Does my husband have ADHD or is this something else??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I need help from folks to see if this is really what is going on or if it's something else.. no formal diagnosis, but he told me recently that 2 years ago he assumed he had ADHD but didn't share that with me. So I've basically been going crazy for the last decade but especially since we had our third child earlier this year.

1. Says, "I'll be right back/I won't be gone long" and then 1-2 hours later will return.

2. Will immediately jump into trying to address a problem or research something even when things aren't urgent when I am simply making conversation (ex: yesterday I mentioned that my mom said her ice maker wasn't working while I was trying to get my aunt ice water during Thanksgiving. Husband said, "Now that you mentioned it, I want to get ours working" and started tinkering with it, even though I needed him to help with cleaning). By the way, we don't even use ice for our drinks, or for anything. Never have. So we don't need it to be fixed..

3. Will address other problems that are also not urgent, while I actually need help with time sensitive things (ex: last week I was trying to finish cooking side dishes for Thanksgiving, pack the to-go kids bag, and help all of our kids with their needs/wants and I had asked him to put the laundry in the dryer because I needed a few clothing items for one of our kids. He said, "sure" so I went about continuing my stuff. 20 minutes later and kids and baby screaming, I went upstairs to get him and we met in the hallway - he said, "yeah, I wanted to sort and get the laundry off our bed because it's overdue and it's annoying me" (we have a big pile of it on our bed). I said that while I want to address it too, it's not at all pressing and I need help downstairs. I was angry that he chose to do a less important task in that moment rather than help me get us all out of the door for Thanksgiving.

4. I tell him something or ask him to do something, he says okay, one minute later he forgets and doesn't do it, so I end up doing the task(s).

5. I tell him things constantly, either just in casual conversation (not asking to do something) and he will tell me later that he doesn't remember me saying that (or doesn't remember a certain part of the story) or just straight up says I never said certain things.

6. Takes forever to do what I would consider simple things like make a phone call to schedule a medical appointment or send an email to his boss/co-workers that he is taking PTO (he has missed multiple opportunities to go on vacation simply because he doesn't put leave requests in in advance). Thinks it's fine to send a last minute email to co-workers saying he'll be out (think messaging on a Friday for a Monday off) - I've said you can't do that, it's a shitty way to treat your co-workers when you ask them to cover for you.

7. Jumps at any opportunity to help literally anyone but me and our kids. He'll help my parents, aunt/uncle, his parents, other family, even neighbors who we don't know that well.

8. Never puts down his phone and talks to Internet strangers and co-workers more than his family. A phone or tablet is always in his hands or he is on his laptop constantly. I have told him for years this really bothers me because our kids and I feel invisible to him but he doesn't change.

9. Doesn't play with his kids/always stern with them about noise and making messes with food or toys. Always comes up with a reason he can't play with them (I need to eat, I have to fix something, I'm tired, I just want to relax, etc).

10. Never knows what to do with the kids or how to best deescalate between our older two. He doesn't know who likes what food or how to help our toddler or baby. He is always getting into spats with our oldest, to the point kiddo comes to me and says, "Daddy is being mean" and will also write notes/messages about how they don't want to be around Dad when mad). He also doesn't handle bedtime routine, baths, cooking food for the kids (or me), medical appointments, calendar scheduling, etc. Doesn't help me when we are out of the house, either. When we are anywhere, family homes or social events, I am left to juggle all the kids while he socializes and has a good time, then wonders why I didn't because I'm constantly burnt out. The only tasks he reliably does is wash baby bottles and take out the trash.

11. On the absolutely rare occasion I insist he helps with bathing or preparing food for the kids, it almost always devolves into shouting or just simply not getting done, so I step in and do it all like usual.

12. On the very rare occasion I need to leave the house for an appointment for either just myself (dentist, GYN, eye) or I have to take one or two kids with me for their own, the kid or kids who are left at home won't be taken care of. Every time baby is at home and I'm not, I come home to a soiled baby who has been sitting in pee and poop for extended periods of time (long enough to get a diaper rash) and clothes are dirty, late to eat. The toddler won't have napped, and toddler and oldest won't have eaten but given some snacks or things they have helped themselves to. Husband doesn't feed them an actual meal (I'm not talking gourmet, I just mean something basic like PB&J sandwich, a fruit pouch, sweet potato crackers - something simple). I always walk into a house of chaos. He has left the kids upstairs while he goes into the basement to work on his hobbies. When I confront him about these realities, he says I'm wrong and he was taking care of them. I want to work after the new year but cannot trust him to take care of the kids and it's extremely frustrating.

More info - he works from home and is always telling me how mentally taxing his day is - I am on my feet 16 hours a day chasing after and taking care of the kids, I never get a break, even when he is done working. Because he either jumps straight into his phone or hobbies or just simply says he's tired. We argue a lot about who is more tired and we both think the other doesn't do enough (yeah, I know).

There's plenty more to provide but I'll stop for now.

Is this indictive of ADHD or something else..?

I haven't read everyone's posts, but this screams to me that he's having an affair.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m fairly certain my husband who is like this is auDHD with narcissistic traits.

And ? Stop w the excuses for him too Ma’am

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I've mentioned a few times that he wasn't always like this.

He's been like this for at least 10 years:

Anonymous wrote: I've basically been going crazy for the last decade

Get a job, therapy, and a divorce lawyer.

OP here. We've been together for a long time, so while he's been like this for a while, the other 10 years he wasn't.

Parenthood seems to have kicked this off and gotten worse with each kid (yeah, I know, I know.. hindsight and shit..).

Appreciate your comment.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you have a lazy ass husband and probably 1 or 2 more kids than was a good idea given his lack of participation. You prob need to have a come to Jesus talk with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you have a lazy ass husband and probably 1 or 2 more kids than was a good idea given his lack of participation. You prob need to have a come to Jesus talk with him.

OP here. I did this summer. But nothing has changed. Appreciate your comment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you have a lazy ass husband and probably 1 or 2 more kids than was a good idea given his lack of participation. You prob need to have a come to Jesus talk with him.

OP here. I did this summer. But nothing has changed. Appreciate your comment.

Tough situation, don’t have much advice but good luck, as the kids get older it does get easier.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you were very young when you got together and you have been the frog in the pot as it slowly heats up. Things are boiling now. You haven’t answered any questions about your education and job prospects. Which may mean you are a troll or may mean you are in deep denial of just how bad this is.

Quit talking about all the time you spend making your sick neighbor some soup and get back to school or back to work. The longer you don’t get it together on a career plan, the more tightly you will be trapped. Even if you never divorce, don’t stay married because you are trapped. Make sure you put yourself into a place where you always have options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you were very young when you got together and you have been the frog in the pot as it slowly heats up. Things are boiling now. You haven’t answered any questions about your education and job prospects. Which may mean you are a troll or may mean you are in deep denial of just how bad this is.

Quit talking about all the time you spend making your sick neighbor some soup and get back to school or back to work. The longer you don’t get it together on a career plan, the more tightly you will be trapped. Even if you never divorce, don’t stay married because you are trapped. Make sure you put yourself into a place where you always have options.

OP here. Yes, we were late teenagers, now almost 40.

I have a Bachelor's degree, previously worked for the Fed for a decade before having children. I know it will be hard for anyone to even look at my resume since it has been so long. But... gotta start somewhere!

[Anonymous]

You might like this article from a divorced man about how he felt and the mistakes he made. Maybe if it resonates you can share it with your husband.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

I think your marital situation is kind of typical and you are allowing yourself to become more despondent about it than is necessary. There are also more "just divorce" advocates on this thread than usual.

I think a "roommate marriage" is rather normal. Our ancestors didn't have a lot of expectations around romantic, sexy, beautiful middle-aged lives. People are more built for sticking together and muddling through. Prince Charming is a myth. (Ref: Charles, Harry, and even that Danish king who met his future queen in an Australian bar.) All people in long relationships take the other for granted. I'm a low gifts and compliments person because I prefer a few spontaneously given than lame check-the-box attempts on schedules. Maybe you should ask for "kid free days off" given what makes you stressed.

I would start looking for things your DH can do to bond with the kids. Maybe he can go grocery shopping with the oldest, etc. Find things like that will result in slow improvements. You can also teach your kids to request manageable menus and make sure whoever shops picks up those foods. Put the easy menus on a card and post them on the fridge. A middle elementary schooler should be able to assemble a microwaved soup and sandwich dinner.

[Anonymous]

Your comment on asking your husband to show you your SHARED bank account scares me. Do you know the passwords to all of your accounts? If not, why not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You might like this article from a divorced man about how he felt and the mistakes he made. Maybe if it resonates you can share it with your husband.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

I think your marital situation is kind of typical and you are allowing yourself to become more despondent about it than is necessary. There are also more "just divorce" advocates on this thread than usual.

I think a "roommate marriage" is rather normal. Our ancestors didn't have a lot of expectations around romantic, sexy, beautiful middle-aged lives. People are more built for sticking together and muddling through. Prince Charming is a myth. (Ref: Charles, Harry, and even that Danish king who met his future queen in an Australian bar.) All people in long relationships take the other for granted. I'm a low gifts and compliments person because I prefer a few spontaneously given than lame check-the-box attempts on schedules. Maybe you should ask for "kid free days off" given what makes you stressed.

I would start looking for things your DH can do to bond with the kids. Maybe he can go grocery shopping with the oldest, etc. Find things like that will result in slow improvements. You can also teach your kids to request manageable menus and make sure whoever shops picks up those foods. Put the easy menus on a card and post them on the fridge. A middle elementary schooler should be able to assemble a microwaved soup and sandwich dinner.

Yeah no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You might like this article from a divorced man about how he felt and the mistakes he made. Maybe if it resonates you can share it with your husband.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

I think your marital situation is kind of typical and you are allowing yourself to become more despondent about it than is necessary. There are also more "just divorce" advocates on this thread than usual.

I think a "roommate marriage" is rather normal. Our ancestors didn't have a lot of expectations around romantic, sexy, beautiful middle-aged lives. People are more built for sticking together and muddling through. Prince Charming is a myth. (Ref: Charles, Harry, and even that Danish king who met his future queen in an Australian bar.) All people in long relationships take the other for granted. I'm a low gifts and compliments person because I prefer a few spontaneously given than lame check-the-box attempts on schedules. Maybe you should ask for "kid free days off" given what makes you stressed.

I would start looking for things your DH can do to bond with the kids. Maybe he can go grocery shopping with the oldest, etc. Find things like that will result in slow improvements. You can also teach your kids to request manageable menus and make sure whoever shops picks up those foods. Put the easy menus on a card and post them on the fridge. A middle elementary schooler should be able to assemble a microwaved soup and sandwich dinner.

I agree with all of this.
This thread is really more “pro divorce” than usual.

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree that this stuff isn’t great, but I don’t know that your husband is so horrible.
The guy is the sole breadwinner, folds laundry (albeit at the wrong time), does all of the grocery shopping, and doesn’t seem to be bothered that the house is a little chaotic even though you are a SAHM with at least one of your three kids in school all day.
I’m not saying he’s perfect or should be given a pass on everything, but he doesn’t sound like a complete ogre.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your comment on asking your husband to show you your SHARED bank account scares me. Do you know the passwords to all of your accounts? If not, why not?

OP here. We have separate log in credentials where we can both see the checking and savings accounts. But we can only see our own credit card line/balance and everything is bought under his (I have literally used my CC maybe 20 times in 15 years, I just don't use it). All the debts are under his CC so I cannot see that balance or the charges under my creds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You might like this article from a divorced man about how he felt and the mistakes he made. Maybe if it resonates you can share it with your husband.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

I think your marital situation is kind of typical and you are allowing yourself to become more despondent about it than is necessary. There are also more "just divorce" advocates on this thread than usual.

I think a "roommate marriage" is rather normal. Our ancestors didn't have a lot of expectations around romantic, sexy, beautiful middle-aged lives. People are more built for sticking together and muddling through. Prince Charming is a myth. (Ref: Charles, Harry, and even that Danish king who met his future queen in an Australian bar.) All people in long relationships take the other for granted. I'm a low gifts and compliments person because I prefer a few spontaneously given than lame check-the-box attempts on schedules. Maybe you should ask for "kid free days off" given what makes you stressed.

I would start looking for things your DH can do to bond with the kids. Maybe he can go grocery shopping with the oldest, etc. Find things like that will result in slow improvements. You can also teach your kids to request manageable menus and make sure whoever shops picks up those foods. Put the easy menus on a card and post them on the fridge. A middle elementary schooler should be able to assemble a microwaved soup and sandwich dinner.

OP here. I discovered Matthew many, many years ago and sent him his blog back then. Earlier this summer I bought his book and read it in 2 days despite all the craziness with kids and such. I made him download it for Audible so he can listen to it since he prefers audio books vs. paper.

I manage the grocery list even though I am not the one actually shopping (I don't go because I hate it and even if I loved it, the kids would be left to themselves which is a problem).

Unfortunately he always has a reason to not engage with the kids - I think I mentioned this earlier.

I think I keep trying to bargain with myself but not sure how much longer that can last.

Just thinking about divorce brings about a lot of shame to me. I only have two cousins, one on each side of my family, who divorced their spouses.

My husband has everyone but me fooled. So I already feel shame thinking about initiating a separation because everyone will be all shocked and confused.