Need an outside perspective

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand what OP should have communicated to her husband here.

If I had a pot of stock on the stove, I might tell DH before I run out that I have something on the stove, I might not, depending on how long the errand takes. He probably would have been in the kitchen with me at some point and I would have told him about it.

But I would never expect that an adult man would just throw out a pot of food on the stove without asking what I'm doing. That behavior makes no sense, unless her DH either A. hates the soup she is making and is malicious enough to throw it out instead of telling her not to make it, B. is a psychopath trying to upset her and make her feel crazy.

There has to be more to this story.

It’s not clearly food. It’s stock. It could have been dirty water for all he knows. In my house, we don’t leave half projects without communicating. We also try and help each other and clean messy dishes.

But do you cook dirty water, in your house?

I cook potatoes in water. I cook pasta in water.

I guess you don’t cook much if this is a new concept for you.

Sick burn.

No, I cook all the time, which means my family is familiar with what food cooking looks like.
My family is intelligent enough to differentiate between simmering stock and dirty water- if yours isn’t I understand the “communicating” you need to do. Smarter people stipulate.

You think this a good response? OP’s husband dumped the stock. Obviously she needs to speak. I’m not taking the chance. Let’s be real. No one in your house is helping so there is no chance of this happening in yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I usually hate this term, but he is 100% gaslighting you. Agree with PP above, I’d be surprised if this came out of nowhere. Is this how he usually acts?

That’s what it feels like to me. And he paints this picture of himself how he is totally calm and rational, and how I sound- he literally acts out what I sound like and I wish I could have recorded and played it back to you, because it’s some really gross mischaracerization projected at his top volume.

It is crazy making.

He has always done this after he makes a mistake and I get upset about it.

He won’t apologize but just blames me and makes me out to be some crazy person with major communication issues when some deep seated issues that is trying to paint him as a horrible person who is trying to hurt me and do terrible things. When I have never said anything close to that.

We throw the divorce card around far too easily on this board but this guy has a major screw loose and it sounds like you’ve been dealing with this for awhile.

He didn’t make a mistake. This was on purpose, what’s not clear is why he did it.

Ah, yes, the sage wisdom diagnosis of a random anon on the internet working from, at best, half the story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He didn’t know enough.. it’s unfortunate.
You can be sad about the broth.
But if he didn’t know, you can’t be particularly sad about HIM and the broth.

But do be sad about the broth. It was a representation of your limited time and energy.

Go to him, and make sure he knows you’re not upset about him. It just felt like a sad moment to find out your work was gone, and now a new dinner plan…. See if he will buy dinner. “Please can you make it better for me? I don’t have another dinner plan. Can you help me with this? Again, I’m not upset at you for taking care of our house. It’s only unfortunate.”

Rereading this. I want to try this approach.

But what if I’m more sad about his reaction and defensiveness? I don’t even care about the broth anymore.

Focus on your own response first. Otherwise you need to start with the way you dealt with it. You want to focus on his reaction while bypassing yours.

OP seems way more interested in rehashing the drama than taking accountability for her side of the street.

Her side of the street? For making soup?

No soup for you, weirdo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He could have texted you "what's on the stove? should I throw it out?"
So I think the communication issue is on him.

By the way, he sounds like a jerk for putting you down because he threw out several hours of your labor. Couldn't he just say, "oh, no, I'm sorry, I didn't know you had a plan for the pot's contents"?

His defense mechanism is to negate you. Seeing your spouse as a competitor in who is right is bad for a marriage.

This

He should have called or texted and not touched your cooking project.

Even a dumbass college roommate knows that.

And I bet you have made broth stock before so he had no excuse and should be very apologetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thinking about this more, his reaction is similar to my son’s reaction when he makes a mistake. And that helps me have a little bit more compassion.

When my son accidentally breaks something or hurts me or whatever, he automatically starts blaming me and yelling at me saying it was my fault, even when I don’t even say anything.

I guess it is sort of a defensive reaction.

You have a husband and son problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand what OP should have communicated to her husband here.

If I had a pot of stock on the stove, I might tell DH before I run out that I have something on the stove, I might not, depending on how long the errand takes. He probably would have been in the kitchen with me at some point and I would have told him about it.

But I would never expect that an adult man would just throw out a pot of food on the stove without asking what I'm doing. That behavior makes no sense, unless her DH either A. hates the soup she is making and is malicious enough to throw it out instead of telling her not to make it, B. is a psychopath trying to upset her and make her feel crazy.

There has to be more to this story.

It’s not clearly food. It’s stock. It could have been dirty water for all he knows. In my house, we don’t leave half projects without communicating. We also try and help each other and clean messy dishes.

But do you cook dirty water, in your house?

I cook potatoes in water. I cook pasta in water.

I guess you don’t cook much if this is a new concept for you.

Sick burn.

No, I cook all the time, which means my family is familiar with what food cooking looks like.
My family is intelligent enough to differentiate between simmering stock and dirty water- if yours isn’t I understand the “communicating” you need to do. Smarter people stipulate.

I doubt she would have left the stove on without telling anyone while she went to the store? Do people do that - leave things cooking on the stove top and leave the house? I am assuming she had turned the stove off or taken the pot off the stove given she didn't tell him she had stock simmering on the stove.

I often have pots of dirty looking water on the stove or beside the stove because I will fill them to soak before I wash them after I am doing cooking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand what OP should have communicated to her husband here.

If I had a pot of stock on the stove, I might tell DH before I run out that I have something on the stove, I might not, depending on how long the errand takes. He probably would have been in the kitchen with me at some point and I would have told him about it.

But I would never expect that an adult man would just throw out a pot of food on the stove without asking what I'm doing. That behavior makes no sense, unless her DH either A. hates the soup she is making and is malicious enough to throw it out instead of telling her not to make it, B. is a psychopath trying to upset her and make her feel crazy.

There has to be more to this story.

It’s not clearly food. It’s stock. It could have been dirty water for all he knows. In my house, we don’t leave half projects without communicating. We also try and help each other and clean messy dishes.

But do you cook dirty water, in your house?

I cook potatoes in water. I cook pasta in water.

I guess you don’t cook much if this is a new concept for you.

Sick burn.

No, I cook all the time, which means my family is familiar with what food cooking looks like.
My family is intelligent enough to differentiate between simmering stock and dirty water- if yours isn’t I understand the “communicating” you need to do. Smarter people stipulate.

You think this a good response? OP’s husband dumped the stock. Obviously she needs to speak. I’m not taking the chance. Let’s be real. No one in your house is helping so there is no chance of this happening in yours.

Helping? I mean you’re correct- no one in my house “helps” by throwing out what I made.

But - I soup for you weirdo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand what OP should have communicated to her husband here.

If I had a pot of stock on the stove, I might tell DH before I run out that I have something on the stove, I might not, depending on how long the errand takes. He probably would have been in the kitchen with me at some point and I would have told him about it.

But I would never expect that an adult man would just throw out a pot of food on the stove without asking what I'm doing. That behavior makes no sense, unless her DH either A. hates the soup she is making and is malicious enough to throw it out instead of telling her not to make it, B. is a psychopath trying to upset her and make her feel crazy.

There has to be more to this story.

It’s not clearly food. It’s stock. It could have been dirty water for all he knows. In my house, we don’t leave half projects without communicating. We also try and help each other and clean messy dishes.

But do you cook dirty water, in your house?

I cook potatoes in water. I cook pasta in water.

I guess you don’t cook much if this is a new concept for you.

Sick burn.

No, I cook all the time, which means my family is familiar with what food cooking looks like.
My family is intelligent enough to differentiate between simmering stock and dirty water- if yours isn’t I understand the “communicating” you need to do. Smarter people stipulate.

I doubt she would have left the stove on without telling anyone while she went to the store? Do people do that - leave things cooking on the stove top and leave the house? I am assuming she had turned the stove off or taken the pot off the stove given she didn't tell him she had stock simmering on the stove.

I often have pots of dirty looking water on the stove or beside the stove because I will fill them to soak before I wash them after I am doing cooking.

That’s so gross. You literally leave dirty pots out on your stove filled with water? I’m skeeved

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand what OP should have communicated to her husband here.

If I had a pot of stock on the stove, I might tell DH before I run out that I have something on the stove, I might not, depending on how long the errand takes. He probably would have been in the kitchen with me at some point and I would have told him about it.

But I would never expect that an adult man would just throw out a pot of food on the stove without asking what I'm doing. That behavior makes no sense, unless her DH either A. hates the soup she is making and is malicious enough to throw it out instead of telling her not to make it, B. is a psychopath trying to upset her and make her feel crazy.

There has to be more to this story.

It’s not clearly food. It’s stock. It could have been dirty water for all he knows. In my house, we don’t leave half projects without communicating. We also try and help each other and clean messy dishes.

But do you cook dirty water, in your house?

I cook potatoes in water. I cook pasta in water.

I guess you don’t cook much if this is a new concept for you.

Sick burn.

No, I cook all the time, which means my family is familiar with what food cooking looks like.
My family is intelligent enough to differentiate between simmering stock and dirty water- if yours isn’t I understand the “communicating” you need to do. Smarter people stipulate.

You think this a good response? OP’s husband dumped the stock. Obviously she needs to speak. I’m not taking the chance. Let’s be real. No one in your house is helping so there is no chance of this happening in yours.

What does “not taking the chance” look like from a bigger picture? Do you remind them to breathe? To wipe?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He didn’t know enough.. it’s unfortunate.
You can be sad about the broth.
But if he didn’t know, you can’t be particularly sad about HIM and the broth.

But do be sad about the broth. It was a representation of your limited time and energy.

Go to him, and make sure he knows you’re not upset about him. It just felt like a sad moment to find out your work was gone, and now a new dinner plan…. See if he will buy dinner. “Please can you make it better for me? I don’t have another dinner plan. Can you help me with this? Again, I’m not upset at you for taking care of our house. It’s only unfortunate.”

No way, don’t be upset about the broth. Be upset about him, and the fact that you have a husband whose emotional regulation is apparently on par with your son’s (a literal child). Also, the suggested language above sounds utterly pathetic.

[Anonymous]

OP, if I’m honest, you sound like a bit of a masochist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand what OP should have communicated to her husband here.

If I had a pot of stock on the stove, I might tell DH before I run out that I have something on the stove, I might not, depending on how long the errand takes. He probably would have been in the kitchen with me at some point and I would have told him about it.

But I would never expect that an adult man would just throw out a pot of food on the stove without asking what I'm doing. That behavior makes no sense, unless her DH either A. hates the soup she is making and is malicious enough to throw it out instead of telling her not to make it, B. is a psychopath trying to upset her and make her feel crazy.

There has to be more to this story.

It’s not clearly food. It’s stock. It could have been dirty water for all he knows. In my house, we don’t leave half projects without communicating. We also try and help each other and clean messy dishes.

But do you cook dirty water, in your house?

I cook potatoes in water. I cook pasta in water.

I guess you don’t cook much if this is a new concept for you.

Sick burn.

No, I cook all the time, which means my family is familiar with what food cooking looks like.
My family is intelligent enough to differentiate between simmering stock and dirty water- if yours isn’t I understand the “communicating” you need to do. Smarter people stipulate.

You think this a good response? OP’s husband dumped the stock. Obviously she needs to speak. I’m not taking the chance. Let’s be real. No one in your house is helping so there is no chance of this happening in yours.

What does “not taking the chance” look like from a bigger picture? Do you remind them to breathe? To wipe?

It must be hard being this dumb.

[Anonymous]

Did he wash the pot or just empty it and.leqve for you to wash?

[Anonymous]

Cleaning up stock takes a lot of work. I can’t figure out if the bones, etc were out yet, but even if they were, there’s still fat to skim and everything else. It takes a deliberate and focused amount of effort to empty and clean a full stock pot that hasn’t been skimmed. This is weird behavior.

My DH pulled stuff like this for a period of ~2 years before he spontaneously filed for divorce. In hindsight I think he was trying to get me to file first. It was really rough and I couldn’t see what was happening until years later.

This won’t help your situation except maybe to define your situation, OP, but looking up DARVO might be useful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did he wash the pot or just empty it and.leqve for you to wash?

He didn’t throw out the bones and meat. Just threw out all the stock. He probably thought I was just boiling the meat to eat. And he was not awake during the hours I was working on the stock so I don’t think he realized it was stock.

I managed to salvage it by just reboiling everything. The meat is way overcooked but still edible. So I feel better that it didn’t all just go to waste.

Maybe I do get a little territorial with food I’m preparing. I don’t like my husband coming in and “helping” and I’ve told him that. Because he just does things without asking, assumes things, and it inevitably ends in some miscommunication between us. And often, when I say one thing, he somehow hears it as the exact opposite thing. At first I thought it was intentional but I realized it’s like some sort of verbal dyslexia. It’s led to lots of fights.