Moms who are out of the young kids phase - I need your wisdom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have three young kids. My career is at an inflection point and I’m considering taking a pause to be fully present with my kids.

If your kids are out of the little kid phase - looking back, do you think it matters to have a stay at home mom? Do you regret working full time or staying home full time? Or are you happy that you continued your career or stayed home? I would love to hear how parents whose kids are older reflect on working vs staying home.

Work, in some form, will always be there. Your kids will not.

It’s really that simple, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You also need to evaluate what kind of parent you are. One who enjoys extended hours with them or can't handle it. If you enjoy being with them, its worth it for them and for you. If you are unhappy and miss creative and social aspects of work too much to value this time then its of no value to anyone.

You should have evaluated this before you had kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You also need to evaluate what kind of parent you are. One who enjoys extended hours with them or can't handle it. If you enjoy being with them, its worth it for them and for you. If you are unhappy and miss creative and social aspects of work too much to value this time then its of no value to anyone.

You should have evaluated this before you had kids.

-1 it is a constant, evolving calculation, OP. You're asking the right questions. From reading over the responses, it seems that part-time and/or lots of flexibility (freelance work, telework, generous leave, understanding boss) would be the answer.

Thanks also for asking this question. I'm at a different stage of parenting but find it helpful to re evaluate my choices and options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have three young kids. My career is at an inflection point and I’m considering taking a pause to be fully present with my kids.

If your kids are out of the little kid phase - looking back, do you think it matters to have a stay at home mom? Do you regret working full time or staying home full time? Or are you happy that you continued your career or stayed home? I would love to hear how parents whose kids are older reflect on working vs staying home.

My kids are 12 and 14 and I mommy tracked, as did my husband, and I am extremely happy with my choice but recognize each family has different optimal choices. I personally would not be able to stay at home without a job, but WFH is perfect.

I really like who my children are becoming as people. I don’t know if they are as academically advanced as they should be but I think they have resilience to get what they want in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Unless you are homeschooling, you aren't staying home with your kids. You are staying home to have 6-7 hours a day of me time. Own it for what it is. Your kids are at school for 6-7 hours a day, you could be working - you aren't with them or being present with them at all during that time, they aren't even there.

I have a babywho is a few months old and a teen. Please read more carefully before you post in such an abrasive manner.

Further, I learned when my teen was school aged, and I was working full time, that there is a benefit to being present at home. Yes, you can be very present while your children are at school. It gives you an opportunity to prepare, organize, and coordinate. There are many wonderful things that can be done during school hours that enhance family life. Wishing you peace.

+1. I have tweens/teens and I normally work but right now am a furloughed Fed. My kids are happy that I’m home (only because I can make life easier for them, I admit). I was also able to be home with them and help them study when they had a holiday off from school, and I think this can help with their school success. I’m also a much more present parent when I don’t have to get up at the crack of dawn and rush around all day.
That said, I know this temporary and I think long term it’s better to keep some type of employment just to have something that’s your own thing, even if it’s just part time.

[Anonymous]

#1 - this is an insufferable question. There is NO one right answer.

But also, #2
For our family, it always worked better to have a parent who didn't work. And we've done it all - one working one not, both part time, one part time, both full time.

Kids need flexibility and responsiveness. Which you never really have if you are working. Especially if you are working either a high level
Job or a low level job, both have very little autonomy.

Kids get sick, they need emotional support and guidance, they need food/rides/appointments, all things that require your physical and emotional presence. You can't hire everything out. We tried.

Parents have a bandwidth too. You can't give 100% to your job AND your family. So you end up splitting your energy in a way when no one ever really gets what they need. Especially YOU.

You can't schedule quality time. You can't control when the crisis is going to happen. You can't control when the good stuff happens either.

And this is true at EVERY AGE. (My kids are now in college)

You just have to be there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:#1 - this is an insufferable question. There is NO one right answer.

But also, #2
For our family, it always worked better to have a parent who didn't work. And we've done it all - one working one not, both part time, one part time, both full time.

Kids need flexibility and responsiveness. Which you never really have if you are working. Especially if you are working either a high level
Job or a low level job, both have very little autonomy.

Kids get sick, they need emotional support and guidance, they need food/rides/appointments, all things that require your physical and emotional presence. You can't hire everything out. We tried.

Parents have a bandwidth too. You can't give 100% to your job AND your family. So you end up splitting your energy in a way when no one ever really gets what they need. Especially YOU.

You can't schedule quality time. You can't control when the crisis is going to happen. You can't control when the good stuff happens either.

And this is true at EVERY AGE. (My kids are now in college)

You just have to be there.

This is a great answer. I am the PP who worked, SAHM and am back working. I will say, the higher up I climb in my career, the less time I have for my family. It is hard when I feel a great sense of accomplishment at work, knowing the cost to my family. I do not believe I can have it all - at least not all once. Thankfully my family is supportive and my boss is family friendly.

[Anonymous]

There are so many examples of amazing and less than ideal outcomes with every permutation of family, that you are not ever going to get a definitive answer to this.

At the end of the day, if you stay home or work it's more for you than for the kids. There are ways to make whatever you choose work...so start with deciding what you want to do. Then figure out what your family would need to enable that.

Putting it on "changing my life trajectory because the kids need XYZ" only leads to resentment and unmet needs.

DS has SN. He needed a lot of intensive therapies when he was an infant and toddler. I worked the entire time, because I needed something else to focus on at times. But, when presented with a great opportunity in the middle of that period, I decided to turn it down in favor of a WFH and less intensive job...because I didn't want the added stress. I have no regrets, and I don't see this as a sacrifice I made for DS...just doing what I wanted while also being the parent he deserves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have three young kids. My career is at an inflection point and I’m considering taking a pause to be fully present with my kids.

If your kids are out of the little kid phase - looking back, do you think it matters to have a stay at home mom? Do you regret working full time or staying home full time? Or are you happy that you continued your career or stayed home? I would love to hear how parents whose kids are older reflect on working vs staying home.

Work, in some form, will always be there. Your kids will not.

It’s really that simple, OP.

It’s not, actually. For me, my kid’s “mild” SN have gotten more serious as he’s grown up and so he’s still at home at 21 and likely will be long into the future, needing expensive therapies, supports and care. Meanwhile my spouse, who was always the higher earner, had health issues and career setbacks, and he’s not likely to be able to work as long as planned. Among my friends, several of us have husbands who faced unexpected medical issues in their fifties and had to take extended leaves from work. So i am so grateful to have my career to keep us all afloat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:#1 - this is an insufferable question. There is NO one right answer.

But also, #2
For our family, it always worked better to have a parent who didn't work. And we've done it all - one working one not, both part time, one part time, both full time.

Kids need flexibility and responsiveness. Which you never really have if you are working. Especially if you are working either a high level
Job or a low level job, both have very little autonomy.

Kids get sick, they need emotional support and guidance, they need food/rides/appointments, all things that require your physical and emotional presence. You can't hire everything out. We tried.

Parents have a bandwidth too. You can't give 100% to your job AND your family. So you end up splitting your energy in a way when no one ever really gets what they need. Especially YOU.

You can't schedule quality time. You can't control when the crisis is going to happen. You can't control when the good stuff happens either.

And this is true at EVERY AGE. (My kids are now in college)

You just have to be there.

Clearly, you think there is a right answer...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:#1 - this is an insufferable question. There is NO one right answer.

But also, #2
For our family, it always worked better to have a parent who didn't work. And we've done it all - one working one not, both part time, one part time, both full time.

Kids need flexibility and responsiveness. Which you never really have if you are working. Especially if you are working either a high level
Job or a low level job, both have very little autonomy.

Kids get sick, they need emotional support and guidance, they need food/rides/appointments, all things that require your physical and emotional presence. You can't hire everything out. We tried.

Parents have a bandwidth too. You can't give 100% to your job AND your family. So you end up splitting your energy in a way when no one ever really gets what they need. Especially YOU.

You can't schedule quality time. You can't control when the crisis is going to happen. You can't control when the good stuff happens either.

And this is true at EVERY AGE. (My kids are now in college)

You just have to be there.

This is a great answer. I am the PP who worked, SAHM and am back working. I will say, the higher up I climb in my career, the less time I have for my family. It is hard when I feel a great sense of accomplishment at work, knowing the cost to my family. I do not believe I can have it all - at least not all once. Thankfully my family is supportive and my boss is family friendly.

To me, this is toxic thinking. My mom is a physician and worked my entire childhood, but she very much mommy-tracked herself...and she didn't ever pursue some of the things she was most passionate about. I knew this from a pretty early age. I also knew how unhappy she was and how much she resented my dad. I 100% believe she would have been a better mom and all of us would have had a better childhood if she felt more fulfilled professionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You also need to evaluate what kind of parent you are. One who enjoys extended hours with them or can't handle it. If you enjoy being with them, its worth it for them and for you. If you are unhappy and miss creative and social aspects of work too much to value this time then its of no value to anyone.

You should have evaluated this before you had kids.

-1 it is a constant, evolving calculation, OP. You're asking the right questions. From reading over the responses, it seems that part-time and/or lots of flexibility (freelance work, telework, generous leave, understanding boss) would be the answer.

Thanks also for asking this question. I'm at a different stage of parenting but find it helpful to re evaluate my choices and options.

Agree. And it also depends on the kid. I loved being with DS as a baby, because he was really happy and fun. DD was much more difficult, and I often felt I was drowning and needed a break. In elementary, the situation is flipped. DS needs a lot, and I get exhausted. DD is really easygoing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:#1 - this is an insufferable question. There is NO one right answer.

But also, #2
For our family, it always worked better to have a parent who didn't work. And we've done it all - one working one not, both part time, one part time, both full time.

Kids need flexibility and responsiveness. Which you never really have if you are working. Especially if you are working either a high level
Job or a low level job, both have very little autonomy.

Kids get sick, they need emotional support and guidance, they need food/rides/appointments, all things that require your physical and emotional presence. You can't hire everything out. We tried.

Parents have a bandwidth too. You can't give 100% to your job AND your family. So you end up splitting your energy in a way when no one ever really gets what they need. Especially YOU.

You can't schedule quality time. You can't control when the crisis is going to happen. You can't control when the good stuff happens either.

And this is true at EVERY AGE. (My kids are now in college)

You just have to be there.

This is a great answer. I am the PP who worked, SAHM and am back working. I will say, the higher up I climb in my career, the less time I have for my family. It is hard when I feel a great sense of accomplishment at work, knowing the cost to my family. I do not believe I can have it all - at least not all once. Thankfully my family is supportive and my boss is family friendly.

I am a SAHM and there are definitely days I miss working. My friends who stayed working are now very senior. Many have husbands who became the default parent.

When I was working, I didn’t think I was giving my all at anything. 2-3 hours home with kids was not enough and those hours were not even quality time. I was always very tired and the person who suffered the most was me. My self care suffered. I didn’t have time for friends or DH.

Now I’m a SAHM with excellent self care, lots of friends, exercise regularly and much healthier. I won’t say there are days I don’t regret not staying in the workforce. I used to feel insane guilt when I could not make it to a kid event.

At the end of the day, we all get old. I keep hearing of youngish people dying or getting cancer. Everyone should do what is best for themselves and family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a lawyer and stayed home for 7 years then went back to work. I’m probably not quite as senior as I would be if I had worked those years but no regrets whatsoever.

Different field, but same here. My kids don't really remember most of my SAHM years but I do and I loved that phase of life. I'm glad I did it for me.

But, also, when I went back to work I had flexible hours and could work at home one day a week + whenever needed (back before COVID when this was less common). I think once you are into the elementary years, that flexibility is most important.

[Anonymous]

I have my own business and work part time and make my own hours - I work when my kids are at school and it’s a hard stop when it’s time to pick them up. I have also been able to chaperone lots of field trips, coach sports, get to know all their friends really well, etc. I know my kids appreciate all of that because they tell me and I know my presence is very important to them. I would say kids are different, my friend’s kids don’t want them on the field trips anymore. I would say this answer would depend on your kids and how demanding your job is. If your job allows you to still do the things that matter to your kids AND you enjoy your work, then keep working. But again, I think this answer involves many different factors and can’t be answered with a blanket statement.