AITA for blowing up after someone pushed a hot-button issue in my own home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pro tip: rather than blowing up (which will make you look aggressive and crazy), it’s better to calmly say, “Dave, please drop it. You know I find this topic upsetting for obvious reasons, please just stop.”

I’ve been in op’s shoes. This doesn’t work. That’s seen as an invitation to keep talking.

It works for me.

If it continues, then you say something like:

“Geez, Dave. Enough already. I’ve politely asked you to drop it. Moving on.” Then talk to others snd ignore him.

You calmly paint him as the obnoxious aggressor. Bonus points if you can do it with a smile on your face in a humorous way at his expense.

“Dave, I love you, but I’m starting to worry that you might have had a stroke or suffered a brain injury.”

“I know you are eager to debate this, but I just don’t have the energy. So how about all of just agree that Dave is right about everything and then we can move on.”

If someone wants to debate me, I’ll debate them. If they are rude about it, especially in my home, I won’t be nice about it. Stand up for yourself. It’s ok to verbally destroy an a-hole. If someone says something nasty about your child, you’re going to say they’re right about everything? No way.

“Verbally destroy an a-hole” = make a fool of yourself

I know some people are afraid of arguments. I’m not. If someone wants to argue, I’m in. I can’t imagine letting someone say something insulting about my kid in my home and giving him a pass.

Such a false binary.

I don’t mind arguing, but I’ll avoid it when possible.

Here, OP could have just drawn a clear boundary. “I’m not interested in discussing this with you.”

Repeat until conversation ceases or, if the other person won’t stop, then escalate to asking them to leave.

What’s the point in arguing in this circumstance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m hoping for some outside perspective here.
Someone in my life was over at my house this weekend. While visiting, they brought up a very polarizing, hot-button topic, one that affects me personally and emotionally. They know this. And they also know (or should know) how I feel about it. They lean the opposite direction, and instead of letting it be, they kept pushing.
(Just to clarify: it's not anything overtly political—nothing about Trump, Palestine, sexuality, immigration, or anything like that. I know it’s vague, but I can’t say more without it being too identifiable.)

I tried to disengage and not take the bait, but they kept at it. Eventually, I lost my cool. I yelled. I got aggressive. Definitely not my proudest moment, but also, I felt seriously provoked. This wasn’t a neutral debate; it felt like they came in looking to stir something up.
Now, they’re going around telling people I "attacked" them, and I’ve gotten a couple of texts from mutuals today asking what happened and why I "blew up" at X. FWIW, I did apologize for my tone in the moment, though now I sort of wish I hadn’t!

So I guess I’m wondering, am I the one in the wrong here? I know I didn’t handle it well at the end, but I also feel like there's a line, and they crossed it. You don’t go to someone’s house, bring up something deeply personal to them, and keep poking until they snap, right?

I feel like I deal with this with my children - one of them will do something small to anger/annoy the other and then the response will be bigger than the provocation. It's hard to explain to the second child why their punishment is worse than their sibling's, but hitting your brother because he said something mean is worse than the words uttered. Sorry, OP, I think you're in the wrong here. I also think this person is an a-hole and you should immediately cut them out of your life. But your response is not justified by what they did.

But OP didn't hit anybody. It was words vs words, so I don't think she was in the wrong. Don't want nothing, don't start nothing. Also you should punish your rabblerouser child more severely. Someday that kid is going to get EFFED UP when they piss off the wrong person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are always in the wrong for losing your temper.

Disagree.

OP was needled and provoked and the other person would not drop it. Sometimes people need a good "punch in the face" to STFU.

This! There is nothing wrong with anger. People don’t need therapy to “handle” it. If someone pushed my buttons in my own home id get angry too.

Being angry is fine. Blowing up is not. You would be wrong too, as is the person pushing the buttons.

NP. There is nothing whatsoever wrong with blowing up.

DCUM is full of status-anxious people who are passive-aggressive in all circumstances. Anyone - particularly a woman - who aggressively identifies odious behavior is acting correctly. Most responders here are cowards and are people that don’t matter in any level to anyone.

You’re good, OP. Never interact with the offender. Never invite them, do not socialize, assist on any level, or speak with them. Any mutuals who ask about this get the same simplified response: X was saying cruel things about your child and you’ve had enough, and it’s over.

So anytime you're upset about anything it's ok to scream at your spouse? Hit your kids? Kick your dog?

Of course not. And I don’t do any of those things - and there’s no evidence whatsoever that OP does those things. You’re just a little drama dope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are always in the wrong for losing your temper.

Disagree.

OP was needled and provoked and the other person would not drop it. Sometimes people need a good "punch in the face" to STFU.

This! There is nothing wrong with anger. People don’t need therapy to “handle” it. If someone pushed my buttons in my own home id get angry too.

So many people need to learn anger management. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anyone who would come into my home, criticize my child, is being asked to leave. If they don’t, I will get angry.

[Anonymous]

On a family vacation years ago, my dh’s (alcoholic, probably early stage dementia) uncle started telling racist jokes. My BIL said something like, “enough of the racist jokes.” Uncle starts in on the have a sense of humor, just jokes, etc. BIL yelled, “my wife is black, my kids are black, just f’ing stop with the racist jokes.” BIL is usually very mild mannered. Sometimes you have to yell.

[Anonymous]

The other person could be a narcissist.

Narcissist do things to provoke you on purpose so you can look like the crazy one whilst they appear to be cool calm and collected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The other person could be a narcissist.

Narcissist do things to provoke you on purpose so you can look like the crazy one whilst they appear to be cool calm and collected.

Pp back. I forgot to mention that narcissist will tell things to your gamily and friends to tarnish your image.

I'm pretty sure this person is a narcissist. Their actions according to your description match the textbook definition of one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone who would come into my home, criticize my child, is being asked to leave. If they don’t, I will get angry.

OP did not ask them to leave. She did not even tell them to change the subject.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On a family vacation years ago, my dh’s (alcoholic, probably early stage dementia) uncle started telling racist jokes. My BIL said something like, “enough of the racist jokes.” Uncle starts in on the have a sense of humor, just jokes, etc. BIL yelled, “my wife is black, my kids are black, just f’ing stop with the racist jokes.” BIL is usually very mild mannered. Sometimes you have to yell.

BIL should have said exactly that in a calm tone and left if drunk uncle did not stop.

It’s really not hard to shut down rude people without resorting to yelling.

[Anonymous]

I would leave both of you alone. Don't enjoy being around people who can't let something go and are intentionally being provocative and I also don't like being around people with a temper who don't regulate their own emotional reactions and fly off the handle.

I am sure the people who are being told about this already know what each of you are like and probably are tired of both of your antics.

[Anonymous]

If it was about vaccines , which you seem to imply it was, and you’re on the “i don’t vaccinate my kids”‘side, and you try to claim it’s not an overly political topic and more of a personal one, I’m just here to say you’re the disingenuous one and stop trying to bring back diphtheria and the like to our innocent babies

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pro tip: rather than blowing up (which will make you look aggressive and crazy), it’s better to calmly say, “Dave, please drop it. You know I find this topic upsetting for obvious reasons, please just stop.”

I’ve been in op’s shoes. This doesn’t work. That’s seen as an invitation to keep talking.

It works for me.

If it continues, then you say something like:

“Geez, Dave. Enough already. I’ve politely asked you to drop it. Moving on.” Then talk to others snd ignore him.

You calmly paint him as the obnoxious aggressor. Bonus points if you can do it with a smile on your face in a humorous way at his expense.

“Dave, I love you, but I’m starting to worry that you might have had a stroke or suffered a brain injury.”

“I know you are eager to debate this, but I just don’t have the energy. So how about all of just agree that Dave is right about everything and then we can move on.”

If someone wants to debate me, I’ll debate them. If they are rude about it, especially in my home, I won’t be nice about it. Stand up for yourself. It’s ok to verbally destroy an a-hole. If someone says something nasty about your child, you’re going to say they’re right about everything? No way.

“Verbally destroy an a-hole” = make a fool of yourself

This

It’s like some of you are just socially clueless…or just hell bent on “winning” that you aren’t equipped to navigate awkward conversations.

Hint: humor goes a long way to deescalation. It can even serve the dual purpose of shutting down a situation while bruising the ego of the offending party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are always in the wrong for losing your temper.

Disagree.

OP was needled and provoked and the other person would not drop it. Sometimes people need a good "punch in the face" to STFU.

This! There is nothing wrong with anger. People don’t need therapy to “handle” it. If someone pushed my buttons in my own home id get angry too.

So many people need to learn anger management. Seriously.

Why? She didn't hit, she wasn't violent. Why are you so scared of strong emotions being expressed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are always in the wrong for losing your temper.

Disagree.

OP was needled and provoked and the other person would not drop it. Sometimes people need a good "punch in the face" to STFU.

This! There is nothing wrong with anger. People don’t need therapy to “handle” it. If someone pushed my buttons in my own home id get angry too.

So many people need to learn anger management. Seriously.

Why? She didn't hit, she wasn't violent. Why are you so scared of strong emotions being expressed?

Maybe cultural? Also the absence of specifics makes the discussion a bit tough. I’m surprised at the people who think any raised voice is inappropriate but I’m also fine with crying when you’re sad and laughing out loud.