Moms who are out of the young kids phase - I need your wisdom

[Anonymous]

I have three young kids. My career is at an inflection point and I’m considering taking a pause to be fully present with my kids.

If your kids are out of the little kid phase - looking back, do you think it matters to have a stay at home mom? Do you regret working full time or staying home full time? Or are you happy that you continued your career or stayed home? I would love to hear how parents whose kids are older reflect on working vs staying home.

[Anonymous]

They absolutely don’t need you to stay home. I’m very glad I kept working. I think it’s actually harder when the kids get older, school hours are shorter, more homework, activities and appointments - sometimes I wish one of us stayed at home to manage it all! But I never ever wished that in the younger years.

Certainly some people prefer the SAH arrangement (including two of my siblings) and that’s fine too if that’s what you want. But I would never choose just because of some vague feeling that it is better for the kids.

[Anonymous]

This is going to turn into a sahm debate.

[Anonymous]

I’m a lawyer and stayed home for 7 years then went back to work. I’m probably not quite as senior as I would be if I had worked those years but no regrets whatsoever.

[Anonymous]

Do you: like your job/career? Or need the money? Keep working. I was SAHM. It's what worked for our family. DH had crazy hours and a crazy commute. And when I worked I traveled internationally. I do not regret deciding to SAH but that was entirely based on individual circumstance..

[Anonymous]

Keep working. It’s a whole new ballgame economically than it was even ten years ago. If you want your kids to be middle class or better, you’ll need every cent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They absolutely don’t need you to stay home. I’m very glad I kept working. I think it’s actually harder when the kids get older, school hours are shorter, more homework, activities and appointments - sometimes I wish one of us stayed at home to manage it all! But I never ever wished that in the younger years.

Certainly some people prefer the SAH arrangement (including two of my siblings) and that’s fine too if that’s what you want. But I would never choose just because of some vague feeling that it is better for the kids.

Wow, thanks mom.

[Anonymous]

We could not have afforded for me to stay at home. I absolutely wanted to and was very upset having to return to work after each of our kids (2 total). They’re teens now and I don’t regret working. They had great child care, thrived in school, are happy, and we are very close.

[Anonymous]

It’s better to “mommy track” or down shift than to quit for most careers.

[Anonymous]

If you can stay home while they are 0-5 age, then do it. You get to be with them all day and make the most of that time away from work.

Once they are in school, then you aren't really spending time with them, just making logistics asier for drop offs, pick ups, sick days etc. So go back to work and hire someone to do the logistics.

Outside of the 0-5 years, i think both parents should work. I am a firm believer that both parents have a financially responsibility as adults to contribute towards supporting themselves and the kids they chose to have, and both parents have a hands on responsibility to take on some childcare and the domestic work that comes with kids. I am not a fan of a parent absolving themselves of all responsibility in one area or the other and putting it 100% on the other parent. I think it is best for all if both parents are actively involved in the major aspects of being adults and parents.

[Anonymous]

For my kids, it was the right thing. They are now 17-23 and tell me that they’re glad I was home. It gave them the ability to pursue the activities they enjoyed, have play dates and enjoy unstructured downtime. I was able to volunteer at school regularly. I didn’t have to worry if the kids got sick or schools were closed. I could easily schedule doctor and therapy appts (mine needed speech and OT). We had an unstressed household and I loved the time spent. BUT, it came at a huge cost career wise for me. I knew it would be hard to go back but when I finally was ready, I found it not just hard but impossible. I finally settled on an entry level position and it was really demoralizing. Eventually I quit deciding it wasn’t worth it. I want a career but it feels too late (50s). So what would I do differently? I’d have tried to keep my foot in the door by maintaining work contacts, gone back sooner (I waited much longer than I should have) and maybe taken on some occasional contracting work. But ultimately I’m ok with the sacrifice I made.

[Anonymous]

I have a teen and a baby. I worked a lot when my teen was younger and am sorry not to have been more present at home. I completely disagree with the previous poster and think that the school age years are a valuable time to be able to stay home. I’m going to be home with my youngest as much as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have three young kids. My career is at an inflection point and I’m considering taking a pause to be fully present with my kids.

If your kids are out of the little kid phase - looking back, do you think it matters to have a stay at home mom? Do you regret working full time or staying home full time? Or are you happy that you continued your career or stayed home? I would love to hear how parents whose kids are older reflect on working vs staying home.

It definitely matters but make sure your marriage is strong, y'all can afford the income cut and try to keep your credentials up to date so you can bounce back when needed.

Your family life would benefit significantly but only if you aren't resenting it and are fully present.

[Anonymous]

I recommend doing at least something part time to keep some skin in the game. Maybe not necessary if you're wealthy and diversified, but these are uncertain times.

For me, it was easiest to have a nanny when the baby was little and then go 3/4 time in elementary school. Half time was better in middle school because no more solid aftercare.

[Anonymous]

I left work and stayed at home for several years when my daughter was little, but it was more for me than my daughter. I was so overwhelmed with trying to do everything. I'm glad I did it, but staying home was harder than working. Also, I agree with the poster who said it's harder to work when they are older. I would like to dial back now because we are so much busier now than we were before.