Moms who are out of the young kids phase - I need your wisdom

[Anonymous]

I only have two, but mine are middle and high school, but not driving. I have no idea how people who work in an office do it with the sick days, doctor's appointments and all of the holidays and days off and 5pm practices 1/2 an hour away. Our weekends are for fun and relaxing, not chores and errands as I get all of that stuff done during the week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a very active career until my oldest of three entered MS. We had just moved to a new state and I was worried that they were entering a critical age of independence and being influenced by other kids who might get them in trouble. So I took a break to stay close to home and I found a part time job that I enjoyed but gave me the time to be around before and after school. My kids are now adults and they have turned out great. They may have gotten there on their own but I’m very happy with the decision I made. Thankfully my husband had a very good job so money wasn’t a big issue. When my youngest was about to head to college I went back to full time for a few more years just to put more money away for retirement.

Good advice. I you both have super demanding jobs, something may have to give in the elementary school years, but if one of you has flexibility, remote work, or a true 9-5 type situation (with short commute), there is no need to cut back in elementary school. The logistics and parenting work IMO become harder once they start middle school, so I would suggest cutting back then, rather than in K, as much as it may seem like it will be easier when they are older. The elementary years are really a sweet spot once you go through all the phases! Once you have a safe teen driver, it becomes easier again to ramp back up, if you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me it was easier to work full time with little kids than it was elementary age kids. 0 to 7 it was nbd to drop at day care, or use before and after care at school. My kids didnt have many/any evening activities. I would pick up at 530pm and have a few hours at home before bed which was perfect.

In 2nd grade the sports, music lessons, play dates, scouts, etc, started and school had more half days and days off and working full time was hard. I felt like I couldn't do either parenting or work well enough.

I think staying home or working part time when your kids are aged 7 to 13 is ideal.

Why’s that fool?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have three young kids. My career is at an inflection point and I’m considering taking a pause to be fully present with my kids.

If your kids are out of the little kid phase - looking back, do you think it matters to have a stay at home mom? Do you regret working full time or staying home full time? Or are you happy that you continued your career or stayed home? I would love to hear how parents whose kids are older reflect on working vs staying home.

I think it matters a lot when they’re younger. But then, when they’re teenagers, they weirdly need you even more. If you are feeling the pull, do it. But in full knowledge of the fact that going “back” will mean smaller/part time/less pay. Good luck. No easy answer here.

[Anonymous]

I work from home with a very flexible job and I usually done by 3pm. I think the most important years are when kids are older actually. Mine are 12, 10 and 6 and need ME. When they were 0-4 it did not matter who was there changing their diapers or cooking their meals. Now it’s when they need to talk, need help (socially, academically, etc). Now it’s when sports and friendships matter and being able to have play date, host friends, etc is most important.

Also, my kids are in private school and many moms do not work or have part time flexible jobs like me so it helps to get to know other parents kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I work from home with a very flexible job and I usually done by 3pm. I think the most important years are when kids are older actually. Mine are 12, 10 and 6 and need ME. When they were 0-4 it did not matter who was there changing their diapers or cooking their meals. Now it’s when they need to talk, need help (socially, academically, etc). Now it’s when sports and friendships matter and being able to have play date, host friends, etc is most important.

Also, my kids are in private school and many moms do not work or have part time flexible jobs like me so it helps to get to know other parents kids.

Why’s that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you can stay home while they are 0-5 age, then do it. You get to be with them all day and make the most of that time away from work.

Once they are in school, then you aren't really spending time with them, just making logistics asier for drop offs, pick ups, sick days etc. So go back to work and hire someone to do the logistics.

Outside of the 0-5 years, i think both parents should work. I am a firm believer that both parents have a financially responsibility as adults to contribute towards supporting themselves and the kids they chose to have, and both parents have a hands on responsibility to take on some childcare and the domestic work that comes with kids. I am not a fan of a parent absolving themselves of all responsibility in one area or the other and putting it 100% on the other parent. I think it is best for all if both parents are actively involved in the major aspects of being adults and parents.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can stay home while they are 0-5 age, then do it. You get to be with them all day and make the most of that time away from work.

Once they are in school, then you aren't really spending time with them, just making logistics asier for drop offs, pick ups, sick days etc. So go back to work and hire someone to do the logistics.

Outside of the 0-5 years, i think both parents should work. I am a firm believer that both parents have a financially responsibility as adults to contribute towards supporting themselves and the kids they chose to have, and both parents have a hands on responsibility to take on some childcare and the domestic work that comes with kids. I am not a fan of a parent absolving themselves of all responsibility in one area or the other and putting it 100% on the other parent. I think it is best for all if both parents are actively involved in the major aspects of being adults and parents.

Exactly.

Strongly disagree. Kids don’t even remember ages 0-5 and as long as you have qualified caregivers there is absolutely no reason to not have a job. Kids start to really need you in late elementary school. They need the emotional support and there is a lot for them to learn from you that really matters. It also gets fun and if you’re working FT it’s challenging to manage all the activities, vacations etc.

But overall I would argue against your insistence on equality. In most of these cases, the woman still does so much more work than the husband and also has to go through childbirth and breastfeeding.

Being treated as though you’re a man but without the privilege of one is a recipe for an unhappy, resentful woman. However it is truly great for a man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I only have two, but mine are middle and high school, but not driving. I have no idea how people who work in an office do it with the sick days, doctor's appointments and all of the holidays and days off and 5pm practices 1/2 an hour away. Our weekends are for fun and relaxing, not chores and errands as I get all of that stuff done during the week.

So, if you stay in your career you keep progressing and end up with some flexibility. I work full time but it’s no issue for me to take off for doctors appointments and school events.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They absolutely don’t need you to stay home. I’m very glad I kept working. I think it’s actually harder when the kids get older, school hours are shorter, more homework, activities and appointments - sometimes I wish one of us stayed at home to manage it all! But I never ever wished that in the younger years.

Certainly some people prefer the SAH arrangement (including two of my siblings) and that’s fine too if that’s what you want. But I would never choose just because of some vague feeling that it is better for the kids.

+1

And DH got laid off, so there’s that. We can have our normal life since I’m still working - no taking them out of activities private school, mortgage gets paid- less savings - other than that not change at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I only have two, but mine are middle and high school, but not driving. I have no idea how people who work in an office do it with the sick days, doctor's appointments and all of the holidays and days off and 5pm practices 1/2 an hour away. Our weekends are for fun and relaxing, not chores and errands as I get all of that stuff done during the week.

We are masters of time management and teach that valuable skill to our kids at a young age - mystery solved!

Our weekends are also for fun and relaxation. It’s possible to do it all when your run your home with efficiency and discipline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I only have two, but mine are middle and high school, but not driving. I have no idea how people who work in an office do it with the sick days, doctor's appointments and all of the holidays and days off and 5pm practices 1/2 an hour away. Our weekends are for fun and relaxing, not chores and errands as I get all of that stuff done during the week.

We are masters of time management and teach that valuable skill to our kids at a young age - mystery solved!

Our weekends are also for fun and relaxation. It’s possible to do it all when your run your home with efficiency and discipline.

Oh yeah, this too! Working mom who post above about flexibility, I am also single and had to get into a lot of routines that help kemp everything running so I don’t have to spend my whole weekend cooking and cleaning. Things like batch cooking, a weekly cleaning schedule that keeps the house from becoming a disaster that takes hours to clean up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I only have two, but mine are middle and high school, but not driving. I have no idea how people who work in an office do it with the sick days, doctor's appointments and all of the holidays and days off and 5pm practices 1/2 an hour away. Our weekends are for fun and relaxing, not chores and errands as I get all of that stuff done during the week.

We are masters of time management and teach that valuable skill to our kids at a young age - mystery solved!

Our weekends are also for fun and relaxation. It’s possible to do it all when your run your home with efficiency and discipline.

I’m sure this is true, but you also need a job with a flexible schedule. No amount of efficiency and discipline allows you to be driving a kid to practice at 4:30 pm if you can’t leave your office until 5:00 pm, for example.

[Anonymous]

What did you decide, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I only have two, but mine are middle and high school, but not driving. I have no idea how people who work in an office do it with the sick days, doctor's appointments and all of the holidays and days off and 5pm practices 1/2 an hour away. Our weekends are for fun and relaxing, not chores and errands as I get all of that stuff done during the week.

We are masters of time management and teach that valuable skill to our kids at a young age - mystery solved!

Our weekends are also for fun and relaxation. It’s possible to do it all when your run your home with efficiency and discipline.

I’m sure this is true, but you also need a job with a flexible schedule. No amount of efficiency and discipline allows you to be driving a kid to practice at 4:30 pm if you can’t leave your office until 5:00 pm, for example.

+1.
And sure, everything works in theory, but it's a house of cards. If your kid wakes up sick, or the nanny quits, or you have a crisis at work or with a client - one wrong thing in the plan and it all falls to sh*t.

Discipline works for dieting, but not when there are so many elements of life that are outside of your control.