Moms who are out of the young kids phase - I need your wisdom

[Anonymous]

I put aside my professional life to be either my kids. Their father used to travel overseas for 20-25 d. periods. I managed most on my own.
No regrets, but I now need an income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I put aside my professional life to be either my kids. Their father used to travel overseas for 20-25 d. periods. I managed most on my own.
No regrets, but I now need an income.

^to be with my kids.

[Anonymous]

Three kids is a logistical challenge. We have three under 8 and I work part time from home with a part time nanny. Our path: Buy or downsize home (townhouse or exurb with good schools) on one income so you are not under financial pressure and mom dropped down to part time or contract work to keep one foot in the career world in case you have to jump back in (glad we are getting at least one paycheck right now however small.) Otherwise it’s more stress and work to outsource everything and manage all the sick days imo and miss out on too much of kids lives. So my answer is a bit of both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is going to turn into a sahm debate.

Yep .

[Anonymous]

I'm glad I didn't stop working. We had an amazing nanny and my husband and I never worked weekends so we had two full days of only family time. Now I'm able to work from home full time and I have a ton of flexibility in my job (I also make quite a lot). I find that my kids need me more now that they're older and I'm grateful that I'm able to be here for them in a way that I wouldn't be if I were still trying to establish myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you can stay home while they are 0-5 age, then do it. You get to be with them all day and make the most of that time away from work.

Once they are in school, then you aren't really spending time with them, just making logistics asier for drop offs, pick ups, sick days etc. So go back to work and hire someone to do the logistics.

Outside of the 0-5 years, i think both parents should work. I am a firm believer that both parents have a financially responsibility as adults to contribute towards supporting themselves and the kids they chose to have, and both parents have a hands on responsibility to take on some childcare and the domestic work that comes with kids. I am not a fan of a parent absolving themselves of all responsibility in one area or the other and putting it 100% on the other parent. I think it is best for all if both parents are actively involved in the major aspects of being adults and parents.

I couldn't have said this better. I will say that the strongest marriages out of my friends are like this (including mine).

[Anonymous]

The best things for kids is a happy mom, so do what makes you happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My take FWIW:

Don't quit working entirely to stay home with young kids.

You may need a job, if your marriage falls apart or a spouse becomes ill or dies.

Agree with many posters that elementary and up is more valuable to be a present parent than 0-5. The $ can work for you in this way, another few years when the kids are young, may enable you to coast through work rest of the years.

For families who can swing it, it's fantastic for everyone to have one parent whose job is second to family obligations. Two big jobs is tough.

If you're overwhelmed with work and kids, don't quit, because then you'll just be overwhelmed with kids and work. A job is very good in this situation because it can buy you cover. You can take leave during the workday and your spouse doesn't need to know, to rest, actually rest. And not think about everything that would be entirely your responsibility if you were stay at home. Using the 2 (home, work) as boundaries against each other can actually help you create the balanced life people talk about. BUT, and I acknowledge big but, it has to be the right job/career.

Your last paragraph made me laugh. Not because it isn’t true, but because it is!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm glad I didn't stop working. We had an amazing nanny and my husband and I never worked weekends so we had two full days of only family time. Now I'm able to work from home full time and I have a ton of flexibility in my job (I also make quite a lot). I find that my kids need me more now that they're older and I'm grateful that I'm able to be here forthem in a way that I wouldn't be if I were still trying to establish myself.

I had the absolute opposite experience.
When we both worked full time, weekends felt like more work. All the laundry, errands, and kids events were compressed into two quick days. My husband and I were running around like crazy trying to get everything done. We never had time to relax or enjoy life. Now, I can get all the random stuff done during the work week and truly provide our family some downtime.

Even when I was working from home, I was expected to be, well ...working. So I found it hard to get to school pick up on time, drive them to practices, etc. We both found that the more "established" (or bigger) the job, the more you were expected to be online and available during work hours. What are these magic jobs where you only have to work during the school hours? Technically, that would be a part-time job and not exactly a path to a well paying job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm glad I didn't stop working. We had an amazing nanny and my husband and I never worked weekends so we had two full days of only family time. Now I'm able to work from home full time and I have a ton of flexibility in my job (I also make quite a lot). I find that my kids need me more now that they're older and I'm grateful that I'm able to be here forthem in a way that I wouldn't be if I were still trying to establish myself.

I had the absolute opposite experience.
When we both worked full time, weekends felt like more work. All the laundry, errands, and kids events were compressed into two quick days. My husband and I were running around like crazy trying to get everything done. We never had time to relax or enjoy life. Now, I can get all the random stuff done during the work week and truly provide our family some downtime.

Even when I was working from home, I was expected to be, well ...working. So I found it hard to get to school pick up on time, drive them to practices, etc. We both found that the more "established" (or bigger) the job, the more you were expected to be online and available during work hours. What are these magic jobs where you only have to work during the school hours? Technically, that would be a part-time job and not exactly a path to a well paying job.

I'm the PP. When our kids were younger the nanny did all their laundry (clothes, beds, and towels) so all my husband and I had to do was our own laundry, which was easy enough. Errands it depends, a lot of stuff can be done online... Also our nanny was big on getting our kids out in the world so if they had a birthday party to go to, she would take them out to buy the birthday present, bag, and card. She'd also take them to run more benign errands like returning an Amazon purchase. Kids shouldn't sit at home all day...

As they got older and started attending school part-time (which is when they started to do activities on the weekend - what one-year olds are playing soccer?), she wanted to remain employed full-time she would she would help with more stuff around the house like food prep and groceries. Once they started attending school full-time she became like a house manager during the day. So yeah, our weekends have always been pretty full of family time.

Also, I am expected to be working while I'm working from home... But my kids leave for the bus at 7:15 and get home from the bus at 4:15. That's 9 hours. Obviously I take a break for lunch and I am not always done working at 4:15 but my husband and I trade off who takes them to evening sports and who makes dinner so some nights I can work later. I still very rarely work on weekends. Not hard to get my work done during that time.

[Anonymous]

My concern would be that you have three kids. Even if you quit working, your life will be crazy logistically. It will be difficult to be fully present.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:#1 - this is an insufferable question. There is NO one right answer.

But also, #2
For our family, it always worked better to have a parent who didn't work. And we've done it all - one working one not, both part time, one part time, both full time.

Kids need flexibility and responsiveness. Which you never really have if you are working. Especially if you are working either a high level
Job or a low level job, both have very little autonomy.

Kids get sick, they need emotional support and guidance, they need food/rides/appointments, all things that require your physical and emotional presence. You can't hire everything out. We tried.

Parents have a bandwidth too. You can't give 100% to your job AND your family. So you end up splitting your energy in a way when no one ever really gets what they need. Especially YOU.

You can't schedule quality time. You can't control when the crisis is going to happen. You can't control when the good stuff happens either.

And this is true at EVERY AGE. (My kids are now in college)

You just have to be there.

This is a great answer. I am the PP who worked, SAHM and am back working. I will say, the higher up I climb in my career, the less time I have for my family. It is hard when I feel a great sense of accomplishment at work, knowing the cost to my family. I do not believe I can have it all - at least not all once. Thankfully my family is supportive and my boss is family friendly.

I think this feeling is what’s hard. If you don’t have any plans for the money, then from your family’s perspective your work is just a really demanding and time consuming hobby. You have to have a plan for the money that benefits your family. It can be cool vacations or a country club where you spend your weekends, or it can be that your husband gets to work less or pursue something he is passionate about.
You can’t just work for your own personal fulfillment and raise three kids at the same time. I say this as a physician who gets a lot of fulfillment out of my work: work is not that fulfilling, and there is a reason they pay you to be there.

[phone]

It helps to need the money or have some use for it.

You described perfectly what’s going on with women who find their job incredibly fulfilling and do it even though they don’t need the money - a hobby. However I’d argue most people need the money. Even many high net worth individuals are mainly working for the money. They want to purchase art, fly privately, own multiple homes etc. Most people claiming they aren’t working for the money are lying to themselves and others. There are also plenty of women who think they don’t need the money but they in fact do.

[Anonymous]

Keep your job.

[Anonymous]

I had a very active career until my oldest of three entered MS. We had just moved to a new state and I was worried that they were entering a critical age of independence and being influenced by other kids who might get them in trouble. So I took a break to stay close to home and I found a part time job that I enjoyed but gave me the time to be around before and after school. My kids are now adults and they have turned out great. They may have gotten there on their own but I’m very happy with the decision I made. Thankfully my husband had a very good job so money wasn’t a big issue. When my youngest was about to head to college I went back to full time for a few more years just to put more money away for retirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have three young kids. My career is at an inflection point and I’m considering taking a pause to be fully present with my kids.

If your kids are out of the little kid phase - looking back, do you think it matters to have a stay at home mom? Do you regret working full time or staying home full time? Or are you happy that you continued your career or stayed home? I would love to hear how parents whose kids are older reflect on working vs staying home.

I stepped out of my career for a few years when my kids were in late middle school/early high school. That seemed to be the peak of when they really needed my time and attention. My job required a lot of int'l travel, and it seemed to be getting harder and harder on them, even though DH was always great and present. The bonus was that for DH, it enabled him to "lean in" a bit more in his work, and he very quickly went from director through VP to C Suite at a large company, so the cut back of one income didn't really hurt.

Youngest in college now, and I'm back to work, but not doing exactly the same thing as before--no interest in the frequent travel.