AITA for blowing up after someone pushed a hot-button issue in my own home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pro tip: rather than blowing up (which will make you look aggressive and crazy), it’s better to calmly say, “Dave, please drop it. You know I find this topic upsetting for obvious reasons, please just stop.”

I’ve been in op’s shoes. This doesn’t work. That’s seen as an invitation to keep talking.

It works for me.

If it continues, then you say something like:

“Geez, Dave. Enough already. I’ve politely asked you to drop it. Moving on.” Then talk to others snd ignore him.

You calmly paint him as the obnoxious aggressor. Bonus points if you can do it with a smile on your face in a humorous way at his expense.

“Dave, I love you, but I’m starting to worry that you might have had a stroke or suffered a brain injury.”

“I know you are eager to debate this, but I just don’t have the energy. So how about all of just agree that Dave is right about everything and then we can move on.”

If someone wants to debate me, I’ll debate them. If they are rude about it, especially in my home, I won’t be nice about it. Stand up for yourself. It’s ok to verbally destroy an a-hole. If someone says something nasty about your child, you’re going to say they’re right about everything? No way.

“Verbally destroy an a-hole” = make a fool of yourself

I know some people are afraid of arguments. I’m not. If someone wants to argue, I’m in. I can’t imagine letting someone say something insulting about my kid in my home and giving him a pass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are always in the wrong for losing your temper.

I get that, but I couldn’t exactly leave. I was in my own home, and they kept poking the bear even as they gathered their shoes and belongings to leave.

You could have stopped talking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was it vaccines? IVF? Religion?

I think it’s very rude to go into someone’s house and insult them. That puts you in a position where all you can do is ask them to leave—which is also rude.

It’s really hard to say if you overreacted without knowing what happened. It’s hard to imagine something non-political that would elicit such a strong response on either side.

Yes, it is one of those things.

I'm trying to imagine your scenario based on one I found myself in at my house during a dinner I was hosting for a group of my husband's college friends and their wives.

I didn't breastfeed my twins - they were premature and had issues latching and for a variety of reasons we ended up bottle feeding them. It worked for us, it worked for them, and I'm not sorry we did it. However, I was once berated by a woman who told me my kids would be weaklings for their entire lives and wouldn't flourish in any way because I couldn't be bothered to feed my children as nature had intended. She also suggested that the fact that I have always worked (she does not) meant I didn't really want my kids so she couldn't figure out why I had bothered to even have kids. It was nasty and completely unprovoked and something I have never experienced in real life (only here in on DCUM...). I wanted to slap her (which is not something I have ever done or ever frankly ever wanted to do) but instead I ignored her and turned to talk to the other person next to me. She kept going on and I just did my best to tune her out. Since that day I've never spoken to her or invited her to my house again, but I was not going to play her game and take her bait.

TLDR, I think you should have disengaged from the conversation. I do think there can be times for reasoned dialogue where you may be able to change someone's mind about something, but that doesn't seem like it was the case here. So walk away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m hoping for some outside perspective here.
Someone in my life was over at my house this weekend. While visiting, they brought up a very polarizing, hot-button topic, one that affects me personally and emotionally. They know this. And they also know (or should know) how I feel about it. They lean the opposite direction, and instead of letting it be, they kept pushing.
(Just to clarify: it's not anything overtly political—nothing about Trump, Palestine, sexuality, immigration, or anything like that. I know it’s vague, but I can’t say more without it being too identifiable.)

I tried to disengage and not take the bait, but they kept at it. Eventually, I lost my cool. I yelled. I got aggressive. Definitely not my proudest moment, but also, I felt seriously provoked. This wasn’t a neutral debate; it felt like they came in looking to stir something up.
Now, they’re going around telling people I "attacked" them, and I’ve gotten a couple of texts from mutuals today asking what happened and why I "blew up" at X. FWIW, I did apologize for my tone in the moment, though now I sort of wish I hadn’t!

So I guess I’m wondering, am I the one in the wrong here? I know I didn’t handle it well at the end, but I also feel like there's a line, and they crossed it. You don’t go to someone’s house, bring up something deeply personal to them, and keep poking until they snap, right?

I feel like I deal with this with my children - one of them will do something small to anger/annoy the other and then the response will be bigger than the provocation. It's hard to explain to the second child why their punishment is worse than their sibling's, but hitting your brother because he said something mean is worse than the words uttered. Sorry, OP, I think you're in the wrong here. I also think this person is an a-hole and you should immediately cut them out of your life. But your response is not justified by what they did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You DID attack them.

Yes, but only after being provoked repeatedly.

But any way, what should I do now? I’m still not exactly happy with this person for the things they said.

Who cares? Seriously, they're entitled to their opinion. You disagree with them and it sounds like what they said was hurtful, but what is there to do about it? I think anyone who supports Trump is an abomination to the human race and to our country. But they don't care what I think and I don't feel like having a conversation with them, but I'm not going to waste time being upset about things they say. I will spend time and money supporting causes that I think may help turn our society around, but on that individual level? Nothing to be done. Get over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think anyone should be trying to provoke you on purpose, but I'm struggling to think of something that isn't overtly political that would be that upsetting. Was it worth it? Could you have just rolled your eyes and walked away?

It involves something related to my child. I truly did try to ignore it, but they kept challenging me in a hostile way. Once I realized they were likely trying to get a rise out of me, I snapped and figured I should give them what they wanted.

When you are telling your side to the people who contacted you, do you feel like they support your reaction or not? It's hard to say whether or not your reaction was reasonable without knowing what it was about.

I haven’t responded

If it were me, I would tell Susie that Janie said kids who are conceived via IVF aren't real kids and nature was trying to stop their parents from procreating for some good reason so they should have just accepted that and not had kids and that really hurt my feelings because you know Jacob was conceived via IVF and eventually after Janie wouldn't drop it I lost my temper and yelled at her. It wasn't my finest moment and I'm not proud of how I handled it but I took the personal attacks really hard and unfortunately it got the best of me.

In other words, tell the people what was said and apologize for how you behaved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pro tip: rather than blowing up (which will make you look aggressive and crazy), it’s better to calmly say, “Dave, please drop it. You know I find this topic upsetting for obvious reasons, please just stop.”

I’ve been in op’s shoes. This doesn’t work. That’s seen as an invitation to keep talking.

It works for me.

If it continues, then you say something like:

“Geez, Dave. Enough already. I’ve politely asked you to drop it. Moving on.” Then talk to others snd ignore him.

You calmly paint him as the obnoxious aggressor. Bonus points if you can do it with a smile on your face in a humorous way at his expense.

“Dave, I love you, but I’m starting to worry that you might have had a stroke or suffered a brain injury.”

“I know you are eager to debate this, but I just don’t have the energy. So how about all of just agree that Dave is right about everything and then we can move on.”

If someone wants to debate me, I’ll debate them. If they are rude about it, especially in my home, I won’t be nice about it. Stand up for yourself. It’s ok to verbally destroy an a-hole. If someone says something nasty about your child, you’re going to say they’re right about everything? No way.

“Verbally destroy an a-hole” = make a fool of yourself

Guaranteed the person "destroyed" thought they won the argument. The victory is only in PPs head. I've seen this play out so many times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are always in the wrong for losing your temper.

I get that, but I couldn’t exactly leave. I was in my own home, and they kept poking the bear even as they gathered their shoes and belongings to leave.

You could have disengaged or engaged calmly without becoming aggressive.

All these posts are so disingenuous. Sounds like the other person was being aggressive, not letting a sensitive topic drop, and as guest, natch. Are some of you just horrible guests or just plain entitled. A person is allowed to call out bad behavior. And, the fact that the guest went and involved a bunch of other people, tells me everything I need to know about them.

I’m sure it’s family. But they clearly are immature and poorly behaved.

Saying "Tom, that was really offensive, please stop" is different from screaming at Tom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To all the people telling OP to get help with her anger, do you think it is always inappropriate to show anger? I don’t think a raised voice when intentionally provoked is automatically a problem.

If someone tries to kidnap your child so you scream at them to let go, that's one thing.

If someone says something rude and you scream at them for their opinion, that's another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, good for you and I would have done much worse.

Oooh, you're such a tough guy.

Do you people who think yelling at people is productive grow up in an environment where no one could handle their emotions properly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are always in the wrong for losing your temper.

Disagree.

OP was needled and provoked and the other person would not drop it. Sometimes people need a good "punch in the face" to STFU.

This! There is nothing wrong with anger. People don’t need therapy to “handle” it. If someone pushed my buttons in my own home id get angry too.

Being angry is one thing. Reacting/lashing out in anger is another. You can't help it if you're angry about something. You can (or should be able to) control your response to your anger.

There absolutely is something wrong with anger when it leads to verbal or physical abuse. Is that simple enough for you to understand?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are always in the wrong for losing your temper.

Disagree.

OP was needled and provoked and the other person would not drop it. Sometimes people need a good "punch in the face" to STFU.

This! There is nothing wrong with anger. People don’t need therapy to “handle” it. If someone pushed my buttons in my own home id get angry too.

Being angry is fine. Blowing up is not. You would be wrong too, as is the person pushing the buttons.

NP. There is nothing whatsoever wrong with blowing up.

DCUM is full of status-anxious people who are passive-aggressive in all circumstances. Anyone - particularly a woman - who aggressively identifies odious behavior is acting correctly. Most responders here are cowards and are people that don’t matter in any level to anyone.

You’re good, OP. Never interact with the offender. Never invite them, do not socialize, assist on any level, or speak with them. Any mutuals who ask about this get the same simplified response: X was saying cruel things about your child and you’ve had enough, and it’s over.

So anytime you're upset about anything it's ok to scream at your spouse? Hit your kids? Kick your dog?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pro tip: rather than blowing up (which will make you look aggressive and crazy), it’s better to calmly say, “Dave, please drop it. You know I find this topic upsetting for obvious reasons, please just stop.”

I’ve been in op’s shoes. This doesn’t work. That’s seen as an invitation to keep talking.

How odd.

I’ve never had this technique not work, and I’ve seen it deployed by others and it also always works. Are you posting from a penitentiary?

You’re showing why this doesn’t work. You live in a world where you are a b itch and it’s always okay. It’s not always going to work out for you.

But it does always work out for me.

In no small part because I am logical, rational, and even-tempered.

I’m certain that my life would indeed be much more difficult if I started shouting every time I faced a challenging situation or rude person.

+!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pro tip: rather than blowing up (which will make you look aggressive and crazy), it’s better to calmly say, “Dave, please drop it. You know I find this topic upsetting for obvious reasons, please just stop.”

I’ve been in op’s shoes. This doesn’t work. That’s seen as an invitation to keep talking.

It works for me.

If it continues, then you say something like:

“Geez, Dave. Enough already. I’ve politely asked you to drop it. Moving on.” Then talk to others snd ignore him.

You calmly paint him as the obnoxious aggressor. Bonus points if you can do it with a smile on your face in a humorous way at his expense.

“Dave, I love you, but I’m starting to worry that you might have had a stroke or suffered a brain injury.”

“I know you are eager to debate this, but I just don’t have the energy. So how about all of just agree that Dave is right about everything and then we can move on.”

If someone wants to debate me, I’ll debate them. If they are rude about it, especially in my home, I won’t be nice about it. Stand up for yourself. It’s ok to verbally destroy an a-hole. If someone says something nasty about your child, you’re going to say they’re right about everything? No way.

“Verbally destroy an a-hole” = make a fool of yourself

Guaranteed the person "destroyed" thought they won the argument. The victory is only in PPs head. I've seen this play out so many times.

100%

Anyone who brags about "destroying" someone in an argument is likely too stupid to understand what actually took place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are always in the wrong for losing your temper.

Disagree.

OP was needled and provoked and the other person would not drop it. Sometimes people need a good "punch in the face" to STFU.

This! There is nothing wrong with anger. People don’t need therapy to “handle” it. If someone pushed my buttons in my own home id get angry too.

Being angry is fine. Blowing up is not. You would be wrong too, as is the person pushing the buttons.

This.

Exactly what I teach my kid.