Does my husband have ADHD or is this something else??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

He knows exactly how skewed the dynamic is and he's telling you that you're going to deal with this or else he'll impoverish you.

This gave me chills. This dynamic is so evil.

PP here. Yes, evil is their exact right word for this man and many other men like him. A lot of women live with evil people in the form of their husbands. The reality is so disturbing and terrifying, and society is so cruel in blaming women who are the mercy of these evil men, that women end up deep in denial. Hence posts like OP's (and that's not a criticism of you, OP -- neither this bastard's behavior nor your denial are your fault).

OP here. I appreciate your kind words.

I've mentioned a few times that he wasn't always like this.

Thanks for your reply.

Oh, he was always like this. You just didn't know because he didn't have you where he needed you. Once he had you tied down with children, he could show you his true colors and you were weren't going to run anywhere. Wasn't he right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I need help from folks to see if this is really what is going on or if it's something else.. no formal diagnosis, but he told me recently that 2 years ago he assumed he had ADHD but didn't share that with me. So I've basically been going crazy for the last decade but especially since we had our third child earlier this year.

1. Says, "I'll be right back/I won't be gone long" and then 1-2 hours later will return.

2. Will immediately jump into trying to address a problem or research something even when things aren't urgent when I am simply making conversation (ex: yesterday I mentioned that my mom said her ice maker wasn't working while I was trying to get my aunt ice water during Thanksgiving. Husband said, "Now that you mentioned it, I want to get ours working" and started tinkering with it, even though I needed him to help with cleaning). By the way, we don't even use ice for our drinks, or for anything. Never have. So we don't need it to be fixed..

3. Will address other problems that are also not urgent, while I actually need help with time sensitive things (ex: last week I was trying to finish cooking side dishes for Thanksgiving, pack the to-go kids bag, and help all of our kids with their needs/wants and I had asked him to put the laundry in the dryer because I needed a few clothing items for one of our kids. He said, "sure" so I went about continuing my stuff. 20 minutes later and kids and baby screaming, I went upstairs to get him and we met in the hallway - he said, "yeah, I wanted to sort and get the laundry off our bed because it's overdue and it's annoying me" (we have a big pile of it on our bed). I said that while I want to address it too, it's not at all pressing and I need help downstairs. I was angry that he chose to do a less important task in that moment rather than help me get us all out of the door for Thanksgiving.

4. I tell him something or ask him to do something, he says okay, one minute later he forgets and doesn't do it, so I end up doing the task(s).

5. I tell him things constantly, either just in casual conversation (not asking to do something) and he will tell me later that he doesn't remember me saying that (or doesn't remember a certain part of the story) or just straight up says I never said certain things.

6. Takes forever to do what I would consider simple things like make a phone call to schedule a medical appointment or send an email to his boss/co-workers that he is taking PTO (he has missed multiple opportunities to go on vacation simply because he doesn't put leave requests in in advance). Thinks it's fine to send a last minute email to co-workers saying he'll be out (think messaging on a Friday for a Monday off) - I've said you can't do that, it's a shitty way to treat your co-workers when you ask them to cover for you.

7. Jumps at any opportunity to help literally anyone but me and our kids. He'll help my parents, aunt/uncle, his parents, other family, even neighbors who we don't know that well.

8. Never puts down his phone and talks to Internet strangers and co-workers more than his family. A phone or tablet is always in his hands or he is on his laptop constantly. I have told him for years this really bothers me because our kids and I feel invisible to him but he doesn't change.

9. Doesn't play with his kids/always stern with them about noise and making messes with food or toys. Always comes up with a reason he can't play with them (I need to eat, I have to fix something, I'm tired, I just want to relax, etc).

10. Never knows what to do with the kids or how to best deescalate between our older two. He doesn't know who likes what food or how to help our toddler or baby. He is always getting into spats with our oldest, to the point kiddo comes to me and says, "Daddy is being mean" and will also write notes/messages about how they don't want to be around Dad when mad). He also doesn't handle bedtime routine, baths, cooking food for the kids (or me), medical appointments, calendar scheduling, etc. Doesn't help me when we are out of the house, either. When we are anywhere, family homes or social events, I am left to juggle all the kids while he socializes and has a good time, then wonders why I didn't because I'm constantly burnt out. The only tasks he reliably does is wash baby bottles and take out the trash.

11. On the absolutely rare occasion I insist he helps with bathing or preparing food for the kids, it almost always devolves into shouting or just simply not getting done, so I step in and do it all like usual.

12. On the very rare occasion I need to leave the house for an appointment for either just myself (dentist, GYN, eye) or I have to take one or two kids with me for their own, the kid or kids who are left at home won't be taken care of. Every time baby is at home and I'm not, I come home to a soiled baby who has been sitting in pee and poop for extended periods of time (long enough to get a diaper rash) and clothes are dirty, late to eat. The toddler won't have napped, and toddler and oldest won't have eaten but given some snacks or things they have helped themselves to. Husband doesn't feed them an actual meal (I'm not talking gourmet, I just mean something basic like PB&J sandwich, a fruit pouch, sweet potato crackers - something simple). I always walk into a house of chaos. He has left the kids upstairs while he goes into the basement to work on his hobbies. When I confront him about these realities, he says I'm wrong and he was taking care of them. I want to work after the new year but cannot trust him to take care of the kids and it's extremely frustrating.

More info - he works from home and is always telling me how mentally taxing his day is - I am on my feet 16 hours a day chasing after and taking care of the kids, I never get a break, even when he is done working. Because he either jumps straight into his phone or hobbies or just simply says he's tired. We argue a lot about who is more tired and we both think the other doesn't do enough (yeah, I know).

There's plenty more to provide but I'll stop for now.

Is this indictive of ADHD or something else..?

I haven't read everyone's posts, but this screams to me that he's having an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I need help from folks to see if this is really what is going on or if it's something else.. no formal diagnosis, but he told me recently that 2 years ago he assumed he had ADHD but didn't share that with me. So I've basically been going crazy for the last decade but especially since we had our third child earlier this year.

1. Says, "I'll be right back/I won't be gone long" and then 1-2 hours later will return.

2. Will immediately jump into trying to address a problem or research something even when things aren't urgent when I am simply making conversation (ex: yesterday I mentioned that my mom said her ice maker wasn't working while I was trying to get my aunt ice water during Thanksgiving. Husband said, "Now that you mentioned it, I want to get ours working" and started tinkering with it, even though I needed him to help with cleaning). By the way, we don't even use ice for our drinks, or for anything. Never have. So we don't need it to be fixed..

3. Will address other problems that are also not urgent, while I actually need help with time sensitive things (ex: last week I was trying to finish cooking side dishes for Thanksgiving, pack the to-go kids bag, and help all of our kids with their needs/wants and I had asked him to put the laundry in the dryer because I needed a few clothing items for one of our kids. He said, "sure" so I went about continuing my stuff. 20 minutes later and kids and baby screaming, I went upstairs to get him and we met in the hallway - he said, "yeah, I wanted to sort and get the laundry off our bed because it's overdue and it's annoying me" (we have a big pile of it on our bed). I said that while I want to address it too, it's not at all pressing and I need help downstairs. I was angry that he chose to do a less important task in that moment rather than help me get us all out of the door for Thanksgiving.

4. I tell him something or ask him to do something, he says okay, one minute later he forgets and doesn't do it, so I end up doing the task(s).

5. I tell him things constantly, either just in casual conversation (not asking to do something) and he will tell me later that he doesn't remember me saying that (or doesn't remember a certain part of the story) or just straight up says I never said certain things.

6. Takes forever to do what I would consider simple things like make a phone call to schedule a medical appointment or send an email to his boss/co-workers that he is taking PTO (he has missed multiple opportunities to go on vacation simply because he doesn't put leave requests in in advance). Thinks it's fine to send a last minute email to co-workers saying he'll be out (think messaging on a Friday for a Monday off) - I've said you can't do that, it's a shitty way to treat your co-workers when you ask them to cover for you.

7. Jumps at any opportunity to help literally anyone but me and our kids. He'll help my parents, aunt/uncle, his parents, other family, even neighbors who we don't know that well.

8. Never puts down his phone and talks to Internet strangers and co-workers more than his family. A phone or tablet is always in his hands or he is on his laptop constantly. I have told him for years this really bothers me because our kids and I feel invisible to him but he doesn't change.

9. Doesn't play with his kids/always stern with them about noise and making messes with food or toys. Always comes up with a reason he can't play with them (I need to eat, I have to fix something, I'm tired, I just want to relax, etc).

10. Never knows what to do with the kids or how to best deescalate between our older two. He doesn't know who likes what food or how to help our toddler or baby. He is always getting into spats with our oldest, to the point kiddo comes to me and says, "Daddy is being mean" and will also write notes/messages about how they don't want to be around Dad when mad). He also doesn't handle bedtime routine, baths, cooking food for the kids (or me), medical appointments, calendar scheduling, etc. Doesn't help me when we are out of the house, either. When we are anywhere, family homes or social events, I am left to juggle all the kids while he socializes and has a good time, then wonders why I didn't because I'm constantly burnt out. The only tasks he reliably does is wash baby bottles and take out the trash.

11. On the absolutely rare occasion I insist he helps with bathing or preparing food for the kids, it almost always devolves into shouting or just simply not getting done, so I step in and do it all like usual.

12. On the very rare occasion I need to leave the house for an appointment for either just myself (dentist, GYN, eye) or I have to take one or two kids with me for their own, the kid or kids who are left at home won't be taken care of. Every time baby is at home and I'm not, I come home to a soiled baby who has been sitting in pee and poop for extended periods of time (long enough to get a diaper rash) and clothes are dirty, late to eat. The toddler won't have napped, and toddler and oldest won't have eaten but given some snacks or things they have helped themselves to. Husband doesn't feed them an actual meal (I'm not talking gourmet, I just mean something basic like PB&J sandwich, a fruit pouch, sweet potato crackers - something simple). I always walk into a house of chaos. He has left the kids upstairs while he goes into the basement to work on his hobbies. When I confront him about these realities, he says I'm wrong and he was taking care of them. I want to work after the new year but cannot trust him to take care of the kids and it's extremely frustrating.

More info - he works from home and is always telling me how mentally taxing his day is - I am on my feet 16 hours a day chasing after and taking care of the kids, I never get a break, even when he is done working. Because he either jumps straight into his phone or hobbies or just simply says he's tired. We argue a lot about who is more tired and we both think the other doesn't do enough (yeah, I know).

There's plenty more to provide but I'll stop for now.

Is this indictive of ADHD or something else..?

I haven't read everyone's posts, but this screams to me that he's having an affair.

I'm the PP who is pointing out that this man's behavior is very deliberate. I agree with you completely. I just didn't want to point out to OP because she doesn't need the extra stress.

This man isn't pretending not to give a shit. He truly does not give a single shit, but he does not want to pay child support and might not want to deal with the social stigma of divorce. If he's not already having an affair, then it's just because he doesn't have any takers currently. He's looking.

Anyway, if the reality of how conniving and cold blooded man is does not motivate OP to start lining up her ducks to leave in a year or two or three, then knowledge of an affair won't do it either.

OP, you have all my sympathy because this is not your fault. What you're going through is an extremely common experience. Maybe even the majority experience for married women, even though few will admit it especially if they're not divorced yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

He knows exactly how skewed the dynamic is and he's telling you that you're going to deal with this or else he'll impoverish you.

This gave me chills. This dynamic is so evil.

PP here. Yes, evil is their exact right word for this man and many other men like him. A lot of women live with evil people in the form of their husbands. The reality is so disturbing and terrifying, and society is so cruel in blaming women who are the mercy of these evil men, that women end up deep in denial. Hence posts like OP's (and that's not a criticism of you, OP -- neither this bastard's behavior nor your denial are your fault).

OP here. I appreciate your kind words.

I've mentioned a few times that he wasn't always like this.

Thanks for your reply.

Oh, he was always like this. You just didn't know because he didn't have you where he needed you. Once he had you tied down with children, he could show you his true colors and you were weren't going to run anywhere. Wasn't he right?

OP here. Ugh, this is a sucker punch to read but you're right.

I have been so caught up with the children that I guess I didn't have time to sit and ponder, I just have to get shit done.

I have been relentless, though, about getting off electronics. Hasn't stuck yet. Don't think it ever will.

[Anonymous]

I could have written this OP. I’m now in the process of separating.

I’m so sorry. It’s very lonely and a special kind of invisible hardship to be married to a man like this. It’s also devastating to me that my kids won’t live the life I imagined for them. But there is only so much of this behavior that one person can tolerate. I did it for a long time. It got a lot worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I need help from folks to see if this is really what is going on or if it's something else.. no formal diagnosis, but he told me recently that 2 years ago he assumed he had ADHD but didn't share that with me. So I've basically been going crazy for the last decade but especially since we had our third child earlier this year.

1. Says, "I'll be right back/I won't be gone long" and then 1-2 hours later will return.

2. Will immediately jump into trying to address a problem or research something even when things aren't urgent when I am simply making conversation (ex: yesterday I mentioned that my mom said her ice maker wasn't working while I was trying to get my aunt ice water during Thanksgiving. Husband said, "Now that you mentioned it, I want to get ours working" and started tinkering with it, even though I needed him to help with cleaning). By the way, we don't even use ice for our drinks, or for anything. Never have. So we don't need it to be fixed..

3. Will address other problems that are also not urgent, while I actually need help with time sensitive things (ex: last week I was trying to finish cooking side dishes for Thanksgiving, pack the to-go kids bag, and help all of our kids with their needs/wants and I had asked him to put the laundry in the dryer because I needed a few clothing items for one of our kids. He said, "sure" so I went about continuing my stuff. 20 minutes later and kids and baby screaming, I went upstairs to get him and we met in the hallway - he said, "yeah, I wanted to sort and get the laundry off our bed because it's overdue and it's annoying me" (we have a big pile of it on our bed). I said that while I want to address it too, it's not at all pressing and I need help downstairs. I was angry that he chose to do a less important task in that moment rather than help me get us all out of the door for Thanksgiving.

4. I tell him something or ask him to do something, he says okay, one minute later he forgets and doesn't do it, so I end up doing the task(s).

5. I tell him things constantly, either just in casual conversation (not asking to do something) and he will tell me later that he doesn't remember me saying that (or doesn't remember a certain part of the story) or just straight up says I never said certain things.

6. Takes forever to do what I would consider simple things like make a phone call to schedule a medical appointment or send an email to his boss/co-workers that he is taking PTO (he has missed multiple opportunities to go on vacation simply because he doesn't put leave requests in in advance). Thinks it's fine to send a last minute email to co-workers saying he'll be out (think messaging on a Friday for a Monday off) - I've said you can't do that, it's a shitty way to treat your co-workers when you ask them to cover for you.

7. Jumps at any opportunity to help literally anyone but me and our kids. He'll help my parents, aunt/uncle, his parents, other family, even neighbors who we don't know that well.

8. Never puts down his phone and talks to Internet strangers and co-workers more than his family. A phone or tablet is always in his hands or he is on his laptop constantly. I have told him for years this really bothers me because our kids and I feel invisible to him but he doesn't change.

9. Doesn't play with his kids/always stern with them about noise and making messes with food or toys. Always comes up with a reason he can't play with them (I need to eat, I have to fix something, I'm tired, I just want to relax, etc).

10. Never knows what to do with the kids or how to best deescalate between our older two. He doesn't know who likes what food or how to help our toddler or baby. He is always getting into spats with our oldest, to the point kiddo comes to me and says, "Daddy is being mean" and will also write notes/messages about how they don't want to be around Dad when mad). He also doesn't handle bedtime routine, baths, cooking food for the kids (or me), medical appointments, calendar scheduling, etc. Doesn't help me when we are out of the house, either. When we are anywhere, family homes or social events, I am left to juggle all the kids while he socializes and has a good time, then wonders why I didn't because I'm constantly burnt out. The only tasks he reliably does is wash baby bottles and take out the trash.

11. On the absolutely rare occasion I insist he helps with bathing or preparing food for the kids, it almost always devolves into shouting or just simply not getting done, so I step in and do it all like usual.

12. On the very rare occasion I need to leave the house for an appointment for either just myself (dentist, GYN, eye) or I have to take one or two kids with me for their own, the kid or kids who are left at home won't be taken care of. Every time baby is at home and I'm not, I come home to a soiled baby who has been sitting in pee and poop for extended periods of time (long enough to get a diaper rash) and clothes are dirty, late to eat. The toddler won't have napped, and toddler and oldest won't have eaten but given some snacks or things they have helped themselves to. Husband doesn't feed them an actual meal (I'm not talking gourmet, I just mean something basic like PB&J sandwich, a fruit pouch, sweet potato crackers - something simple). I always walk into a house of chaos. He has left the kids upstairs while he goes into the basement to work on his hobbies. When I confront him about these realities, he says I'm wrong and he was taking care of them. I want to work after the new year but cannot trust him to take care of the kids and it's extremely frustrating.

More info - he works from home and is always telling me how mentally taxing his day is - I am on my feet 16 hours a day chasing after and taking care of the kids, I never get a break, even when he is done working. Because he either jumps straight into his phone or hobbies or just simply says he's tired. We argue a lot about who is more tired and we both think the other doesn't do enough (yeah, I know).

There's plenty more to provide but I'll stop for now.

Is this indictive of ADHD or something else..?

I haven't read everyone's posts, but this screams to me that he's having an affair.

I'm the PP who is pointing out that this man's behavior is very deliberate. I agree with you completely. I just didn't want to point out to OP because she doesn't need the extra stress.

This man isn't pretending not to give a shit. He truly does not give a single shit, but he does not want to pay child support and might not want to deal with the social stigma of divorce. If he's not already having an affair, then it's just because he doesn't have any takers currently. He's looking.

Anyway, if the reality of how conniving and cold blooded man is does not motivate OP to start lining up her ducks to leave in a year or two or three, then knowledge of an affair won't do it either.

OP, you have all my sympathy because this is not your fault. What you're going through is an extremely common experience. Maybe even the majority experience for married women, even though few will admit it especially if they're not divorced yet.

OP here. Earlier this year, I started possibly suspecting this, but he rarely leaves the house because he works from home. I mean, he does all the grocery shopping because I hate doing that. But I don't think he's sneaking in side pieces when he goes out, especially because most shopping trips are impromptu.

I made him show me the bank account because I thought maybe he was on OF or something but I didn't see anything suspicious.

He doesn't travel much for work, but he will always go into the office for happy hours and such.

[Anonymous]

I’m fairly certain my husband who is like this is auDHD with narcissistic traits.

[Anonymous]

This is my ex, to a tee. He got diagnosed in his 40's. the diagnosis for your husband will be meaningless unless he'll agree to medicate, FYI.

I date an ADD guy too, so I'm basically dealing with this all the time. Good times. But at least with my BF, we don't have kids together so there are fewer balls for him to drop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could have written this OP. I’m now in the process of separating.

I’m so sorry. It’s very lonely and a special kind of invisible hardship to be married to a man like this. It’s also devastating to me that my kids won’t live the life I imagined for them. But there is only so much of this behavior that one person can tolerate. I did it for a long time. It got a lot worse.

OP here. Gosh, I'm so sorry.

And yeah, you're right, it's extremely isolating.

Every year for Mother's Day or my birthday, he doesn't even try to do anything special or out-of-the-ordinary for me.

I have a number of food allergies, so I can't have French toast (no wheat, eggs, other foods that aren't top 9) but I eat fruit, potatoes, he could make wheat free/egg free waffles (I do this all the time for the bigger kids who also share a split of *my* food allergies) but he can't be bothered to make an effort even on the special days.

He always claims he doesn't know what to make me food wise because of my allergies and says he never knows what to get me "because I don't have any hobbies" without realizing that A) I actually have interests that he should know after 15 years and B) I don't have hobbies because I don't have time or energy for hobbies.

Jush hurts that he basically says he doesn't even know me after all this time.

Meanwhile, I am incredibly thoughtful of everyone, special days or not. I cook for family when they're having hard times, I get meaningful gifts for them. I'm always checking up on people, staying connected with long distance family and friends, even just sending a text letting them know I'm thinking about them.

It sucks that I don't even have a partner who values me and can even do two days a year to make me really feel loved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m fairly certain my husband who is like this is auDHD with narcissistic traits.

OP here. Ugh. The narcissism is something I didn't even get into here. This shit sucks. I empathize with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is my ex, to a tee. He got diagnosed in his 40's. the diagnosis for your husband will be meaningless unless he'll agree to medicate, FYI.

I date an ADD guy too, so I'm basically dealing with this all the time. Good times. But at least with my BF, we don't have kids together so there are fewer balls for him to drop.

OP here. Yes, I think I know deep down that even if he gets a formal diagnosis, I don't believe he'll do anything about it.

Because just having a diagnosis isn't going to suddenly want to make him change. He's had ample opportunities over the years to do something and hasn't.

Wishing you well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is my ex, to a tee. He got diagnosed in his 40's. the diagnosis for your husband will be meaningless unless he'll agree to medicate, FYI.

I date an ADD guy too, so I'm basically dealing with this all the time. Good times. But at least with my BF, we don't have kids together so there are fewer balls for him to drop.

Life’s too short. Date someone without mental problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could have written this OP. I’m now in the process of separating.

I’m so sorry. It’s very lonely and a special kind of invisible hardship to be married to a man like this. It’s also devastating to me that my kids won’t live the life I imagined for them. But there is only so much of this behavior that one person can tolerate. I did it for a long time. It got a lot worse.

OP here. Gosh, I'm so sorry.

And yeah, you're right, it's extremely isolating.

Every year for Mother's Day or my birthday, he doesn't even try to do anything special or out-of-the-ordinary for me.

I have a number of food allergies, so I can't have French toast (no wheat, eggs, other foods that aren't top 9) but I eat fruit, potatoes, he could make wheat free/egg free waffles (I do this all the time for the bigger kids who also share a split of *my* food allergies) but he can't be bothered to make an effort even on the special days.

He always claims he doesn't know what to make me food wise because of my allergies and says he never knows what to get me "because I don't have any hobbies" without realizing that A) I actually have interests that he should know after 15 years and B) I don't have hobbies because I don't have time or energy for hobbies.

Jush hurts that he basically says he doesn't even know me after all this time.

Meanwhile, I am incredibly thoughtful of everyone, special days or not. I cook for family when they're having hard times, I get meaningful gifts for them. I'm always checking up on people, staying connected with long distance family and friends, even just sending a text letting them know I'm thinking about them.

It sucks that I don't even have a partner who values me and can even do two days a year to make me really feel loved.

I can’t tell you how many birthdays mine missed. How many mother’s days or Christmases with no gift or something thrown together at the last minute, I’m talking CVS level gifts. Most gifts that ever appeared were about him and not me at all.

We were living two parallel lives the entire time.

I wanted so badly for us to be okay when our kids were little bc I was terrified to be a single mom with babies/toddlers, so I think my brain protected me by not letting me fully feel the extent of what was happening. I kind of numbed out. But one day, I just woke up, and it all came crashing down on me and I realized how bad it had gotten and that I had to get out.

I swear journaling saved my mind. If yours frequently lies or challenges your reality, I can’t recommend journaling enough. Over time, you can look back and see all of the events and it will be a bit easier to do what you have to do.

[Anonymous]

For the love of God, please take some control over your life. Meet with an attorney, get a job and think about therapy (no particular order). With every suggestion, you answer with why this won’t work. His parent’s clout will have impact? No, his parents don’t get a say in YOUR marriage. I am sorry you are tired, but in a year’s time, you will be just as tired or more so. Time to take the reins. Your husband is banking on you to do nothing.

[Anonymous]

I've mentioned a few times that he wasn't always like this.

He's been like this for at least 10 years:

Anonymous wrote: I've basically been going crazy for the last decade

Get a job, therapy, and a divorce lawyer.