Moms who are out of the young kids phase - I need your wisdom

[Anonymous]

For me it was easier to work full time with little kids than it was elementary age kids. 0 to 7 it was nbd to drop at day care, or use before and after care at school. My kids didnt have many/any evening activities. I would pick up at 530pm and have a few hours at home before bed which was perfect.

In 2nd grade the sports, music lessons, play dates, scouts, etc, started and school had more half days and days off and working full time was hard. I felt like I couldn't do either parenting or work well enough.

I think staying home or working part time when your kids are aged 7 to 13 is ideal.

[Anonymous]

No regrets in staying home. Make sure your marriage is stable and you have money in your name only.

[Anonymous]

I lost my job in the 2008-10 economic crash. Peeked around at listings, the pay had fallen through the floor. Had young kids at the time and stayed home with husband's blessing. Never went back to work. Youngest is a HS senior this year. I have zero regrets. I got to see our kids grow up! I was able to be present with them in a way that I wouldn't have been able to be with work emails to answer and a split attention span. Our kids are happy and positive, not anxious and depressed. Get told how they seem so mature and centered for their ages. Oldest manages a chain business as a student job at 21. How much of who've they become is the result of having a parent at home I do not know, but I'm glad I got to be around to see them grow up. Of course, you need a spouse who is fine with it, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No regrets in staying home. Make sure your marriage is stable and you have money in your name only.

The problem is you can’t “make sure” your marriage is stable. You can assess honestly and hope, but ultimately it’s out of your control.

[Anonymous]

SAH often benefits the family as a whole but it’s the sahp who unilaterally bears most of the risk.

[Anonymous]

This thread is very long and I haven't read the posts, but I have 12 and 14 year olds and NOW is the time that I wish I could take off work and spend more time with them/support their school and activities. They need a lot more now as middle and high schoolers than they ever needed as toddlers/elementary schoolers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is very long and I haven't read the posts, but I have 12 and 14 year olds and NOW is the time that I wish I could take off work and spend more time with them/support their school and activities. They need a lot more now as middle and high schoolers than they ever needed as toddlers/elementary schoolers.

I agree with this, but it's truly a no win for people who want to step out of the workforce for care giving. There is never a good time to take time off. They will always need you in some way shape or form.

[Anonymous]

I am grateful that I have never felt like I couldn’t meet my child’s needs while working. I am a teacher so summers have always been home.

I was miserable on maternity leave and those first few summers and ready to go back to work quickly. Now that he’s older I would enjoy being home, but it’s unnecessary since he’s at school all day. Working allows me to outsource tasks I’d complete during the day (yard work, house cleaning, grocery shopping).

Would it be fun to be the classroom volunteer or pta president? Sure! Would it enhance DCs life? I don’t think so. Maybe if I had 3+ kids it would feel more necessary, but with 1 it has never felt logical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have three young kids. My career is at an inflection point and I’m considering taking a pause to be fully present with my kids.

If your kids are out of the little kid phase - looking back, do you think it matters to have a stay at home mom? Do you regret working full time or staying home full time? Or are you happy that you continued your career or stayed home? I would love to hear how parents whose kids are older reflect on working vs staying home.

They don’t need you at home. They’re developing their own lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:#1 - this is an insufferable question. There is NO one right answer.

But also, #2
For our family, it always worked better to have a parent who didn't work. And we've done it all - one working one not, both part time, one part time, both full time.

Kids need flexibility and responsiveness. Which you never really have if you are working. Especially if you are working either a high level
Job or a low level job, both have very little autonomy.

Kids get sick, they need emotional support and guidance, they need food/rides/appointments, all things that require your physical and emotional presence. You can't hire everything out. We tried.

Parents have a bandwidth too. You can't give 100% to your job AND your family. So you end up splitting your energy in a way when no one ever really gets what they need. Especially YOU.

You can't schedule quality time. You can't control when the crisis is going to happen. You can't control when the good stuff happens either.

And this is true at EVERY AGE. (My kids are now in college)

You just have to be there.

This is a great answer. I am the PP who worked, SAHM and am back working. I will say, the higher up I climb in my career, the less time I have for my family. It is hard when I feel a great sense of accomplishment at work, knowing the cost to my family. I do not believe I can have it all - at least not all once. Thankfully my family is supportive and my boss is family friendly.

I think this feeling is what’s hard. If you don’t have any plans for the money, then from your family’s perspective your work is just a really demanding and time consuming hobby. You have to have a plan for the money that benefits your family. It can be cool vacations or a country club where you spend your weekends, or it can be that your husband gets to work less or pursue something he is passionate about.
You can’t just work for your own personal fulfillment and raise three kids at the same time. I say this as a physician who gets a lot of fulfillment out of my work: work is not that fulfilling, and there is a reason they pay you to be there.

[Anonymous]

I think if you have a reasonable job that allows you to attend most events for the kids and be around enough, keep working. If you have a really stressful job you don’t enjoy, then take a break.

This is not a WOHM/SAHM debate because I’ve done both. There are pros and cons to each and I really think kids get used to anything. Your own mental chatter is the hardest part.

[Anonymous]

I was at home and I loved it and don’t regret it for me. That said, I don’t think my (neurotypical) children cared that I was at home or would be very different today had I worked.

[Anonymous]

SAH if you can. Little kids are only little for a few years, and you can absolutely return to the workforce after a break, but you cannot get back time with an infant ever.

[Anonymous]

My take FWIW:

Don't quit working entirely to stay home with young kids.

You may need a job, if your marriage falls apart or a spouse becomes ill or dies.

Agree with many posters that elementary and up is more valuable to be a present parent than 0-5. The $ can work for you in this way, another few years when the kids are young, may enable you to coast through work rest of the years.

For families who can swing it, it's fantastic for everyone to have one parent whose job is second to family obligations. Two big jobs is tough.

If you're overwhelmed with work and kids, don't quit, because then you'll just be overwhelmed with kids and work. A job is very good in this situation because it can buy you cover. You can take leave during the workday and your spouse doesn't need to know, to rest, actually rest. And not think about everything that would be entirely your responsibility if you were stay at home. Using the 2 (home, work) as boundaries against each other can actually help you create the balanced life people talk about. BUT, and I acknowledge big but, it has to be the right job/career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I lost my job in the 2008-10 economic crash. Peeked around at listings, the pay had fallen through the floor. Had young kids at the time and stayed home with husband's blessing. Never went back to work. Youngest is a HS senior this year. I have zero regrets. I got to see our kids grow up! I was able to be present with them in a way that I wouldn't have been able to be with work emails to answer and a split attention span. Our kids are happy and positive, not anxious and depressed. Get told how they seem so mature and centered for their ages. Oldest manages a chain business as a student job at 21. How much of who've they become is the result of having a parent at home I do not know, but I'm glad I got to be around to see them grow up. Of course, you need a spouse who is fine with it, too.

Lololol. I work and I am also seeing my child grow up. You sound like a sanctimonious b.