Every recovered addict will tell you that you can only choose recovery for YOURSELF. Not your spouse/kids/family/anyone else. Google Rob Lowe and Robert Downey Jr, both of them have spoken openly about addiction and sobriety and how they finally got clean. Your DH means well but needs a reality check.

Yes, I know this. This is DH’s idea, not mine. And I want to support him, but he at least needs to consider shopping around instead of throwing away thousands and thousands of dollars that we don’t even have like it’s nothing.

Does he even have a plan for you to approve? It sounds like he just wants moral support and instead you harp on his sister being awful and he shrugs. Maybe he just wants some acknowledgement from you that you consider his sister a human being worthy of living. If you did thwt, then you could open a conversation on spending limits and plans.

[Anonymous]

I am the OP of this thread, I paid for my sister's rehab in 2019. https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/835686.page

The truth was that the rehab cost $6,500 and not $2,500 back in 2019 but I was too ashamed to even admit that then on DCUM. We paid it because my mother was crying to me nonstop about how she couldn't afford it. My sister's DH was threatening to get custody of the kids if she didn't go. So she did this out patient 30 day program where she went 5 days a week for 8 hours (like it as a job) and she worked on the weekends (she's an RN).

My sister did not take it seriously and was still drinking until about a year ago when being "sober" became trendy and all her friends were doing it. Whatever it takes, don't care. She still drinks now and then, but nothing like before. She still has all the personality quirks and is basically a dry drunk. She FINALLY got a full time job recently, 6 years later from my original thread.

My father died a year after my thread and I definitely think it is from the stress of her behavior. Addicts affect everything and everyone around them. If OP's SIL is not really ready, rehab won't work. I had to grey rock my sister and I would not pay for her rehab today. If OP doesn't want to do it, then she shouldn't have to pay either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's the sister's insurance situation?

Almost every insurance plan has some kind of substance abuse plan. Even Medicaid. It might be a little gritty. And it's quite common for insurance companies to kick people out of rehab after two weeks if they deem them detoxed and cured.

But what you want is detox and a stable environment for a few weeks as their brains and bodies readjust from addiction.

Check the insurance. The most important thing though is a willingness by the sister to be done with it and be committed to getting through those early weeks, which suck. The brain is not your friend at this time.

But I would not spend a nickel on someone who doesn't want to change. For a lot of people that got sucked into addiction, rehab is such a relief. Safe detox. A community of people dealing with the same thing. And they move on with their lives.

Some don't want the help though. And will relapse the moment they get out.

Does the sister feel like she's done with this road? If yes, there are options. If no, waste of money.

No. SIL does not have interest in getting off the meds.

And does not acknowledge that anything is wrong.

Oh- then why is DH trying to throw money at this problem? Every recovered addict will tell you that you can only choose recovery for YOURSELF. Not your spouse/kids/family/anyone else. Google Rob Lowe and Robert Downey Jr, both of them have spoken openly about addiction and sobriety and how they finally got clean. Your DH means well but needs a reality check.

Yes, I know this. This is DH’s idea, not mine. And I want to support him, but he at least needs to consider shopping around instead of throwing away thousands and thousands of dollars that we don’t even have like it’s nothing.

Does he even have a plan for you to approve? It sounds like he just wants moral support and instead you harp on his sister being awful and he shrugs. Maybe he just wants some acknowledgement from you that you consider his sister a human being worthy of living. If you did thwt, then you could open a conversation on spending limits and plans.

No, he doesn’t have a plan at all. That’s part of my issue with this entire thing.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you and your husband have children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP of this thread, I paid for my sister's rehab in 2019. https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/835686.page

The truth was that the rehab cost $6,500 and not $2,500 back in 2019 but I was too ashamed to even admit that then on DCUM. We paid it because my mother was crying to me nonstop about how she couldn't afford it. My sister's DH was threatening to get custody of the kids if she didn't go. So she did this out patient 30 day program where she went 5 days a week for 8 hours (like it as a job) and she worked on the weekends (she's an RN).

My sister did not take it seriously and was still drinking until about a year ago when being "sober" became trendy and all her friends were doing it. Whatever it takes, don't care. She still drinks now and then, but nothing like before. She still has all the personality quirks and is basically a dry drunk. She FINALLY got a full time job recently, 6 years later from my original thread.

My father died a year after my thread and I definitely think it is from the stress of her behavior. Addicts affect everything and everyone around them. If OP's SIL is not really ready, rehab won't work. I had to grey rock my sister and I would not pay for her rehab today. If OP doesn't want to do it, then she shouldn't have to pay either.

Ugh. Sorry you had to deal with that. That blows. Did sister even thank you?

[Anonymous]

as a parent of a kid in recovery, until she wants to go you are just wasting time and money. The success rate of recovery is low but even lower for interventions.

You have to have boundaries and you also have to realize that mental illness plays a major role in this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it and am sorry you are being put in this position. It is simply not fair to you to have to be "the bad guy" in not instantly and fully supporting your husband in supporting his sister.

Yes, it is sad that OP's SIL has such a terrible addiction. Yes, it may be true that due to a past accident the SIL has major struggles to no fault of her own. Yes, OP's husband is amazing in wanting to help his sibling. But what of OP? How is this awful situation at all fair to OP? Why must the OP be the one to sacrifice so greatly and to do so especially when she has no control over the situation.

The OP here has worked hard, saved hard and has certain goals for her and her immediate family's future. OP has made good choices in life and while it is not for us to judge whether SIL has made good choices (as SIL could have had some tough breaks), it is simply not fair for the OP to have to sidetrack or not reach any of her life goals in the service of the SIL. And it is certainly not fair of OP's husband to put her in this position. I am very sorry OP for this situation that you are now dealing with.

SIL’s college was paid for by her parents. No one, including DH, knows whether she actually graduated with a degree. She did not work full-time before the accident either.

Why do you assume she is lazy? Sounds like more going on here if she was unable to graduate or work full-time.

She has no proof sister didn't graduate, just because her DH is a dumbass who never bothered to ask.

Maybe there wasn't a graduation ceremony and OP assumes the degree may not have happened. I never attended mine but I definitely have a degree even though I don't display it.

Does it even matter? SIL has never worked and does not work want to work.

So why does OP mention it? Makes her sound petty.

It’s consistent behavior that SIL has had her entire life. Changing after age 50 and taking responsibility for herself is not likely.

It sounds like she has ADHD.

Maybe. Maybe not. I’m not a health professional or her doctor, so can’t help her there.

A lot of people in that age group fell through the cracks because their parents did not have the knowledge and tools that existed since the millennials reached school-age. Gen X and earlier were labeled "hyper" or worse and ended up failing without family and educational support. I saw this first-hand with my brother (Gen X raised by Silent and Greatest Gen parents) vs. my nephew (millennial with doctor boomer parents) . Brother started struggling academically in middle school and never finished college, dropping out of a 4-year then private then community college despite being intelligent and socially adept. He was always late, procrastinated on papers and projects, failed to complete even mundane tasks, etc. He never was evaluated even as an adult because my parents didn't know better despite being college-educated themselves. He never married lived with them until they died a few years ago--a classic failure-to-launch. Nephew was able to graduate and has had a successful software career, married and just had a child.