AITA for blowing up after someone pushed a hot-button issue in my own home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m hoping for some outside perspective here.
Someone in my life was over at my house this weekend. While visiting, they brought up a very polarizing, hot-button topic, one that affects me personally and emotionally. They know this. And they also know (or should know) how I feel about it. They lean the opposite direction, and instead of letting it be, they kept pushing.
(Just to clarify: it's not anything overtly political—nothing about Trump, Palestine, sexuality, immigration, or anything like that. I know it’s vague, but I can’t say more without it being too identifiable.)

I tried to disengage and not take the bait, but they kept at it. Eventually, I lost my cool. I yelled. I got aggressive. Definitely not my proudest moment, but also, I felt seriously provoked. This wasn’t a neutral debate; it felt like they came in looking to stir something up.
Now, they’re going around telling people I "attacked" them, and I’ve gotten a couple of texts from mutuals today asking what happened and why I "blew up" at X. FWIW, I did apologize for my tone in the moment, though now I sort of wish I hadn’t!

So I guess I’m wondering, am I the one in the wrong here? I know I didn’t handle it well at the end, but I also feel like there's a line, and they crossed it. You don’t go to someone’s house, bring up something deeply personal to them, and keep poking until they snap, right?

You stop this immediately. "This is not a subject that will be discussed in my home . It is time for you to leave.". End of story. What kind of a$$hole does this in someone else's home. There is no reason to save this relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You DID attack them.

Yes, but only after being provoked repeatedly.

But any way, what should I do now? I’m still not exactly happy with this person for the things they said.

Why do you want any kind of relationship with this jerk who deliberately goaded you? Cross this person off you list and never speak again.

[Anonymous]

I have a brother like this and I do not allow him in my home or in my life.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you were wrong to express your anger and frustration in an inappropriate way. We have a lot of choices when we get mad, and it’s our fault when we choose the wrong way. Whether your guest was wrong to disrespect your boundaries is not significant. It’s your choice to express your anger inappropriately that is the issue here.
I’d suggest looking into learning and using some anger management techniques. We all get mad. It’s what we do with our anger that is ok, or not ok.

[Anonymous]

So what you do is damage control, OP.

You tell every mutual acquaintance that she crossed a line by provoking you in your own home after you tried to be a very patient host (all these words are important). That this is the last straw after a long period of feeling bullied by this person's insistence on broaching a sensitive topic that you prefer to keep private. That you felt violated and decided to give her a piece of your mind. And that you deem you were in the right, you will not apologize because you have nothing to apologize for, and that this person is not welcome in your house anymore.

Don't feel bad, OP. Some people just don't get hints and need to be taught the hard way to leave you alone. My mother is like this. When she whined to all our relatives after I finally blew up at her... they didn't believe her, because she has a history of needling and nagging and pushing.

It's going to be all right.

[Anonymous]

The above is a good strategy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are both in the wrong. She was in the wrong for poking the bear and you were in the wrong for taking the bait.

Sounds like you also apologized immediately. If somebody asks you about it, you can say hey they were poking with bear. I blew up. I apologized to him. it was wrong of me to blow up. And move on.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you were wrong to express your anger and frustration in an inappropriate way. We have a lot of choices when we get mad, and it’s our fault when we choose the wrong way. Whether your guest was wrong to disrespect your boundaries is not significant. It’s your choice to express your anger inappropriately that is the issue here.
I’d suggest looking into learning and using some anger management techniques. We all get mad. It’s what we do with our anger that is ok, or not ok.

We don’t know enough about OP’s reaction to decide if it was inappropriate. If she loudly and aggressively shredded this person’s arguments to the point that the person felt dumb or embarrassed, I don’t see a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So what you do is damage control, OP.

You tell every mutual acquaintance that she crossed a line by provoking you in your own home after you tried to be a very patient host (all these words are important). That this is the last straw after a long period of feeling bullied by this person's insistence on broaching a sensitive topic that you prefer to keep private. That you felt violated and decided to give her a piece of your mind. And that you deem you were in the right, you will not apologize because you have nothing to apologize for, and that this person is not welcome in your house anymore.

Don't feel bad, OP. Some people just don't get hints and need to be taught the hard way to leave you alone. My mother is like this. When she whined to all our relatives after I finally blew up at her... they didn't believe her, because she has a history of needling and nagging and pushing.

It's going to be all right.

You say she expressed anger in an inappropriate way. I don’t think that is necessarily true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So what you do is damage control, OP.

You tell every mutual acquaintance that she crossed a line by provoking you in your own home after you tried to be a very patient host (all these words are important). That this is the last straw after a long period of feeling bullied by this person's insistence on broaching a sensitive topic that you prefer to keep private. That you felt violated and decided to give her a piece of your mind. And that you deem you were in the right, you will not apologize because you have nothing to apologize for, and that this person is not welcome in your house anymore.

Don't feel bad, OP. Some people just don't get hints and need to be taught the hard way to leave you alone. My mother is like this. When she whined to all our relatives after I finally blew up at her... they didn't believe her, because she has a history of needling and nagging and pushing.

It's going to be all right.

I agree with this and if you can tell your mutuals the topic I think they will maybe rally to your side. Like if you have a kid born via IVF and she was insistently saying mean things about IVF kids, you should tell people that she was repeatedly disrespectful to your child after you repeatedly asked them to stop, and that you finally lost your temper and raised your voice in response to their extremely inappropriate and hurtful language about your child.

[Anonymous]

OP, this person doesn't sound like a friend. At all. What is your connection to them? Can you just grey rock them?

Not only were they deliberately provocative, now they are trying to stir up drama with your mutuals. Sounds like someone to avoid in the future, not tiptoe around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think anyone should be trying to provoke you on purpose, but I'm struggling to think of something that isn't overtly political that would be that upsetting. Was it worth it? Could you have just rolled your eyes and walked away?

It involves something related to my child. I truly did try to ignore it, but they kept challenging me in a hostile way. Once I realized they were likely trying to get a rise out of me, I snapped and figured I should give them what they wanted.

It's hard to tell with the vagueposting, but I definitely lean towards you not being in the wrong here/they got exactly what they wanted - you to blow up at them so they could go tell mutual friends you blew up at them.

I assume your mutual friends are aware of the provocative issue so I'd tell them that Larla came over, kept baiting you about little Susie's dance performance, and you unfortunately lost your temper. Case closed.

[Anonymous]

OP, good for you and I would have done much worse.

[Anonymous]

I do think it depends on the topic. If they were claiming your child’s severe illness was fake, for example, it’s understandable to get pretty worked up. If they were claiming you were silly for getting a flu shot, it’s not worth freaking out over and you come across as unhinged.

[Anonymous]

No you are definitely not the ________ here.