Moms who are out of the young kids phase - I need your wisdom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have three young kids. My career is at an inflection point and I’m considering taking a pause to be fully present with my kids.

If your kids are out of the little kid phase - looking back, do you think it matters to have a stay at home mom? Do you regret working full time or staying home full time? Or are you happy that you continued your career or stayed home? I would love to hear how parents whose kids are older reflect on working vs staying home.

It definitely matters but make sure your marriage is strong, y'all can afford the income cut and try to keep your credentials up to date so you can bounce back when needed.

Your family life would benefit significantly but only if you aren't resenting it and are fully present.

It's so hard to not resent it. I think I failed at that tremendously. It was the right decision for me, but I was happier when I went back to work.

[Anonymous]

My kids are grateful for having me home but so are kids of my friends who tried to balance home and career. Only kids with complaints are ones whose parents were too focused on careers to nurture their children and marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a teen and a baby. I worked a lot when my teen was younger and am sorry not to have been more present at home. I completely disagree with the previous poster and think that the school age years are a valuable time to be able to stay home. I’m going to be home with my youngest as much as possible.

Unless you are homeschooling, you aren't staying home with your kids. You are staying home to have 6-7 hours a day of me time. Own it for what it is. Your kids are at school for 6-7 hours a day, you could be working - you aren't with them or being present with them at all during that time, they aren't even there.

[Anonymous]

I am the breadwinner by a lot and always worked when the kids were young and it made me tired and sad. I didn’t even want a pause - I would have settled for a 9-5. Since my kids were in late MS, ive had tremendous control over my schedule and I’ve been around a lot more. I’m really glad I am more present now. They are teenagers are more independent but the ways they need me are more significant and can only be filled by me, if that makes sense. if you asked me then - I would have picked more time when they were little and back to work when they were older, but I’m really glad it turned out this way. So I guess my advice is build up career capital now so you can downshift later.

[Anonymous]

First three years are really crucial but once they are in pre-K, you can decide according to your career, money, marriage situation and set up a good support network of hired help and grandparents or neighbors to make lives easier. Do try to do 1-1 emotional connect time with each kid every day, even if for 15 minutes.

[Anonymous]

You also need to evaluate what kind of parent you are. One who enjoys extended hours with them or can't handle it. If you enjoy being with them, its worth it for them and for you. If you are unhappy and miss creative and social aspects of work too much to value this time then its of no value to anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a lawyer and stayed home for 7 years then went back to work. I’m probably not quite as senior as I would be if I had worked those years but no regrets whatsoever.

Mi spent a decade at home and am back to making a healthy mid 6 figure salary.

Being paid is so rewarding. Knowing do a good job is amazing. But I would never ever trade out my ten years home with my three kids (in close succession). So worth it. I loved it. YMMV but don’t believe that today’s decision is forever. You can take a pause to enjoy this tiny slice of life- it will pass all too quickly so I’m a big proponent of savoring it. For some moms being home al day would suck. Those moms aren’t wrong. For other moms it’s heavenly to be home. I loved it but some don’t and that’s so okay- but it’s okay to love it too.

[Anonymous]

I'm a parent first and foremost and was never interested in a career, so I stayed home. But you need to prioritize what you want out of life, OP. If you want to put your career first, please don't feel any guilt whatsoever. It's YOUR life.

Teens get very busy and need to drive around to all sorts of activities far into the evening. They can't all drive at 16 either. And the high school years are when they most need their parents, to keep them on the right path and strategize for college admissions. I'd say that elementary and early middle are when they're most stable and need you less, if you can get nannies or aftercare. Then depending on hormones and evening activities, parenting ramps up in late middle school, because no babysitter wants to drive a 13 year old from practice or rehearsal at 10pm.

- parent of young adults and teens.

[Anonymous]

I had the best of both worlds where my schedule meant I was home after school and could generally be home on days off from school and have a DH who could handle the sick days/last minute things. The reality is, there is no perfect answer. If you take a step back in your career, there will be times you regret it. If you don't, there will be times you regret it.

Sit down and think about what you want the next 10 years to look like. What does life look like on one income? What does your career look like when you go back? Do you want the rest of what comes with being a SAHM? Taking on the bulk of the household duties once the kids are school aged and you have hours of alone time? Do you have interests outside of your job or being a mom?

[Anonymous]

I was home before the preschool years though I did have a business so I worked, mostly freelance.

Once in school I worked PT and did the majority of school pick-ups which was important to me. Once middle and high school started I didn't worry as much about being home at 2:30 but between me and DH having flexible jobs someone was/is home after school and able to drive around more often than not which is important in the teen years for different reasons.

I have zero regrets about how my work/life balance has been. Couldn't have planned it better and have been able to advance.

[Anonymous]

I SAHM when my kids were little and now working full time when they are teens.

It was hard back then and it’s hard now.

I think SAHPs with school aged kids have the best deal because they have a huge break in the middle of the day to shop by themselves when it’s not crowded, prep dinner before the busy time after school and REST when they need to. So part of me wishes I could have done that…I’m exhausted most of the time.

But I’m glad I went back to work. I feel like it would be hard to encourage my kids to do well in school and apply for challenging colleges and work hard at getting a good job when I’m playing pickleball and having long luxurious lunches while my dh is working full time and my kids are in school full time. Then when they’re done with a long school day staying on top of them to do sports and homework, like a second job altogether. I want to show them what working hard looks like and I’m grateful they see my efforts.

Ultimately you need to donwhat YOU feel is right. There are many options.

[Anonymous]

I mommytracked. Kept working and earning. But lost career momentum and mentors due to corporate reorgs and general economic chaos that always hit my industry hard (2009-10 recession, political turmoil, Covid, etc.).

Because I mommytracked, my kids went to aftercare programs for their entire childhood until Covid. They didn't like aftercare much. On the other hand, there aren't any kids in our townhouse neighborhood, so that's how they got to play with childhood friends after school.

I guess what I can say is that I saw some impacts of my choice to keep working (like the aftercare dislike situation). But my 2 kids have turned out okay (19 and 16 right now). If anything, choosing a less optimal (lower-rated) school district seems to have had a bigger negative impact on the kids. But that was balanced by how fun our town was to raise kids in. We know our elected officials personally, it has tons of amenities, and it is a nice place to grow up. The schools just aren't as rigorous as they could be. And local people can't understand that, because they have little experience of other places.

With all the economic chaos, and having seen highly-educated friends struggle to find jobs when laid off, I think it was the right choice to keep working.

My female manager has 4 kids. And I've seen other female executives who've been able to juggle 3-4 (undoubtedly with the help of other carers). I feel like I see others for whom it's possible to balance more kids with a job. But can't speak to that personally. One of the more senior executives described her view of being a working mom as a juggle where you know which balls will break and which balls will bounce. Does that resonate with you?

I think part of the decision depends on the individual kids. I've raised my kids to be reasonably independent. And they have personalities that feel very intuitive (similar to other family members). So my spouse and I have felt okay about our parenting decisions because we check in with the kids and they know they can express unhappiness with some of our parenting decisions but they believe, as I do, that women should be able to work if they want to be in the workforce. Whether that's shared values or brainwashing depends on perspective. They're both boys, so I hope their future partners will appreciate that I raised them to be supportive of the aspirations of the key people in their lives.

I guess the bottom line from my mommytracking decision is that I can live with myself. I don't feel like I missed out on anything important, my kids love me, and I believe they are living up to their potential with only normal hiccups along the way.

[Anonymous]

For most people in this day and age, its not an option to live on one salary or be confident about the stability of their marriage. You are lucky to have this option.

[Anonymous]

I have a very flexible job, in that I made partner at my law firm when my oldest was 3 and my middle was a newborn, so I could basically always move my schedule around to be there for doctor's appointments, school field trips, class parties, etc. (if I thought that was helpful or desired by my kid -- I certainly didn't go to all the class parties for all of them). I also definitely took a hit on my career in that I don't do all the things to be top of my game because frankly I'm too tired.

I think it's a real sliding doors situation. Would things have been better if I had stayed home with them? Or would I have been stressed, resentful, over-involved and overly dependent on their dad? I just don't know and I don't know if there is any way to know. I think I have a pretty good relationship with my kids. I'm sure there are things that were sacrificed -- like maybe one of my kids would have been better off if I'd had more time to spend with him on his homework, or maybe he would have just resented that and it wouldn't have worked anyway. It's really hard to say what lies on the road not taken. But I think you can make the best of any road.

Also, I'll note that evne as a working mom, the transition to when they are teens and don't really need you any more is ROUGH. I remember the days when they would knock me over when I came home from work, and now it's like they don't even notice when I'm home or not.

[Anonymous]

I stayed home for the first year after my first kid was born (first mat leave, then shifted to fed govt and had a long wait for my clearance.) I knew it was not for me. I was mid 30s and it was just too late for me to comfortable without my own $$.

That was 20 years ago. I've had multiple promotions and my salary has quadrupled. I enjoy what I do. Key for me was having some flexibility to WFH occasionally or flex my hours. I turned down a number of opportunities that might have enabled even more $$ and career growth, but that didn't have flexibility.

I'm a very involved parent and my kids are basically my whole world. Same for my DH. I don't think they missed out on a single thing because we both worked.